Guest guest Posted July 20, 2006 Report Share Posted July 20, 2006 Tara, I think it is pretty variable with dads. One thing I would suggest is to watch Mr. Holland's Opus - it might get your husband to thinking. I know my husband was much more emotional about the diagnosis than I was. But I was the one who actually did the therapy. One thing that I realized, I was the one that went to the first appt where I was given the diagnosis - alone. Then it was my job to inform my husband. So after that I made sure he attended all major medical occurences. It really can tear you apart if one of you always has to report the news to the other one. Much better if you can be there together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 20, 2006 Report Share Posted July 20, 2006 In a message dated 7/20/2006 5:16:16 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time, Barbara.T.Mellert@... writes: I didn't watch Mr. Holland's Opus for a LONG time and loved it when I watched it - but wow, did I cry buckets. That's a really good suggestion..w Tara - good luck with this! Barbara And every time we see it, my hubby -- a big ole bear of a man, tears up at the kitchen scene. It's a scene where she explains, quite emotionally, that she wants to teach their son to sign, to change from an oral-only approach (so popular at that time) because she wants to be able to communicate with their son. It's a fast paced tear jerker of a scene. Brief synopsis of the movie: Mr Holland is a musician who become a teacher, a good teacher. In an ironic twist, his son is deaf. He never really learns to sign well and his wife does a lot of translating. But it's not simply a story of a dad with a deaf son, that's only one theme in the movie. It's more a story about man discovering the meaning of his life and what impact he has had on others' lives. Throughout the movie, the main character, Mr Holland, is writing his " opus, " his great musical composition. In the end, the message is that his life itself is the great opus, the actual music composition was only a small part of it. Best -- Jill Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 20, 2006 Report Share Posted July 20, 2006 My husband also has a hard time signing with our daughter. He tries, but it is more difficult for him. Many times I will show him the sign and make him sign it to her. I have tried to get him to go to the doctor with both of our children for any kind of appointment. Sometimes I make the appointment so that it fits when I am working and he is not. He needs the chance to experience these things. I took a sign language class at the local community college. In the class there was 6 females and 1 male. Th guy had the hardest time in the class. His wife took the class with him. She did better than he did. He said he just didn't have time to practice his sign. Our teacher said that the men usually have the hardest time learning sign. She didn't know why, just an observation that she saw. Hope this helps, Amy motocrosschick032003 motocrosschick032003@...> wrote: I was just wondering if anyone else husbands or signigicant others were having a hard time dealing with the fact that there child is Deaf and If so Does he participate in any of the therapy or is it normal for them not too...My childs Dad just wont sign with her and gives in to her when she whines and I am the one that makes her sign to me what she wants and she is getting so confused i would just like to hear from some other families with dads that are being difficult or how the dad deals with it Tara --------------------------------- Groups are talking. We´re listening. Check out the handy changes to Yahoo! Groups. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 20, 2006 Report Share Posted July 20, 2006 My husband has been exposed to us signing to Jaden for 4 years now and still has a hard time. Fortunately, I was able to take ASL towards my degree this last semester but there is no way with is work schedule that he could do this. We also have a Deaf young women who teaches an ASL class here in our town but my husband seems very distracted when he is there and can't follow very well because the class is taught in ASL due to her being Deaf. I don't worry too much about it. It does bother me when Jaden is communicating something to his dad and he has to come and get me to interpret. I figure that once Jaden is fluent himself and as time goes by then my husband will see the need and feel the need to learn. I can't imagine having a 16 year old teenage son fluent in ASL and my husband not being able to communicate with him! My husband is also the one who would much rather just give in instead of dealing with the issue at hand. Jaden has become very good at getting his way with his dad. le Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 20, 2006 Report Share Posted July 20, 2006 I think I'm awfully lucky - my husband and I have been in this together from the beginning. Hugh takes our boys to as many audiology appointments as I do. And for any " big " appointments - like initial testing way back when, their CI surgeries, the first appointments after the CI, first mappings, etc. - we're there together. You're right, , it's hard to be the reporter and pretty stressful. I will say because we both work fulltime, it may be different for us too. Luckily both our jobs are flexible and accommodate. Also, Hugh (my husband) and I are very different people. I tend to handle things by digging in and learning; Hugh's much more