Re: New Here, a Guy Needing Help from Velvet 2

[Guest guest]

Hi CB.

I messed this up:-

Just for your information, your wife could have an ultrasound examination

rather than a mammogram. Mammos are not the only way of discovering

abnormalities and are less painful, no radiation (although what is used in

mammos is a tiny 'safe' ( so say the researchers) dose.

Should read:-

Just for your information, your wife could have an ultrasound examination

rather than a mammogram. Mammos are not the only way of discovering

abnormalities, ultrasound examinations are painfree, no radiation although what

is used in mammos is a tiny 'safe' ( so say the researchers) dose.

sorry, LOL Velvet x (UK)

velvet girling osteonecrosisjaw@...> wrote:

Hello CB.

I am not a guy but can offer you a few words to help. We aren't strangers, we

are brothers and sisters, I applaud your courage and honesty in contacting the

group, revealing your innermost thoughts and fears. How very brave you are.

I won't comment on the causes of cancer, the stages etc. because I feel this

information would be too much to take on board, I sense that you are in need of

emotional support right now.

First of all we do have gents on the list ~ not many granted but they are here

and of course you are so very welcome.

In my own case I had to speak to my sons, they are twin 33 year olds and were 22

when I first had cancer, so speaking accross the genders and/or the generations

is not impossible.

One thing that strikes me is that you are trying to take so much on. Why?

But it's not all about talking it's about listening too and maybe analise just a

bit. I see your father in some kind of denial, he simply doesn't want to take on

the gravity of the situation, he isn't for various reasons taking this on board.

And it is so very hard to do. OK so you are embarrassed at naming parts of the

body, well use a word/s you are comfortable with, no one is making you use

medical terms, but communication is the key point here and do it in whichever

way, the best and the most comfortable way you can. Have you tried sharing your

feelings with your wife? Might she be the one to listen to your mother? Could

you talk and listen together with her?

I know it is a very difficult time for your mum but we, here, recognise how

difficult it is for you too. My sons have talked it through with me, sharing

their frustrations, their anger, their pain etc. so I know it can be done and I

understand the turmoil you are in at this moment as I did my sons. Later I had

to speak to my father in his late 80's, far from easy, with his reluctance to

speak from the heart but he listened..... and then I listened..... and for the

first time ever we grew really close, a closeness I never thought was possible.

Years later he said how it had freed him to be able to say exactly what he felt,

without criticism, without judgement and he heard words that he had only dared

to whisper to himself before, words that he only just dared to think.

One thing I think you can do is to offer to go with your mother to see the

oncologist, talk to her about your feelings as well as hers, later, ask her some

direct questions, such as do you think this disease will beat you? And if she

does then it is up to you to persuade her how much you love her and how much you

will support her if she chooses chemotherapy and is prepared to fight or

whatever path she chooses. I must also add that she may have chosen a path that

is not to your liking, something you disagree with and then you have to accept

and respect her wishes. I bet your mother is only too aware of her situation and

could well be in need of a good listener to hear her out. Let her do most of the

talking. Once you have established a good level of communication and have

discovered her wishes then approach the subject of her final wishes but allow

her to feel comfortable speaking to you on this new level before trying to move

on to the area of dying, death and final

plans. Allow her to gain her confidence in talking to you as well as you to her.

I have to tell you that whatever she says must be held in the utmost confidence,

this means if your father asks what has been said you have to find a way of

easing his mind without breaking a confidence. White lies are OK.

And you are not the only person to help you with this. I don't know if you have

a religion but the local ministers are very well equipped in helping and talking

things through. Either you all as a family, part or just to yourself. There no

doubt is a local support group too and can be found by ringing the oncology

department at the hospital. You can also ring your minister and 'chat' over the

phone rather than a face to face meeting which can be a bit awkward. My feelings

are that you are desparate for help but just not finding it. Only you can make

these approaches and the beauty of the telephone just makes it a whole lot

easier. Female groups are generally open to guys too so just ring and ask.

Just for your information, your wife could have an ultrasound examination rather

than a mammogram. Mammos are not the only way of discovering abnormalities and

are less painful, no radiation (although what is used in mammos is a tiny 'safe'

( so say the researchers) dose.

Reach out, ring round and find the support you need.

I wish you all the best, I can tell from your email that you are a very strong

guy, please come back to us and let us know how you all are. I sincerely hope my

few words are of some comfort, some assistance and takes the pressure off.

