Guest guest Posted February 21, 2007 Report Share Posted February 21, 2007 Last night I went to a presentation by an oncologist on the newest advances in breast cancer diagnosis and treatments. It was a good presentation and I learned some things. Much to my delight, I had learned a bunch of the same information from things recommended on this website. Felt good about that. At the end of the presentation, there was question and answer time. One of the comments that the oncologist made was that doctors are trying to get to a point that breast cancer is the same as any other chronic disease. Somehow that that statement just hit me wrong. I guess I am naive enough to think that once a person gets through the different methods of treatment, whether it be chemo, radiation or adjutant therapies, there would be some point in time that breast cancer could be a thing of the past in people's lives and except for BSE, mammograms and ultrasound, there would be no need to worry about cancer. Maybe I misinterpreted his statement but I felt a lot of anger. It dawned on me that since my diagnosis of breast cancer and all the stuff after, I have really been in denial. I know in my head that this is all part of the grief process. I know in my head that I have been through a mastectomy and adjutant therapies. I know those things in my head. However, I have not really dealt with the emotions and feelings. I found that I was angry that the breast cancer dare be part of my life when I didn't ask for it. I found that I was angry about doctors' attitudes and that so many women (1 in 8 according to the oncologist) that will be diagnosed with breast cancer before they are 80 years old. I found that I was angry that the only way to start treating breast cancer is through cutting off the breast(s) or cutting out a lump; burning the heck out of the breast(s), and poisoning the system. Then these men (generally men, although some women) doctors continue " killing any potential cancer cells " with these adjutant therapies. I was angry to think that I was one of the 1 in 8 diagnosed with breast cancer and 1 in 9 that have some sort of invasive cancer. I was just angry. I don't know what to do with the anger except to talk about it here. How did you ladies deal with anger? It is a powerful force-anger. And I don't want it to have any more power in my life than I allowed cancer to have. I know that the experience is life changing and that my perspective is really different that it used to be. Some things I am still sorting through. My Victory in the Valley companion told me that after she had a diagnosis of breast cancer and went through the chemo and all the effects from it, that she didn't feel she could trust her body anymore. She said that it was like her body had betrayed her. I guess I understand what she is saying. Sorry this is so long. Breast cancer deals with more than the physical nature of things, just like most every other disease or illness. Somehow this feels different than when I had a thyroidectomy or hysterectomy. I will get over this. However, I feel just like Sally Fields, in Steele Magnolias. It isn't fair. It doesn't make sense. I just want to hit something or someone. I am grateful for each new day, believe me. But I wish that it was before breast cancer. Thanks for listening. Jan K Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 21, 2007 Report Share Posted February 21, 2007 Jan, You can vent here anytime you feel like. I wasn't mad that I got bc. I knew in my heart it was just a matter of time. My Father died in 1978 with lung/brain and my sister in 1984 with colon cancer so I had a feeling it wouldn't be long. BUT instead of being angry I got it I made a vow that I would get IT and IT not kill me. I was determined at that time to see my grandchildren born. Well the oldest are 14 so now I have decided I am sticking around to see ALL of them married. The youngest is 3. Its been over 16 yrs and I still am not going to give in. Hang in there. You are in my prayers. Hugs nne Breast Cancer Patients Soul Mates for Life http://www.geocities.com/chucky5741/breastcancerpatients.html BreastCancerStories.com http://www.breastcancerstories.com/content/view/433/161/ Angel Feather Loomer www.angelfeatherloomer.blogspot.com Check out my other ornaments at www.geocities.com/chucky5741/bcornament.html Lots of info and gifts at: www.cancerclub.com Anger Last night I went to a presentation by an oncologist on the newest advances in breast cancer diagnosis and treatments. It was a good presentation and I learned some things. Much to my delight, I had learned a bunch of the same information from things recommended on this website. Felt good about that. At the end of the presentation, there was question and answer time. One of the comments that the oncologist made was that doctors are trying to get to a point that breast cancer is the same as any other chronic disease. Somehow that that statement just hit me wrong. I guess I am naive enough to think that once a person gets through the different methods of treatment, whether it be chemo, radiation or adjutant therapies, there would be some point in time that breast cancer could be a thing of the past in people's lives and except for BSE, mammograms and ultrasound, there would be no need to worry about cancer. Maybe I misinterpreted his statement but I felt a lot of anger. It dawned on me that since my diagnosis of breast cancer and all the stuff after, I have really been in denial. I know in my head that this is all part of the grief process. I know in my head that I have been through a mastectomy and adjutant therapies. I know those things in my head. However, I have not really dealt with the emotions and feelings. I found that I was angry that the breast cancer dare be part of my life when I didn't ask for it. I found that I was angry about doctors' attitudes and that so many women (1 in 8 according to the oncologist) that will be diagnosed with breast cancer before they are 80 years old. I found that I was angry that the only way to start treating breast cancer is through cutting off the breast(s) or cutting out a lump; burning the heck out of the breast(s), and poisoning the system. Then these men (generally men, although some women) doctors continue " killing any potential cancer cells " with these adjutant therapies. I was angry to think that I was one of the 1 in 8 diagnosed with breast cancer and 1 in 9 that have some sort of invasive cancer. I was just angry. I don't know what to do with the anger except to talk about it here. How did you ladies deal with anger? It is a powerful force-anger. And I don't want it to have any more power in my life than I allowed cancer to have. I know that the experience is life changing and that my perspective is really different that it used to be. Some things I am still sorting through. My Victory in the Valley companion told me that after she had a diagnosis of breast cancer and went through the chemo and all the effects from it, that she didn't feel she could trust her body anymore. She said that it was like her body had betrayed her. I guess I understand what she is saying. Sorry this is so long. Breast cancer deals with more than the physical nature of things, just like most every other disease or illness. Somehow this feels different than when I had a thyroidectomy or hysterectomy. I will get over this. However, I feel just like Sally Fields, in Steele Magnolias. It isn't fair. It doesn't make sense. I just want to hit something or someone. I am grateful for each new day, believe me. But I wish that it was before