Having a strange day

[Guest guest]

Hello all. I hope it's ok for me to unload something that's on my mind

here. I guess I'm having a strange day.

I've been having some really good feelings about finding this wonderful

group. I've been enjoying talking to people about where we're from and

things unrelated to ep, as well as knowing that I'm not alone in my

experiences - while that's sad, it somehow makes it a little easier to bear.

But something just hit me.

4 weeks ago today, I found out that the pg I had believed I had m/c'd was

really an ep and I had my surgery. I had been dreading this day for a

while, thinking that *something* (who knows what) was going to happen on

this day. I think I was expecting it to be a hard day, full of memories and

sadness. I didn't have any of that until just now, and the day is almost

over. And while I'm glad my day wasn't filled with sadness, I'm feeling

guilty about it. I'm feeling like I should have remembered this day. I'm

feeling guilty that I am moving on with life and learning things instead of

looking back and remembering what I've lost. And I feel like a horrible

person for it. But I know that's crazy because what else is there to do but

learn from this and move on? I can't change what's happened, and it

certainly shouldn't be celebrated, but shouldn't I have even *remembered*

it?

I'm sorry I'm rambling. I'm just not feeling like a very good person. I

know it's not like I forgot my anniversary or my Mom's birthday. I guess I

just thought I'd have a day of serious reflection and perhaps a bit of

sadness, maybe get some kind of epiphany or be magically enlightened. Why

am I mad at myself for starting to move on???

Thanks, if you've read this far.

~Kim

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[Guest guest]

Dear Kim,

I think it is so wonderful that you are moving on - please don't guilt trip

yourself. 3 months after my ep, which was in April, I was still sobbing EVERYDAY

and I was not sleeping AT ALL. I'm sure all the women here can relay to you what

a wimp I was. I know it was causing my husband and my family so much more grief,

seeing me so upset. I am just such a sentimental person. I had already planned

Mother's Day through Christmas with a pregnancy or child (I was due in

November). Believe me, your route is much better. I just beat myself up daily

with all the what-if's and why-me's. I really admire your strength. I think you

will get back to your " old self " right away and you will just have " moments " for

when you remember. I think that is a very healthy way to recover. Just because

you aren't grieving as much doesn't mean you're forgetting - it just means

you're accepting. Believe me, aceptance is a much better phase to be in than

grievance.

(((HUGS))),

Carmen

[Guest guest]

Kim,

I don't know what is within us that makes us do this to ourselves,

but I can tell you that it is very, very normal. I think almost

everyone hit a guilty stage at some point. I know I certainly did.

When I started to laugh again and started to become like the " old " me

again, initially it made me feel bad, as if I shouldn't be doing that

yet...but just as there is no time line on when you should " be over

it " , there is no time line on when you start feeling good again (even

if it is only intermittently). Don't beat yourself up because you

had a relatively happy day. That is good! And I'm sure your angel

baby wouldn't want you to go through the rest of your life sad. Try

to think about it that way and maybe it will make you feel better

about it. Here's hoping you have many more good days in the near

future!

-AmyR

[Guest guest]

Kim,

I think what AmyR said was right on the mark, we all have had our guilty moments

and they are totally normal. There are so many emotions we seem to go through,

don't be so hard on yourself, you do deserve to smile again.

amrichey@... wrote: Kim,

I don't know what is within us that makes us do this to ourselves,

but I can tell you that it is very, very normal. I think almost

everyone hit a guilty stage at some point. I know I certainly did.

When I started to laugh again and started to become like the " old " me

again, initially it made me feel bad, as if I shouldn't be doing that

yet...but just as there is no time line on when you should " be over

it " , there is no time line on when you start feeling good again (even

if it is only intermittently). Don't beat yourself up because you

had a relatively happy day. That is good! And I'm sure your angel

baby wouldn't want you to go through the rest of your life sad. Try

to think about it that way and maybe it will make you feel better

about it. Here's hoping you have many more good days in the near

future!

-AmyR

[Guest guest]

Thanks so much everyone for the great words of encouragement. I am feeling

a bit better about the situation. You're all very right, I haven't

forgotten anything, but it does no good to beat myself up over not

remembering a specific day.

Right now, I'm not in a grieving mode...there's too much going on in other

aspects of my life. My stepson is turning 7 next weekend. He's been such

an angel since the surgery. Suddenly, his daddy isn't good enough for him.

He's been very clingy to me and I can't tell if that started with the

surgery or when I was in the hospital for the blood clot, but in some

strange way, it's all made him want to be around me even more. We always

were very close, but lately he's going out of his way to just talk to me.

