Re: Debbie to Lyn Ginny to Barbara

[Guest guest]

Ginny and Barbara,

These conversations are precious. I am glad you both wrote.

With love, Lyn

Ginny Barrientos <hisloss123@y...> wrote:

> Barbara,

>

> I can relate to what you are going through...I went through what

you are going through in June of 2001 through my last day of work

March 14, 2002...As you can see the date of my last day of work will

always be in my mind. I was a dental hygienist until june 2001...I

couldn't do my job anymore...My drs all told me it..And I would not

believe that at the age of 32 with 2 children that I was not going

to be able to work ever again. So I decided that if I could not be a

dental hygienist there were other jobs out there...I would go back

to school and get a degree in something else..but what? I got a job

right away as a bank teller...a big cut in pay...more then half of

what I was making before...but I thought if I work hard and move up

in the company..and go back to college in the evenings for

accounting..and then get my CPA I would be fine...and could

definetly do this. I worked for 9 months as a bank teller...was

exhausted when I got home..sore and cranky. How was I ever going to

> take classes at night and get a 4 yr degree in accounting which

was going to take me about 10 yrs to complete. Finally I came to

the decision the drs had come to 9 months before...me now at 33 was

totally disabled. I was devasted...I got depressed..I was a

mom..but my carreer was very important...it gave me more of an

identity...I wasn't just marie's mom...or ie's mom...I had a

name. But then I realized...I was still the same person...I had all

the knowledge of a dental hygienist..people still came to me for

answers on problems they were having with their teeth...or who was

the best dentist to go to. No one was looking at me

as " disabled " ..they were looking at me as who I always was. It was

really hard for me at first..and wondered how I was going to fill my

days...I find I never have enough time to do everything I want to

do...or the energy sometimes to do what I wanted to get done...I

never have a problem filling my days up. In the beginning I

volunteered at my

> children's school's alot...but now I find i can't even do

that..because I can't committ to something day's in advance...I have

to take it day by day and sometimes minute by minute. I came to the

conclusion...we define ourselves...no one else does...and we are the

person who judges who we are more harshly then anyone else would.

So make that judgement the right one..don't base it on who you were

and aren't anymore...you are the same person now..hopefully a better

one as the years go by. I have to go get ready to go meet

you...lol So...cya soon...Hugs..Ginny

>

> BARBARA TORREY <torreyb@p...> wrote:

> Lyn - I was intrigued, and could relate to, the difference in

having your self-concept connected to " doing " vs " being. " I've

experienced the other losses that I have had in my life that were

results of the RSD have felt far less severe than my recent one of

having to give up work (even though I am holding on to the idea that

it will only be temporary). I believe that it's because my work was

nore than something that I did. It has played a huge part of

my " being, " in defining " who I am. "

> The external stuff means something too though. I received the

disability van pass today. You know, the one that entitles me to

have a van come to my door and take me to the doctors. I had

anticipated being approved. I een knew that I would struggle a bit

with the idea of having a " disability " that meant that I qualified

for certain entitlements. When it arrived though, I started to

cry. It only got worse when I realized that they had fully approved

my application to the extent that they had given me full approval

for rides anywhere as long as I gave them 24 hours notice. As I

said in my talk with Tricia, it was like the good news was that they

had validated my having a disability and the bad news was that they

had validated my having a disability. I guess I'm in a place right

now where nothing feels like good news. Just so hard, these days.

> Lyn, I'm so sorry that your loss of remission has brought back

to this crappy place. While it may help to have others here in the

group now to support you, I wish that you could have found us under

different circumstances. I can only hope that you, and me, and

everyone here will have a time where we can say " remission " and

embrace it as our own. Barbara

>

> lynlorraine <lynlorraine@y...> wrote:

>

>

> Debbie, I see birthday reminders posted but I'm not sure how that

> is handled. And there is a page for contacts however only a few

> posted so I'm thinking it is something to develop privately and

then

> share when appropriate. I do know what you are saying about the

> cane, the flat shoes, all the " things " that go along with

> managing.....the change in the outer self image. It sounds like

you

> are moving through this with bravery. Even though I thought I knew

> myself and my values I wasn't prepared for the feelings of being

> no

> longer worthy. Don't ask me worthy of what because I can't

> tell you

> anything that would make sense. I was ashamed and I didn't know

> why.

>

> Now what I see is that everyone in their own life time struggles

> with the ageless question of Who AM I? and then they busily seek

> outside of themselves to prove who they are maybe spending years

> running around in the wrong field looking for the answers. For us

> with the debilitating nature of RSD must cut to the chase.

> Everything is taken from us and all we have left is our insides.

> And there is where we do our battle. Until I went through it I

> didn't realize that I had an image that was wrapped up in

> the " doing " of life. It seems that my worth was hinged

> entirely on

> what I did. Apparently the answer to the question of " Who Am

> I? "

> was not in the best shape. RSD changed me big time and it is still

> doing its work. I'd like to think it is changing me for the

> good.

> For me sometimes having a good cry is a release. Other times it is

> not. I don't know what makes the difference but sometimes in my

> body I feel it make a change for the better. Maybe it is just

> letting go of bracing against the pain.

>

>