Advice on How To Support Needed

[Guest guest]

Hello All,

I have been lurking for about a month now and have learned a lot from this

group. Thank you all for sharing.

My best friend for 28 years, Devon, was diagnosed with BC in November. We

are both 40. She was a Peace Corp volunteer and in a remote country at the

time. She was sent to Thailand where they did a lumpectomy and removed a

sentinel lymph node. They discharged her from the Peace Corp and now she is

in the Washington DC area. I live on the west coast. Cells that were pre

cancerous in December are now cancerous and she is scheduled for a

mastectomy next week.

When she was diagnosed and in Thailand, friends and family (she was 6

brothers and sisters) were anxious for news and updates on her health and

mental well-being. She felt overwhelmed, having to have multiple

conversations and tell the same things over and over to everyone. She says

she felt like she lost her privacy. Now that she is back in the States, she

has been distant and remote with everyone. She has shared with me that she

has not decided if she wants to live through this or not. She has said that

she has thought about changing her email address, moving, throwing her cell

phone in the river and just starting over; she is a different person now and

can make new friends when/if she lives through this. She says she is seeing

a grief counselor. Her family is going to fly out to be with her in shifts

over the next several weeks, so she will not be alone during/after the

surgery and as she starts chemo.

I have asked her how I can support her; what she needs. She says she just

wants people to leave her alone. Then she says that she wants everyone to

call her every three weeks or so, like when she was out of the country. I

have struggled so much with this. I could not love her more if she was my

sister. We have been through many tough times in the past including a major

illness I went through 14 years ago. Our relationship has never been so

strained, and I have never felt before like I am walking on eggshells when

we talk. I've told her that I am here for her. I talked to her today for the

first time in a month. She had not returned some voicemails I'd left over

the last week and I was convinced she was either having the surgery or had

just had the surgery and she decided not to tell anyone.

It makes me mad that she is being so withdrawn. Then, I feel guilty for

being mad at my friend with cancer. Today, she said that people are selfish

and when she says she doesn't want to talk about the cancer, people cannot

accept that and then it becomes about their expectations and timelines and

not about her.

This is long, sorry, but what I am looking for in a nutshell is anyone who

has had a similar reaction from a loved one with cancer, or someone who had

the same reaction towards their loved ones as they were/going through it.

I'm desperate! Any insights would be greatly appreciated.

RoRo

[Guest guest]

I already responded in another email, but really, right now you simply have to

respect her wishes and try not to be mad. She is reacting and probably to

overbearing (sounds like) family members. I sure would too. Maybe too she is

just so afraid, who knows, but sending her cards now and then and letting her

know you're always there might be just the thing. Make her feel more 'normal'.

If all the family does is talk about ca and medical stuff, talk about other

things, and send cute animal cards and tell her you know she is inundated with

other questions and you want to add a little normalcy in her life. Getting mad

gets one nowhere. Its her right. I'm sure if Thursday they say I need surgery,

I'll feel mad. Iknow I will. I won't want to deal. Especially if I had a

lumpectomy and thought it was over. Give it time. Let her know you love her. Pat

Advice on How To Support Needed

Hello All,

I have been lurking for about a month now and have learned a lot from this

group. Thank you all for sharing.

My best friend for 28 years, Devon, was diagnosed with BC in November. We

are both 40. She was a Peace Corp volunteer and in a remote country at the

time. She was sent to Thailand where they did a lumpectomy and removed a

sentinel lymph node. They discharged her from the Peace Corp and now she is

in the Washington DC area. I live on the west coast. Cells that were pre

cancerous in December are now cancerous and she is scheduled for a

mastectomy next week.

When she was diagnosed and in Thailand, friends and family (she was 6

brothers and sisters) were anxious for news and updates on her health and

mental well-being. She felt overwhelmed, having to have multiple

conversations and tell the same things over and over to everyone. She says

she felt like she lost her privacy. Now that she is back in the States, she

has been distant and remote with everyone. She has shared with me that she

has not decided if she wants to live through this or not. She has said that

she has thought about changing her email address, moving, throwing her cell

phone in the river and just starting over; she is a different person now and

can make new friends when/if she lives through this. She says she is seeing

a grief counselor. Her family is going to fly out to be with her in shifts

over the next several weeks, so she will not be alone during/after the

surgery and as she starts chemo.