relaxed than I am. I realized early on that just because we react differently doesn't mean he cares less than I do - just the opposite! Hugh's really involved in the boys' activities - especially sports - which is great since no one communicates with them better, you know? Initially I didn't understand that - I felt like I was the one who was researching and learning and he wasn't - but it's just how he is. Luterman actually talks about dynamics between parents - I know he does when you hear him in person and I'm guessing in his books also. About how usually both parents handle their reactions to learning their child is deaf differently and often at different times. He feels that one parent has to be the one to hold themselves together so the other one call fall apart and vice versa. Very interesting and it makes a lot of sense. He has several wonderful books that might help you. Just good " Luterman " I didn't watch Mr. Holland's Opus for a LONG time and loved it when I watched it - but wow, did I cry buckets. That's a really good suggestion... Tara - good luck with this! Barbara pcknott@... wrote: > Tara, I think it is pretty variable with dads. One thing I would suggest is to watch Mr. Holland's Opus - it might get your husband to thinking. I know my husband was much more emotional about the diagnosis than I was. But I was the one who actually did the therapy. One thing that I realized, I was the one that went to the first appt where I was given the diagnosis - alone. Then it was my job to inform my husband. So after that I made sure he attended all major medical occurences. It really can tear you apart if one of you always has to report the news to the other one. Much better if you can be there together. > > > > > > > > All messages posted to this list are private and confidential. Each post is the intellectual property of the author and therefore subject to copyright restrictions. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 20, 2006 Report Share Posted July 20, 2006 Not sure if you guys know this but my undergraduate degree is in music - which made Mr. Holland's Opus all the more poignant for me. It was such a wonderful movie - but watch it with a box of Kleenix! JillcWood@... wrote: > > In a message dated 7/20/2006 5:16:16 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time, > Barbara.T.Mellert@... writes: > > I didn't watch Mr. Holland's Opus for a LONG time and loved it when I > watched it - but wow, did I cry buckets. That's a really good suggestion..w > > Tara - good luck with this! > > Barbara > > > > > > > And every time we see it, my hubby -- a big ole bear of a man, tears up at > the kitchen scene. It's a scene where she explains, quite emotionally, that she > wants to teach their son to sign, to change from an oral-only approach (so > popular at that time) because she wants to be able to communicate with their > son. It's a fast paced tear jerker of a scene. > > Brief synopsis of the movie: Mr Holland is a musician who become a teacher, > a good teacher. In an ironic twist, his son is deaf. He never really learns > to sign well and his wife does a lot of translating. But it's not simply a > story of a dad with a deaf son, that's only one theme in the movie. It's more a > story about man discovering the meaning of his life and what impact he has > had on others' lives. Throughout the movie, the main character, Mr Holland, is > writing his " opus, " his great musical composition. In the end, the message is > that his life itself is the great opus, the actual music composition was > only a small part of it. > > Best -- Jill > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 20, 2006 Report Share Posted July 20, 2006 Tara It's typical that a child's MOTHER and SISTER are more involved in a deaf child's life vs. a father and brother. Since it's typical, it's normal, but not the ideal situation. I think you need to show him statistics that show a family's commitment to a deaf child needs to be a family communication commitment and why that's critical. Find some deaf mentors for your family and go to deaf events. I know that's not easy. I know it's not. > > I was just wondering if anyone else husbands or signigicant others > were having a hard time dealing with the fact that there child is Deaf > and If so Does he participate in any of the therapy or is it normal > for them not too...My childs Dad just wont sign with her and gives in > to her when she whines and I am the one that makes her sign to me what > she wants and she is getting so confused i would just like to hear > from some other families with dads that are being difficult or how the > dad deals with it > > > Tara > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 20, 2006 Report Share Posted July 20, 2006 What great insight everyone has. It's also interesting to note that if you combine all the students I interpret for in the elementary/middle/high schools, the only parents who can communicate with their students are the Deaf parents. The other parents use basic gestures when at home, and interpreters when they have to visit the school. I used to think this was horrible...how could they neglect to make the effort to effectively communicate with their child? I still feel it is a tragedy, but since our son was born (n, 2 and bilateral hearing loss) I am beginning to understand it. My husband makes some efforts to learn sign language from me, but not to the extent that I think is necessary to successfully communicate with him. Why? Time, fear, motivation, hard of hearing as opposed to Deaf...I don't know. But since n was born, I have plunged myself into the Deaf community. I applaud all the parents, caretakers, siblings, teachers, etc., who make attempts to learn the language in order to better communicate with their son, daughter, student, friend, etc. It is a difficult task, but WELL worth the rewards!