Guest guest Posted January 29, 2003 Report Share Posted January 29, 2003 Today is becoming just too much to bear. This fucking house is leaking at 2 different windows, we've done all we can do to chip the ice off the roof to keep it from going down into the eaves. We even pulled the frozen solid gutters off so it run off instead of hitting the gutters and freezing back up under. I've been sopping up water & drying towels to sop up water for 3 days now. I've been going outside and knocking down icicles, climbing ladders and chipping at ice with a hammer for 3 days now. We need a new roof, and siding and gutters ... and have no money to do all this ... not to mention it just can't be done in this wintery weather. Rick is all pissy today. It snowed again last night and the combined snow was a bit too much in our very long driveway and I had trouble getting out this morning to take Jordan to therapy ... and trouble getting back into the garage when we came home. I said, " I'll shovel two tire tracks for the van to get out " and he said no, he'd shovel ... but complete with slamming of doors, huffing and puffing, and stomping around with the comment " I don't care which day but Thursday or Friday I need the day! " . WTF did I do??? I ask him " why are you mad at me? " and his reply is " you DON'T want to talk to me right now " . <blink> " You're mad at me?? Why are you mad at me? What did I do? " His reply " I SAID you DON'T want to talk to me right now. It's a cumulation of a lot of stuff and I need to calm down before I can talk to you. " WTF did I do??? I head off to the grocery store with one child in tow. All the while trying to figure out wtf I've done. The house isn't spotless, but it's pretty clean. He hasn't run out of laundry. I haven't been cooking that much lately ... maybe he's annoyed at that? I haven't been letting him sleep for hours & hours in the morning anymore .... maybe that's it? I go on and on, churning over it. And I'm getting pissed thinking about it. I have spent three days stemming a Noah-like flood in my kitchen and the children's family room. I've climbed ladders and chipped at ice. I've done laundry. I cleaned a whole house for his Superbowl party. I've taken children to therapy & classes. I've dealt with puking kids. I've picked up & picked up & picked up & picked up again, the kids playroom. I've researched autism, diets, treatments, therapies, the information is endless. I've fed kids, clothed kids, bathed kids, and changed countless diapers. I've done therapy with kids, taught kids, and otherwise done things & things for kids. I've had a raging sinus infection & been on medication during all this. The jobs that used to be his are suddenly now mine. He used to fold the laundry. Now, 9 times out of 10, I do it. I do most of the vacuuming now (that was his job). I clean everything. I pick up everything. He still loads the dishwasher, that's about it. Today was the first day he's shoveled any snow at all. I've been sludging through it for months .... or I shovel it. He used to get up in the morning and help with the kids if he didn't go to work until late. Now, if I let him, he'd sleep until it was time to get up & get ready. And even when I do rouse him .... he comes out and lays down on the sofa in the family room, pulls a blanket over his head and goes back to sleep. is crying for no good reason other than she's overtired. It's driving me nuts. She's throwing toys & otherwise grating on my nerves beyond belief. <sighs> I just screamed at her. <sighs> I just closed her in her room because I could feel myself winding up to a dangerous point. I was doing so well there for awhile. I was keeping myself together and my mood was actually improving and I was thinking maybe I was leveling off somewhere good. Not so today ... today it seems like total shit and not worth it at all. Debbie with twins Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 29, 2003 Report Share Posted January 29, 2003 Sounds very familiar... sounds like depression. Is there anyone he can talk with? No matter how clean the house is or whatever it's never enough. Another thing though could be if you're having house problems alot of times the guys feel like it's their fault. Either that they should be able to fix it or that they aren't good enough because they don't make enough money to fix it. Hope you have already talked it out and everything is on an even keel. Hugs to you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 29, 2003 Report Share Posted January 29, 2003 Oh Debbie, this just sucks. I am so sorry. I hope that when things calm down you guys can have a talk about household responsibilities and such. It is so important for everyone to know what needs to be done and who is responsible. Men are frequently just not good at understanding all the work that goes into running a household. I think it helps to write it all out - - what needs to get done and how often - - sometimes men need to see it all laid out. I hope you can find your way back to a good place soon. Hugs, I want to SCREAM!! > Today is becoming just too much to bear. > > This fucking house is leaking at 2 different windows, we've done all we > can do to chip the ice off the roof to keep it from going down into the > eaves. We even pulled the frozen solid gutters off so it run off > instead of hitting the gutters and freezing back up under. I've been > sopping up water & drying towels to sop up water for 3 days now. I've > been going outside and knocking down icicles, climbing ladders and > chipping at ice with a hammer for 3 days now. We need a new roof, and > siding and gutters ... and have no money to do all this ... not to > mention it just can't be done in this wintery weather. > > Rick is all pissy today. It snowed again last night and the combined > snow was a bit too much in our very long driveway and I had trouble > getting out this morning to take Jordan to therapy ... and trouble > getting back into the garage when we came home. I said, " I'll shovel > two tire tracks for the van to get out " and he said no, he'd shovel ... > but complete with slamming of doors, huffing and puffing, and stomping > around with the comment " I don't care which day but Thursday or Friday I > need the day! " . WTF did I do??? > > I ask him " why are you mad at me? " and his reply is " you DON'T want to > talk to me right now " . <blink> " You're mad at me?? Why are you mad at > me? What did I do? " His reply " I SAID you DON'T want to talk to me > right now. It's a cumulation of a lot of stuff and I need to calm down > before I can talk to you. " WTF did I do??? > > I head off to the grocery store with one child in tow. All the while > trying to figure out wtf I've done. The house isn't spotless, but it's > pretty clean. He hasn't run out of laundry. I haven't been cooking > that much lately ... maybe he's annoyed at that? I haven't been letting > him sleep for hours & hours in the morning anymore .... maybe that's it? > I go on and on, churning over it. And I'm getting pissed thinking about > it. > > I have spent three days stemming a Noah-like flood in my kitchen and the > children's family room. I've climbed ladders and chipped at ice. I've > done laundry. I cleaned a whole house for his Superbowl party. I've > taken children to therapy & classes. I've dealt with puking kids. I've > picked up & picked up & picked up & picked up again, the kids playroom. > I've researched autism, diets, treatments, therapies, the information is > endless. I've fed kids, clothed kids, bathed kids, and changed > countless diapers. I've done therapy with kids, taught kids, and > otherwise done things & things for kids. I've had a raging sinus > infection & been on medication during all this. > > The jobs that used to be his are suddenly now mine. He used to fold the > laundry. Now, 9 times out of 10, I do it. I do most of the vacuuming > now (that was his job). I clean everything. I pick up everything. He > still loads the dishwasher, that's about it. Today was the first day > he's shoveled any snow at all. I've been sludging through it for months > ... or I shovel it. He used to get up in the morning and help with the > kids if he didn't go to work until late. Now, if I let him, he'd sleep > until it was time to get up & get ready. And even when I do rouse him > ... he comes out and lays down on the sofa in the family room, pulls a > blanket over his head and goes back to sleep. > > is crying for no good reason other than she's overtired. It's > driving me nuts. She's throwing toys & otherwise grating on my nerves > beyond belief. <sighs> I just screamed at her. <sighs> I just closed > her in her room because I could feel myself winding up to a dangerous > point. > > I was doing so well there for awhile. I was keeping myself together and > my mood was actually improving and I was thinking maybe I was leveling > off somewhere good. Not so today ... today it seems like total shit and > not worth it at all. > > Debbie with twins > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 29, 2003 Report Share Posted January 29, 2003 Debbie My husband is the strongest man I know. He has beaten cancer twice and last June had a massive stroke. He beat that too. Since the stroke he has had sleeping problems and averages about 5 hours tops a night. got diagnoised a year ago in November and he hasn't been the same since. He is getting better now that she's interacting with him. We play tag and hide and go seek (she cheats though) and it's made a big difference. One day he came home collapsed into a chair on our porch and cried. He had gotton lost on the way to work and was really scared that something was wrong with his brain again. I got on the phone and called his doctor and then we made an appointment for a sleep specialist. Once that was done he went to our dr and cried. He said he was really frightened that they would instatutionalize him. He was suisidal. He's on 150 mg of Zoloft and he's doing much better. He still is down alot but I think it's because he switched jobs just before the stroke and now at work he's the " guy who had the stroke. " He wants to be himself again. My advice would be 1) show him this post if you want. 2) Try to teach your son a game that would make your husband feel more connected. Even if you have to practice it every day. Good luck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 29, 2003 Report Share Posted January 29, 2003 Debbie, I think you should keep a copy of this handy. Then if he starts to unload on you that you aren't doing anything, shove it in his face!! He sounds like he's got a bug up his butt about something. The way he's carrying on, I'd be fuming myself by now just from the attitude he's given you! Sue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 29, 2003 Report Share Posted January 29, 2003 Jeff does this to me too. Hmmm........ Jacquie H Re: I want to SCREAM!! > I ask him " why are you mad at me? " and his reply is " you DON'T want to > talk to me right now " . <blink> " You're mad at me?? Why are you mad at > me? What did I do? " His reply " I SAID you DON'T want to talk to me > right now. It's a cumulation of a lot of stuff and I need to calm down > before I can talk to you. " WTF did I do??? Going out on a limb here and offering another perspective...I have done this to Marc when things really did have nothing to do with him. The thing was, when I have done this, that sooo much was stressing me out that I found myself starting to fume about EVERYTHING, and obsessing on every little thing anybody did, and making excuses to be angry -- focusing my anger on things Marc had said or done that didn't warrant that kind of anger. At times like that, I told Marc the same thing Rick told you -- because if I started talking to him right then, I'd end up starting a big fight over absolutely nothing simply because I needed a focus for my bad feelings. I knew that I would dredge up every slight I could think of, real or imagined, and that it would be hurtful -- and I didn't want to hurt him that way, because he didn't deserve it. This might be the case with Rick right now. All things considered, I hope it is. It may not be you AT ALL, but because he's itching for a fight he just can't tell you that straight out. Jacquie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 