self-care checklist for dealing with bullies

[Guest guest]

This is taken from an alanon blog I follow, written by Syd. It finally

understood through reading the post that my mom has always been a bully. I am

slow to understand many things.....

The whole post can be read here:

http://fine-anon.blogspot.com/2011/06/bullying-and-alcoholism.html

Often I find it helpful to replace the word alcoholism with BPD or personality

disorder....in shares of this kind. The part of the post that specifically

speaks to dealing with a bully (and gently addresses how it is possible to be

bullied and also be a bully) is below:

Syd says, " I read an assessment of bullying behavior which stated that bullies

are emotionally, physically and mentally needy. They are often rudest to those

that care about and love them. Bullies are ready to point out the faults of

others but deny that they have any problems. A bully likes to be the director

of others, telling them what to do and what they did wrong. A negative out look

on life and a judging persona is the hall mark of a bully.

Not surprising, Al-Anon has shown me that my [own] bullying was motivated by

fear. Fear seems to be the basis for so many behaviors. Once I learned to

detach and let go, no longer trying to control the alcoholic, so much of the

dynamics in the relationship changed. We both heaved an enormous sigh of

relief.

And the same thing is true with my [bully] friend. By setting clear boundaries

and not accepting excuses for " dry " drunk behavior, our friendship is not

strained. I also don't react with anger to his angry outbursts. I do my best

to walk away and realize that none of what he is angry about has anything to do

with me.

Here are some other helpful ways to cope with bullying [or alcoholic] behavior:

1. Don't excuse the behavior or defend it. Walk away and let the bully accept

responsibility.

2. Take care of yourself by not responding to every request for help.

Repetitive demands don't need to be taken on by me. I don't need to do for

others what they can do for themselves.

3. Lower expectations and realize that my detachment is for me. Expecting the

alcoholic to change is unreasonable on my part.

4. Do something for yourself that is fun. Find a place of solace and an

activity that you enjoy. Leave the bully to fume. Don't be intimidated into

living in misery.

5. Find someone to share with, whether it be a good friend, a 12 step group or a

therapist. (I was not only amazed that alcoholism had made me a bully, but I was

equally amazed that I could get help and deal with my fears around the disease

by being in Al-Anon.) "

And I, , love Syd's choice of quotes!

Courage is fire, and bullying is smoke. ~ Disraeli

Be open. Stand in our truth. Trust what you know. And refuse to buy into denial,

nonsense, bullying, or coercion that would like to take you off course. ~Melodie

Beattie

Blessings to all. Take back your life and your hope using any tools that help!

[Guest guest]

Thank you!

On Fri, Jun 10, 2011 at 11:07 AM, V.S. wrote:

>

>

> This is taken from an alanon blog I follow, written by Syd. It finally

> understood through reading the post that my mom has always been a bully. I

> am slow to understand many things.....

> The whole post can be read here:

> http://fine-anon.blogspot.com/2011/06/bullying-and-alcoholism.html

>

> Often I find it helpful to replace the word alcoholism with BPD or

> personality disorder....in shares of this kind. The part of the post that

> specifically speaks to dealing with a bully (and gently addresses how it is

> possible to be bullied and also be a bully) is below:

>

> Syd says, " I read an assessment of bullying behavior which stated that

> bullies are emotionally, physically and mentally needy. They are often

> rudest to those that care about and love them. Bullies are ready to point

> out the faults of others but deny that they have any problems. A bully likes

> to be the director of others, telling them what to do and what they did

> wrong. A negative out look on life and a judging persona is the hall mark of

> a bully.

>

> Not surprising, Al-Anon has shown me that my [own] bullying was motivated

> by fear. Fear seems to be the basis for so many behaviors. Once I learned to

> detach and let go, no longer trying to control the alcoholic, so much of the

> dynamics in the relationship changed. We both heaved an enormous sigh of

> relief.

>

> And the same thing is true with my [bully] friend. By setting clear

> boundaries and not accepting excuses for " dry " drunk behavior, our

> friendship is not strained. I also don't react with anger to his angry

> outbursts. I do my best to walk away and realize that none of what he is

> angry about has anything to do with me.

>

> Here are some other helpful ways to cope with bullying [or alcoholic]

> behavior:

>

> 1. Don't excuse the behavior or defend it. Walk away and let the bully

> accept responsibility.

> 2. Take care of yourself by not responding to every request for help.

> Repetitive demands don't need to be taken on by me. I don't need to do for

> others what they can do for themselves.

> 3. Lower expectations and realize that my detachment is for me. Expecting

> the alcoholic to change is unreasonable on my part.

> 4. Do something for yourself that is fun. Find a place of solace and an

> activity that you enjoy. Leave the bully to fume. Don't be intimidated into

> living in misery.