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Leah > > > > I was just wondering if anyone else husbands or signigicant others > > were having a hard time dealing with the fact that there child is > Deaf > > and If so Does he participate in any of the therapy or is it > normal > > for them not too...My childs Dad just wont sign with her and gives > in > > to her when she whines and I am the one that makes her sign to me > what > > she wants and she is getting so confused i would just like to hear > > from some other families with dads that are being difficult or how > the > > dad deals with it > > > > > > Tara > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 21, 2006 Report Share Posted July 21, 2006 In a message dated 7/21/2006 1:02:18 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time, rlchapa@... writes: My childs Dad just wont sign with her and gives in to her when she whines and I am the one that makes her sign to me what she wants and she is getting so confused i would just like to hear from some other families with dads that are being difficult or how the dad deals with it Tara, First off, I can't tell you how many women I know who complain about this issue with their hearing children. Discipline and follow-through, from what I can tell, tend to fall in mom's lap. Perhaps it's because she'd the one who is with the kids the most, I don't know. What I do know is that this is a common complaint, especially with daughters. In our household, I tend to be the disciplinarian because I'm the one who's here, plus I have a more confrontational personality. My hubby and I talk about everything, sometimes we have to resort to emailing when our schedules are insane, but we do communicate and agree on things. To the kids, it looks like I am the official Wicked Witch of the West. So much so that my daughter (who is 12 and either going through puberty and hormonal upheaval, or is possessed by demons) has said that I hate her and sit up nights thinking of ways to make her life miserable. (yes, I know, it's adolescent histrionics and find it very amusing). Now we have family conferences. We wait until dad is home, so I have resorted to the 1950s phrase " wait 'til your father gets home " and feel silly for doing it, but that's what's needed. This way she can hear from her dad's own mouth that the decision to delete her screen names and take away her cell phone was a joint one. (A story for another time and what a story!) As for dealing with a toddler, I dpon't have a suggestion, except to say, perhaps you can sit down with him and talk about needing to have a single message, a united front when it comes to how you deal with certain things. Make a list of rules and put it on the fridge. That way either one of you can point to it, and quote it to you daughter so she knows it's the official family rule. (my friend did this with her son who's Ian's age, and still does for her younger kids) As for the other issue, the one about Dads handling things differently, I have to agree with everything that's been said about parents dealing with things at different paces, on their own individual timelines. And the comment about one parents falling apart one at a time is very true. Add in the individual personalities and you can get some very uneven coping and grieving timelines. I also agree with whoever said that you should bring him along to doctor appointments, or make them for when he can take your daughter without you (, I think). I work from home (I'm an illustrator) so it usually falls to me to take the kids to doctors/therapy. It's actually the way we intentionally set up our lives. We chose for me to work from home so I could be the Class Mom and all that other mom stuff (but he does most of the cooking, yay!) So, by our own design, I was the one doing all the appointments at first. Honestly, there were too many for my hubby to take time off from work. Even so, I made some for him to attend. He needed the chance to talk with the docs, to ask his own questions and hear the answers without it all being filtered through me. (In retrospect, I wish I'd made him do some of the MRI and CT scans ... watching your kid fed into those machines is a bit sobering.) My husband's personality in many ways is the opposite of mine. He is quiet, soft spoken and an observer. He quietly assesses situations and then just as quietly gets things done, where I rarely do anything quietly. I research things, make calls, get information -- mine is a more driven personality. He watches, gets the " big picture " where I dive right in. We actually make a good pair. But I have to remember that he does things differently than I do and not get mad at him for not doing it my way. Heck, he usually watches me as well, and then chooses how to fit into what I'm doing --or leaves me on my own and stays out of my way. He always jokes that he likes cats better than dogs, because they're independent and think for themselves, and the same goes for women. (grin) Our coping/grieving process for dealing with Ian's hearing loss was just as different as our personalities. What I initially