Pathologies of Hope/Marisa

[Guest guest]

Marisa,

yup, that was the same website I tried. Like you said the article was

not up yet, so it was not just me not being able to locate it...-)))

I am eager to read the entire thing, as I too have some mixed

emotions about the " pink wave " . This last October was my first breast

cancer awareness month as a surivor and boy did I look at things

differently. I think I can relate to were you are coming from

somewhat and I for one believe that it is NO ONES business as to how

one deals with breast cancer and her/his reality. We ALL react

different and have to find OUR OWN way of coping/living with the

cards we were dealt. Being positive is a HUGE part of the journey,

but to be too positive can set you up for a fall. One has to find the

balance, is that not why it is called a journey?

You keep on doing what you are doing, that is what has gotten you to

this point !!! I think you are showing your son what a strong person

you are and everything you had to overcome to get were you are. I

think you are being a wonderful role model in the face of adversity.

(((((Hugs)))))

Caren

[Guest guest]

>

> yup, that was the same website I tried. Like you said the article

was

> not up yet, so it was not just me not being able to locate it...-

)))

well, i would imagine that they *do8 want folks to but the

magazine

>

> I am eager to read the entire thing, as I too have some mixed

> emotions about the " pink wave " . This last October was my first

breast

> cancer awareness month as a surivor and boy did I look at things

> differently. I think I can relate to were you are coming from

> somewhat and I for one believe that it is NO ONES business as to

how

> one deals with breast cancer and her/his reality. We ALL react

> different and have to find OUR OWN way of coping/living with the

> cards we were dealt. Being positive is a HUGE part of the journey,

> but to be too positive can set you up for a fall.

and how long can you keep it up?! --it feels like a facade

sometimes...

One has to find the balance, is that not why it is called a

journey?

>

exactly! and to deny, or, worse, medicate, other legitimate

feelings really does us a disservice, and is, i think,

infantalizing...

> You keep on doing what you are doing, that is what has gotten you

to

> this point !!! I think you are showing your son what a strong

person

> you are and everything you had to overcome to get were you are. I

> think you are being a wonderful role model in the face of

adversity.

thank you.

>

> (((((Hugs)))))

> Caren

>

caren - i'll email you off list as well, but I'd be happy to xerox

and mail the essay to you...

marisa

[Guest guest]

Marisa:

Emotions are really funny things, aren't they? What a catch 22 we are in with

this breast cancer thing! Both staying positive and having hope are really

important to healing, or so I am told. Somewhere in all of that, though, is the

reality of what we are going through. Yet, if we don't face the reality of this

disease, we cannot keep on top of treatment, understanding what the docs are

saying, etc.

People who respond to you in the way that a woman did hasn't " walked in your

shoes " or if she has then, she either forgot what it was like or her situation

was entirely different or something like that.

I was taking care of a lady, before my mastectomy, who had had a mastectomy

and chemo and radiation and about 6 years ago was considered to be cancer free.

Then the cancer came back in the other breast plus it mastasized in the bone.

She was in so much pain. The Friday before my surgery, I told her that I was

not coming back because I was having a mastectomy on the next Monday. She was

so compassionate and so helpful with her comments. She did try to instill hope

in me even though I confided in her that I was not so hopeful. I wanted to be,

but my gut was telling me different. She understood. She was undergoing weekly

chemo at the time and wasn't ready to give it up. Finally, she died about two

weeks ago. I was so sad but I really understood where she was coming from. Her

hope, for her, was beyond what this world can ever give. She did instill that

hope somewhat in me, too, at a time that I couldn't see the hope.

Thanks for sharing your feelings and your frustrations. I don't have all the

answers and frankly don't want to have all the answers. Just getting through

each day and minute and second is enough for now.

I care and always will for you and all the sisters here.

Jan K

marisa msteffers@...> wrote:

it's http://harpers.org

but as I suspected, the latest articles they have there are from last

month...

what bothers me about the " rah rah be positive " drek! is that it

negates *real* experience and *real* feelings---and somehow sends the

message that those feelings are wrong, or at least, shouldn't be

articulated...I rememebr a woman said to me... " you should give your

son a normal childhood " ... WTF!!!

(my son is 8 - his father died in an accident two years ago; and I

have breast cancer...)

I was so angry at that statement! I thought *this* is his childhood.

and I HATE that he has to deal with this shit! becasue I love him more

than anything else on this planet!

but, you know, the reality is, his dad *did* die;i *did* have breast

cancer, and had surgery and went through chemo, and suffered the

horrific side effects...hard to smile in the face of all that...and

unrealistic to diminish, or erase it, IYKWIM...

so while i understand the " positive attitude " mantra--it really does

annoy me, because it seems like if we express anything other

than " positiveness " --it's dismissed, or negated, or worse, that we're

doing something " wrong " ...

human beings are so much more complex than that...

marisa

>

> marisa,

> thanks for pointing out the article, do you happen to have a direct

> link to a website???? i am having truble locating it online and

would

> like to read it.

> thanks, caren

>

Jan Koelsch

---------------------------------

We won't tell. Get more on shows you hate to love

(and love to hate): Yahoo! TV's Guilty Pleasures list.

[Guest guest]

Hi Marisa,

I think we all can relate with those feelings. I know I can. I get tired

sometimes of being positive all the time and have hope all the time. I specially

get tired of people who have no idea what I am going through telling me that I

have to be positive. What do they know of being positive in a situation like

this? I don't fell like a victim at all, but I am still angry. It seems that it

is never going to end and questions like " now everything is fine and back to

normal, right? " annoy me a lot. No, things are not fine and they are not back to

normal! But I guess it is hard for them to understand all these feelings.

Another thing that I feel is fear of being hopeful. It is weird and twisted, but

sometimes I think that if I have too much positive attitude and hope for good

things, the opposite will happen just to spite me. A bit self-centered of me, I

know...Of course I know I need therapy! lol But seriously, I do not want to be

disappointed again. So, how do I find the balance between hoping and being

positive, and real facts? I am still trying to figure this out.

Hugs

Re: " Pathologies of Hope " /Marisa

it's http://harpers. org

but as I suspected, the latest articles they have there are from last

month...

what bothers me about the " rah rah be positive " drek! is that it

negates *real* experience and *real* feelings---and somehow sends the

message that those feelings are wrong, or at least, shouldn't be

articulated. ..I rememebr a woman said to me... " you should give your

son a normal childhood " .. . WTF!!!

(my son is 8 - his father died in an accident two years ago; and I

have breast cancer...)

I was so angry at that statement! I thought *this* is his childhood.

and I HATE that he has to deal with this shit! becasue I love him more

than anything else on this planet!

but, you know, the reality is, his dad *did* die;i *did* have breast

cancer, and had surgery and went through chemo, and suffered the

horrific side effects...hard to smile in the face of all that...and

unrealistic to diminish, or erase it, IYKWIM...

so while i understand the " positive attitude " mantra--it really does

annoy me, because it seems like if we express anything other

than " positiveness " --it's dismissed, or negated, or worse, that we're

doing something " wrong " ...

human beings are so much more complex than that...

marisa

>

> marisa,

> thanks for pointing out the article, do you happen to have a direct

> link to a website???? i am having truble locating it online and

would

> like to read it.

> thanks, caren

>

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

We won't tell. Get more on shows you hate to love

(and love to hate): Yahoo! TV's Guilty Pleasures list.

http://tv.yahoo.com/collections/265