what autism has done to me

[Guest guest]

Alot of us have talked about depression... I wondered if anyone else feels

like I do. I've disappeared. There is nothing left of me nothing left of

us. Sometimes it feels like everything I do is wrong. I'm constantly second

guessing my decisions.

I was always a very social person. I know there was a time when people liked

me. Now I can't see why anyone would. was diagnoised a year ago last

November. I have cried every day since. Lately its gotten so bad that I'm

sick to my stomach. I need some time for me but I can't seem to say to my

husband I need this for me. Since my husband has been switched to second

shift I just haven't been able to get back in the routinue. I've got

horrible heartburn the past couple days I just feel so sad. I hate being by

myself every night.

I want to be happy again. Will that ever happen?

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 1/27/03 9:33:36 PM Eastern Standard Time,

MUOLLO3@... writes:

> i think you need to talk to someone and maybe think about meds.

have you been talking with my therapist? So this isn't normal? I

guess I just can't see how it would help. My therapist says it would " take

the edge off " of the depression but I can't see how it's helped my husband

any.

My husband and I are going to take turns taking her to her private OT. That

will be almost two hours alone. I'm hoping that will help some. I'm going

to make that ME time and hopefully try and " find myself " LOL

Thanks for caring. I'm going to give it one more month. If it doesn't get

better I'll go see our dr. God knows the rx man will give me something.

[Guest guest]

wendy, i hope you take this the way it's intended. i think you need to talk to

someone and maybe think about meds. i know a year isn't all that long of a time

when you weren't expecting such a thing to happen, but the thought of you still

crying EVERY day, concerns me. you are more than just your daughter's mother.

you are a person and you need to take care of yourself.

love gina

" Something important to remember...we'll always be who we are. " - Mr.

[Guest guest]

> have you been talking with my therapist? So this isn't normal? I

guess I just can't see how it would help. My therapist says it would " take the

edge off " of the depression but I can't see how it's helped my husband any. <

ha, no, but i've been talking with my own for 5 1/2 years

seriously, you are not your husband, you are you. you never know how something

might help unless you try it yourself.

> My husband and I are going to take turns taking her to her private OT. That

will be almost two hours alone. I'm hoping that will help some. I'm going to

make that ME time and hopefully try and " find myself " LOL <

that's an excelent idea. i hope it works

> Thanks for caring. I'm going to give it one more month. If it doesn't get

better I'll go see our dr. God knows the rx man will give me something.

<

good plan. keep us updated

" Something important to remember...we'll always be who we are. " - Mr.

[Guest guest]

It really is amazing what the right med will do for you. It's like a

diabetic that needs insulin, or any other " medical " illness. It changes the

chemistry in your brain. Believe me, I'd be a basket case without my

Effexor and Xanax. I tried oh so hard to get off the Xanax, and was up half

the night last night. :-(

ellen

Re: what autism has done to me

In a message dated 1/27/03 9:33:36 PM Eastern Standard Time,

MUOLLO3@... writes:

> i think you need to talk to someone and maybe think about meds.

have you been talking with my therapist? So this isn't normal? I

guess I just can't see how it would help. My therapist says it would

" take

the edge off " of the depression but I can't see how it's helped my husband

any.

My husband and I are going to take turns taking her to her private OT.

That

will be almost two hours alone. I'm hoping that will help some. I'm

going

to make that ME time and hopefully try and " find myself " LOL

Thanks for caring. I'm going to give it one more month. If it doesn't

get

better I'll go see our dr. God knows the rx man will give me something.

[Guest guest]

p.s. there's no shame in needing something to help " take the edge off " . i'm sure

it's a lot more common than you think

" Something important to remember...we'll always be who we are. " - Mr.

[Guest guest]

I hope you will have quite a few happy moments in the future. It is hard

I feel like that myself sometimes.

{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}

Cecilia, from Peru (mom to Dessiree 3½ yo, no dx yet some autistic

traits)

Lovely husband

-----Mensaje original-----

De: myfishruleWJG@...

Enviado el: Lunes, 27 de Enero de 2003 09:18 p.m.

