cindy: addiction vs. dependence & OT (NOTE: NOT a short story!)

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In a message dated 2/26/04 3:17:41 AM Pacific Standard Time,

ceda writes:

" I am no longer concerned about addiction. I do not abuse any Rx (or any

other kind) drug. I am concerned about quality of life. When pain interferes

with my daily basic functioning, I want some level of relief within reason.

Give me the damned medicine! (excuse my rare profanity, but I have no patience

with drs or anyone else who doesn't " get " what it feels like to hurt 24/7/365).

well, cindy, you've said it all in a nutshell. besides any of the drs who

don't get it, those who most bother me, who don't " get it " , are close family

members. they just frustrate the hell outta me (my profanities are not rare,

but if they need excusing, please do so). i had an ongoing disagreement (ok, it

was a fight)...w/my youngest daughter, who doesn't get it at all. the worst

pain she's ever had is a bad case of herpes (the painful genital type, which

never returned, although she is aware there's still a chance they can even

after 13 yrs) & it was a little tough to feel sympathetic about that, but i did

my

best. this child is the type who feels " entitled " (a lot like my ex, who's a

monster). the weird thing is, our whole family suffered for 2-1/2 yrs while

he laid around, complaining about a back injury - which NO dr ever found

anything wrong with EVER. i understand that in rare cases, this can happen. he

did take a fall, but he was so drunk, he fell easily, tripping backwards over a

2' brick wall. i worked 3 jobs at that time, so we could keep our house. i

never complained, i was honestly glad to get out of the house, so i could be

w/adults who weren't professional whiners. we were on welfare, medi-cal

(california medical insurance for people who qualify) & food stamps (he was too

embarassed to go to the grocery store w/me when i had to use those). and the

kids

got free lunches at school, which they loved (cuz even on our normal budget,

they rarely got hot lunches). he'd scold them for telling anyone they got

free lunches, as that was also embarassing. i don't need to tell you that it

was

the anjil of the family who had to go in to apply for anything (unless it was

required he be there, too).

i totally got off the subject (my mind does that a lot these days)...my

daughter & i had this ongoing fight about the meds i was taking. she thought

they

were bad & wrong. i personally didn't care what she thought. my boyfriend

kept telling me, don't worry, sweetie, she'll get tired of it & stop buggin you

pretty soon. well, i was pretty surprised one day when she called & said to

me, it seems like all we do is fight lately, mom & i guess you'd probably like

it if we just didn't talk about your meds anymore (thank you, Jesus). i

agreed i would like that, so we haven't talked about it since. she lives 35

miles

south & is in a new relationship (i call it new...she's been dating him for 4

mo. & i still haven't met him but they've been w/her dad & stepmom several

times). here's how important i am in her life. about 3 wks ago, she says to me

something about her birthday party (that she's having for herself) & then a

quick, oh, i forgot to send you an invitation, i need to do that. today is her

bday. did i ever get an invitation? what do you think? well i'm just as

glad cuz i wouldn't wanna be in the same room as her dumbass dad & his hillbilly

wife. the amount of stress that would cause me would be unbelievably immense,

so i'm glad she forgot. but it still hurts. & i am gonna give her hell when

she says why didn't you come to my party.

my other daughter is very sensitive about me, about the way i feel, about my

meds, about everything in my life. cuz she loves me as amazingly close to

unconditional as she can get. she understands my pain (she's inherited my

migraines, but will admit she can only imagine the amount of pain i must

suffer).

she's also inherited my HEDS, but so far, it hasn't done much, other than

caused 2 knee dislocations in her teens. i pray for her constantly because she

is

grossly overweight & if she doesn't start losing it (i, who am 40 lbs

overweight right now -- YIKES!!), she's going to have sucha hard time when she

gets

older. or maybe not, maybe that's all that will ever happen in her lifetime?

who knows? she lost her baby boy at 5 wks old - 7 yrs ago, so she has alot of

compassion for people. her father disowned her cuz she didn't buy her

stepmonster (laurie's nickname for the witch) a xmas gift one yr cuz laurie had

to

stay at their house for a few months (she was cutting into their private

time...i never had private time, just two kids to raise all by myself when he

left to

go live w/the hillbilly). that was about 6 yrs ago & he has never spoken to

her since. whatta nice daddy, huh?

i had a dr awhile back who taught me that there was a difference between

addiction & dependence. he said if you are using your last $20 to get drugs,

you

are addicted. if you have real pain & your dr gives you rx's for meds, you

are dependent on those meds to help control (we pray) that pain. i'm at the

point now where i'm on heavy duty meds & they're not helping me much anymore. i

don't know where i go from here. i know the pump is an option (my pain dr & i

have discussed it), but i don't know if i wanna go there. i guess i need to

do some investigating. anybody have it & wanna tell me the E true hollywood

story about it? does anyone use injectable meds & if so, would you please

email me about it? anything i'm asking, you can send to me personally, you

don't

have to post to everyone, it's up to you, of course. anyway, i'm up for some

suggestions at this point. i'm currently using the highest doseage of ACTIQ

(which is fentanyl, the chemical in the pain patches - which i couldn't use cuz

the adhesive on the patch made my skin break out (just like in the old days,

when the old type adhesive tape w/the really sticky stuff would make my skin

turn red & a rash from hell along w/it). some drs even freak out when they see

that doseage on my med list (like i care). i also take AVINZA, a controlled

release form of morphine, which REALLY helps the chronic daily HA's i've had

since 1985 (doesn't work on migraines tho). it is amazing to me that i've

tried just about every pain med in the universe & finally, this oddball one

helps

me. thank you, God. what a relief. my neck, however, is still messed up.

which is why i don't understand the whole thing?

i've written quite enough for one evening. i wonder if my knees will let me

stand up. i've been sitting in this chair for about 4 hrs. that's not good.

i had my L knee aspirated on tues & it really helped the level of pain. i'm

going in on mon to see if he'll do my R one. then he's going to send me to

USC, to a rheumatologist (who was his professor) just to see what he'll say

about my challenges. carole e, are you out there?

love & cloudfuls of anjil hugs for the weekend () : )

jil