perceived as indifference was his way of holding it together, of holding himself together while he figured it all out. It made me furious when he'd poo-poo something, or suggest we step back and watch -- Ian was 7 when we found out about his loss and 8 when we finally had a correct diagnosis. I didn't think we had the time to " wait and watch " anything. And the truth is we were both right. As a dad, Larry's issues were/are different than mine. The father/son relationship is tied up with all sorts of significance that the mother/son relationship doesn't have. (We have different ones.) It sounds cliche but there are dreams and expectations that come with a man having a son, and my husband had to grieve for those loses and find a way to redefine his expectations of fatherhood for a deaf boy. Not an easy task. (And yes, I know this sounds like something out of a Ladies Home Journal do-it-yourself psych quiz, but if you talk to a counselor, you'll find it's become a cliche for a reason, because it's so often true.) As Ian grew up, we all redefined our expectations bit by bit, and discovered, I think, that a lot of the initial " my son " dreams didn't have to be discarded, just altered to fit the boy. Which, if we're honest, all parents have to do for their kids at some point. Ian is 15 (almost 16) so it's been about 8 years since this all began. I've got the advantage of hindsight (and some counseling) to use when looking back at how we dealt with things. At the time it was not easy, it wasn't pretty and I'd hate to have to go through it all over again. But we made it and Ian is okay. In fact. he's great. We've now been taking sign classes as a family for about a year. My husband misses some because of work and meetings and he rarely uses sign except at the pool or places when Ian can't hear. He feels he's the worst signer of the group because he forgets vocabulary and his big hands don't make the letter forms easily or fluidly. Yet he is often the easiest for deaf people to understand because he uses very animated and clear facial expressions. The rest of us tend to make a concentrating face not one that corresponds to our conversation. So, there's definitely an effort being made there and I think if Ian was not as oral as he is, Larry would have come around to signing sooner. Perhaps the reason why moms are more likely to sign is because women, on average, are more verbally and emotionally driven. I am the one who went online to teach myself at the web sites and started signing with Ian even before he wanted to sign. I am the one who found a tutor when Ian expressed an interest in taking classes. A lot of that is because part of my role in this family is being the " activities coordinator " (the Cruise Director, LOL). But Larry has said that it's not something he would have done, not something he'd have made time for, so he's glad I did it. He readily agreed to have classes once I found a tutor, but prior to that he didn't use sign much at all. It was a couple years into my using sign (badly!) that he started to pick up pieces and use it. So, the bottom line, at least for me, is that we do things very differently and I have to make it a point to try and see that it isn't because he doesn't care or thinks things aren't important, but because he is simply a very different person interpreting and dealing with all of this in his own way. My way isn't always the only way, I have to try and remember that. One of the things I try to think when I am moved to strangle him (grin) is that we chose each other for a reason, and sometimes the personality traits that drew me to my husband in the first place are the very ones that drive me insane. (and vice versa) Go easy on yourself and on Dad. You're both coping with things in your own way. And if things feel really bad and you don't think you can cope on your own, then consider counseling even if it's just for you. Having someone outside the situation to talk with is often incredibly helpful. Hugs to you -- Jill Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 21, 2006 Report Share Posted July 21, 2006 In a message dated 7/21/2006 1:02:18 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time, rlchapa@... writes: My childs Dad just wont sign with her and gives in to her when she whines and I am the one that makes her sign to me what she wants and she is getting so confused i would just like to hear from some other families with dads that are being difficult or how the dad deals with it Tara, First off, I can't tell you how many women I know who complain about this issue with their hearing children. Discipline and follow-through, from what I can tell, tend to fall in mom's lap. Perhaps it's because she'd the one who is with the kids the most, I don't know. What I do know is that this is a common complaint, especially with daughters. In our household, I tend to be the disciplinarian because I'm the one who's here, plus I have a more confrontational personality. My hubby and I talk about everything, sometimes we have to resort to emailing when our schedules are insane, but we do communicate and agree on things. To the kids, it looks like I am the official Wicked Witch of the West. So much so that my daughter (who is 12 and either going through puberty and hormonal upheaval, or is possessed by demons) has said that I hate her and sit up nights thinking of ways to make her life miserable. (yes, I know, it's adolescent histrionics and find it very amusing). Now we have family