whoa I set a boundary and the earth cracked!!!!!

June 8, 2011

Sorry this is SUPER long:

So for about 4 years now I have helped to run a community fashion show that

showcases local talent.

We were going to stop doing the show, but a big sponsor contacted us, so we

agreed to give it a final run.

Then the drama starts. . . There are 3 main people involved in the show. To

be honest, I do the majority of the work (the director agrees - he tells

everyone that). I am in charge of the marketing, but I typically book most

of the talent, I bring in most of the sponsors, I keep communications

flowing and I usually end up keeping our very type B director organized, on

time and on track.

So anyway, last fall I resigned the show because of the way the backstage

was being run. The girl in charge of it had 2 helpers who were screaming at

the models, creating a chaotic environment, and treating our volunteers like

they are stupid. They also wouldn't allow the dancers back stage, even

though it was like 50 degrees outside and they were only wearing shorts for

their costumes. The show was also planned at a bad time for me.

I agreed to come back this spring under the conditions that the two " model

nazis " not be invited back. I asked that we replace the bitchy girl in

charge of the back stage, the leader of the model nazis. The director of the

event really wanted her to come back, so after voicing my concerns, I agreed

to this. I didn't feel good about it and I told him so, but he has never

seen that side of her and also he felt he could keep her under control.

Fast forward about 6 weeks to 10 days before the show (yesterday). I passed

off everything the backstage bossy chick needed to coordinate the models,

shops, designers, hair, makeup, runway choreography etc months ago. I ended

up planning all this by myself because the director was involved in another

event and he didn't have time (a sorry excuse but anyway that's how it

worked out). He also hadn't yet decided who would run the backstage, so it

was only the 2 of us at that point. I knew the backstage nazi bitch bossy

chick would be mad about the way I did it - we brought in real women from

our community to model, thinking this would add a level of depth to the

show. Most of the real women are friends/professional contacts of mine - so

that increased the pressure, because I wanted them to have a good

experience.

Anyway, the runway bitchy girl hasn't done her job at all. She has had since

about May 6th to get everything organized. Her job is fairly easy. She needs

to pair the models with designers, tell them what time to get their hair

done and have them try on the clothes in advance. Then she lines them up and

tells them when to walk, and makes sure they change fast the night of the

show. SHE HAS NOT DONE THIS AT ALL.

I've e-mailed her about 5 times a day for the past 5 weeks asking her for

status updates. She says she just hasn't had time etc etc. And then. dun dun

dun - I found out she invited her minions back - 2 controlling girls who get

in the models faces and scream. Uh. . . yeah this behavior doesn't fly with

girlscout. (Our models are volunteers - why should they put up with being

yelled at?)

So, anyway, then the director went out of town, and while he managed to make

our deadlines from the road, he wasn't taking care of the personell problem.

He tends to really avoid conflilctual situations and let problems do way way

way too long.

So yesterday I set a boundary. I sent the director an e-mail saying - here's

what I have done. All this other stuff hasn't been done. What is your plan

for resolving this problem, because I can't wait anymore. This level of

disorganization is becoming extremly embarassing to me.

Then I sent the runway back stage bitch a message. HEre it is:

"

Umm I’m trying to print up Jordan’s (our best desinger) models and their

contact info for tonight but my phone died with all the contact info so I

won’t be able to do that (this is her job by the way).

To tell you the truth PR for the event is extremely busy right now. I have 4

huge live interviews this week each with a fashion show and 3 models each.

I’m getting really concerned that the models, designers and shops are

confused but I don’t have time to help.

What do we need to do to get this done?

I’m esp concerned because so many of friends are modeling for the show as a

personal favor to me. I don’t want to leave them with a disorganized

impression. "

I sent this about 4 p.m., our mixer event - where everything is supposed to

already be organized - and we just go over details with the models designers

and stylists was at 7 p.m. I knew we weren't prepared.

I was upset so boyfriend and I then went to dinner and had a little fun to

relax. Just as we pulled up to the mixer we got this email from the runway

bitch:

" Well Girlscout, I’m trying my best, but this was disorganized when you gave

it to me. Designers that won’t confirm that they are even interested in

doing the show. A list of models that half of them aren’t even doing the

show. Designers who were supposed to be finding their own models only to

have some drop out and are now asking me if I can find them one. Sorry I’m

not doing this the way you want it done. I’ve tried contacting the designers

and models that you gave me, but apparently they only contact you. The few

models and designers I have had contact me have only done so after you’ve

asked them to. So why don’t you just go ahead and handle this the way you’d

like it handled. Since you feel the job I am doing isn’t meeting your

standards please feel free to take charge of getting the models and

designers coordinated. From the beginning it has seemed as though you’d like

to take charge anyway. Be my guest. "

So, I walked into a crowd of models and designers having just had someone

elses job dumped right in my lap. She texted the director and said she

wasn't coming because we didn't need her.