Most sincerly and love to you all, Velvet (UK)

blue_my_mind blue_my_mind@...> wrote:

Hello, I am CB and am 40 something male. My mom is battling for her

life right now and I really don't know how to help her or what to say.

She never got mammograms because she was past menopause and had

breastfed 5 kids, so she figured no risk. So once they caught it, there

was already a lot of advancement. They did surgery and radiation, but

she declined chemotherapy. There are spots in her lungs that to me look

like BBs on the x-rays. Latest is a new tumor that has grown up

directly below the scar from her initial surgery on her chest.

So I'm dealing with a few things. One is that I don't know how to talk

to my mom about it. I get embarrassed even saying the word 'breast'

around her, I know that is silly but I'm trying to be honest. I also

don't know how to talk with her about death and making plans. Sure I

want a miracle, but the Drs are not holding out much hope. I don't know

how to find out what plans she wants to make and all of that without

sounding like I have given up on her, which I haven't. My father is in

his own world and just says she is 'having female problems'. He has

actually said not to use the word cancer in his house because 'they

don't know everything'. He suggested that maybe they were just saying

she has cancer as a way to make money because 'she looks fine'. To top

it off, all of the support networks around here are exclusive to women,

and I understand that totally. But guys have to deal with this as well

and it's tough with no resources.

Finally, my own wife's mother had double mastectomy about 5 yrs ago.

Doing great now because they caught everything early. But my wife flat

out refuses to have a mammogram and it scares me so badly. She is of

the genuine belief that the two causes of breast cancer are birth

control pills, which she doesn't take, and the radiation from the

mammograms. She is not a bumpkin, she is a bright intelligent

professional woman, but she has formulated this scenario where she is

not at risk. Just like my mother did. I don't think I could go on

without her, but if I argue with her and try to force her to go, she

just gets firmer in her refusal.

So this is a lot, and I'm not trying to throw all this onto strangers.

But I am open and willing to listen to any advice from folks who have

been there. Especially I would like to hear from other guys.

---------------------------------

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[Guest guest]

Excellent idea! Though I would guess its her fear holding her back. It sounds

that way to me. Might want to get both of you to a therapist to talk about it.

I'm serious. She's risking her life over this fear. Its irrational. You say

she's smart. Why then do people have CA without ever having a mammo? Point out

the obvious, and let her know you understand she is afraid, but its something

she must face. Just a thought here. I'm sure she is smart, and sometimes that

works against us! Pat

Re: New Here, a Guy Needing Help from Velvet 2

Hi CB.

I messed this up:-

Just for your information, your wife could have an ultrasound examination rather

than a mammogram. Mammos are not the only way of discovering abnormalities and

are less painful, no radiation (although what is used in mammos is a tiny 'safe'

( so say the researchers) dose.

Should read:-

Just for your information, your wife could have an ultrasound examination rather

than a mammogram. Mammos are not the only way of discovering abnormalities,

ultrasound examinations are painfree, no radiation although what is used in

mammos is a tiny 'safe' ( so say the researchers) dose.

sorry, LOL Velvet x (UK)

velvet girling osteonecrosisjaw@...> wrote:

Hello CB.

I am not a guy but can offer you a few words to help. We aren't strangers, we

are brothers and sisters, I applaud your courage and honesty in contacting the

group, revealing your innermost thoughts and fears. How very brave you are.

I won't comment on the causes of cancer, the stages etc. because I feel this

information would be too much to take on board, I sense that you are in need of

emotional support right now.

First of all we do have gents on the list ~ not many granted but they are here

and of course you are so very welcome.

In my own case I had to speak to my sons, they are twin 33 year olds and were 22

when I first had cancer, so speaking accross the genders and/or the generations

is not impossible.

One thing that strikes me is that you are trying to take so much on. Why?

But it's not all about talking it's about listening too and maybe analise just a

bit. I see your father in some kind of denial, he simply doesn't want to take on

the gravity of the situation, he isn't for various reasons taking this on board.

And it is so very hard to do. OK so you are embarrassed at naming parts of the

body, well use a word/s you are comfortable with, no one is making you use

medical terms, but communication is the key point here and do it in whichever

way, the best and the most comfortable way you can. Have you tried sharing your

feelings with your wife? Might she be the one to listen to your mother? Could

you talk and listen together with her?

