Re: I'm so depressed/

[Guest guest]

If I may ask...how old are you? And how long have you

been " diagnosed " ? I'm currently 36 and diagnosed at the age of 21...I

was a size 3 with a local modeling career (even a dancer on a CMT

video-because I not only taught dance I was in national competitions)

then after all the meds I BALLOONED to a size 16/18. There went all

my jobs. Plus I was going through a divorce and raising my 6 month

old son, on my own. My family (especially my mother) thinks

I'm " faking " how sick I am...and a lot of doctors that don't know

about Lupus think you are a hypocondriac. So you start

believing " it's all in my head I can't possibly have THIS MUCH wrong

with me. " But believe me it's NOT in your head and you are NOT alone.

We have all been there...and we are there still...just reach out your

hand and no one us (if not all of us) will take your hand and walk

with you (mentally and spiritially).

I don't know if you are married or have children but when the

question ever comes in my mind (I NEVER say it out loud) " Why me? " I

think of it this way...I'm glad I have it instead of a loved one of

mine (instead of my children). If your child ever has a serious

illness you'd ask (a higher power) to " take the illness from them and

give it to me. " This way I'm happy I have this disease (along with a

lot of other bad things) instead of my children (they are very

healthy). I am also a very strong person who can handle a lot but

there are times where I do cry. I have a breakdown about every 3

months. Yes even suicide was a thought because you are so sick and

tired of being sick and tired. Please contact me at

AuroraSkyward@... or IM me on AIM (screen name AuroraSkyward....of

course).

Blessings,

Coarsegold, CA

> Dear Members,

>

> I've been living a lie. I've been thinking about everything. I'm

trying to make it seem like everything is okay, but right now I'm

screaming that everything ISN'T okay. I don't know what to do with

myself half of the time. I'm so depressed and I want these negative

feelings to go away. I can't work because I have a chronic illness

called Lupus. I was fired from my job because I missed too many

days. I then filed for disability and it was denied.

>

> My sickness is getting no better. My financial situation is

getting no better. I'm just wondering when will get a break?

Not to talk about relgion, but I've always believed that there is a

better life than this. There has to be. It is so sad to think that

this is all there is and that's not fair if it was. Having the hope

of happiness forever gives me something good to think about each day,

but that's the only good thing I can think about.

>

> What do I do until I get to my blissful happiness? I feel like I'm

stuck in a rut. There are so many things that I want to do right now

but I'm not able to do because I'm sick. I'm tired of being sick,

you know? All this medicine I'm on for my illness has made me gain

so much weight and I want to lose it and I'm trying but it's so

hard. Why does everything in life have to be so terribly hard? I

wonder what have I done that was so wrong to make things the way that

they are?

>

> I understand that I'm going to have this illness for as long as I

live. As if that's not depressing enough. I just want to learn how

can I cope? I'm having a hard time coping with this and some times I

feel I just won't make it through the day. Those days are so

terribly long. I don't mean to go on and on but I'm so troubled

right now. In real life I have no friends. No one really to vent

to. I feel like no one understands what I'm going through. So, what

do I do?

>

> -.