conferences. We wait until dad is home, so I have resorted to the 1950s phrase " wait 'til your father gets home " and feel silly for doing it, but that's what's needed. This way she can hear from her dad's own mouth that the decision to delete her screen names and take away her cell phone was a joint one. (A story for another time and what a story!) As for dealing with a toddler, I dpon't have a suggestion, except to say, perhaps you can sit down with him and talk about needing to have a single message, a united front when it comes to how you deal with certain things. Make a list of rules and put it on the fridge. That way either one of you can point to it, and quote it to you daughter so she knows it's the official family rule. (my friend did this with her son who's Ian's age, and still does for her younger kids) As for the other issue, the one about Dads handling things differently, I have to agree with everything that's been said about parents dealing with things at different paces, on their own individual timelines. And the comment about one parents falling apart one at a time is very true. Add in the individual personalities and you can get some very uneven coping and grieving timelines. I also agree with whoever said that you should bring him along to doctor appointments, or make them for when he can take your daughter without you (, I think). I work from home (I'm an illustrator) so it usually falls to me to take the kids to doctors/therapy. It's actually the way we intentionally set up our lives. We chose for me to work from home so I could be the Class Mom and all that other mom stuff (but he does most of the cooking, yay!) So, by our own design, I was the one doing all the appointments at first. Honestly, there were too many for my hubby to take time off from work. Even so, I made some for him to attend. He needed the chance to talk with the docs, to ask his own questions and hear the answers without it all being filtered through me. (In retrospect, I wish I'd made him do some of the MRI and CT scans ... watching your kid fed into those machines is a bit sobering.) My husband's personality in many ways is the opposite of mine. He is quiet, soft spoken and an observer. He quietly assesses situations and then just as quietly gets things done, where I rarely do anything quietly. I research things, make calls, get information -- mine is a more driven personality. He watches, gets the " big picture " where I dive right in. We actually make a good pair. But I have to remember that he does things differently than I do and not get mad at him for not doing it my way. Heck, he usually watches me as well, and then chooses how to fit into what I'm doing --or leaves me on my own and stays out of my way. He always jokes that he likes cats better than dogs, because they're independent and think for themselves, and the same goes for women. (grin) Our coping/grieving process for dealing with Ian's hearing loss was just as different as our personalities. What I initially perceived as indifference was his way of holding it together, of holding himself together while he figured it all out. It made me furious when he'd poo-poo something, or suggest we step back and watch -- Ian was 7 when we found out about his loss and 8 when we finally had a correct diagnosis. I didn't think we had the time to " wait and watch " anything. And the truth is we were both right. As a dad, Larry's issues were/are different than mine. The father/son relationship is tied up with all sorts of significance that the mother/son relationship doesn't have. (We have different ones.) It sounds cliche but there are dreams and expectations that come with a man having a son, and my husband had to grieve for those loses and find a way to redefine his expectations of fatherhood for a deaf boy. Not an easy task. (And yes, I know this sounds like something out of a Ladies Home Journal do-it-yourself psych quiz, but if you talk to a counselor, you'll find it's become a cliche for a reason, because it's so often true.) As Ian grew up, we all redefined our expectations bit by bit, and discovered, I think, that a lot of the initial " my son " dreams didn't have to be discarded, just altered to fit the boy. Which, if we're honest, all parents have to do for their kids at some point. Ian is 15 (almost 16) so it's been about 8 years since this all began. I've got the advantage of hindsight (and some counseling) to use when looking back at how we dealt with things. At the time it was not easy, it wasn't pretty and I'd hate to have to go through it all over again. But we made it and Ian is okay. In fact. he's great. We've now been taking sign classes as a family for about a year. My husband misses some because of work and meetings and he rarely uses sign except at the pool or places when Ian can't hear. He feels he's the worst signer of the group because he forgets vocabulary and his big hands don't make the letter forms easily or fluidly. Yet he is often the easiest for deaf people to understand because he uses very animated and clear facial expressions. The rest of us tend to make a concentrating face not one that corresponds to our conversation. So, there's definitely an effort being made there and I think if Ian was not as oral as he is, Larry would have come around to signing sooner. Perhaps the reason why moms are more likely to sign is because women, on average, are more verbally and emotionally driven. I am the one who went online to teach myself at the web sites