breast cancer. Thanks for listening. Jan K ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ No virus found in this incoming message. Checked by AVG Free Edition. Version: 7.1.412 / Virus Database: 268.18.2/692 - Release Date: 2/18/2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 21, 2007 Report Share Posted February 21, 2007 Thanks, nne. I guess part of my anger is that my dad fought hard against lung cancer. He died in 1999. I have friends who fought hard with cancer and beat it. Have been with their families while they were in surgery--one with cervical cancer and one with ovarian cancer. I know this cancer thing can be beat. I am still waging my campaign against it in prayer, which as far as I am concerned is the greatest weapon ever. That is the way I am dealing with part of the anger. The other part is realizing that I am angry at cancer and the changes that it brings not only in my husband and my life but other people, too. I definitely think that there is a reason for everything that happens to us here on this earth. And when I get to heaven, I think that God will have a lot of questions to answer. I also think that when I get to heaven, and the broader picture is presented to us all, I and others will may be say, " Oh, that's why. " Don't know if that is actually how it will happen. But it makes sense of all of this " chronic " illnesses. Thanks for your support and prayers. & nne Svihlik moochie1@...> wrote: Jan, You can vent here anytime you feel like. I wasn't mad that I got bc. I knew in my heart it was just a matter of time. My Father died in 1978 with lung/brain and my sister in 1984 with colon cancer so I had a feeling it wouldn't be long. BUT instead of being angry I got it I made a vow that I would get IT and IT not kill me. I was determined at that time to see my grandchildren born. Well the oldest are 14 so now I have decided I am sticking around to see ALL of them married. The youngest is 3. Its been over 16 yrs and I still am not going to give in. Hang in there. You are in my prayers. Hugs nne Breast Cancer Patients Soul Mates for Life http://www.geocities.com/chucky5741/breastcancerpatients.html BreastCancerStories.com http://www.breastcancerstories.com/content/view/433/161/ Angel Feather Loomer www.angelfeatherloomer.blogspot.com Check out my other ornaments at www.geocities.com/chucky5741/bcornament.html Lots of info and gifts at: www.cancerclub.com Anger Last night I went to a presentation by an oncologist on the newest advances in breast cancer diagnosis and treatments. It was a good presentation and I learned some things. Much to my delight, I had learned a bunch of the same information from things recommended on this website. Felt good about that. At the end of the presentation, there was question and answer time. One of the comments that the oncologist made was that doctors are trying to get to a point that breast cancer is the same as any other chronic disease. Somehow that that statement just hit me wrong. I guess I am naive enough to think that once a person gets through the different methods of treatment, whether it be chemo, radiation or adjutant therapies, there would be some point in time that breast cancer could be a thing of the past in people's lives and except for BSE, mammograms and ultrasound, there would be no need to worry about cancer. Maybe I misinterpreted his statement but I felt a lot of anger. It dawned on me that since my diagnosis of breast cancer and all the stuff after, I have really been in denial. I know in my head that this is all part of the grief process. I know in my head that I have been through a mastectomy and adjutant therapies. I know those things in my head. However, I have not really dealt with the emotions and feelings. I found that I was angry that the breast cancer dare be part of my life when I didn't ask for it. I found that I was angry about doctors' attitudes and that so many women (1 in 8 according to the oncologist) that will be diagnosed with breast cancer before they are 80 years old. I found that I was angry that the only way to start treating breast cancer is through cutting off the breast(s) or cutting out a lump; burning the heck out of the breast(s), and poisoning the system. Then these men (generally men, although some women) doctors continue " killing any potential cancer cells " with these adjutant therapies. I was angry to think that I was one of the 1 in 8 diagnosed with breast cancer and 1 in 9 that have some sort of invasive cancer. I was just angry. I don't know what to do with the anger except to talk about it here. How did you ladies deal with anger? It is a powerful force-anger. And I don't want it to have any more power in my life than I allowed cancer to have. I know that the experience is life changing and that my perspective is really different that it used to be. Some things I am still sorting through. My Victory in the Valley companion told me that after she had a diagnosis of breast cancer and went through the chemo and all the effects from it, that she didn't feel she could trust her body anymore. She said that it was like her body had betrayed her. I guess I understand what she is saying. Sorry this is so long. Breast cancer deals with more than the physical nature of things, just like most every other disease or illness. Somehow this feels different than when I had a thyroidectomy or hysterectomy. I will get over this. However, I feel just like Sally Fields, in Steele Magnolias. It isn't fair. It doesn't make sense. I just want to hit something or someone. I am grateful for each new day, believe me. But I wish that it was before breast cancer. Thanks for listening. Jan K ---------------------------------------------------------- No virus found in this incoming message. Checked by AVG Free Edition. Version: 7.1.412 / Virus Database: 268.18.2/692 - Release Date: 2/18/2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 21, 2007 Report Share Posted February 21, 2007 Some how I have and easier time dealing with my " other " cronic disease, diabetes. It is a walk in the park. I manage that one with diet alone, didn't have to have any thing " cut off " . I am not angry that I have cancer, I am angry that the treatments consist of slash, butn and poisen and to think we live in a " civilized " society. The emotional toll of being so violated is immeasurable for me. I keep on trucking, I keep on doing, but it ain't easy. About the only thing I truely enjoy is the volunteering I do at the nrsing home. Boy, those folks love back rubs! Ruth > > Last night I went to a presentation by an oncologist on the newest > advances in breast cancer diagnosis and treatments. It was a good > presentation and I learned some things. Much to my delight, I had > learned a bunch of the same information from things recommended on this > website. Felt good about that. > > At the end of the presentation, there was question and answer time. > One of the comments that the oncologist made was that doctors are > trying to get to a point that breast cancer is the same as any other > chronic disease. Somehow that that statement just hit me wrong. I > guess I am naive enough to think that once a person gets through the > different methods of treatment, whether it be chemo, radiation or > adjutant therapies, there would be some point in time that breast > cancer could be a thing of the past in people's lives and except for > BSE, mammograms and ultrasound, there would be no need to worry about > cancer. Maybe I misinterpreted his statement but I felt a lot of anger. > > It dawned on me that since my diagnosis