I have asked her how I can support her; what she needs. She says she just

wants people to leave her alone. Then she says that she wants everyone to

call her every three weeks or so, like when she was out of the country. I

have struggled so much with this. I could not love her more if she was my

sister. We have been through many tough times in the past including a major

illness I went through 14 years ago. Our relationship has never been so

strained, and I have never felt before like I am walking on eggshells when

we talk. I've told her that I am here for her. I talked to her today for the

first time in a month. She had not returned some voicemails I'd left over

the last week and I was convinced she was either having the surgery or had

just had the surgery and she decided not to tell anyone.

It makes me mad that she is being so withdrawn. Then, I feel guilty for

being mad at my friend with cancer. Today, she said that people are selfish

and when she says she doesn't want to talk about the cancer, people cannot

accept that and then it becomes about their expectations and timelines and

not about her.

This is long, sorry, but what I am looking for in a nutshell is anyone who

has had a similar reaction from a loved one with cancer, or someone who had

the same reaction towards their loved ones as they were/going through it.

I'm desperate! Any insights would be greatly appreciated.

RoRo

[Guest guest]

Perhaps you could offer to be the go between. When I was diagnosed, I

gave that job to my daughter. I supplied her with all the email

addresses in a group format. she sent out a general email telling

everyone that if there were any questions or concerns, about me, that

she could be contacted. She let everyone know when I was having

surgery and how I was doing afterwards. She coordinated meals from

family and friends. I agree with Pat on sending cards, preferably

snail mail. I still have the cards and they were and still are so

comforting to read! Hope this helps.

Ruth

>

> Advice on How To Support Needed

>

>

> Hello All,

>

> I have been lurking for about a month now and have learned a lot

from this

> group. Thank you all for sharing.

>

> My best friend for 28 years, Devon, was diagnosed with BC in

November. We

> are both 40. She was a Peace Corp volunteer and in a remote country

at the

> time. She was sent to Thailand where they did a lumpectomy and removed a

> sentinel lymph node. They discharged her from the Peace Corp and now

she is

> in the Washington DC area. I live on the west coast. Cells that were pre

> cancerous in December are now cancerous and she is scheduled for a

> mastectomy next week.

>

> When she was diagnosed and in Thailand, friends and family (she was 6

> brothers and sisters) were anxious for news and updates on her

health and

> mental well-being. She felt overwhelmed, having to have multiple

> conversations and tell the same things over and over to everyone.

She says

> she felt like she lost her privacy. Now that she is back in the

States, she

> has been distant and remote with everyone. She has shared with me

that she

> has not decided if she wants to live through this or not. She has

said that

> she has thought about changing her email address, moving, throwing

her cell

> phone in the river and just starting over; she is a different person

now and

> can make new friends when/if she lives through this. She says she is

seeing

> a grief counselor. Her family is going to fly out to be with her in

shifts

> over the next several weeks, so she will not be alone during/after the

> surgery and as she starts chemo.

>

> I have asked her how I can support her; what she needs. She says she

just

> wants people to leave her alone. Then she says that she wants

everyone to

> call her every three weeks or so, like when she was out of the

country. I

> have struggled so much with this. I could not love her more if she

was my

> sister. We have been through many tough times in the past including

a major

> illness I went through 14 years ago. Our relationship has never been so

> strained, and I have never felt before like I am walking on

eggshells when

> we talk. I've told her that I am here for her. I talked to her today

for the

> first time in a month. She had not returned some voicemails I'd left

over

> the last week and I was convinced she was either having the surgery

or had

> just had the surgery and she decided not to tell anyone.

>

> It makes me mad that she is being so withdrawn. Then, I feel guilty for

> being mad at my friend with cancer. Today, she said that people are

selfish

> and when she says she doesn't want to talk about the cancer, people

cannot

> accept that and then it becomes about their expectations and

timelines and

> not about her.

