Maxine's Christmas Eve - OT

[Guest guest]

Maxine's Christmas Eve!

'Twas the night before ChristmasAnd all through the house...Not a creature was stirringsince the cat ate the mouse.My support hose were hungBy the chimney with care.(I hung them last ChristmasAnd just left them there.)My dog, Floyd, was nestledAll snug in his bed,After watching the cat ripThe presents to shreds.And I in my long johnsAnd ratty night capHad just settled my buttFor a long winter's nap.When out on the lawnThere arose such a clatter,I swore at the window,"What the (blank) is the matter?"I tore open the window,Not a second to tarry,All ready to throwThe noisemaker a berry.A bright moon was lightingThe new-fallen snow...And I had a moon of my ownSet to show.Floyd was beside me,Paw pointing the wayToward eight tiny reindeerHitched up to a sleigh...

And a little old driverSo cheery and quick,I thought for a momentThat I would be sick.Like a bat out of...you know,His reindeer they came,And I whistled and shoutedAnd called them some names--"Hey, Hornhead! Hey, Furface!Hey, Weiner and Turkey!Yo, Klutzy and MangyAnd Venison Jerky!Stay off of my porch!Get away from my wall!Now hit the road, hit the road,Hit the road, all!But as pedestrians beforeMy old Buick , they flyAnd head for high groundWith great fear in their eyes,So up to my rooftopThe fleabags they flew,With a sleigh full of toysAnd old Fruitcake - Breath too.

And then, in a twinkling,I heard on the roofHoles in my new shinglesMade by each tiny hoof.As I reached for my slingshotAnd a marble as well,Down the chimney St. Tumbled and fell.He had a huge sack ofCheap junk on his backAnd I whispered to Floyd,"Be prepared to attack."His eyes they were squinting,His toy bag was draggin',And I felt for a momentLike I'd soon be gaggin'.He was dressed all in red.With a bell on his hat.And a belt of black leatherTo hold back the fat.A billowing pipeHe clenched tight in his smile,And the smell was like somethingHad been dead for awhile.He had a broad faceAnd a little round bellyThat shook when I nailed himWith a handful of jelly.He was chubby and plump,Well, actually porky,And I laughed when I tripped him(He looked pretty dorky).He was like a beached whaleUnable to budge.And he tasted good , too,If the dog was a judge.I spoke not a wordBut went straight to my work--A noogie, a wedgie,A cry of "You jerk!"

Until laying a fingerAside of his nose,With a loud cry of "Uncle!"Up the chimney he rose.He sprang to the sleighAnd dragged in the toys,Then he cried to the reindeer,"Get me out of here, Boys!"And I had to exclaimAs a slushball I tossed,"Happy Christmas to all,And to all a Get Lost!"But then, as I turned,I saw 'neath the treeTwo gaily wrapped presents--One for Floyd, one for me.

A big bag of jerkyTurned Floyd mighty chipper,While for me was a pairOf brand-new bunny slippers.I looked out the window,And hovering there,Old Santa was winkingFrom his sleigh in midair..."Merry Christmas, Maxine!"He cried, full of cheer,"Same to you, Pal!" I answered,("I'll get you next year!")