of breast cancer and all the > stuff after, I have really been in denial. I know in my head that this > is all part of the grief process. I know in my head that I have been > through a mastectomy and adjutant therapies. I know those things in > my head. However, I have not really dealt with the emotions and > feelings. I found that I was angry that the breast cancer dare be part > of my life when I didn't ask for it. I found that I was angry about > doctors' attitudes and that so many women (1 in 8 according to the > oncologist) that will be diagnosed with breast cancer before they are > 80 years old. I found that I was angry that the only way to start > treating breast cancer is through cutting off the breast(s) or cutting > out a lump; burning the heck out of the breast(s), and poisoning the > system. Then these men (generally men, although some women) doctors > continue " killing any potential cancer cells " with these adjutant > therapies. I was angry to think that I was one of the 1 in 8 diagnosed > with breast cancer and 1 in 9 that have some sort of invasive cancer. > I was just angry. > > I don't know what to do with the anger except to talk about it here. > How did you ladies deal with anger? It is a powerful force-anger. > And I don't want it to have any more power in my life than I allowed > cancer to have. > > I know that the experience is life changing and that my perspective is > really different that it used to be. Some things I am still sorting > through. My Victory in the Valley companion told me that after she > had a diagnosis of breast cancer and went through the chemo and all > the effects from it, that she didn't feel she could trust her body > anymore. She said that it was like her body had betrayed her. I > guess I understand what she is saying. > > Sorry this is so long. Breast cancer deals with more than the physical > nature of things, just like most every other disease or illness. > Somehow this feels different than when I had a thyroidectomy or > hysterectomy. > > I will get over this. However, I feel just like Sally Fields, in Steele > Magnolias. It isn't fair. It doesn't make sense. I just want to hit > something or someone. > > I am grateful for each new day, believe me. But I wish that it was > before breast cancer. > > Thanks for listening. > > Jan K > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 21, 2007 Report Share Posted February 21, 2007 Dear Jan, This is in response to your post on anger. For some, it is something in their past, in the part of the closet where you forgot you had that one summer shoe. It doesn't rear it's ugly head of recurrence to us all, but creeps purposefully to remind us almost daily that it's there and we'll hopefully be on other the other side of the damn statistics. I personally have found BC like any other major life trauma brings with it different stages. Now you're angry because after the presentation by your oncologist, you're so frightened by the thought that it will return it chills you. Your anger is a way to prove yourself stronger, not ALLOWING even the thought of recurrence and you won't accept any other answer. I'm proud of you, Jan. I would much prefer to see anger than your resignation believing inevitably that it WILL come back. You fight, sister, and with each passing day, you'll prove to yourself through personal reassurance that Jan K. will not allow herself to be on the negative side...she will prevail! As I write this note, I continue to wait to hear the results of my PET/CT and CT of my neck. We're also waiting for the brain MRI appeal, as my insurance company feels I'm costing them too much right now. I will go for the skull x-rays today, to prove my concave appearance is a residual effect of 47 years of living (I didn't have THAT many tequilas!) I wonder what provisions my plan has for plastic surgery? Will I put my money on recurrence (red) or escaping one more year (black) ? This is the stage called raw fear. I've thrust myself into my work with a force driven purely by anxiety, and at dinner last night, I told them, " I have no regrets, except the beauty of grandchildren...I've had a wonderful life. " I'm going to drive everyone away because I've allowed them into my little game of waiting. I've already convinced myself he's not calling because he doesn't know how to tell me; he's not calling because he has to make sure he's right; he's not calling because he doesn't want me to cry. When the phone does ring, with a loving, sympathetic voice inquiring, " Have you heard? " I exhale, put on my reassurance voice, and feel the disappointment for us both over the line. Today is one week, and if it goes till next, I will certainly be committed. The hardest part? Watching everyone around me waiting as well because the truth is, the majority of people want to share the next 50 years with me by their side. I'm humbled at the thought. Jan, I think next Christmas, I'm asking Santa for a crystal ball for us both! Love you guys, ************************************** AOL now offers free email to everyone. Find out more about what's free from AOL at http://www.aol.com. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 22, 2007 Report Share Posted February 22, 2007 , If it were me I would be on the phone calling and asking about the results. It shouldn't be taking this long. Its cruel to make a patient wait this long for test results. I have always had mine in just a few days. Maybe they got lost somewhere. I will continue to keep you in my prayers. Hugs nne Breast Cancer Patients Soul Mates for Life http://www.geocities.com/chucky5741/breastcancerpatients.html BreastCancerStories.com http://www.breastcancerstories.com/content/view/433/161/ Angel Feather Loomer www.angelfeatherloomer.blogspot.com Check out my other ornaments at www.geocities.com/chucky5741/bcornament.html Lots of info and gifts at: www.cancerclub.com Re: Re: Anger Dear Jan, This is in response to your post on anger. For some, it is something in their past, in the part of the closet where you forgot you had that one summer shoe. It doesn't rear it's ugly head of recurrence to us all, but creeps purposefully to remind us almost daily that it's there and we'll hopefully be on other the other side of the damn statistics. I personally have found BC like any other major life trauma brings with it different stages. Now you're angry because after the presentation by your oncologist, you're so frightened by the thought that it will return it chills you. Your anger is a way to prove yourself stronger, not ALLOWING even the thought of recurrence and you won't accept any other answer. I'm proud of you, Jan. I would much prefer to see anger than your resignation believing inevitably that it WILL come back. You fight, sister, and with each passing day, you'll prove to yourself through personal reassurance that Jan K. will not allow herself to be on the negative side...she will prevail! As I write this note, I continue to wait to hear the results of my PET/CT and CT of my neck. We're also waiting for the brain MRI appeal, as my insurance company feels I'm costing them too much right now. I will go for the skull x-rays today, to prove my concave appearance is a residual effect of 47 years of living (I didn't have THAT many tequilas!) I wonder what provisions my plan has for plastic surgery? Will I put my money on recurrence (red) or escaping one more year (black) ? This is the stage called raw fear. I've thrust myself into my work with a force driven purely by anxiety, and at dinner last night, I told them, " I have no regrets, except the beauty of grandchildren...I've had a wonderful life. " I'm going to drive everyone away because I've allowed them into my little game of waiting. I've already convinced myself he's not calling because he doesn't know how to tell me; he's not calling because he has to make sure he's right; he's not calling because he doesn't want me to cry. When the phone does ring, with a loving, sympathetic voice inquiring, " Have you heard? " I exhale, put on my reassurance voice, and feel the disappointment for us both over the line. Today is one week, and if it goes till next, I will certainly be committed. The hardest part? Watching everyone around me waiting as well because the truth is, the majority of people want to share the next 50 years with me by their side. I'm humbled at the thought. Jan, I think next Christmas, I'm asking Santa for a crystal ball for us both! Love you guys, ************************************** AOL now offers free email to everyone. Find out more about what's free from AOL at http://www.aol.com. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 22, 2007 Report Share Posted February 22, 2007 Hi, Jan, after perfect health, I had a life-changing illness in 1997 that knocked me our of my career and gave me chronic pain, took away my ability to use my arms/hands for any but short periods, for me, a disaster. I still live with the effects. I spent three years in a depression because of it, and anger was at its core. At some point, I finally learned to redefine my life and to be happy in spite of what had happened. With this BC diagnosis, I promised myself I was not going to waste another 3 years in anger/depression because my body had betrayed me again. Several concepts helped me to overcome my anger. One, I looked around me and it was quite clear that fate had not singled me out for special punishment. Becoming disabled in my early forties didn't seem fair, but I definitely wasn't alone. EVERYONE'S body betrays them in different ways and at different times. We are as individuals and as a human species in a certain place in time on the evolutionary scale. The tools our bodies have to deal with these things aren't perfect. Maybe someday they will be, but they aren't now, and it's not that anyone or anything has done something wrong. It's simply a reality of living in a material world. I actually developed a feeling of compassion for my body that replaced the feeling of betrayal. I felt it was dealing with forces as best it could given the imperfect tools it had to work with. It was trying mightily, but not winning the battle, and needed help. So we look to the medical system and ask, " Why aren't YOUR tools better? What's YOUR excuse? " , and it comes back to the same idea that science is on an evolutionary path, and working as hard as our bodies to get to a higher state of perfection. I'm so impressed with the amount of research being done on BC. These guys aren't sitting on their hands. They're working VERY hard to bring us better tools, but they are where they are, and don't have a fast-forward button to get to the ultimate solutions. So where I started from a place of anger, I finally had to conclude at an attitude of gratitude. There were simply too many people, organizations, and organic systems (my body) working to help me. My perspective changed from a glass half empty to a glass half full. We're are all terminal on this planet from the day we're born. Our hearts will only beat a certain number of times, and no more. Let them beat with gratitude, not anger long-term. To me, that's the path to the pursuit of happiness. Ellie --------------------------------- Never Miss an Email Stay connected with Yahoo! Mail on your mobile. Get started! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 22, 2007 Report Share Posted February 22, 2007 > > , > If it were me I would be on the phone calling and asking about the results. It shouldn't be taking this long. Its cruel to make a , I was wondering why you had not posted about your doc's call once he came back into town. CALL HIM. He has been gone and is trying to catch up. CALL HIM and save him the time...and yourself the worry!!! Andree www.essentialsoapsinc.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 22, 2007 Report Share Posted February 22, 2007 WoW... Ellie that was the most well written heart spoken truth I have ever read!! Thank you for allowing me to see inside your world to help realize exactly where I stand on the ground I walk on today. I will never forget how our hearts are destined to beat a certain number of times from conception, and that it is up to us to enjoy those beats! Again, thank you, this was the first post I read today.. and I'm glad it was so uplifting, especially with all that you have been through yourself LOVE Michele mizzes12 mizzes12@...> wrote: Hi, Jan, after perfect health, I had a life-changing illness in 1997 that knocked me our of my career and gave me chronic pain, took away my ability to use my arms/hands for any but short periods, for me, a disaster. I still live with the effects. I spent three years in a depression because of it, and anger was at its core. At some point, I finally learned to redefine my life and to be happy in spite of what had happened. With this BC diagnosis, I promised myself I was not going to waste another 3 years in anger/depression because my body had betrayed me again. Several concepts helped me to overcome my anger. One, I looked around me and it was quite clear that fate had not singled me out for special punishment. Becoming disabled in my early forties didn't seem fair, but I definitely wasn't alone. EVERYONE'S body betrays them in different ways and at different times. We are as individuals and as a human species in a certain place in time on the evolutionary scale. The tools our bodies have to deal with these things aren't perfect. Maybe someday they will be, but they aren't now, and it's not that anyone or anything has done something wrong. It's simply a reality of living in a material world. I actually developed a feeling of compassion for my body that replaced the feeling of betrayal. I felt it was dealing with forces as best it could given the imperfect tools it had to work with. It was trying mightily, but not winning the battle, and needed help. So we look to the medical system and ask, " Why aren't YOUR tools better? What's YOUR excuse? " , and it comes back to the same idea that science is on an evolutionary path, and working as hard as our bodies to get to a higher state of perfection. I'm so impressed with the amount of research being done on BC. These guys aren't sitting on their hands. They're working VERY hard to bring us better tools, but they are where they are, and don't have a fast-forward button to get to the ultimate solutions. So where I started from a place of anger, I finally had to conclude at an attitude of gratitude. There were simply too many people, organizations, and organic systems (my body) working to help me. My perspective changed from a glass half empty to a glass half full. We're are all terminal on this planet from the day we're born. Our hearts will only beat a certain number of times, and no more. Let them beat with gratitude, not anger long-term. To me, that's the path to the pursuit of happiness. Ellie --------------------------------- Never Miss an Email Stay connected with Yahoo! Mail on your mobile. Get started! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 22, 2007 Report Share Posted February 22, 2007 ! Againk another wonderful well spoken post about what is so true... You women amaze me to no end, I can't get past a day without the constant worrying, I feel as though I don't live only because I am constantly focused on this darn crap, but the more I read such powerful statements, the more you beautiful women are teaching me what life is all about. I am so greatful to have met you all, and would so love to do so in person with each and every one of you. With all that is on your plate, you inspire me ... please, call that doctor.. I like to believe no news is good news, however, its Thursday hunny, please don't put yourself through another weekend of waiting... Love You Michele ssist@... wrote: Dear Jan, This is in response to your post on anger. For some, it is something in their past, in the part of the closet where you forgot you had that one summer shoe. It doesn't rear it's ugly head of recurrence to us all, but creeps purposefully to remind us almost daily that it's there and we'll hopefully be on other the other side of the damn statistics. I personally have found BC like any other major life trauma brings with it different stages. Now you're angry because after the presentation by your oncologist, you're so frightened by the thought that it will return it chills you. Your anger is a way to prove yourself stronger, not ALLOWING even the thought of recurrence and you won't accept any other answer. I'm proud of you, Jan. I would much prefer to see anger than your resignation believing inevitably that it WILL come back. You fight, sister, and with each passing day, you'll prove to yourself through personal reassurance that Jan K. will not allow herself to be on the negative side...she will prevail! As I write this note, I continue to wait to hear the results of my PET/CT and CT of my neck. We're also waiting for the brain MRI appeal, as my insurance company feels I'm costing them too much right now. I will go for the skull x-rays today, to prove my concave appearance is a residual effect of 47 years of living (I didn't have THAT many tequilas!) I wonder what provisions my plan has for plastic surgery? Will I put my money on recurrence (red) or escaping one more year (black) ? This is the stage called raw fear. I've thrust myself into my work with a force driven purely by anxiety, and at dinner last night, I told them, " I have no regrets, except the beauty of grandchildren...I've had a wonderful life. " I'm going to drive everyone away because I've allowed them into my little game of waiting. I've already convinced myself he's not calling because he doesn't know how to tell me; he's not calling because he has to make sure he's right; he's not calling because he doesn't want me to cry. When the phone does ring, with a loving, sympathetic voice inquiring, " Have you heard? " I exhale, put on my reassurance voice, and feel the disappointment for us both over the line. Today is one week, and if it goes till next, I will certainly be committed. The hardest part? Watching everyone around me waiting as well because the truth is, the majority of people want to share the next 50 years with me by their side. I'm humbled at the thought. Jan, I think next Christmas, I'm asking Santa for a crystal ball for us both! Love you guys, ************************************** AOL now offers free email to everyone. Find out more about what's free from AOL at http://www.aol.com. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 22, 2007 Report Share Posted February 22, 2007 : What a special person you are! I don't even know if I could have sanity enough to deal with what you are going through. I will tell you I am keeping you in my prayers, but what you really need is the results of your tests. I wish I had that news for you. You will make it through this phase, too. And I will personally be here to give as much support as I can. I will be waiting with you to see what your results are. I am encouraged with your message and I will prevail and so will you. Maybe a phone call to the doctor would be a good thing. At least you could yell at the staff to find out what is taking so long. Thanks for your support and helping me see a different perspective. I appreciate you. ssist@... wrote: Dear Jan, This is in response to your post on anger. For some, it is something in their past, in the part of the closet where you forgot you had that one summer shoe. It doesn't rear it's ugly head of recurrence to us all, but creeps purposefully to remind us almost daily that it's there and we'll hopefully be on other the other side of the damn statistics. I personally have found BC like any other major life trauma brings with it different stages. Now you're angry because after the presentation by your oncologist, you're so frightened by the thought that it will return it chills you. Your anger is a way to prove yourself stronger, not ALLOWING even the thought of recurrence and you won't accept any other answer. I'm proud of you, Jan. I would much prefer to see anger than your resignation believing inevitably that it WILL come back. You fight, sister, and with each passing day, you'll prove to yourself through personal reassurance that Jan K. will not allow herself to be on the negative side...she will prevail! As I write this note, I continue to wait to hear the results of my PET/CT and CT of my neck. We're also waiting for the brain MRI appeal, as my insurance company feels I'm costing them too much right now. I will go for the skull x-rays today, to prove my concave appearance is a residual effect of 47 years of living (I didn't have THAT many tequilas!) I wonder what provisions my plan has for plastic surgery? Will I put my money on recurrence (red) or escaping one more year (black) ? This is the stage called raw fear. I've thrust myself into my work with a force driven purely by anxiety, and at dinner last night, I told them, " I have no regrets, except the beauty of grandchildren...I've had a wonderful life. " I'm going to drive everyone away because I've allowed them into my little game of waiting. I've already convinced myself he's not calling because he doesn't know how to tell me; he's not calling because he has to make sure he's right; he's not calling because he doesn't want me to cry. When the phone does ring, with a loving, sympathetic voice inquiring, " Have you heard? " I exhale, put on my reassurance voice, and feel the disappointment for us both over the line. Today is one week, and if it goes till next, I will certainly be committed. The hardest part? Watching everyone around me waiting as well because the truth is, the majority of people want to share the next 50 years with me by their side. I'm humbled at the thought. Jan, I think next Christmas, I'm asking Santa for a crystal ball for us both! Love you guys, ************************************** AOL now offers free email to everyone. Find out more about what's free from AOL at http://www.aol.com. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 22, 2007 Report Share Posted February 22, 2007 Thanks, Ellie, for the positive slant on things. I have had disabilities most of my life because of a car accident in 1973. This breast cancer is just one more thing. The only difference in it and the other problems I have is that breast cancer may come back. The other challenges I have are constant so I learn to live with them. Breast cancer I haven't learned to live with yet. I will, but right now, I don't know how to handle things. That is as frustrating to me as when I received my diagnosis and didn't know what to expect next. As a Hospice Chaplain, I learned a lot about death and dying which changed my perspective, too. I also learned that most people aren't afraid of dying but are afraid of how they are going to die. I never dreamed, for whatever reason that cancer might be the way. I guess we don't have the luxury of choosing what diseases we get to experience. I appreciate you, Ellie. Thanks. mizzes12 mizzes12@...