>

> This is long, sorry, but what I am looking for in a nutshell is

anyone who

> has had a similar reaction from a loved one with cancer, or someone

who had

> the same reaction towards their loved ones as they were/going

through it.

>

> I'm desperate! Any insights would be greatly appreciated.

>

> RoRo

>

>

[Guest guest]

It sounds like your friend is very angry and taking it out on everyone. I can

certainly understand her being upset with her family though if she had to keep

repeating over and over.

Why don't you suggest being a go between or ask her if she has a family member

that would do it. Explain to her that this way she wouldn't feel like she was

loosing her privacy.

If you lived close you could offer to drive her to treatments, do shopping or

clean the house. But you are too far away. If you can why not send her some

cards or if you can afford it some flowers or a small gift. Let her know you are

there for her BUT will not be pushy. I will keep you both in my prayers. Do you

think she would like to join us?

Hugs

nne

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Advice on How To Support Needed

Hello All,

I have been lurking for about a month now and have learned a lot from this

group. Thank you all for sharing.

My best friend for 28 years, Devon, was diagnosed with BC in November. We

are both 40. She was a Peace Corp volunteer and in a remote country at the

time. She was sent to Thailand where they did a lumpectomy and removed a

sentinel lymph node. They discharged her from the Peace Corp and now she is

in the Washington DC area. I live on the west coast. Cells that were pre

cancerous in December are now cancerous and she is scheduled for a

mastectomy next week.

When she was diagnosed and in Thailand, friends and family (she was 6

brothers and sisters) were anxious for news and updates on her health and

mental well-being. She felt overwhelmed, having to have multiple

conversations and tell the same things over and over to everyone. She says

she felt like she lost her privacy. Now that she is back in the States, she

has been distant and remote with everyone. She has shared with me that she

has not decided if she wants to live through this or not. She has said that

she has thought about changing her email address, moving, throwing her cell

phone in the river and just starting over; she is a different person now and

can make new friends when/if she lives through this. She says she is seeing

a grief counselor. Her family is going to fly out to be with her in shifts

over the next several weeks, so she will not be alone during/after the

surgery and as she starts chemo.

I have asked her how I can support her; what she needs. She says she just

wants people to leave her alone. Then she says that she wants everyone to

call her every three weeks or so, like when she was out of the country. I

have struggled so much with this. I could not love her more if she was my

sister. We have been through many tough times in the past including a major

illness I went through 14 years ago. Our relationship has never been so

strained, and I have never felt before like I am walking on eggshells when

we talk. I've told her that I am here for her. I talked to her today for the

first time in a month. She had not returned some voicemails I'd left over

the last week and I was convinced she was either having the surgery or had

just had the surgery and she decided not to tell anyone.

It makes me mad that she is being so withdrawn. Then, I feel guilty for

being mad at my friend with cancer. Today, she said that people are selfish

and when she says she doesn't want to talk about the cancer, people cannot

accept that and then it becomes about their expectations and timelines and

not about her.

This is long, sorry, but what I am looking for in a nutshell is anyone who

has had a similar reaction from a loved one with cancer, or someone who had

the same reaction towards their loved ones as they were/going through it.

I'm desperate! Any insights would be greatly appreciated.

RoRo

[Guest guest]

RoRo:

Cancer, as you can tell from this website, is difficult for this with the

diagnosis. There is a lot to deal with initially. It is scary and some much is

out of a person's control.

A friend of my husband and I says that his wife withdrew when she was

diagnosed and now that she is three out from the mastectomy she just doesn't

want to discuss anything about cancer or her experience. He also told me that

it was tough for him but he learned to live with it. He said he could never in a

millon years imagine how hard this is for the patient.

My hubby was a great support. He was simply there, whether I needed him or

not. He was just there. He wasn't pushy, didn't tell me this was all in my

head, or any other things he could have done. He went with me to appointments,

allowed me to make my own decisions and supported whatever the decision was. He

was simply there.