I know it is a very difficult time for your mum but we, here, recognise how

difficult it is for you too. My sons have talked it through with me, sharing

their frustrations, their anger, their pain etc. so I know it can be done and I

understand the turmoil you are in at this moment as I did my sons. Later I had

to speak to my father in his late 80's, far from easy, with his reluctance to

speak from the heart but he listened..... and then I listened..... and for the

first time ever we grew really close, a closeness I never thought was possible.

Years later he said how it had freed him to be able to say exactly what he felt,

without criticism, without judgement and he heard words that he had only dared

to whisper to himself before, words that he only just dared to think.

One thing I think you can do is to offer to go with your mother to see the

oncologist, talk to her about your feelings as well as hers, later, ask her some

direct questions, such as do you think this disease will beat you? And if she

does then it is up to you to persuade her how much you love her and how much you

will support her if she chooses chemotherapy and is prepared to fight or

whatever path she chooses. I must also add that she may have chosen a path that

is not to your liking, something you disagree with and then you have to accept

and respect her wishes. I bet your mother is only too aware of her situation and

could well be in need of a good listener to hear her out. Let her do most of the

talking. Once you have established a good level of communication and have

discovered her wishes then approach the subject of her final wishes but allow

her to feel comfortable speaking to you on this new level before trying to move

on to the area of dying, death and final

plans. Allow her to gain her confidence in talking to you as well as you to her.

I have to tell you that whatever she says must be held in the utmost confidence,

this means if your father asks what has been said you have to find a way of

easing his mind without breaking a confidence. White lies are OK.

And you are not the only person to help you with this. I don't know if you have

a religion but the local ministers are very well equipped in helping and talking

things through. Either you all as a family, part or just to yourself. There no

doubt is a local support group too and can be found by ringing the oncology

department at the hospital. You can also ring your minister and 'chat' over the

phone rather than a face to face meeting which can be a bit awkward. My feelings

are that you are desparate for help but just not finding it. Only you can make

these approaches and the beauty of the telephone just makes it a whole lot

easier. Female groups are generally open to guys too so just ring and ask.

Just for your information, your wife could have an ultrasound examination rather

than a mammogram. Mammos are not the only way of discovering abnormalities and

are less painful, no radiation (although what is used in mammos is a tiny 'safe'

( so say the researchers) dose.

Reach out, ring round and find the support you need.

I wish you all the best, I can tell from your email that you are a very strong

guy, please come back to us and let us know how you all are. I sincerely hope my

few words are of some comfort, some assistance and takes the pressure off.

Most sincerly and love to you all, Velvet (UK)

blue_my_mind blue_my_mind@...> wrote:

Hello, I am CB and am 40 something male. My mom is battling for her

life right now and I really don't know how to help her or what to say.

She never got mammograms because she was past menopause and had

breastfed 5 kids, so she figured no risk. So once they caught it, there

was already a lot of advancement. They did surgery and radiation, but

she declined chemotherapy. There are spots in her lungs that to me look

like BBs on the x-rays. Latest is a new tumor that has grown up

directly below the scar from her initial surgery on her chest.

So I'm dealing with a few things. One is that I don't know how to talk

to my mom about it. I get embarrassed even saying the word 'breast'

around her, I know that is silly but I'm trying to be honest. I also

don't know how to talk with her about death and making plans. Sure I

want a miracle, but the Drs are not holding out much hope. I don't know

how to find out what plans she wants to make and all of that without

sounding like I have given up on her, which I haven't. My father is in

his own world and just says she is 'having female problems'. He has

actually said not to use the word cancer in his house because 'they

don't know everything'. He suggested that maybe they were just saying

she has cancer as a way to make money because 'she looks fine'. To top

it off, all of the support networks around here are exclusive to women,

and I understand that totally. But guys have to deal with this as well

and it's tough with no resources.

Finally, my own wife's mother had double mastectomy about 5 yrs ago.

Doing great now because they caught everything early. But my wife flat

out refuses to have a mammogram and it scares me so badly. She is of

the genuine belief that the two causes of breast cancer are birth

control pills, which she doesn't take, and the radiation from the

mammograms. She is not a bumpkin, she is a bright intelligent

professional woman, but she has formulated this scenario where she is

not at risk. Just like my mother did. I don't think I could go on

without her, but if I argue with her and try to force her to go, she

just gets firmer in her refusal.

So this is a lot, and I'm not trying to throw all this onto strangers.

But I am open and willing to listen to any advice from folks who have

been there. Especially I would like to hear from other guys.

---------------------------------

New Yahoo! Mail is the ultimate force in competitive emailing. Find out more at

the Yahoo! Mail Championships. Plus: play games and win prizes.