> 5. Find someone to share with, whether it be a good friend, a 12 step group

> or a therapist. (I was not only amazed that alcoholism had made me a bully,

> but I was equally amazed that I could get help and deal with my fears around

> the disease by being in Al-Anon.) "

>

> And I, , love Syd's choice of quotes!

> Courage is fire, and bullying is smoke. ~ Disraeli

>

> Be open. Stand in our truth. Trust what you know. And refuse to buy into

> denial, nonsense, bullying, or coercion that would like to take you off

> course. ~Melodie Beattie

>

> Blessings to all. Take back your life and your hope using any tools that

> help!

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

These are great points and very relevant to borderline pd behaviors. It really

does seem that bpd behaviors are very much like alcoholic behaviors! Or, maybe

its that those with bpd make up a very high percentage of those who become

alcoholics? (Maybe that is one of those unanswerable " Which came first, the

chicken or the egg " questions.)

In any case, its a very useful checklist on how to deal with toxic, hostile,

domineering, demanding, bullying behaviors in others.

Thanks for sharing it!

-Annie

>

> This is taken from an alanon blog I follow, written by Syd. It finally

understood through reading the post that my mom has always been a bully. I am

slow to understand many things.....

> The whole post can be read here:

http://fine-anon.blogspot.com/2011/06/bullying-and-alcoholism.html

>

> Often I find it helpful to replace the word alcoholism with BPD or personality

disorder....in shares of this kind. The part of the post that specifically

speaks to dealing with a bully (and gently addresses how it is possible to be

bullied and also be a bully) is below:

>

> Syd says, " I read an assessment of bullying behavior which stated that bullies

are emotionally, physically and mentally needy. They are often rudest to those

that care about and love them. Bullies are ready to point out the faults of

others but deny that they have any problems. A bully likes to be the director

of others, telling them what to do and what they did wrong. A negative out look

on life and a judging persona is the hall mark of a bully.

>

> Not surprising, Al-Anon has shown me that my [own] bullying was motivated by

fear. Fear seems to be the basis for so many behaviors. Once I learned to

detach and let go, no longer trying to control the alcoholic, so much of the

dynamics in the relationship changed. We both heaved an enormous sigh of

relief.

>

> And the same thing is true with my [bully] friend. By setting clear

boundaries and not accepting excuses for " dry " drunk behavior, our friendship

is not strained. I also don't react with anger to his angry outbursts. I do my

best to walk away and realize that none of what he is angry about has anything

to do with me.

>

> Here are some other helpful ways to cope with bullying [or alcoholic]

behavior:

>

> 1. Don't excuse the behavior or defend it. Walk away and let the bully accept

responsibility.

> 2. Take care of yourself by not responding to every request for help.

Repetitive demands don't need to be taken on by me. I don't need to do for

others what they can do for themselves.

> 3. Lower expectations and realize that my detachment is for me. Expecting

the alcoholic to change is unreasonable on my part.

> 4. Do something for yourself that is fun. Find a place of solace and an

activity that you enjoy. Leave the bully to fume. Don't be intimidated into

living in misery.

> 5. Find someone to share with, whether it be a good friend, a 12 step group or

a therapist. (I was not only amazed that alcoholism had made me a bully, but I

was equally amazed that I could get help and deal with my fears around the

disease by being in Al-Anon.) "

>

> And I, , love Syd's choice of quotes!

> Courage is fire, and bullying is smoke. ~ Disraeli

>

> Be open. Stand in our truth. Trust what you know. And refuse to buy into

denial, nonsense, bullying, or coercion that would like to take you off course.

~Melodie Beattie

>

>

> Blessings to all. Take back your life and your hope using any tools that help!

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

This is great -- Thanks, ! I have bookmarked his blog for deepen reading

later.

>

> This is taken from an alanon blog I follow, written by Syd. It finally

understood through reading the post that my mom has always been a bully. I am

slow to understand many things.....

> The whole post can be read here:

http://fine-anon.blogspot.com/2011/06/bullying-and-alcoholism.html

>

> Often I find it helpful to replace the word alcoholism with BPD or personality

disorder....in shares of this kind. The part of the post that specifically

speaks to dealing with a bully (and gently addresses how it is possible to be

bullied and also be a bully) is below:

>

> Syd says, " I read an assessment of bullying behavior which stated that bullies

are emotionally, physically and mentally needy. They are often rudest to those

that care about and love them. Bullies are ready to point out the faults of

others but deny that they have any problems. A bully likes to be the director

of others, telling them what to do and what they did wrong. A negative out look

on life and a judging persona is the hall mark of a bully.

