Guest guest Posted February 22, 2007 Report Share Posted February 22, 2007 Awwww - Ellen, you know I shoot from the " heart " Thank you! ************************************** AOL now offers free email to everyone. Find out more about what's free from AOL at http://www.aol.com. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 22, 2007 Report Share Posted February 22, 2007 I feel blessed to know you all! - Your response to Jan is " spot on " . I share in this " anger " as well, and you've both put it into words so beautifully. Thank you ALL for being you, for being there, for sharing your feelings and strength. As I said, I am blessed to have met you all. Hugs! Ellen > > Dear Jan, > > This is in response to your post on anger. For some, it is something in > their past, in the part of the closet where you forgot you had that one summer > shoe. It doesn't rear it's ugly head of recurrence to us all, but creeps > purposefully to remind us almost daily that it's there and we'll hopefully be on > other the other side of the damn statistics. > > I personally have found BC like any other major life trauma brings with it > different stages. Now you're angry because after the presentation by your > oncologist, you're so frightened by the thought that it will return it chills > you. Your anger is a way to prove yourself stronger, not ALLOWING even the > thought of recurrence and you won't accept any other answer. I'm proud of you, > Jan. I would much prefer to see anger than your resignation believing > inevitably that it WILL come back. You fight, sister, and with each passing day, > you'll prove to yourself through personal reassurance that Jan K. will not > allow herself to be on the negative side...she will prevail! > > As I write this note, I continue to wait to hear the results of my PET/CT > and CT of my neck. We're also waiting for the brain MRI appeal, as my > insurance company feels I'm costing them too much right now. I will go for the skull > x-rays today, to prove my concave appearance is a residual effect of 47 > years of living (I didn't have THAT many tequilas!) I wonder what provisions my > plan has for plastic surgery? Will I put my money on recurrence (red) or > escaping one more year (black) ? This is the stage called raw fear. I've > thrust myself into my work with a force driven purely by anxiety, and at dinner > last night, I told them, " I have no regrets, except the beauty of > grandchildren...I've had a wonderful life. " I'm going to drive everyone away because > I've allowed them into my little game of waiting. I've already convinced myself > he's not calling because he doesn't know how to tell me; he's not calling > because he has to make sure he's right; he's not calling because he doesn't > want me to cry. When the phone does ring, with a loving, sympathetic voice > inquiring, " Have you heard? " I exhale, put on my reassurance voice, and feel the > disappointment for us both over the line. Today is one week, and if it goes > till next, I will certainly be committed. The hardest part? Watching > everyone around me waiting as well because the truth is, the majority of people > want to share the next 50 years with me by their side. I'm humbled at the > thought. > > Jan, I think next Christmas, I'm asking Santa for a crystal ball for us both! > > Love you guys, > > > > ************************************** AOL now offers free > email to everyone. Find out more about what's free from AOL at > http://www.aol.com. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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