Cheerleading for parents

[Guest guest]

I posted this on Eva's site but I thought some people might need

this now so....

By Dan Coulter

I've had a taste of acclaim a number of times in my life.

The first time that stands out was riding on the bus to an " away "

basketball game in junior high school. The cheerleaders were doing

that " Bill, Bill, he's our man, if he can't do it, can... "

thing where they go through the names of everyone on the team. Even

though I was on the second string and the girl leading the cheer had

to refer to the program at each name to make sure she didn't miss

anyone, it was very heady stuff to hear, " Stan, Stan, he's our man,

if he can't do it, Dan can! Dan, Dan, He's our man " Of course, it

was only five seconds of fame, followed by the unsettling assurance

that if I couldn't do it, the next guy down the roster could.

Still, for those few seconds, I got to hear my name chanted by a

busload of cheerleaders and imagine I was the subject of hero

worship.

Everyone could use that kind of positive reinforcement once in a

while. Trouble is, we rarely get it when we most deserve it.

This week, I was reading an autism-related magazine and was really

drawn into an article about parents who were devoting tremendous

amounts of time and effort to helping their kids who are on the

spectrum. I admired these parents. They really deserved to be

written up, especially in a magazine that's read by people who can

appreciate their situation.

It made me think about all the other parents of kids on the spectrum

who are trying their best, but often get met with criticism or

misunderstanding.

Raising a child who's on the autism spectrum is tough. To be fair,

it's hard for anyone who hasn't been involved to understand just how

tough it is. When my son, Drew, was in grade school, he hadn't yet

been diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome. We were working under the

diagnoses of " communication handicapped " and " ADHD. " I remember

talking with a colleague at my office, describing his difficult

behaviors. Her reaction was, " But isn't that just normal boy

stuff? " No echoes of cheerleaders chanting my name in that

conversation.

Because most people don't understand what's involved, we parents of

kids on the spectrum have a smaller universe of people who can

appreciate what we do. I was talking with Lori Shery, president of

the ASPEN support group, the other day about the things that special

needs support groups have to offer. One of the things she mentioned

was sharing our kids' accomplishments at meetings, " Other parents

might say, `Well, that's no big deal,' but it is, it's a very big

deal to us. "

People who don't appreciate what's involved can't give us the

positive reinforcement that can help us through the tough times.

The more alone you are, the easier it is to doubt yourself or wonder

if you're making the right decisions.

That's why I think it's important to be a part of a community of

people who understand. While we're working to educate the world

about our kids, it really helps to be in contact with people who

already have a clue.

Support groups can be great. We're members of the ASPEN

organization, the MAAP organization and the local chapter of the

Autism Society of America, among others. ASPEN and MAAP focus on

higher-functioning conditions on the autism spectrum, such as

Asperger Syndrome, while the ASA addresses the entire spectrum.

Because we've been involved with ASPEN the longest, I'll say a few

words about how it's helped us. We joined a local ASPEN chapter

while we lived in New Jersey and kept our membership when we moved

to North Carolina. In New Jersey, my wife, , and I took turns

going to the meetings so one of us could stay home with our kids. I

remember how reassuring the ASPEN meetings were; especially right

after Drew was diagnosed. Professionals came to the meetings to

speak and answer questions. Later, parents could trade info and

compare notes. Every time we realized we were doing something

right, it helped lower our anxiety level.

I also subscribe to a number of online autism-related forums where

people share information, concerns and support. Online forums are

great because you can access them from wherever you live.

So here's my pitch.

Let's all make it a point to compliment another parent every chance

we get on what he or she is doing. I don't mean just when you see

them do something outstanding. Look for something they're doing

that you agree with or admire and let them know. Maybe you'll tell

a support group leader you really appreciate her volunteering to

organize and run meetings. Maybe you'll tell another parent who

shared a difficulty that you appreciate how he dealt with the

situation. Maybe you'll hug your spouse and say how much you

appreciate his or her patience. But look for opportunities to give

that jolt of encouragement and approval.

It costs us nothing, but it can mean the world. And praising others

may just spark someone to tell you what a great job you're doing

when you really need to hear it.

If the moment's really special, you may just capture that junior

high school feeling of having a whole squad of cheerleaders chanting

your name.

I bet you deserve it.

Crystal mom to (11), (3), and Eva (23 month old CHARGEr)

wife to Dan in Illinos

[Guest guest]

Crystal-

That's going in my file of stuff to share! Very pertinent right now when so

many of us are really needing a pat on the back.

Hugs and high fives-

Michele W