Para: parenting_autism

Asunto: what autism has done to me

Alot of us have talked about depression... I wondered if anyone else

feels

like I do. I've disappeared. There is nothing left of me nothing left

of

us. Sometimes it feels like everything I do is wrong. I'm constantly

second

guessing my decisions.

I was always a very social person. I know there was a time when people

liked

me. Now I can't see why anyone would. was diagnoised a year ago

last

November. I have cried every day since. Lately its gotten so bad that

I'm

sick to my stomach. I need some time for me but I can't seem to say to

my

husband I need this for me. Since my husband has been switched to

second

shift I just haven't been able to get back in the routinue. I've got

horrible heartburn the past couple days I just feel so sad. I hate

being by

myself every night.

I want to be happy again. Will that ever happen?

[Guest guest]

((((())))) You need a break, girl! You have been going at it

for a year and from the sounds of it, everything has been for .

Not that she doesn't deserve your help, but you can't lose yourself

in all this, too. and your hubby need you and you need to be

fresh and whole for yourself. Don't wait too long, go see your dr.

I know your reluctance to try meds, but they could help. I,

personally, am addicted to asperatame in diet cokes, nicotine and

Tylenol PM, but I have taken anti=depressants and they helped. Try

to take care of YOU! Leggs

[Guest guest]

>>I want to be happy again. Will that ever happen? <<

{{{{{{ }}}}}}}

I understand depression, I lived with it for many years. It is debilitating. The

right medication can work. If you don't feel the medication is working for you,

then tell the doctor, it's not working. Some medications work for some people

and not for others. If you are depressed for longer than a few months (even

after a death you find some joy in life) then it's not a normal situation. Your

writing to the list is a cry for help -- act upon it. Please don't be offended,

I'm one of the bluntest people I know, I don't know how to be otherwise. Your

life is not over, it's just taken a different direction than you expected it to.

I have obviously just started this journey, but I am taking this as a positive

thing, I've been sad and cried for months on end, it SUCKS big time. I still

have my moments but I can't live there anymore, I couldn't, I had to get help. I

told my doctor that this medication and that medication doesn't work. If it does

nothing, what's the point in my taking it. Find me something that works, dammit.

And he did. Please, get some help, you will feel better about you.

With the greatest respect,

debbi

[Guest guest]

What said. Get thee to a doctor and tell him or her what's going on.

So many of us here are on meds it's not even funny. You can be happy again

but if it's been a year and you're still feeling this way (and getting worse

it sounds like) you need some help to get there.

Love,

-Sara.

[Guest guest]

> guess I just can't see how it would help. My therapist says it

> would " take

> the edge off " of the depression but I can't see how it's helped

> my husband

> any.

If it still isn't helping him he needs another med or a higher dose of what

he's on. Seriously. That should have been done 2 weeks after he first went

on it.

Remember what I told you about depression being a physical illness just like

diabetes?

Taking time for yourself is a wonderful idea and I'm sure it will help you,

but it honestly sounds to me like you need more than that. But hey, it's

always worth trying the simple solutions first!

{{{}}}

-Sara.

[Guest guest]

> Alot of us have talked about depression... I wondered if anyone

> else feels like I do. I've disappeared. There is nothing left of

> me nothing left of us. >

,

I remember hitting this point...looking in the mirror and realizing

that I didn't even feel like me anymore. This thing is so

overwhelming...it takes so much out of us. You HAVE to find a little

piece of something that is yours...is there a hobby you enjoyed

before? Do you like to read? Even if you can only snatch 15 minutes

a day for YOU...DO IT. It really will help. Do you have any respite

care...or time when is in school...when you can take care of

? You can't help if you lose yourself.

> Sometimes it feels like everything I do is wrong. I'm constantly

> second guessing my decisions. >

Well, quit it! ;-) From everything I read, you're doing a great

job. Write it on a card and tape it to your mirror... " I'm a terrific

mom, and I'm doing my best for her " . Read it out loud to yourself.

Often.

> I was always a very social person. I know there was a time when

> people liked me. Now I can't see why anyone would. was

> diagnoised a year ago last November. I have cried every day

> since. Lately its gotten so bad that I'm sick to my stomach. I

> need some time for me but I can't seem to say to my

> husband I need this for me. Since my husband has been switched to

> second shift I just haven't been able to get back in the routinue.

> I've got horrible heartburn the past couple days I just feel so

> sad. I hate being by myself every night. >

This worries me...is there someone you can talk to...have you asked

your doc about the stomach problems? I honest believe that our

bodies will eventually bow to the stress...in my case, it was cold

sores...all over my mouth, nose, and cheeks--twice a month. Now I

take a med to keep that down...and am serious about not letting the

stress destroy my body. Take care of yourself. Are you getting

enough rest since the schedule change? Do you get any exercise? Can

you spend extra time with your husband on his off days so you have

something to look forward to? Would evenings be a time you could

pursue something you enjoy?

One thing that parents of these kids don't think about is that they,

too, are in constant overload...and the same techniques you learn to

deal with your child's stress can be helpful to you...sit on that

therapy ball, bounce on the tramp, find a fidget that works for you...

> I want to be happy again. Will that ever happen? >

Yes, it will...but it takes time. It comes from recognizing that

even though your life will never be the same with autism in the big

fat middle of it, it can still be good. For me, there are these

little moments of clarity when I realize that I really love parts of

this life...and that most people don't have a clue what my life is

really about.

Take care of yourself...

Raena

[Guest guest]

Dear :

Oh I feel for you. Dh on the second shift is tough. The last time I felt

the way you do now, my dh was traveling extensively out of the country - -

so I know how hard it can be to feel alone when you're going through so

much. Like everyone else has said, I would strongly and compassionately

urge you to take a deep breath and summon the courage to see a dr. I

thought I was comfortable with the whole thing, but when it came to actually

seeing a doctor about my depression, I felt terribly awkward. I guess

everyone does the first time. I always content to struggle along with my

depressive self when I was younger, but now that I'm older and have kids I

know that I need to take care of my physical and mental well being to keep

up with my life.

That said, yes I know how you feel. It is easy to feel that marriage and

motherhood, and ASD challenges have overwhelmed your life. As I'm sure many

on this list can testify, the ASD challenges tend to weigh the heaviest on

the moms. It is an all-pervasive 24/7/365 marathon. Coping with these

struggles while maintaining a household and a marriage ... well, I think you

would be crazy not to feel somewhat invisible, because with all that going

on, personal needs are more often than not placed last. But I like to think

that this is what this list is for. When I feel that my life has pushed me

to the utter brink of what I can take, this list listens and gives me

strength.

I hope we can help to support you through this time while you sort things

out. You can always talk about it here.

(n 30 mo)

what autism has done to me

> Alot of us have talked about depression... I wondered if anyone else feels

> like I do. I've disappeared. There is nothing left of me nothing left of

> us. Sometimes it feels like everything I do is wrong. I'm constantly

second

> guessing my decisions.

>

> I was always a very social person. I know there was a time when people

liked

> me. Now I can't see why anyone would. was diagnoised a year ago

last

> November. I have cried every day since. Lately its gotten so bad that

I'm

> sick to my stomach. I need some time for me but I can't seem to say to my

> husband I need this for me. Since my husband has been switched to second

> shift I just haven't been able to get back in the routinue. I've got

> horrible heartburn the past couple days I just feel so sad. I hate being

by

> myself every night.

>

> I want to be happy again. Will that ever happen?

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

--- ... I wondered if anyone else feels

> like I do. I've disappeared. There is nothing left of me nothing

left of

> us. Sometimes it feels like everything I do is wrong. I'm

constantly second

> guessing my decisions.

>

, I definitely have and still at times do feel this way.... Alot

of times I feel like I just wish I could gain some control over my

life again...you know, so I dont have to continually be in survival

mode dealing with life being thrust at me. All of us have so much to

deal with..it is so hard. We put our lives into these children...we

try so hard to do what's best and either are kids or the system are

continually throwing us curveballs. Just when I think i've got some

sort of grasp on things...i'm thrown for a loop. We are constantly

bombarded by advice, new therapies, irritating mother in laws(had to

add this one) etc. etc....there is no way we couldn't second guess

ourselves...and the thing is, second guessing ourselves can be

actually a good thing because it means we are open to trying new

things, figuring out ways to help our children...it is just an

extremely draining thing to do. The constant worrying. I too have

felt like I've lost myself. What used to make me happy and content I

have no time for. My life has become Autism. Some how...I've got to

give myself the okay to take a break. to do something that I want to

do. to do something only for me...like take an art class or

something...I really want a little piece of myself back at this point

in time. It is so hard for me to allow myself to do this

tho..anyways...you are definitely not alone in feeling the way you

do. Daeley

[Guest guest]

,

You need to take care of yourself. It sounds like a talk with your Dr. is

in order. Sorry you're feeling so bad.

Sue

[Guest guest]

So this isn't normal?

For a lot of us living with autism, it's kind of normal.

> guess I just can't see how it would help.

Oh believe me, it will help! In just days I could sleep again, had patience

to deal with the kids, could eat and feel full, and was able to talk to

school personnel with out feeling like I was going to cry immediately!

My therapist says it would " take

> the edge off " of the depression but I can't see how it's helped my husband

> any.

If he also doesn't think it's helped him any, then he needs to say so.

Either the dose is too low or it's the wrong med for him.

> My husband and I are going to take turns taking her to her private OT.

That

> will be almost two hours alone. I'm hoping that will help some.

Take something to read that you've never got time for while you're waiting

for her

I hope it helps having a bit of free time.

Sue

[Guest guest]

,

I can SO relate to you. I was in that place only a couple months ago.

I was so depressed and upset about the autism. I was dealing with the

twins, Jordan & his autism needs, & her behaviors to get

attention. I had hobbies I did for relaxation before ... but I lost

even the ability to do those. I'd pick up a book & couldn't

concentrate. I'd pick up a brush & literally, the idea of where on the

paper to first put the brush was overwhelming. I'd try to roleplay with

a friend, and couldn't concentrate enough to write anything. I'd pick

up my crocheting and put it right back down. I spent hours every night

playing solitaire games on Yahoo!

I fell into this black pit of despair. I was wound tight all the time

and the least little thing could set me off. I'm not a violent person,

but during this time, I threw a bowl of cereal across the kitchen (the

shatter effect was lovely, lol) & kicked in a door. Obviously I was

having impulse control problems. I'm appalled at my actions in

hindsight.

I called the doctor. When they couldn't get me in for like 2 weeks, I

asked to speak to the nurse. I explained what was going on and she made

me an appointment the very next day ... in fact, she was upset she

couldn't get me in THAT day.

I got meds, they helped take the " edge " off. But it's taken a few

months to for my " equilibrium " level to raise up. I still have bad days

but they're manageable. And I'm finally able to enjoy my hobbies again.

Jacquie is right. You cannot take care of your family if you can't

function. You MUST take care of yourself first. Recharging your

emotional & physical batteries is a priority.

Debbie

P.S. - Screw the housework, unless you're one of those people who

actually recharge doing it. It will wait, you cannot. The only real

things you need to do are feed you & your family and do just enough

laundry you all have clothes to wear (and have your hubby help with

those for now).

<<<<hugs>>>> Please tell us how you're doing!

[Guest guest]

I just wanted to say I love you all. I just don't know what I would do

without you. I am going to force myself to get involved in my hobbies like

scrapbooking and reading again. I've got to stop reading all these autism

autism autism books.

Last night my husband and I caught Robin on Bravo and just laughed

and laughed. I like the renting funny movies ideas too. I'm going to try

and do that every weekend also.

I'm going to give this one more month and if I'm not better I promise I will

talk to my dr about meds.

Thanks Hugs wendy

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 1/28/03 9:44:10 PM Eastern Standard Time, mother@...

writes:

> High-functioning depression.

That made me smile

[Guest guest]

>> Last night my husband and I caught Robin on Bravo and just

laughed

> and laughed. I like the renting funny movies ideas too. I'm going

to try

> and do that every weekend also.

>

Great idea . This is one of my coping techniques. I actually

have an " anti-depression " list of things to remind myself to do when I

start feeling depressed. One of them is to watch something on TV to

make me laugh. Another is to rent a sad movie so that I can cry my

eyes out. Sometimes I need to cry, because I quit crying years ago

after the clincial depression when I cried every day. Then I got to a

point where I just couldn't cry anymore. I just put up a wall around

my heart. Now I can cry appropriately once in a while, but sometimes

I just know I need to cry and haven't done so for a while, so I'll

just cry over someone else's sad story.

After learning so much about depression on this list (when I thought i

knew about it already - Clinical depression, Post-partum depression

and Manic-Depression - what else could there be?) anyway, after

learning more about it, I'm ready to accept that I have a form of

depression still. I don't know the exact medical term for it yet, but

I've diagnosed myself as HFD. High-functioning depression.

Anyway, take care - my hugs to you as well. (((()))

~ Karin

[Guest guest]

Karin, did u think of me, lol kidding! Kris

> >> Last night my husband and I caught Robin on Bravo and

just

> laughed

> > and laughed.

[Guest guest]

> have you been talking with my therapist? So this isn't normal? I

> guess I just can't see how it would help. My therapist says it would

" take

> the edge off " of the depression but I can't see how it's helped my husband

> any.

yOU AND Your husband are entirely different biological beings, . How

HE reacts to meds tells nothing about how you would react.

They may not have helped your husband, but they've saved my life.

Don't shut that door.

Jacquie

[Guest guest]

> I remember hitting this point...looking in the mirror and realizing

> that I didn't even feel like me anymore. This thing is so

> overwhelming...it takes so much out of us. You HAVE to find a little

> piece of something that is yours...is there a hobby you enjoyed

> before? Do you like to read? Even if you can only snatch 15 minutes

> a day for YOU...DO IT.

Raena is bang-on on this one.

I was severely depressed when was 2 -- not even up to the autism point

yet, just PPD that had morphed into something permanent. (the BP finally

kicking in in all its glory) Everyone gave me that same advice, but I

couldn't REMEMBER anything I liked to do! It was AWFUL. I was that

out-of-touch with myself.

Then I saw an ad for a tole painting class. It was something I'd always

thought about doing, but never done. I signed up just so I could get a

couple hours away once a week.

I LOVED it. And you know what, it immediately became something that was ALL

ABOUT ME. It was MINE. It was something I could be proud of just because

*I* did it. Over the next 4 1/2 years, it has become my most treasured

'getaway', and it's right in my own house. When I'm frustrated, or sad, I

just sit down and pick up a brush and do some work on the project that's

always waiting right there for me. It's such a part of our home that

KNOWS it's mommy's and not his, and he doesn't mess with it in any way.

Something like this is necessary for everyone, for every parent, but most

especially us. We need something we can do that is ONLY for ourselves.

Jacquie

[Guest guest]

> have no time for. My life has become Autism. Some how...I've got to

> give myself the okay to take a break. to do something that I want to

> do. to do something only for me...like take an art class or

> something...I really want a little piece of myself back at this point

> in time. It is so hard for me to allow myself to do this

> tho..anyways...you are definitely not alone in feeling the way you

> do. Daeley

Does this make it easier? -- to feel like a good mom you MUST feel like a

whole person.

You're like a pitcher. You're pouring out to the cups of your children --

but you need to fill yourself up again before you can give more!

Jacquie

-who believes strongly in moms putting their own mental health first. On

airplanes during the safety talk, notice that they tell you to put your

oxygen on first, BEFORE tending to your children? So that you are capable

of doing for them instead of getting dizzy and collapsing before they're

taken care of? This is good advice to generalize into life.

[Guest guest]

> I want to be happy again. Will that ever happen?

>

>

Yes. But it won't just happen. You'll need to work at it. Look into meds.

Don't talk yourself out of things that might help. Use your three hours

alone a week to do something for yourself -- don't use that time to clean

the house, or bake gfcf snacks, or update your therapy progress notebook.

Nap, read a book, take a bath, call someone who loves you. Watch a rented

video that your husband's not interested in. Paint your toenails. Go out

somewhere alone. Write in your journal. Go to a fancy store and look at

your dream fish. Make yourself a sit-down lunch and eat it at the table

with utensils. Do anything that is completely unrelated to motherhood.

You'll be amazed.

Jacquie