Guest guest Posted January 18, 2001 Report Share Posted January 18, 2001 Dilbert Quotes A magazine recently ran a " Dilbert Quotes " contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists: 1. " As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to > > > access the building > > > using > > > >individual security cards. Pictures will be taken > > > next Wednesday and > > > >employees will receive their cards in two weeks. " > > > (This was the winning > > > >quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in > > > Redmond, WA.) > > > > > > > >2. " What I need is a list of specific unknown > > > problems we will encounter. " > > > >(Lykes Lines Shipping) > > > > > > > >3. " E-mail is not to be used to pass on > > > information or data. It should be > > > >used only for company business. " (Accounting > > > manager, Electric Boat > > > Company) > > > > > > > >4 " This project is so important, we can't let > > > things that are more > > > important > > > >interfere with it. " (Advertising/Marketing > > > manager, United Parcel Service) > > > > > > > >5. " Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting > > > the schedule. > > > > > > > >6. No one will believe you solved this problem in > > > one day! We've been > > > >working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a > > > few weeks and I'll let > > > you > > > >know when it's time to tell them. " (R&D > > > supervisor, Minnesota Mining and > > > >Manufacturing/3M Corp.) > > > > > > > >7. " My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a > > > 25-page proposal that only > > > >needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her > > > was damaged and she > > > >couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was > > > write-protected. " (CIO of Dell > > > >Computers) > > > > > > > >8. Quote from the Boss: " Teamwork is a lot of > > > people doing what I say. " > > > >(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation) > > > > > > > >9. My sister passed away and her funeral was > > > scheduled for Monday. When I > > > >told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I > > > would have to miss work > > > >on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if > > > we could change her > > > burial > > > >to Friday. He said, " That would be better for me. " > > > (Shipping executive, > > > FTD > > > >Florists) > > > > > > > >10. " We know that communication is a problem, but > > > the company is not going > > > >to discuss it with the employees. " (Switching > > > supervisor, AT&T Long Lines > > > >Division) > > > > > > > >11. We recently received a memo from senior > > > management saying: " This is to > > > >inform you that a memo will be issued today > > > regarding the memo mentioned > > > >above. " (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division) > > > > > > > >12. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status > > > report to him concerning a > > > >project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow > > > would be soon enough. > > > He > > > >said, " If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited > > > until tomorrow to ask > > > for > > > >it! " (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting > > > Cards.) > > > > > > > >13. As director of communications, I was asked to > > > prepare a memo reviewing > > > >our company's training programs and materials. In > > > the body of the memo in > > > >one of the sentences I mentioned the " pedagogical > > > approach " used by one of > > > >the training manuals. The day after I routed the > > > memo to the executive > > > >committee, I was called into the HR director's > > > office, and told that the > > > >executive vice president wanted me out of the > > > building by lunch. When I > > > >asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for > > > perverts (pedophiles?) > > > >working in her company. Finally, he showed me her > > > copy of the memo, with > > > her > > > >demand that I be fired-and the word " pedagogical " > > > circled in red. The HR > > > >manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked > > > the word up in his > > > >dictionary and made a copy of the definition to > > > send back to her, he told > > > me > > > >not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days > > > later, a memo to the > > > >entire staff came out directing us that no words > > > which could not be found > > > in > > > >the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company > > > memos. A month later, > > > I > > > >resigned. In accordance with company policy, I > > > created my resignation memo > > > >by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. > > > (Taco Bell Corporation) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > __________________________________________________ > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 18, 2001 Report Share Posted January 18, 2001 Judee You did it again!LOL Thanks!!! Glenda __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 18, 2001 Report Share Posted January 18, 2001 Judee you did it again. How do you come up with these. I loved it. dawn --- IdahoJudee IdahoJudee@...