and started signing with Ian even before he wanted to sign. I am the one who found a tutor when Ian expressed an interest in taking classes. A lot of that is because part of my role in this family is being the " activities coordinator " (the Cruise Director, LOL). But Larry has said that it's not something he would have done, not something he'd have made time for, so he's glad I did it. He readily agreed to have classes once I found a tutor, but prior to that he didn't use sign much at all. It was a couple years into my using sign (badly!) that he started to pick up pieces and use it. So, the bottom line, at least for me, is that we do things very differently and I have to make it a point to try and see that it isn't because he doesn't care or thinks things aren't important, but because he is simply a very different person interpreting and dealing with all of this in his own way. My way isn't always the only way, I have to try and remember that. One of the things I try to think when I am moved to strangle him (grin) is that we chose each other for a reason, and sometimes the personality traits that drew me to my husband in the first place are the very ones that drive me insane. (and vice versa) Go easy on yourself and on Dad. You're both coping with things in your own way. And if things feel really bad and you don't think you can cope on your own, then consider counseling even if it's just for you. Having someone outside the situation to talk with is often incredibly helpful. Hugs to you -- Jill Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 21, 2006 Report Share Posted July 21, 2006 In a message dated 7/21/2006 1:02:18 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time, rlchapa@... writes: My childs Dad just wont sign with her and gives in to her when she whines and I am the one that makes her sign to me what she wants and she is getting so confused i would just like to hear from some other families with dads that are being difficult or how the dad deals with it Tara, First off, I can't tell you how many women I know who complain about this issue with their hearing children. Discipline and follow-through, from what I can tell, tend to fall in mom's lap. Perhaps it's because she'd the one who is with the kids the most, I don't know. What I do know is that this is a common complaint, especially with daughters. In our household, I tend to be the disciplinarian because I'm the one who's here, plus I have a more confrontational personality. My hubby and I talk about everything, sometimes we have to resort to emailing when our schedules are insane, but we do communicate and agree on things. To the kids, it looks like I am the official Wicked Witch of the West. So much so that my daughter (who is 12 and either going through puberty and hormonal upheaval, or is possessed by demons) has said that I hate her and sit up nights thinking of ways to make her life miserable. (yes, I know, it's adolescent histrionics and find it very amusing). Now we have family conferences. We wait until dad is home, so I have resorted to the 1950s phrase " wait 'til your father gets home " and feel silly for doing it, but that's what's needed. This way she can hear from her dad's own mouth that the decision to delete her screen names and take away her cell phone was a joint one. (A story for another time and what a story!) As for dealing with a toddler, I dpon't have a suggestion, except to say, perhaps you can sit down with him and talk about needing to have a single message, a united front when it comes to how you deal with certain things. Make a list of rules and put it on the fridge. That way either one of you can point to it, and quote it to you daughter so she knows it's the official family rule. (my friend did this with her son who's Ian's age, and still does for her younger kids) As for the other issue, the one about Dads handling things differently, I have to agree with everything that's been said about parents dealing with things at different paces, on their own individual timelines. And the comment about one parents falling apart one at a time is very true. Add in the individual personalities and you can get some very uneven coping and grieving timelines. I also agree with whoever said that you should bring him along to doctor appointments, or make them for when he can take your daughter without you (, I think). I work from home (I'm an illustrator) so it usually falls to me to take the kids to doctors/therapy. It's actually the way we intentionally set up our lives. We chose for me to work from home so I could be the Class Mom and all that other mom stuff (but he does most of the cooking, yay!) So, by our own design, I was the one doing all the appointments at first. Honestly, there were too many for my hubby to take time off from work. Even so, I made some for him to attend. He needed the chance to talk with the docs, to ask his own questions and hear the answers without it all being filtered through me. (In retrospect, I wish I'd made him do some of the MRI and CT scans ... watching your kid fed into those machines is a bit sobering.) My husband's personality in many ways is the opposite of mine. He is quiet, soft spoken and an observer. He quietly assesses situations and then just as quietly gets things done, where I rarely do anything quietly. I research things, make calls, get information -- mine is a more driven personality. He watches, gets the " big picture " where I dive right in. We actually make a good pair. But