> wrote: Hi, Jan, after perfect health, I had a life-changing illness in 1997 that knocked me our of my career and gave me chronic pain, took away my ability to use my arms/hands for any but short periods, for me, a disaster. I still live with the effects. I spent three years in a depression because of it, and anger was at its core. At some point, I finally learned to redefine my life and to be happy in spite of what had happened. With this BC diagnosis, I promised myself I was not going to waste another 3 years in anger/depression because my body had betrayed me again. Several concepts helped me to overcome my anger. One, I looked around me and it was quite clear that fate had not singled me out for special punishment. Becoming disabled in my early forties didn't seem fair, but I definitely wasn't alone. EVERYONE'S body betrays them in different ways and at different times. We are as individuals and as a human species in a certain place in time on the evolutionary scale. The tools our bodies have to deal with these things aren't perfect. Maybe someday they will be, but they aren't now, and it's not that anyone or anything has done something wrong. It's simply a reality of living in a material world. I actually developed a feeling of compassion for my body that replaced the feeling of betrayal. I felt it was dealing with forces as best it could given the imperfect tools it had to work with. It was trying mightily, but not winning the battle, and needed help. So we look to the medical system and ask, " Why aren't YOUR tools better? What's YOUR excuse? " , and it comes back to the same idea that science is on an evolutionary path, and working as hard as our bodies to get to a higher state of perfection. I'm so impressed with the amount of research being done on BC. These guys aren't sitting on their hands. They're working VERY hard to bring us better tools, but they are where they are, and don't have a fast-forward button to get to the ultimate solutions. So where I started from a place of anger, I finally had to conclude at an attitude of gratitude. There were simply too many people, organizations, and organic systems (my body) working to help me. My perspective changed from a glass half empty to a glass half full. We're are all terminal on this planet from the day we're born. Our hearts will only beat a certain number of times, and no more. Let them beat with gratitude, not anger long-term. To me, that's the path to the pursuit of happiness. Ellie --------------------------------- Never Miss an Email Stay connected with Yahoo! Mail on your mobile. Get started! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 22, 2007 Report Share Posted February 22, 2007 As I've been going thru chemo, I have found myself worrying about a reocurrance. I spoke to one of the chemo nurses about having my port removed after chemo as it bothers me some. She suggested I leave it in for one or two years just in case. Didn't make me feel any better. A riding buddy of mine kind of put it in presective, she said why worry about it, you never know what will happen tommorrow. Driving to the doctor's office is dangerous. Heck, my horseback riding, even though I try to be carefull, has risks. So I will try to go back to putting it out of my mind. Do all the checkups and all, just try not to dwell on it. Prayers to all. Joyce --------------------------------- Bored stiff? Loosen up... Download and play hundreds of games for free on Yahoo! Games. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 22, 2007 Report Share Posted February 22, 2007 Thanks, Jan, I can really relate to what you saw in hospice. I've often said myself that being dead doesn't trouble me. It's the dying part I have a problem with. My surgeon is a young woman, maybe in her late thirties, and she's already had a double mastectomy with a reconstruction. I can't remember the exact context but she was talking about the choices she made in her reconstruction, and that maybe she should have made a different choice, but then she said, " By ten years, something else will have happened " . She wasn't talking specifically about her cancer coming back, but just that, as a human organism, sure enough, something else was going to happen to her body that needed to be tended to. That's the place we're all in. It's, unfortuately, normal, much as I wish it weren't. Elliie Posted by: " Jan Koelsch " jkoelsch1950@... jkoelsch1950 Date: Thu Feb 22, 2007 10:05 am ((PST)) Thanks, Ellie, for the positive slant on things. I have had disabilities most of my life because of a car accident in 1973. This breast cancer is just one more thing. The only difference in it and the other problems I have is that breast cancer may come back. The other challenges I have are constant so I learn to live with them. Breast cancer I haven't learned to live with yet. I will, but right now, I don't know how to handle things. That is as frustrating to me as when I received my diagnosis and didn't know what to expect next. As a Hospice Chaplain, I learned a lot about death and dying which changed my perspective, too. I also learned that most people aren't afraid of dying but are afraid of how they are going to die. I never dreamed, for whatever reason that cancer might be the way. I guess we don't have the luxury of choosing what diseases we get to experience. I appreciate you, Ellie. Thanks. --------------------------------- Food fight? Enjoy some healthy debate in the Yahoo! Answers Food & Drink Q&A. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 22, 2007 Report Share Posted February 22, 2007 This touched me profoundly -thank you - you have changed my way of thinking doloresrose.scent-team.com Once you try Mia Bella candles there will be no other! CIAO! DEEBELLA --------------------------------- The fish are biting. Get more visitors on your site using Yahoo! Search Marketing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 22, 2007 Report Share Posted February 22, 2007 I understand that anger. When I was first diagnosed last summer I was mad as hell. Mad at my body, made at God, mad at the unfairness of it all. But you know what, I figured out that cancer can only take what you give it after a point. It took some of my health, it took some of my breast, it took a big part of about 7 months of my life. That I had to give it. The rest is up to me. I can give it anger but I don't have to. I can give it grief but I don't have to. Anything else that I give it is a choice I make and I will NOT give it any more than I absolutely have to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 22, 2007 Report Share Posted February 22, 2007 Thanks, Ellie, for the positive slant on things. I have had disabilities most of my life because of a car accident in 1973. This breast cancer is just one more thing. The only difference in it and the other problems I have is that breast cancer may come back. The other challenges I know will never go away so I learn to live with them. Breast cancer I haven't learned to live with yet. I will, but right now I don't know how to handle it. That is frustrating to me just as it was when I received my dianosis and didn't know what to expect next. As a Hosice Chaplain, I learned a lot about death and dying which changed my perspective, too. I also learned that most people are not afraid of dying but they are afraid of how they are going to die. I never dreamed, for whatever reason, that cancer might be the way. Even though I know that cancer is not a death sentence, I also know it can be. I won't let it prevail and will do whatever it takes to keep it from be a huge part of my present or future. I guess we don't have the luxury of chooseing what diseases we get to experience. I appreciate you, Ellie. Thanks. Jan K mizzes12 mizzes12@...