So the next few hours were total chaos - question after question after

question. I ended up having to ask each designer who they had been assigned

for models - because bitch didn't share that with me. Half of them hadn't

been assigned anyone. And none of the models had any information. And I had

no idea what was going on. It was embarassing, and to tell you the truth I

just put it right back on the bitchy girl. I said, " I'm sorry I can't answer

that our backstage coordinator dropped the ball and now she quit, so please

help me reconstruct what she did and I'll get the show back on the road. "

Anyway - how I feel today

1) Of course I wish I hadn't taken on the show because now basically 90% of

it is resting in my lap.

2) I think the runway girl is extremely immature and has only been involved

in the show for her ego. She loves to give me orders and boss me and others

around, meanwhile she batts her eyelashes at the runway director and fakes

like she is really sweet - playing both of us like the alpha bitch dog she

is.

3) I feel proud that I set a boundary. I've stayed professional.

4) The director wanted to call her today and smooth things out and try to

get her to come back. i said that's fine but if she comes back I'm out

because she is difficult to work with and not doing her job at all.

5) Of course, I feel guilty like I must have done something wrong to make

her so angry and like a nice girl woulnd't do that. These are the tapes from

my childhood saying others feelings are more important than mine. I'm trying

to control them with affirmations.

I have 2 fashion students who are going to run the back stage now. I'll

reconstruct everything, send it to them, and talk to them about important

steps and let them put their own flair on it from their.

So anyway, that's my update. Therapy has brought me a really really long

way.

I ended it by sending her an email that said " I'm releived that you are

resigning the show because working with you has become a huge obstacle. Good

luck in your future efforts. "

Stay classy san diego HA HA HA

Thoughts? Opionions? Etc??? I think if she didn't have time to do the show -

why would she commit? Oh yeah, ego, power, authority, etc.

June 8, 2011

Well, I say if you feel good about it, then F'in A, good job! (I say it with

that premise because I feel like there's a level of tone and detail to this kind

of story that we could never get from a forum post.) I think what's great is

that in this story, there are a number of times where you try to say: this is

what I need, and finally, when you realized your needs were never going to be

met, you said: if she comes back, I'm out. You drew the line in the sand. Good

for you.

I really wish we could all have the foresight to say that in the very beginning,

but you took care of yourself, and that's awesome.

Chocolate for all!

>

> Sorry this is SUPER long:

>

> So for about 4 years now I have helped to run a community fashion show that

> showcases local talent.

>

> We were going to stop doing the show, but a big sponsor contacted us, so we

> agreed to give it a final run.

>

> Then the drama starts. . . There are 3 main people involved in the show. To

> be honest, I do the majority of the work (the director agrees - he tells

> everyone that). I am in charge of the marketing, but I typically book most

> of the talent, I bring in most of the sponsors, I keep communications

> flowing and I usually end up keeping our very type B director organized, on

> time and on track.

>

> So anyway, last fall I resigned the show because of the way the backstage

> was being run. The girl in charge of it had 2 helpers who were screaming at

> the models, creating a chaotic environment, and treating our volunteers like

> they are stupid. They also wouldn't allow the dancers back stage, even

> though it was like 50 degrees outside and they were only wearing shorts for

> their costumes. The show was also planned at a bad time for me.

>

> I agreed to come back this spring under the conditions that the two " model

> nazis " not be invited back. I asked that we replace the bitchy girl in

> charge of the back stage, the leader of the model nazis. The director of the

> event really wanted her to come back, so after voicing my concerns, I agreed

> to this. I didn't feel good about it and I told him so, but he has never

> seen that side of her and also he felt he could keep her under control.

>

> Fast forward about 6 weeks to 10 days before the show (yesterday). I passed

> off everything the backstage bossy chick needed to coordinate the models,

> shops, designers, hair, makeup, runway choreography etc months ago. I ended

> up planning all this by myself because the director was involved in another

> event and he didn't have time (a sorry excuse but anyway that's how it

> worked out). He also hadn't yet decided who would run the backstage, so it

> was only the 2 of us at that point. I knew the backstage nazi bitch bossy

> chick would be mad about the way I did it - we brought in real women from

> our community to model, thinking this would add a level of depth to the

> show. Most of the real women are friends/professional contacts of mine - so

> that increased the pressure, because I wanted them to have a good

> experience.

>

> Anyway, the runway bitchy girl hasn't done her job at all. She has had since

> about May 6th to get everything organized. Her job is fairly easy. She needs

> to pair the models with designers, tell them what time to get their hair

> done and have them try on the clothes in advance. Then she lines them up and

> tells them when to walk, and makes sure they change fast the night of the

> show. SHE HAS NOT DONE THIS AT ALL.

>

> I've e-mailed her about 5 times a day for the past 5 weeks asking her for

> status updates. She says she just hasn't had time etc etc. And then. dun dun

> dun - I found out she invited her minions back - 2 controlling girls who get

> in the models faces and scream. Uh. . . yeah this behavior doesn't fly with

> girlscout. (Our models are volunteers - why should they put up with being

> yelled at?)

