medical humor

[Guest guest]

because we've all been there....

Five Medical Jokes to Brighten Your Day

You’ve probably heard that laughter is the best medicine, and, indeed, laughter is one of the key ingredients to staying healthy. From relieving anxiety and stress to keeping a positive outlook, a good hearty laugh at least once a day is certainly something to strive for. Take a look at the medical jokes below to get your laughing started right now.

A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?"

The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand 15 feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer and asking the question until she hears you."

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands 15 feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?" He gets no response, so he moves to 10 feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet--still no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!"

A List of Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:

Oops! Has anyone seen my watch? Come back with that! Bad Dog! Wait a minute. If this is his spleen, then what's that? Hand me that ... uh ... that uh ... thingy There go the lights again ... Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us. What do you mean, he's not insured? FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"OK," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test. The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?"

"274" is his reply.

The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling and says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

"Tuesday," replies the second man.

The doctor shakes his head sadly then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"

"Nine," says the third man.

"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"

"Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday."

A woman went to see her doctor. After about 15 minutes with one of the new doctors, she went screaming down the hall. Another doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was and she explained.

The second doctor went back to the first and said, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old. She has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor simply smiled and said, "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"

Real Excerpts from Medical Records That are Sure to Make You Laugh

If you’re looking for a good laugh then keep on reading. I received the following excerpts from medical records in an e-mail and thought you’d find them as amusing as I did. Laughing and smiling is truly an important part of health. The following quotes were taken from actual medical records, as dictated by physicians

"Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities."

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. , who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

"Discharge status: Alive but without permission.."

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

She is numb from her toes down.

The skin was moist and dry.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room