Like last night, he was at his grandparents' house. We called to talk to

them about birthday things and he was in the background asking if he could

talk to me. When he got on the phone, he really didn't have much to say.

He wanted to tell me he was having a good time, they went out to eat, what

he ate, and what he's been doing over there all day.

I remember when we found out we were pg, we told everyone, including him,

with the added explanation of it was very early, so don't count on it. We

just couldn't hold our excitement in. He took the news that there would be

no baby, this time, very well. About a week later he looked at me and said

" so, now you're NOT going to have a baby? " When I said not yet, it just

wasn't time, he said (in the cutest whiny voice) " Awwwwww!!! Will you soon?

I think that'd be cool. " . Made me cry right there in grocery store.

He brings so much happiness to our house when he's here, which is incredibly

helpful. Sorry to go off on a bit of a tangent there. I just think he's

been incredibly helpful to my healing process and wanted to share.

~Kim

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http://inbox.excite.com

[Guest guest]

Oh Kim, I'm glad you shared your feelings, but please don't be too

hard on yourself. It really is okay to be happy sometimes and to move

on. Not that you might not slip back into a funk sometime later, but

that will be okay, too. And please don't start feeling guilty about

feeling guilty . There's a song by Chuck Pyle called " Keep it

simple " which culminates with: " I'm addicted to being angry for

feeling guilty that I'm ashamed of being afraid. " Funny song.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you can't make something be a

magical catharsis day. You may or may not have such a day or days, and

whatever happens is okay.

If you really want to make a special day for reflection, maybe you

need a ritual. I have been thinking that I may need one to help me

move on. I just haven't figured out what would work for me. A formal

memorial service doesn't seem right, but some sort of

recognition/rememberance/reflection would, I think, be helpful for me.

I'm not sure I'm there yet, though.

Anyone have any ideas for good rituals?

-

>

> 4 weeks ago today, I found out that the pg I had believed I had

m/c'd was

> really an ep and I had my surgery. I had been dreading this day for

a

> while, thinking that *something* (who knows what) was going to

happen on

> this day. I think I was expecting it to be a hard day, full of

memories and

> sadness. I didn't have any of that until just now, and the day is

almost

> over. And while I'm glad my day wasn't filled with sadness, I'm

feeling

> guilty about it. I'm feeling like I should have remembered this

day. I'm

> feeling guilty that I am moving on with life and learning things

instead of

> looking back and remembering what I've lost. And I feel like a

horrible

> person for it. But I know that's crazy because what else is there

to do but

> learn from this and move on? I can't change what's happened, and it

> certainly shouldn't be celebrated, but shouldn't I have even

*remembered*

> it?

>

[Guest guest]

My name is -Marie and I recently joined this group. I am a member of a

few others, but when I found a group dedicated to ep, I felt that I needed

to join. I lost Andras Audun on June 14, 2001 when my fallopian tube

ruptured. I was 8 weeks along in my pregnancy and got the confirmation that

I was pregnant and found that I required surgery. 20 minutes later, I was

rushed into surgery after I crashed in the ER. This past week I had an HSG

done to see the condition of the remaining tube and uterus (all good

news...THANK GOD!). We are waiting several more months before trying again

as my nerves are shattered and I'm not ready (I'm terrified of getting

pregnant with the possibility that this could happen again).

" If you really want to make a special day for reflection, maybe you need a

ritual. I have been thinking that I may need one to help me move on. I just

haven't figured out what would work for me. A formal memorial

service doesn't seem right, but some sort of

recognition/rememberance/reflection would, I think, be helpful for me. I'm

not sure I'm there yet, though.

Anyone have any ideas for good rituals?

- "

I wanted to respond to this message as my husband and I were in the same

situation. We wanted to have a special ritual, but a memorial service

didn't feel right. We met with our pastor and arranged to place flowers on

the alter and have a special prayer said during the service. We did this on

July 15, a day and a month after we sent Andras to Heaven.

My prayers are with you all!

hugs,

anna-marie

^A^ ^A^ ^A^ ^A^ ^A^ ^A^ ^A^ ^A^ ^A^ ^A^

-Marie Rieffer

mommy to angel Andras Audun

sent to heaven June 14, 2001

[Guest guest]

Kim,

Sounds like you have a wonderful step-son. I think that is so nice that the two

of you are so close. Sounds like you both are very lucky to have each other in

the other's life. I hope he has a great b-day!!

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