> wrote: Hi, Jan, after perfect health, I had a life-changing illness in 1997 that knocked me our of my career and gave me chronic pain, took away my ability to use my arms/hands for any but short periods, for me, a disaster. I still live with the effects. I spent three years in a depression because of it, and anger was at its core. At some point, I finally learned to redefine my life and to be happy in spite of what had happened. With this BC diagnosis, I promised myself I was not going to waste another 3 years in anger/depression because my body had betrayed me again. Several concepts helped me to overcome my anger. One, I looked around me and it was quite clear that fate had not singled me out for special punishment. Becoming disabled in my early forties didn't seem fair, but I definitely wasn't alone. EVERYONE'S body betrays them in different ways and at different times. We are as individuals and as a human species in a certain place in time on the evolutionary scale. The tools our bodies have to deal with these things aren't perfect. Maybe someday they will be, but they aren't now, and it's not that anyone or anything has done something wrong. It's simply a reality of living in a material world. I actually developed a feeling of compassion for my body that replaced the feeling of betrayal. I felt it was dealing with forces as best it could given the imperfect tools it had to work with. It was trying mightily, but not winning the battle, and needed help. So we look to the medical system and ask, " Why aren't YOUR tools better? What's YOUR excuse? " , and it comes back to the same idea that science is on an evolutionary path, and working as hard as our bodies to get to a higher state of perfection. I'm so impressed with the amount of research being done on BC. These guys aren't sitting on their hands. They're working VERY hard to bring us better tools, but they are where they are, and don't have a fast-forward button to get to the ultimate solutions. So where I started from a place of anger, I finally had to conclude at an attitude of gratitude. There were simply too many people, organizations, and organic systems (my body) working to help me. My perspective changed from a glass half empty to a glass half full. We're are all terminal on this planet from the day we're born. Our hearts will only beat a certain number of times, and no more. Let them beat with gratitude, not anger long-term. To me, that's the path to the pursuit of happiness. Ellie --------------------------------- Never Miss an Email Stay connected with Yahoo! Mail on your mobile. Get started! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 22, 2007 Report Share Posted February 22, 2007 What a powerful statement! And you are absolutely right! You gave me a kick in the pants in addition to others here that is putting me back in reality. Thank you for sharing your strength and your support. Getting angry usually is a motivator for me to get on with things in a bigger and better way. I will re-read these e-mails many times. Thanks. Jan K r18252000 r18252000@...> wrote: I understand that anger. When I was first diagnosed last summer I was mad as hell. Mad at my body, made at God, mad at the unfairness of it all. But you know what, I figured out that cancer can only take what you give it after a point. It took some of my health, it took some of my breast, it took a big part of about 7 months of my life. That I had to give it. The rest is up to me. I can give it anger but I don't have to. I can give it grief but I don't have to. Anything else that I give it is a choice I make and I will NOT give it any more than I absolutely have to. --------------------------------- Any questions? Get answers on any topic at Yahoo! Answers. Try it now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 22, 2007 Report Share Posted February 22, 2007 Jan when you pray have you ever said, God I can't take it anymore I am handing it totally over to you. Continued prayers. Hugs nne Breast Cancer Patients Soul Mates for Life http://www.geocities.com/chucky5741/breastcancerpatients.html BreastCancerStories.com http://www.breastcancerstories.com/content/view/433/161/ Angel Feather Loomer www.angelfeatherloomer.blogspot.com Check out my other ornaments at www.geocities.com/chucky5741/bcornament.html Lots of info and gifts at: www.cancerclub.com Anger Last night I went to a presentation by an oncologist on the newest advances in breast cancer diagnosis and treatments. It was a good presentation and I learned some things. Much to my delight, I had learned a bunch of the same information from things recommended on this website. Felt good about that. At the end of the presentation, there was question and answer time. One of the comments that the oncologist made was that doctors are trying to get to a point that breast cancer is the same as any other chronic disease. Somehow that that statement just hit me wrong. I guess I am naive enough to think that once a person gets through the different methods of treatment, whether it be chemo, radiation or adjutant therapies, there would be some point in time that breast cancer could be a thing of the past in people's lives and except for BSE, mammograms and ultrasound, there would be no need to worry about cancer. Maybe I misinterpreted his statement but I felt a lot of anger. It dawned on me that since my diagnosis of breast cancer and all the stuff after, I have really been in denial. I know in my head that this is all part of the grief process. I know in my head that I have been through a mastectomy and adjutant therapies. I know those things in my head. However, I have not really dealt with the emotions and feelings. I found that I was angry that the breast cancer dare be part of my life when I didn't ask for it. I found that I was angry about doctors' attitudes and that so many women (1 in 8 according to the oncologist) that will be diagnosed with breast cancer before they are 80 years old. I found that I was angry that the only way to start treating breast cancer is through cutting off the breast(s) or cutting out a lump; burning the heck out of the breast(s), and poisoning the system. Then these men (generally men, although some women) doctors continue " killing any potential cancer cells " with these adjutant therapies. I was angry to think that I was one of the 1 in 8 diagnosed with breast cancer and 1 in 9 that have some sort of invasive cancer. I was just angry. I don't know what to do with the anger except to talk about it here. How did you ladies deal with anger? It is a powerful force-anger. And I don't want it to have any more power in my life than I allowed cancer to have. I know that the experience is life changing and that my perspective is really different that it used to be. Some things I am still sorting through. My Victory in the Valley companion told me that after she had a diagnosis of breast cancer and went through the chemo and all the effects from it, that she didn't feel she could trust her body anymore. She said that it was like her body had betrayed her. I guess I understand what she is saying. Sorry this is so long. Breast cancer deals