>

> Not surprising, Al-Anon has shown me that my [own] bullying was motivated by

fear. Fear seems to be the basis for so many behaviors. Once I learned to

detach and let go, no longer trying to control the alcoholic, so much of the

dynamics in the relationship changed. We both heaved an enormous sigh of

relief.

>

> And the same thing is true with my [bully] friend. By setting clear

boundaries and not accepting excuses for " dry " drunk behavior, our friendship

is not strained. I also don't react with anger to his angry outbursts. I do my

best to walk away and realize that none of what he is angry about has anything

to do with me.

>

> Here are some other helpful ways to cope with bullying [or alcoholic]

behavior:

>

> 1. Don't excuse the behavior or defend it. Walk away and let the bully accept

responsibility.

> 2. Take care of yourself by not responding to every request for help.

Repetitive demands don't need to be taken on by me. I don't need to do for

others what they can do for themselves.

> 3. Lower expectations and realize that my detachment is for me. Expecting

the alcoholic to change is unreasonable on my part.

> 4. Do something for yourself that is fun. Find a place of solace and an

activity that you enjoy. Leave the bully to fume. Don't be intimidated into

living in misery.

> 5. Find someone to share with, whether it be a good friend, a 12 step group or

a therapist. (I was not only amazed that alcoholism had made me a bully, but I

was equally amazed that I could get help and deal with my fears around the

disease by being in Al-Anon.) "

>

> And I, , love Syd's choice of quotes!

> Courage is fire, and bullying is smoke. ~ Disraeli

>

> Be open. Stand in our truth. Trust what you know. And refuse to buy into

denial, nonsense, bullying, or coercion that would like to take you off course.

~Melodie Beattie

>

>

> Blessings to all. Take back your life and your hope using any tools that help!

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

" They are often rudest to those

that care about and love them. Bullies are ready to point out the faults of

others but deny that they have any problems. A bully likes to be the director

of others, telling them what to do and what they did wrong. "

oh, boy, oh boy does this sound like nada. How did this person grow up in my

house and I never saw them?

[Guest guest]

that is wonderful.

I just love the simplicity, thanks very much for sharing.

>

> This is taken from an alanon blog I follow, written by Syd. It finally

understood through reading the post that my mom has always been a bully. I am

slow to understand many things.....

> The whole post can be read here:

http://fine-anon.blogspot.com/2011/06/bullying-and-alcoholism.html

>

> Often I find it helpful to replace the word alcoholism with BPD or personality

disorder....in shares of this kind. The part of the post that specifically

speaks to dealing with a bully (and gently addresses how it is possible to be

bullied and also be a bully) is below:

>

> Syd says, " I read an assessment of bullying behavior which stated that bullies

are emotionally, physically and mentally needy. They are often rudest to those

that care about and love them. Bullies are ready to point out the faults of

others but deny that they have any problems. A bully likes to be the director

of others, telling them what to do and what they did wrong. A negative out look

on life and a judging persona is the hall mark of a bully.

>

> Not surprising, Al-Anon has shown me that my [own] bullying was motivated by

fear. Fear seems to be the basis for so many behaviors. Once I learned to

detach and let go, no longer trying to control the alcoholic, so much of the

dynamics in the relationship changed. We both heaved an enormous sigh of

relief.

>

> And the same thing is true with my [bully] friend. By setting clear

boundaries and not accepting excuses for " dry " drunk behavior, our friendship

is not strained. I also don't react with anger to his angry outbursts. I do my

best to walk away and realize that none of what he is angry about has anything

to do with me.

>

> Here are some other helpful ways to cope with bullying [or alcoholic]

behavior:

>

> 1. Don't excuse the behavior or defend it. Walk away and let the bully accept

responsibility.

> 2. Take care of yourself by not responding to every request for help.

Repetitive demands don't need to be taken on by me. I don't need to do for

others what they can do for themselves.

> 3. Lower expectations and realize that my detachment is for me. Expecting

the alcoholic to change is unreasonable on my part.

> 4. Do something for yourself that is fun. Find a place of solace and an

activity that you enjoy. Leave the bully to fume. Don't be intimidated into

living in misery.

> 5. Find someone to share with, whether it be a good friend, a 12 step group or

a therapist. (I was not only amazed that alcoholism had made me a bully, but I

was equally amazed that I could get help and deal with my fears around the

disease by being in Al-Anon.) "

>

> And I, , love Syd's choice of quotes!

> Courage is fire, and bullying is smoke. ~ Disraeli

>

> Be open. Stand in our truth. Trust what you know. And refuse to buy into

denial, nonsense, bullying, or coercion that would like to take you off course.

~Melodie Beattie

>

>

> Blessings to all. Take back your life and your hope using any tools that help!

>

>

>

>