Sometimes there is nothing that anyone can do except " be there. "

We are here for you, too. My prayers are already on there way for your

comfort, help and support.

Elkin maryelkin@...> wrote:

Hello All,

I have been lurking for about a month now and have learned a lot from this

group. Thank you all for sharing.

My best friend for 28 years, Devon, was diagnosed with BC in November. We

are both 40. She was a Peace Corp volunteer and in a remote country at the

time. She was sent to Thailand where they did a lumpectomy and removed a

sentinel lymph node. They discharged her from the Peace Corp and now she is

in the Washington DC area. I live on the west coast. Cells that were pre

cancerous in December are now cancerous and she is scheduled for a

mastectomy next week.

When she was diagnosed and in Thailand, friends and family (she was 6

brothers and sisters) were anxious for news and updates on her health and

mental well-being. She felt overwhelmed, having to have multiple

conversations and tell the same things over and over to everyone. She says

she felt like she lost her privacy. Now that she is back in the States, she

has been distant and remote with everyone. She has shared with me that she

has not decided if she wants to live through this or not. She has said that

she has thought about changing her email address, moving, throwing her cell

phone in the river and just starting over; she is a different person now and

can make new friends when/if she lives through this. She says she is seeing

a grief counselor. Her family is going to fly out to be with her in shifts

over the next several weeks, so she will not be alone during/after the

surgery and as she starts chemo.

I have asked her how I can support her; what she needs. She says she just

wants people to leave her alone. Then she says that she wants everyone to

call her every three weeks or so, like when she was out of the country. I

have struggled so much with this. I could not love her more if she was my

sister. We have been through many tough times in the past including a major

illness I went through 14 years ago. Our relationship has never been so

strained, and I have never felt before like I am walking on eggshells when

we talk. I've told her that I am here for her. I talked to her today for the

first time in a month. She had not returned some voicemails I'd left over

the last week and I was convinced she was either having the surgery or had

just had the surgery and she decided not to tell anyone.

It makes me mad that she is being so withdrawn. Then, I feel guilty for

being mad at my friend with cancer. Today, she said that people are selfish

and when she says she doesn't want to talk about the cancer, people cannot

accept that and then it becomes about their expectations and timelines and

not about her.

This is long, sorry, but what I am looking for in a nutshell is anyone who

has had a similar reaction from a loved one with cancer, or someone who had

the same reaction towards their loved ones as they were/going through it.

I'm desperate! Any insights would be greatly appreciated.

RoRo

[Guest guest]

Hi: by my experience, first i didn't want people to know i had breast cancer

because i didn't want them to feel sorry for me, and also there are times you

just want to be disconnected an think about other thinks and there are people

asking you everyday the same it will made you mad, i just don't answer the phone

when i don't wanna talk, and when i feel to talk i return the calls, in general

my family and friends are so discrets and i guess sometimes are afraid to ask me

thinks about my cancer, so, whe i feel to talk i do it and then listen and ask

about it.

I hope it help you with your friend, just try to help her to have a normal

live and talk about it if she do it first.

Anggy.

---------------------------------

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[Guest guest]

Your friend is going through many different kinds of emotions right now. Don't

take to heart what she says to you. She is floundering it seems and just knowing

you are there for her no matter what she says must be a comfort. You are her

sounding board and cannot take anything personally.

I send out a general e-mail to all of my relatives and friends and this way I

do not have to repeat myself with phone calls. Its like a public Journal for me

as I tell them everything I feel. I have included pictures of me receiving Chemo

and one with me wearing a hat and a wig. I hear back from some and not from

others but at least they know what is going on in my life. I have rec'd many,

many beautiful cards that mean the world to me especially the ones that say I am

in their prayers or they have put me on their prayer list at church.

Keep calling your friend and keeping in touch, if she does not want to talk

that day ok - you will call another day but believe me she NEEDS you.

God Bless

doloresrose.scent-team.com

Once you try Mia Bella candles there will be no other!

CIAO! DEEBELLA

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