with more than the physical nature of things, just like most every other disease or illness. Somehow this feels different than when I had a thyroidectomy or hysterectomy. I will get over this. However, I feel just like Sally Fields, in Steele Magnolias. It isn't fair. It doesn't make sense. I just want to hit something or someone. I am grateful for each new day, believe me. But I wish that it was before breast cancer. Thanks for listening. Jan K ---------------------------------------------------------- No virus found in this incoming message. Checked by AVG Free Edition. Version: 7.1.412 / Virus Database: 268.18.2/692 - Release Date: 2/18/2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 22, 2007 Report Share Posted February 22, 2007 Oh, yeah and more than once. I said a prayer of surrender the day I found out my diagnosis, placing my life in God's hands. I do that everyday. I also remember the Apostle talking about removing the " thorn in his side " and God denying 's request. Somehow this feels like that, too. I never try to fully understand God's plan for me or anyone else. I just have trust and faith that He is going to use whatever comes my way for His purposes. That keeps me going. It doesn't keep me from having feelings and emotions and questioning those purposes. My favorite verse came to me in a crisis time with my mom several years ago. It is from Psalm 46:10: " Be still, and know that I am God. " Every time that I begin to have questions or things like anger that verse pops in my head. I know then that something positive is coming. The emphasis in that verse given to me is the words I am God. I don't mean to be " preachy " . This is what gets me through. I have never found a way not to have feelings or emotions, negative or positive. I am still trying to learn the lessons on those things. Thanks for asking me something that helped me think. You are the best, nne. Jan K & nne Svihlik moochie1@...> wrote: Jan when you pray have you ever said, God I can't take it anymore I am handing it totally over to you. Continued prayers. Hugs nne Breast Cancer Patients Soul Mates for Life http://www.geocities.com/chucky5741/breastcancerpatients.html BreastCancerStories.com http://www.breastcancerstories.com/content/view/433/161/ Angel Feather Loomer www.angelfeatherloomer.blogspot.com Check out my other ornaments at www.geocities.com/chucky5741/bcornament.html Lots of info and gifts at: www.cancerclub.com Anger Last night I went to a presentation by an oncologist on the newest advances in breast cancer diagnosis and treatments. It was a good presentation and I learned some things. Much to my delight, I had learned a bunch of the same information from things recommended on this website. Felt good about that. At the end of the presentation, there was question and answer time. One of the comments that the oncologist made was that doctors are trying to get to a point that breast cancer is the same as any other chronic disease. Somehow that that statement just hit me wrong. I guess I am naive enough to think that once a person gets through the different methods of treatment, whether it be chemo, radiation or adjutant therapies, there would be some point in time that breast cancer could be a thing of the past in people's lives and except for BSE, mammograms and ultrasound, there would be no need to worry about cancer. Maybe I misinterpreted his statement but I felt a lot of anger. It dawned on me that since my diagnosis of breast cancer and all the stuff after, I have really been in denial. I know in my head that this is all part of the grief process. I know in my head that I have been through a mastectomy and adjutant therapies. I know those things in my head. However, I have not really dealt with the emotions and feelings. I found that I was angry that the breast cancer dare be part of my life when I didn't ask for it. I found that I was angry about doctors' attitudes and that so many women (1 in 8 according to the oncologist) that will be diagnosed with breast cancer before they are 80 years old. I found that I was angry that the only way to start treating breast cancer is through cutting off the breast(s) or cutting out a lump; burning the heck out of the breast(s), and poisoning the system. Then these men (generally men, although some women) doctors continue " killing any potential cancer cells " with these adjutant therapies. I was angry to think that I was one of the 1 in 8 diagnosed with breast cancer and 1 in 9 that have some sort of invasive cancer. I was just angry. I don't know what to do with the anger except to talk about it here. How did you ladies deal with anger? It is a powerful force-anger. And I don't want it to have any more power in my life than I allowed cancer to have. I know that the experience is life changing and that my perspective is really different that it used to be. Some things I am still sorting through. My Victory in the Valley companion told me that after she had a diagnosis of breast cancer and went through the chemo and all the effects from it, that she didn't feel she could trust her body anymore. She said that it was like her body had betrayed her. I guess I understand what she is saying. Sorry this is so long. Breast cancer deals with more than the physical nature of things, just like most every other disease or illness. Somehow this feels different than when I had a thyroidectomy or hysterectomy. I will get over this. However, I feel just like Sally Fields, in Steele Magnolias. It isn't fair. It doesn't make sense. I just want to hit something or someone. I am grateful for each new day, believe me. But I wish that it was before breast cancer. Thanks for listening. Jan K ---------------------------------------------------------- No virus found in this incoming message. Checked by AVG Free Edition. Version: 7.1.412 / Virus Database: 268.18.2/692 - Release Date: 2/18/2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 22, 2007 Report Share Posted February 22, 2007 I was angry because I got a call on a Wed afternoon about 4:20 and was getting ready to leave work...They said to come to the office the next afternoon because they were almost sure it was cancer...I started to cry at work...that was almost 5 years ago May 2002...I was also angry because my Mom passed away suddenly in Sept 2002..she was helping me...I was angry at the world...but you have to get over it and go on with your life. Betsy Note: forwarded message attached. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 23, 2007 Report Share Posted February 23, 2007 I think the anger (for me) lasted about 2 weeks. Then acceptance kicked in. This was about the same time that my doctors outlined the course of action we are taking to kick this thing in the butt!! Over the past 28 years or so, I have worked with people with extreme mental disabilities...some with incredibly healthy beautiful bodies. Personally, I would rather have my body betray me instead of my mind. When I was first diagnosed, I woke up every morning, and the first thought in my mind was, " I have cancer! " Now I wake up with thoughts like, " Gosh! I have to order that cake for the Cub Scout banquet! " or " Do I really want to clean the house today? " Normal will return....it just may be a little different (and hopefully better)than before. Lucinda (Going for A/C #3 of 4 today, then on to Taxol/Herceptin, then surgery, then radiation....WOW!!! What an interesting " How I spent my summer vacation " report for next fall!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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