> wrote: > Dilbert Quotes > > A magazine recently ran a " Dilbert Quotes " contest. > They were looking for > people to submit quotes from their real life > Dilbert-type managers. > > Here are the finalists: > > 1. " As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to > > > > access the building > > > > using > > > > >individual security cards. Pictures will be > taken > > > > next Wednesday and > > > > >employees will receive their cards in two > weeks. " > > > > (This was the winning > > > > >quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in > > > > Redmond, WA.) > > > > > > > > > >2. " What I need is a list of specific > unknown > > > > problems we will encounter. " > > > > >(Lykes Lines Shipping) > > > > > > > > > >3. " E-mail is not to be used to pass on > > > > information or data. It should be > > > > >used only for company business. " (Accounting > > > > manager, Electric Boat > > > > Company) > > > > > > > > > >4 " This project is so important, we can't let > > > > things that are more > > > > important > > > > >interfere with it. " (Advertising/Marketing > > > > manager, United Parcel Service) > > > > > > > > > >5. " Doing it right is no excuse for not > meeting > > > > the schedule. > > > > > > > > > >6. No one will believe you solved this > problem in > > > > one day! We've been > > > > >working on it for months. Now, go act busy > for a > > > > few weeks and I'll let > > > > you > > > > >know when it's time to tell them. " (R&D > > > > supervisor, Minnesota Mining and > > > > >Manufacturing/3M Corp.) > > > > > > > > > >7. " My Boss spent the entire weekend > retyping a > > > > 25-page proposal that only > > > > >needed corrections. She claims the disk I > gave her > > > > was damaged and she > > > > >couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was > > > > write-protected. " (CIO of Dell > > > > >Computers) > > > > > > > > > >8. Quote from the Boss: " Teamwork is a lot > of > > > > people doing what I say. " > > > > >(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation) > > > > > > > > > >9. My sister passed away and her funeral was > > > > scheduled for Monday. When I > > > > >told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so > that I > > > > would have to miss work > > > > >on the busiest day of the year. He then > asked if > > > > we could change her > > > > burial > > > > >to Friday. He said, " That would be better > for me. " > > > > (Shipping executive, > > > > FTD > > > > >Florists) > > > > > > > > > >10. " We know that communication is a > problem, but > > > > the company is not going > > > > >to discuss it with the employees. " > (Switching > > > > supervisor, AT&T Long Lines > > > > >Division) > > > > > > > > > >11. We recently received a memo from senior > > > > management saying: " This is to > > > > >inform you that a memo will be issued today > > > > regarding the memo mentioned > > > > >above. " (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division) > > > > > > > > > >12. One day my Boss asked me to submit a > status > > > > report to him concerning a > > > > >project I was working on. I asked him if > tomorrow > > > > would be soon enough. > > > > He > > > > >said, " If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have > waited > > > > until tomorrow to ask > > > > for > > > > >it! " (New business manager, Hallmark > Greeting > > > > Cards.) > > > > > > > > > >13. As director of communications, I was > asked to > > > > prepare a memo reviewing > > > > >our company's training programs and > materials. In > > > > the body of the memo in > > > > >one of the sentences I mentioned the > " pedagogical > > > > approach " used by one of > > > > >the training manuals. The day after I routed > the > > > > memo to the executive > > > > >committee, I was called into the HR > director's > > > > office, and told that the > > > > >executive vice president wanted me out of the > > > > building by lunch. When I > > > > >asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand > for > > > > perverts (pedophiles?) > > > > >working in her company. Finally, he showed > me her > > > > copy of the memo, with > > > > her > > > > >demand that I be fired-and the word > " pedagogical " > > > > circled in red. The HR > > > > >manager was fairly reasonable, and once he > looked > > > > the word up in his > > > > >dictionary and made a copy of the definition > to > > > > send back to her, he told > > > > me > > > > >not to worry. He would take care of it. Two > days > > > > later, a memo to the > > > > >entire staff came out directing us that no > words > > > > which could not be found > > > > in > > > > >the local Sunday newspaper could be used in > company > > > > memos. A month later, > > > > I > > > > >resigned. In accordance with company policy, > I > > > > created my resignation memo > > > > >by pasting words together from the Sunday > paper. > > > > (Taco Bell Corporation) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > __________________________________________________ > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.