{Disarmed} RE: Study: Alligators Dangerous No Matter How Drunk You Are

[Guest guest]

They seem to have the same problem with drunk gator wrestlers we have with drunk

rattlesnake wranglers.

Re: Study: Alligators Dangerous No Matter How Drunk You

Are

Ok, now what if the Gator is under the influence?

" Bledsoe, DO " <bbledsoe@... <mailto:bbledsoe%40earthlink.net> >

wrote:

BATON ROUGE, LA-In a breakthrough study that contradicts decades of

understanding about the nature of alligator-drunkard relations, Louisiana

State University researchers have concluded that people's drunkenness does

not impair the ancient reptiles' ability to inflict enormous physical harm.

Alligators exhibit the potential to inflict serious harm, regardless of the

blood-alcohol levels of their victims.

" Our data strongly indicates that human intoxication does not transform an

alligator into a docile creature that enjoys wrestling, " said professor

Ryder McCrory, chair of the Wildlife Taunting Department of LSU's

prestigious Center For Bullying And Hazing Studies. " Despite its slow-witted

demeanor and tendency to bask motionlessly in the hot sun, it's a mistake to

believe that an alligator will passively tolerate a half nelson, no matter

how much Southern Comfort is fueling it. "

McCrory said the study yielded statistics that speak for themselves. " In 10

out of 10 documented cases of violent alligator-drunkard encounters, the

reptile was not influenced by the fact that the victim was 'just kidding' or

'just having some fun,' " McCrory said. To an alligator, McCrory explained, a

human forearm, even drunkenly dangled between the creature's casually opened

jaws, still appears to be prey.

In field experiments, members of the control group performed no better--and

often far worse-than their sober counterparts in defending themselves

against a 300-pound, seven-foot bull alligator. Even when armed with an

empty tequila bottle.

" At best, the bottles bounced harmlessly off the alligator's snout, " said

LSU research assistant Sawyer.

When placed in water, the drunken volunteers fared even worse, and the

alligator markedly better, Sawyer said.

In addition, the alligators far outperformed their inebriated human

counterparts in the following areas: lunging, biting, crushing,

dismembering, and swallowing.

According to the study, an alligator's characteristic grin should not be

interpreted as a lighthearted reaction to the outrageous nerve of an

alcohol-addled human. " Don't let an alligator's easygoing appearance fool

you, " Sawyer said. " These creatures have no empathy for drunken pranksters

looking for fun. They are not black bears. "

McCrory recommended that alligator wrestling be undertaken solely by

professionals, specifically roadside-attraction proprietors. For drunkards

interested in proving their mettle with alligators, the researchers proposed

these guidelines:

Instead of baiting an alligator, seek another form of drunken recreation,

such as attending a strip club, burning a pile of tires, or painting one's

buttocks with a funny face and videotaping it.

Sick or infant deer are considered a far safer match for most inebriated

humans; kicking a raccoon or squirrel already dying by the side of the road

is also recommended.

Experts suggest that those who become aggressive after consuming alcohol

would be safer channeling that energy into more constructive behavior, such

as calling an ex-lover.

And McCrory warned drunkards who " absolutely must assault an alligator while

inebriated " to first make sure it is not a Deere Gator cargo utility

vehicle. This oversight " is a common occurrence, " he said.