I have to remember that he does things differently than I do and not get mad at him for not doing it my way. Heck, he usually watches me as well, and then chooses how to fit into what I'm doing --or leaves me on my own and stays out of my way. He always jokes that he likes cats better than dogs, because they're independent and think for themselves, and the same goes for women. (grin) Our coping/grieving process for dealing with Ian's hearing loss was just as different as our personalities. What I initially perceived as indifference was his way of holding it together, of holding himself together while he figured it all out. It made me furious when he'd poo-poo something, or suggest we step back and watch -- Ian was 7 when we found out about his loss and 8 when we finally had a correct diagnosis. I didn't think we had the time to " wait and watch " anything. And the truth is we were both right. As a dad, Larry's issues were/are different than mine. The father/son relationship is tied up with all sorts of significance that the mother/son relationship doesn't have. (We have different ones.) It sounds cliche but there are dreams and expectations that come with a man having a son, and my husband had to grieve for those loses and find a way to redefine his expectations of fatherhood for a deaf boy. Not an easy task. (And yes, I know this sounds like something out of a Ladies Home Journal do-it-yourself psych quiz, but if you talk to a counselor, you'll find it's become a cliche for a reason, because it's so often true.) As Ian grew up, we all redefined our expectations bit by bit, and discovered, I think, that a lot of the initial " my son " dreams didn't have to be discarded, just altered to fit the boy. Which, if we're honest, all parents have to do for their kids at some point. Ian is 15 (almost 16) so it's been about 8 years since this all began. I've got the advantage of hindsight (and some counseling) to use when looking back at how we dealt with things. At the time it was not easy, it wasn't pretty and I'd hate to have to go through it all over again. But we made it and Ian is okay. In fact. he's great. We've now been taking sign classes as a family for about a year. My husband misses some because of work and meetings and he rarely uses sign except at the pool or places when Ian can't hear. He feels he's the worst signer of the group because he forgets vocabulary and his big hands don't make the letter forms easily or fluidly. Yet he is often the easiest for deaf people to understand because he uses very animated and clear facial expressions. The rest of us tend to make a concentrating face not one that corresponds to our conversation. So, there's definitely an effort being made there and I think if Ian was not as oral as he is, Larry would have come around to signing sooner. Perhaps the reason why moms are more likely to sign is because women, on average, are more verbally and emotionally driven. I am the one who went online to teach myself at the web sites and started signing with Ian even before he wanted to sign. I am the one who found a tutor when Ian expressed an interest in taking classes. A lot of that is because part of my role in this family is being the " activities coordinator " (the Cruise Director, LOL). But Larry has said that it's not something he would have done, not something he'd have made time for, so he's glad I did it. He readily agreed to have classes once I found a tutor, but prior to that he didn't use sign much at all. It was a couple years into my using sign (badly!) that he started to pick up pieces and use it. So, the bottom line, at least for me, is that we do things very differently and I have to make it a point to try and see that it isn't because he doesn't care or thinks things aren't important, but because he is simply a very different person interpreting and dealing with all of this in his own way. My way isn't always the only way, I have to try and remember that. One of the things I try to think when I am moved to strangle him (grin) is that we chose each other for a reason, and sometimes the personality traits that drew me to my husband in the first place are the very ones that drive me insane. (and vice versa) Go easy on yourself and on Dad. You're both coping with things in your own way. And if things feel really bad and you don't think you can cope on your own, then consider counseling even if it's just for you. Having someone outside the situation to talk with is often incredibly helpful. Hugs to you -- Jill Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 21, 2006 Report Share Posted July 21, 2006 My husband is very involved with my son, he is a stay at home dad right now while he is studying the bar. He takes my son to his Parent Infant appointments and the ECI folks. He makes sure Donovan has his hearing aids in. He is a good dad, but does not approach this diagnosis they way I do. . . I am on this chat group. I research different methods, and talk to as many people as possible. I am learning, and trying to consistently use, a few signs. I question the information we are given and feel an ultimate pressure and responsiblity to my son and his success in this world. My husband, is laid back, he does not question the information he recieves from our counselors, except to question how accurate Donovan's hearing loss diagnosis really is. His attitude is everything will be fine. I hope he is right, but it is my nature to worry. I understand what you are going through, I