29, 2003 Report Share Posted January 29, 2003 Thanks to everyone for their replies. After a nice glass of wine, Doritos, Duncan Hines icing eaten straight from the can, and putting 2 cranky kids to bed .... I'm a bit calmer now. No, we haven't talked ... he went off to work like that. I tried to approach him, give him a hug ... he just wanted to be left alone. It does sound like depression as I reread my post. I've already told him to go see the doctor about the fact that it doesn't matter how much he sleeps, he always feels tired. He has sleep apnea & uses a CPAP at night ... he's already had the settings on the cpap checked to make sure it wasn't that. It's been 6 months since Jordan's diagnosis. For the first few months he was in avoidance. I think now he's in depression. The house is not right, Jordan is not right, his mother's health is failing quickly so she's not right, finances are not right ... so nothing is right. He's a stubborn man ... how do you convince a stubborn man that they must go see the doctor for help?? Nagging sure isn't going to help his overwhelmed feeling. <sighs> Debbie with twins & hubby with a bug up his butt Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 29, 2003 Report Share Posted January 29, 2003 (((Debbie-with-twins)))) (((((and the other Debbi(e)s for good measure, y'all probably need hugs too)))) OMG, Debbie. This situation is terrible! Your twins are only 2 aren't they? The stress must be unbelievable right now for both of you, but it sounds like you are doing more than your share. Is he open to any kind of problem-solving? Or does he just want to grump around and then sleep as much as he can to escape it? It really sounds like y'all need help. Respite, family, marital counseling. Something. You have way too much on your shoulders for one person. I'll pray for a thaw at least. That ice/snow/leaking house business has got to stop! I'm so sorry! ~ Karin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 29, 2003 Report Share Posted January 29, 2003 Debbie - after reading your second post I fear I may have said the wrong thing in my first reply. I can't remember what I wrote, but whatever it was, just ignore it and listen to the people who are supporting the idea that your husband may be in depression. It really does sound that way. Glad you had the frosting in the house. ;-) Take care, ~ Karin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 30, 2003 Report Share Posted January 30, 2003 > > He's a stubborn man ... how do you convince a stubborn man that they > must go see the doctor for help?? Nagging sure isn't going to help his > overwhelmed feeling. Well, Mark just happened to have his annual physical coming up, so I went with him. Then I told the Dr. how he was acting! Sue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 30, 2003 Report Share Posted January 30, 2003 I very rarely read books that are all psychobabble (lol) but seriously...I read the Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars book and it describes this scenario perfectly. He's in his cave. Let him be in his cave till he's ready to talk. My husband is a cave-dweller too. > > > I ask him " why are you mad at me? " and his reply is " you DON'T want to > > talk to me right now " . <blink> " You're mad at me?? Why are you mad at > > me? What did I do? " His reply " I SAID you DON'T want to talk to me > > right now. It's a cumulation of a lot of stuff and I need to calm down > > before I can talk to you. " WTF did I do??? > > > Going out on a limb here and offering another perspective...I have done this > to Marc when things really did have nothing to do with him. The thing was, > when I have done this, that sooo much was stressing me out that I found > myself starting to fume about EVERYTHING, and obsessing on every little > thing anybody did, and making excuses to be angry -- focusing my anger on > things Marc had said or done that didn't warrant that kind of anger. > > At times like that, I told Marc the same thing Rick told you -- because if I > started talking to him right then, I'd end up starting a big fight over > absolutely nothing simply because I needed a focus for my bad feelings. I > knew that I would dredge up every slight I could think of, real or imagined, > and that it would be hurtful -- and I didn't want to hurt him that way, > because he didn't deserve it. > > This might be the case with Rick right now. All things considered, I hope > it is. > > It may not be you AT ALL, but because he's itching for a fight he just can't > tell you that straight out. > > Jacquie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 30, 2003 Report Share Posted January 30, 2003 > I ask him " why are you mad at me? " and his reply is " you DON'T want to > talk to me right now " . <blink> " You're mad at me?? Why are you mad at > me? What did I do? " His reply " I SAID you DON'T want to talk to me > right now. It's a cumulation of a lot of stuff and I need to calm down > before I can talk to you. " WTF did I do??? Going out on a limb here and offering another perspective...I have done this to Marc when things really did have nothing to do with him. The thing was, when I have done this, that sooo much was stressing me out that I found myself starting to fume about EVERYTHING, and obsessing on every little thing anybody did, and making excuses to be angry -- focusing my anger on things Marc had said or done that didn't warrant that kind of anger. At times like that, I told Marc the same thing Rick told you -- because if I started talking to him right then, I'd end up starting a big fight over absolutely nothing simply because I needed a focus for my bad feelings. I knew that I would dredge up every slight I could think of, real or imagined, and that it would be hurtful -- and I didn't want to hurt him that way, because he didn't deserve it. This might be the case with Rick right now. All things considered, I hope it is. It may not be you AT ALL, but because he's itching for a fight he just can't tell you that straight out. Jacquie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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