A Huge fear

[Guest guest]

background:

Gaslighting is a term i learned only in the last month. but is describes my

daily reality as a child. gaslighting was a sport in my household. my mom has

denied almost all the negative things that have ever happened to me. she denies

the existence of my ADD (i was diagnosed because a teacher brought a doctor to

the school for me.) or worse says vague things like " you grew out of that years

ago " (like a 11 year old has " years ago " in which to grow out of something) or " I

am not sure that doctor really knew what he was talking about " etc. she denies

(and used to deny daily) that I was being severely bullied. she denies that I

was mistreated at home by my siblings. and she denied the existence of a serious

medical issue, and insisted that the symptoms of it were a ploy for attention,

or defiance etc. as an adult I have found a very efficient treatment for my

problem, but as everyone still defends her with " i'ts just a habit " she still

shames me for her expectation of the symptoms.

my mom believes that all of my feelings present and past are an " over-reaction "

or a manifestation of the " chip on my shoulder " because of that all my siblings

had to do whenever they wanted to pick on me was to get a reaction. because then

i was the one in trouble. and she would top it off with " I'm not going to fight

your battles " and if on rare occasions she bothered to punish them it was always

prefaced with " I know she over-reacted but... "

my theory is that her creation and loathing of my personality is just one huge

projection. if I am the one with " bad feelings " than everything she feels is

justified.

my fear is that no one will ever believe me. I was so carefully groomed to doubt

my feelings that I still doubt them myself sometimes.

and I am afraid that my FOO will think that I am wrong to be mad at our mom. and

worse, that I am just " wanting to be the victim " (another of her favorite

accusations) the perceptions she created are still popular in my family even if

they are faded a bit.

how do I express what I want to people who think I can't fee properly?