know in my heart that my husband will do what it takes and will always be a great father, but it is hard to watch him approach this from a different perspective. Especially since he is the partner I have to go through this with! However like another Mom said - we ultimately balance each other out, and I have found this chat group to be very comforting -- finding other parents who are going through or have gone through similar situations or situations that are yet to come for us. . . I hope that, like me, just having a forum to express your concerns and hear feedback from others gives you a peace of mind. And to second all the others - I never watched Mr Holland's Opus until after my son was born. It is a great movie and I cried hysterically during the kitchen scene as it was during a time when I was trying to decide if we would " buck the system " and teach Donovan to sign as well as speak. Definately that and " Sound and Fury " are good ones to watch. " For a Deaf Son " was also recommended to me, but I could never find a copy. Good luck and you are not alone. Emylie San , Tx Mom to Kaiden, 6 & Hearing and Donovan, 7mos Moderate HL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 21, 2006 Report Share Posted July 21, 2006 My husband is very involved with my son, he is a stay at home dad right now while he is studying the bar. He takes my son to his Parent Infant appointments and the ECI folks. He makes sure Donovan has his hearing aids in. He is a good dad, but does not approach this diagnosis they way I do. . . I am on this chat group. I research different methods, and talk to as many people as possible. I am learning, and trying to consistently use, a few signs. I question the information we are given and feel an ultimate pressure and responsiblity to my son and his success in this world. My husband, is laid back, he does not question the information he recieves from our counselors, except to question how accurate Donovan's hearing loss diagnosis really is. His attitude is everything will be fine. I hope he is right, but it is my nature to worry. I understand what you are going through, I know in my heart that my husband will do what it takes and will always be a great father, but it is hard to watch him approach this from a different perspective. Especially since he is the partner I have to go through this with! However like another Mom said - we ultimately balance each other out, and I have found this chat group to be very comforting -- finding other parents who are going through or have gone through similar situations or situations that are yet to come for us. . . I hope that, like me, just having a forum to express your concerns and hear feedback from others gives you a peace of mind. And to second all the others - I never watched Mr Holland's Opus until after my son was born. It is a great movie and I cried hysterically during the kitchen scene as it was during a time when I was trying to decide if we would " buck the system " and teach Donovan to sign as well as speak. Definately that and " Sound and Fury " are good ones to watch. " For a Deaf Son " was also recommended to me, but I could never find a copy. Good luck and you are not alone. Emylie San , Tx Mom to Kaiden, 6 & Hearing and Donovan, 7mos Moderate HL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 21, 2006 Report Share Posted July 21, 2006 My husband is very involved with my son, he is a stay at home dad right now while he is studying the bar. He takes my son to his Parent Infant appointments and the ECI folks. He makes sure Donovan has his hearing aids in. He is a good dad, but does not approach this diagnosis they way I do. . . I am on this chat group. I research different methods, and talk to as many people as possible. I am learning, and trying to consistently use, a few signs. I question the information we are given and feel an ultimate pressure and responsiblity to my son and his success in this world. My husband, is laid back, he does not question the information he recieves from our counselors, except to question how accurate Donovan's hearing loss diagnosis really is. His attitude is everything will be fine. I hope he is right, but it is my nature to worry. I understand what you are going through, I know in my heart that my husband will do what it takes and will always be a great father, but it is hard to watch him approach this from a different perspective. Especially since he is the partner I have to go through this with! However like another Mom said - we ultimately balance each other out, and I have found this chat group to be very comforting -- finding other parents who are going through or have gone through similar situations or situations that are yet to come for us. . . I hope that, like me, just having a forum to express your concerns and hear feedback from others gives you a peace of mind. And to second all the others - I never watched Mr Holland's Opus until after my son was born. It is a great movie and I cried hysterically during the kitchen scene as it was during a time when I was trying to decide if we would " buck the system " and teach Donovan to sign as well as speak. Definately that and " Sound and Fury " are good ones to watch. " For a Deaf Son " was also recommended to me, but I could never find a copy. Good luck and you are not alone. Emylie San , Tx Mom to Kaiden, 6 & Hearing and Donovan, 7mos Moderate HL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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