>

> So, anyway, then the director went out of town, and while he managed to make

> our deadlines from the road, he wasn't taking care of the personell problem.

> He tends to really avoid conflilctual situations and let problems do way way

> way too long.

>

> So yesterday I set a boundary. I sent the director an e-mail saying - here's

> what I have done. All this other stuff hasn't been done. What is your plan

> for resolving this problem, because I can't wait anymore. This level of

> disorganization is becoming extremly embarassing to me.

>

> Then I sent the runway back stage bitch a message. HEre it is:

> "

>

> Umm I'm trying to print up Jordan's (our best desinger) models and their

> contact info for tonight but my phone died with all the contact info so I

> won't be able to do that (this is her job by the way).

>

> To tell you the truth PR for the event is extremely busy right now. I have 4

> huge live interviews this week each with a fashion show and 3 models each.

>

> I'm getting really concerned that the models, designers and shops are

> confused but I don't have time to help.

>

> What do we need to do to get this done?

>

> I'm esp concerned because so many of friends are modeling for the show as a

> personal favor to me. I don't want to leave them with a disorganized

> impression. "

>

> I sent this about 4 p.m., our mixer event - where everything is supposed to

> already be organized - and we just go over details with the models designers

> and stylists was at 7 p.m. I knew we weren't prepared.

>

> I was upset so boyfriend and I then went to dinner and had a little fun to

> relax. Just as we pulled up to the mixer we got this email from the runway

> bitch:

>

> " Well Girlscout, I'm trying my best, but this was disorganized when you gave

> it to me. Designers that won't confirm that they are even interested in

> doing the show. A list of models that half of them aren't even doing the

> show. Designers who were supposed to be finding their own models only to

> have some drop out and are now asking me if I can find them one. Sorry I'm

> not doing this the way you want it done. I've tried contacting the designers

> and models that you gave me, but apparently they only contact you. The few

> models and designers I have had contact me have only done so after you've

> asked them to. So why don't you just go ahead and handle this the way you'd

> like it handled. Since you feel the job I am doing isn't meeting your

> standards please feel free to take charge of getting the models and

> designers coordinated. From the beginning it has seemed as though you'd like

> to take charge anyway. Be my guest. "

>

> So, I walked into a crowd of models and designers having just had someone

> elses job dumped right in my lap. She texted the director and said she

> wasn't coming because we didn't need her.

>

> So the next few hours were total chaos - question after question after

> question. I ended up having to ask each designer who they had been assigned

> for models - because bitch didn't share that with me. Half of them hadn't

> been assigned anyone. And none of the models had any information. And I had

> no idea what was going on. It was embarassing, and to tell you the truth I

> just put it right back on the bitchy girl. I said, " I'm sorry I can't answer

> that our backstage coordinator dropped the ball and now she quit, so please

> help me reconstruct what she did and I'll get the show back on the road. "

>

> Anyway - how I feel today

>

> 1) Of course I wish I hadn't taken on the show because now basically 90% of

> it is resting in my lap.

>

> 2) I think the runway girl is extremely immature and has only been involved

> in the show for her ego. She loves to give me orders and boss me and others

> around, meanwhile she batts her eyelashes at the runway director and fakes

> like she is really sweet - playing both of us like the alpha bitch dog she

> is.

>

> 3) I feel proud that I set a boundary. I've stayed professional.

> 4) The director wanted to call her today and smooth things out and try to

> get her to come back. i said that's fine but if she comes back I'm out

> because she is difficult to work with and not doing her job at all.

>

> 5) Of course, I feel guilty like I must have done something wrong to make

> her so angry and like a nice girl woulnd't do that. These are the tapes from

> my childhood saying others feelings are more important than mine. I'm trying

> to control them with affirmations.

>

> I have 2 fashion students who are going to run the back stage now. I'll

> reconstruct everything, send it to them, and talk to them about important

> steps and let them put their own flair on it from their.

>

> So anyway, that's my update. Therapy has brought me a really really long

> way.

>

> I ended it by sending her an email that said " I'm releived that you are

> resigning the show because working with you has become a huge obstacle. Good

> luck in your future efforts. "

>

> Stay classy san diego HA HA HA

>

> Thoughts? Opionions? Etc??? I think if she didn't have time to do the show -

> why would she commit? Oh yeah, ego, power, authority, etc.

>

June 8, 2011

Diagonosis: She's a first rate Bitch!

Prognosis: Excellent!

Long term survival outcome: Unlimited!!!!

You did exactly what GOODtherapy teaches KO's to do... re-wires us to recognize,

accept and act on OUR emotions and needs first. We were all stripped of that

survival instict. Seems you got your backs in spades!

I like to think of it as having someone else's emotiona dumped in my lap, I look

at it like a dead animal, wrap it and hand it back to them. Period. If they

don't take it, I drop it in front of them and walk off. I don't debate, I don't

talk, I don't try to reason. " Return to Sender: Not at this address! "

You 'done' good!!

Lynnette