Anyone not yet really accepted that their parent(s) has BPD?

[Guest guest]

Hello All,

Wondering if anyone else on this list hasn't really been able to accept that

their parent has BPD? I've been seeing a therapist for around three months after

a heavy bout of depression and she has told me that she is fairly certain that

my mother has BPD. I've been reading 'Walking on Eggshells' and everything seems

to fit.

- The splitting, for example - one minute I'm the best, most wonderful golden

daughter ever, the next, I'm selfish, thoughtless, and don't care about my

mother at all.

- The rages: one of my biggest memories from childhood is her coming home from

work to find I'd left an empty yoghurt pot on the living room coffee table and

her going crazy about how I was selfish, took her for granted, was a terrible

daughter etc.

- The gameplaying/silent treatment: she used to ignore me for weeks on end,

being chatty and friendly with her friends and giving me cold/off one-word

answers while I desperately tried to get her to be nice to me. When she was done

with that she'd explode in rage, telling me all the horrible things I'd done.

- The manipulation/apparent lying: she yelled at me last week for ignoring her.

I tried to explain that if I hadn't been in touch as much as usual it was

probably because I was in the midst of a serious bout of depression and then she

started going on about how she'd been depressed for months too, virtually

bed-bound, totally isolated (not how she seemed when I saw her a month ago and

not how her friend described her when I spoke to him a week ago - they go out at

least twice a week at the moment according to him).

- The inability to admit being wrong: I made the mistake of arguing with her

after she'd attacked me verbally, going through things step by step, rationally,

until we got to the point where I was thinking 'she must be able to see now that

I wasn't being horrible and that she's made a mistake.' At that point she went

completely hysterical, crying and yelling, 'