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> he just called my cell phone and left a message to let him know when that

appt was, cause he really wanted to go with me, but if i didn't want him to

go, that was ok. so what do i do? i really don't want him to go. i really

don't feel comfortable spending that much time with him yet and i go to the

dr for me, not so he can be there and be all stupid like he does. on the

other hand, he IS the father. so is it too selfish of me to not want him to

go?

>

Oh, poor , I don't blame you at all for not wanting him to go with you.

I would just hate it, but on the other hand, he is the baby's father...I

just hate things like this, and I am not sure I know what is the right thing

to do. But I think, I do think, that you should not have him go with you.

When the baby is born, he obviously will have some rights to see her and all

but right now this is happening inside you and I think you should be able to

go alone.

Life is so darned complicated....

Salli

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> thank you. i've never been in the position to have the man want to go with

me except for early on. now what about the birth? i'd rather not have him

there either. is THAT too selfish?

>

NO, NO, NO, it is not too selfish, not even a tiny bit. When you are giving

birth you should be SAFE! He cannot be there; you will not be comfortable

at all and birth is too hard for that.

Salli

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  • 2 weeks later...
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a couple of days ago, i ran into mike. he was leaving his mom's as i was coming

home from grocery shopping. i tried to pretend i didn't see him sitting in his

car, but he honked, so i had no choice but to say hi. then he started talking to

me. he said he missed me and i looked good and blah blah blah. i talked to him,

but i didn't i didn't return any of his sentiments, i just said thanks. so he

was talking to me some more, telling me about his new job as a cabdriver and how

he had midterms coming up and whatever. then he got out of the car to give

everybody hugs (the kids were there). before he gave me a hug, he put his hand

on my belly and said it was firm, hmm, i hadn't thought so, but oh well. then he

asked me when i was last at the doc. i told him i go next week. then he said if

i ever wanted him to go with me, to just let him know. he didn't ask about the

baby's sex and i didn't offer it up. all in all it was a fine encounter, but i'm

still not looking forward to it happening more and more as the weather gets

nicer.

anyway, here's my dilemma...

he just called my cell phone and left a message to let him know when that appt

was, cause he really wanted to go with me, but if i didn't want him to go, that

was ok. so what do i do? i really don't want him to go. i really don't feel

comfortable spending that much time with him yet and i go to the dr for me, not

so he can be there and be all stupid like he does. on the other hand, he IS the

father. so is it too selfish of me to not want him to go?

-------------------------

gina, 31, ny

single mom to -

kailey, 8, autism, hyperlexia, depression, anxiety, OCD, DSI

trevor, 3, multiple developmental delays, no " official " dx yet

parker jade, due 7-20-03 :-D

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:

I don't know what your story is, but if is uncomfortable for you I would

tell him I don't want him to go. When the baby is borned he can go and

meet her or him.

Cecilia from PerĂº, mom to DessirĂ©e (05/07/99)

Lovely husband

-----Mensaje original-----

De: gina muollo

Enviado el: Domingo, 09 de Marzo de 2003 08:05 p.m.

Para: parenting_autism

Asunto: a bit of a dilemma

a couple of days ago, i ran into mike. he was leaving his mom's as i was

coming home from grocery shopping. i tried to pretend i didn't see him

sitting in his car, but he honked, so i had no choice but to say hi.

then he started talking to me. he said he missed me and i looked good

and blah blah blah. i talked to him, but i didn't i didn't return any of

his sentiments, i just said thanks. so he was talking to me some more,

telling me about his new job as a cabdriver and how he had midterms

coming up and whatever. then he got out of the car to give everybody

hugs (the kids were there). before he gave me a hug, he put his hand on

my belly and said it was firm, hmm, i hadn't thought so, but oh well.

then he asked me when i was last at the doc. i told him i go next week.

then he said if i ever wanted him to go with me, to just let him know.

he didn't ask about the baby's sex and i didn't offer it up. all in all

it was a fine encounter, but i'm still not looking forward to it

happening more and more as the weather gets nicer.

anyway, here's my dilemma...

he just called my cell phone and left a message to let him know when

that appt was, cause he really wanted to go with me, but if i didn't

want him to go, that was ok. so what do i do? i really don't want him to

go. i really don't feel comfortable spending that much time with him yet

and i go to the dr for me, not so he can be there and be all stupid like

he does. on the other hand, he IS the father. so is it too selfish of me

to not want him to go?

-------------------------

gina, 31, ny

single mom to -

kailey, 8, autism, hyperlexia, depression, anxiety, OCD, DSI

trevor, 3, multiple developmental delays, no " official " dx yet

parker jade, due 7-20-03 :-D

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> I mean, I'd have every right to tell Marc I wanted to go

alone to a dr's appt -- and so do you. <

thank you. i've never been in the position to have the man want to go with me

except for early on. now what about the birth? i'd rather not have him there

either. is THAT too selfish?

-------------------------

gina, 31, ny

single mom to -

kailey, 8, autism, hyperlexia, depression, anxiety, OCD, DSI

trevor, 3, multiple developmental delays, no " official " dx yet

parker jade, due 7-20-03 :-D

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i don't think it's selfish at all. you said it yourself - " i really don't want

him to go. i really don't feel comfortable " . a doctors appt is a very personal

thing especially a prenatal appt. i don't think you should feel obligated to

let him in on these appts.

M.G.mum to

Sebastian, 11 kinda quirky(NT)

Rowan, 6 extra quirky (ASD)

married to and living in Northern Ontario

a bit of a dilemma

a couple of days ago, i ran into mike. he was leaving his mom's as i was

coming home from grocery shopping. i tried to pretend i didn't see him sitting

in his car, but he honked, so i had no choice but to say hi. then he started

talking to me. he said he missed me and i looked good and blah blah blah. i

talked to him, but i didn't i didn't return any of his sentiments, i just said

thanks. so he was talking to me some more, telling me about his new job as a

cabdriver and how he had midterms coming up and whatever. then he got out of the

car to give everybody hugs (the kids were there). before he gave me a hug, he

put his hand on my belly and said it was firm, hmm, i hadn't thought so, but oh

well. then he asked me when i was last at the doc. i told him i go next week.

then he said if i ever wanted him to go with me, to just let him know. he didn't

ask about the baby's sex and i didn't offer it up. all in all it was a fine

encounter, but i'm still not looking forward to it happening more and more as

the weather gets nicer.

anyway, here's my dilemma...

he just called my cell phone and left a message to let him know when that appt

was, cause he really wanted to go with me, but if i didn't want him to go, that

was ok. so what do i do? spending that much time with him yet and i go to the dr

for me, not so he can be there and be all stupid like he does. on the other

hand, he IS the father. so is it too selfish of me to not want him to go?

-------------------------

gina, 31, ny

single mom to -

kailey, 8, autism, hyperlexia, depression, anxiety, OCD, DSI

trevor, 3, multiple developmental delays, no " official " dx yet

parker jade, due 7-20-03 :-D

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> so is it too selfish of me to not want him to go?

Nope.

If they gave you sono pix or a video I think you should offer him copies.

Beyond that I don't think I would want him involved at all.

DEFINITELY not to an OB appt!

I wouldn't have wanted him hugging me or touching me either.

After the things he did and said to you I would not want him involved in my

life at all. Monthly child support check? Thanks, that'll be all.

Are you gonna have to deal with visitation with this guy?

YUCK.

-Sara.

Wife to Matt

SAHM to (3.5, autism)

Gabe (21 mos, speech delay)

and 'Punkin' due late May!

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> and did you know that i actually CAN keep him from being there at

> all?

I was just going to say that I thought you could.

Unless a LOT changes between now and then there is no way in hell I'd want

him in the hospital.

-Sara.

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> me except for early on. now what about the birth? i'd rather not have him

> there either. is THAT too selfish?

> >

> NO, NO, NO, it is not too selfish, not even a tiny bit. When you

> are giving

> birth you should be SAFE! He cannot be there; you will not be comfortable

> at all and birth is too hard for that.

Yes, yes, yes, exactly what Salli said.

-Sara.

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, go with what YOU feel. Going to the ob/gyn is a pretty graphic

experience, one I wouldn't want to share with anyone but my

significant other. If you don't feel it's appropriate, then just

tell him so. You can relay all he'd need to know on his answering

machine. Might make an exception to any sonograms you might have in

the future, if you feel comfortable with that.

Hugs to you

> a couple of days ago, i ran into mike. he was leaving his mom's as

i was coming home from grocery shopping. i tried to pretend i didn't

see him sitting in his car, but he honked, so i had no choice but to

say hi. then he started talking to me. he said he missed me and i

looked good and blah blah blah. i talked to him, but i didn't i

didn't return any of his sentiments, i just said thanks. so he was

talking to me some more, telling me about his new job as a cabdriver

and how he had midterms coming up and whatever. then he got out of

the car to give everybody hugs (the kids were there). before he gave

me a hug, he put his hand on my belly and said it was firm, hmm, i

hadn't thought so, but oh well. then he asked me when i was last at

the doc. i told him i go next week. then he said if i ever wanted him

to go with me, to just let him know. he didn't ask about the baby's

sex and i didn't offer it up. all in all it was a fine encounter, but

i'm still not looking forward to it happening more and more as the

weather gets nicer.

> anyway, here's my dilemma...

> he just called my cell phone and left a message to let him know

when that appt was, cause he really wanted to go with me, but if i

didn't want him to go, that was ok. so what do i do? i really don't

want him to go. i really don't feel comfortable spending that much

time with him yet and i go to the dr for me, not so he can be there

and be all stupid like he does. on the other hand, he IS the father.

so is it too selfish of me to not want him to go?

>

>

> -------------------------

> gina, 31, ny

> single mom to -

> kailey, 8, autism, hyperlexia, depression, anxiety, OCD, DSI

> trevor, 3, multiple developmental delays, no " official " dx yet

> parker jade, due 7-20-03 :-D

>

>

>

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> If they gave you sono pix or a video I think you should offer him copies. <

only if he asks. not that you can really see much on them anyway.

> After the things he did and said to you I would not want him involved in my

life at all. <

yes, that's how i feel as well. i try to be nice, cause that's the kind of

person i am, but i'm not about to give him anything he doesn't deserve.

> Are you gonna have to deal with visitation with this guy? <

i WILL allow him to come and visit the baby for short periods in my home, if he

wants to. i'm not THAT heartless. but that's it. if he wants more, he'll need to

get a court order.

-------------------------

gina, 31, ny

single mom to -

kailey, 8, autism, hyperlexia, depression, anxiety, OCD, DSI

trevor, 3, multiple developmental delays, no " official " dx yet

parker jade, due 7-20-03 :-D

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> NO, NO, NO, it is not too selfish, not even a tiny bit. When you are giving

birth you should be SAFE! He cannot be there; you will not be comfortable at

all and birth is too hard for that.

Salli <

thank you! i love you guys SO much! i was starting to feel like a bitch, but now

i don't :)

-------------------------

gina, 31, ny

single mom to -

kailey, 8, autism, hyperlexia, depression, anxiety, OCD, DSI

trevor, 3, multiple developmental delays, no " official " dx yet

parker jade, due 7-20-03 :-D

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> Selfish? A bit, BUT... it depends on why you don't want him around. If he's

trying to worm back into your life and you don't feel his sentiments are honest

and his caring is a facade, then why bother. If you feel he cares for this baby,

then he should be allowed to go--to a degree that you feel comfortable with.

debbi <

well, considering he hasn't done a damn thing for me since we broke (and some

might say even before that), i'm inclined to think he doesn't care as much as he

claims to. he always was words and no action. as a matter of fact, he didn't

even offer to help with the groceries. he just watched me from his car and

commented when i was out of breath. nice, huh?

-------------------------

gina, 31, ny

single mom to -

kailey, 8, autism, hyperlexia, depression, anxiety, OCD, DSI

trevor, 3, multiple developmental delays, no " official " dx yet

parker jade, due 7-20-03 :-D

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...thank you! i love you guys SO much! i was starting to feel like a bitch, but

now i don't :)

gina,

***********************************

well, I obviously don't know the situation..but I tend to agree with most of

what has been said...birth is stressful enough without added stress in the

room..as to ob visits I MIGHT would consider a sonogram, but only if it is a

regular one(not one where they might have to go internal, ya know)..or maybe one

where you know it is just going to be a regular check, hey, you might could

explain a tiny bit to your ob and she might be will to have an " appointment "

where you just get to hear the baby's heartbeat or something..you know, kind of

give him the ILLUSION of being a part of everything, but not...as to the birth

maybe you can have him in a waiting room and once everything has settled back

down, etc..then he is allowed in for a peek, or if you would rather him not be

in your room approve a ONE TIME ONLY visit for him in the nursery to get to see

and hold the baby..didn't mean to run on this long *G*, can you tell I have had

to deal with a similar situation before and thought up lots of ways to handle

it... I have even more if you want them, lol

Missy

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> birth is stressful enough without added stress in the room <

you want to know something ridiculous? when we were still together, he told me

he wanted HIS mother to be there when i had the baby! he thought it was only

fair since i got to have MY mom there! that's how he thinks. he has no clue :(

> hey, you might could explain a tiny bit to your ob and she might be will to

have an " appointment " where you just get to hear the baby's heartbeat or

something <

honestly, that's pretty much all the appts consist of right now anyway. but

listen to this...when i was VERY early, my OB had me taking many blood tests and

sonos to track how far along i was. he once went to a blood test with me and

fell asleep while we were waiting! he once went to a sono with me and it was

still only about 5 weeks, so the baby was still too small to even detect. he

pretty much flipped out, IN the sono room, about the dr " dicking me around " ! he

was starting to think i wasn't really pregnant and it was all some conspiracy to

make me think i was :-O

> if you would rather him not be in your room approve a ONE TIME ONLY visit for

him in the nursery to get to see and hold the baby <

i actually don't trust him. when we used to talk on the phone, he'd have a

COMPLETE fit if trevor was crying. he wanted me to get as far away from trevor

as i could so he didn't have to hear him. he thought it was rude that i

wouldn't. i can't even imagine him with a newborn!

so, does that make any more sense now about why i don't want him involved? ;)

-------------------------

gina, 31, ny

single mom to -

kailey, 8, autism, hyperlexia, depression, anxiety, OCD, DSI

trevor, 3, multiple developmental delays, no " official " dx yet

parker jade, due 7-20-03 :-D

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> well, considering he hasn't done a damn thing for me since we

> broke (and some might say even before that), i'm inclined to

> think he doesn't care as much as he claims to. he always was

> words and no action. as a matter of fact, he didn't even

> offer to help with the groceries. he just watched me from his

> car and commented when i was out of breath. nice, huh?

Ha! Then I'd tell him thanks, but no thanks.

debbi

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When I read your original post , I was thinking, that yes, it was a

little bit mean not wanting him involved, but after reading this.... to hell

with him. I agree if he can't handle trevor crying, then he is going to go

nuts with a newborn.

Good Luck,

Leigh

> > birth is stressful enough without added stress in the room <

>

> you want to know something ridiculous? when we were still together, he told

> me he wanted HIS mother to be there when i had the baby! he thought it was

> only fair since i got to have MY mom there! that's how he thinks. he has no

> clue :(

>

>

> > hey, you might could explain a tiny bit to your ob and she might be will

> to have an " appointment " where you just get to hear the baby's heartbeat or

> something <

>

> honestly, that's pretty much all the appts consist of right now anyway. but

> listen to this...when i was VERY early, my OB had me taking many blood

> tests and sonos to track how far along i was. he once went to a blood test

> with me and fell asleep while we were waiting! he once went to a sono with

> me and it was still only about 5 weeks, so the baby was still too small to

> even detect. he pretty much flipped out, IN the sono room, about the dr

> " dicking me around " ! he was starting to think i wasn't really pregnant and

> it was all some conspiracy to make me think i was :-O

>

> > if you would rather him not be in your room approve a ONE TIME ONLY visit

> for him in the nursery to get to see and hold the baby <

>

> i actually don't trust him. when we used to talk on the phone, he'd have a

> COMPLETE fit if trevor was crying. he wanted me to get as far away from

> trevor as i could so he didn't have to hear him. he thought it was rude

> that i wouldn't. i can't even imagine him with a newborn!

>

>

> so, does that make any more sense now about why i don't want him involved?

> ;)

>

>

> -------------------------

> gina, 31, ny

> single mom to -

> kailey, 8, autism, hyperlexia, depression, anxiety, OCD, DSI

> trevor, 3, multiple developmental delays, no " official " dx yet

> parker jade, due 7-20-03 :-D

>

>

>

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Bitch??

, after the harassment that he has given you and all, I am surprised

that you didn't get a restraining order. That would have solved all these

problems now. LOL!

Georga Hackworth

Men. Can't live with 'em...can't trade 'em in for their weight in

chocolate.

Enter to win $50 worth of free books http://www.ubah.com/F1549

Re: a bit of a dilemma

> > NO, NO, NO, it is not too selfish, not even a tiny bit. When you are

giving birth you should be SAFE! He cannot be there; you will not be

comfortable at all and birth is too hard for that.

>

> Salli <

>

>

> thank you! i love you guys SO much! i was starting to feel like a bitch,

but now i don't :)

>

>

>

>

> -------------------------

> gina, 31, ny

> single mom to -

> kailey, 8, autism, hyperlexia, depression, anxiety, OCD, DSI

> trevor, 3, multiple developmental delays, no " official " dx yet

> parker jade, due 7-20-03 :-D

>

>

>

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, you know how I feel about this idiot, but giving him the benifit of

the doubt for just a brief moment (then I will come back to my senses and

tell you to trade him in for his weight in chocloate), it is possible that

he didn't know how you would react to him offering to help with the

groceries and so he didn't. Maybe he is just totaly incapable to outwardly

show any sort of caring, etc. because he was never taught that these are

things you do for people you care about (hell, last night untangled my

jewelery box for me because I don't have the pateince for such stuff). Then

again, maybe he is just an asshole. Maybe it is a combination of both. Who

the hell knows. No one knows what is going on in that mans head but him. I

am convinced though it is mostly air blowing through, but that is beside the

point.

Here is something just to file under idea. I have no idea if it is a good

one or a bad one, just an ideal. You could always tell him that, it would

be to both your benifit and the baby's benifit, for the two of you to go to

councling together where you can be friends for the sake of the child where

you don't want to vomit on his feet every time you see him, since he

obviously needs to learn some people skills and get some anger management.

Ok, you can tell me to shut up now.

Georga

>

>

> well, considering he hasn't done a damn thing for me since we broke (and

some might say even before that), i'm inclined to think he doesn't care as

much as he claims to. he always was words and no action. as a matter of

fact, he didn't even offer to help with the groceries. he just watched me

from his car and commented when i was out of breath. nice, huh?

>

>

>

>

> -------------------------

> gina, 31, ny

> single mom to -

> kailey, 8, autism, hyperlexia, depression, anxiety, OCD, DSI

> trevor, 3, multiple developmental delays, no " official " dx yet

> parker jade, due 7-20-03 :-D

>

>

>

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Missy, I don't even want to think about what you have been through with men.

You and should get together and exchange horror stories.

Georga Hackworth

Men. Can't live with 'em...can't trade 'em in for their weight in

chocolate.

Enter to win $50 worth of free books http://www.ubah.com/F1549

Re: a bit of a dilemma

> ..thank you! i love you guys SO much! i was starting to feel like a bitch,

but now i don't :)

> gina,

> ***********************************

> well, I obviously don't know the situation..but I tend to agree with most

of what has been said...birth is stressful enough without added stress in

the room..as to ob visits I MIGHT would consider a sonogram, but only if it

is a regular one(not one where they might have to go internal, ya know)..or

maybe one where you know it is just going to be a regular check, hey, you

might could explain a tiny bit to your ob and she might be will to have an

" appointment " where you just get to hear the baby's heartbeat or

something..you know, kind of give him the ILLUSION of being a part of

everything, but not...as to the birth maybe you can have him in a waiting

room and once everything has settled back down, etc..then he is allowed in

for a peek, or if you would rather him not be in your room approve a ONE

TIME ONLY visit for him in the nursery to get to see and hold the

baby..didn't mean to run on this long *G*, can you tell I have had to deal

with a similar situation before and though!

> t up lots

> Missy

>

>

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> , after the harassment that he has given you and all, I am surprised that

you didn't get a restraining order. That would have solved all these problems

now. LOL!

Georga Hackworth <

i wish it had been that easy, but (unfortunately) after i reported him to the

police, he didn't harass me anymore, so i couldn't file a formal complaint :-/

-------------------------

gina, 31, ny

single mom to -

kailey, 8, autism, hyperlexia, depression, anxiety, OCD, DSI

trevor, 3, multiple developmental delays, no " official " dx yet

parker jade, due 7-20-03 :-D

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>(then I will come back to my senses and tell you to trade him in for his weight

in chocloate) <

mmmmm, 310 lbs of chocolate...

-------------------------

gina, 31, ny

single mom to -

kailey, 8, autism, hyperlexia, depression, anxiety, OCD, DSI

trevor, 3, multiple developmental delays, no " official " dx yet

parker jade, due 7-20-03 :-D

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> Missy, I don't even want to think about what you have been through with men.

You and should get together and exchange horror stories. <

hahahaha. missy, if you really do want to chat, my yahoo and aim ID are both

muollo3 and msn is muollo3@...

-------------------------

gina, 31, ny

single mom to -

kailey, 8, autism, hyperlexia, depression, anxiety, OCD, DSI

trevor, 3, multiple developmental delays, no " official " dx yet

parker jade, due 7-20-03 :-D

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> he just called my cell phone and left a message to let him know when that

appt was, cause he really wanted to go with me, but if i didn't want him to

go, that was ok. so what do i do? i really don't want him to go. i really

don't feel comfortable spending that much time with him yet

I think you should tell him EXACTLY that. Change the 'him's to 'you's and

print it off and read it to him over the phone like a script, if you have

to.

>on the other hand, he IS the father. so is it too selfish of me to not want

him to go?

Not at all. He chose to walk out on you, and to be honest, he doesn't

really have parental rights THAT intense yet. Getting to go to a prenatal

doctor's appointment is just a perk of fatherhood, not an absolute legal

right or anything. I mean, I'd have every right to tell Marc I wanted to go

alone to a dr's appt -- and so do you.

Once the baby is born, you'll be legally obligated to see him plenty. So

hold on to this time without him as long as you can.

That's my opinion, anyway.

Jacquie

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> thank you. i've never been in the position to have the man want to go with

me except for early on. now what about the birth? i'd rather not have him

there either. is THAT too selfish?

>

Who cares if it's selfish? Again, the birthing mom has the RIGHT to have -

or NOT have - whomever she chooses in the room. Tell him you've been down

this road before, and you already know that you don't like to have anyone

with you but your mom or sister or whoever. You can't stop him from hanging

around outside in the hallway, but you DON'T have to have him in the room

with you!

Jacquie

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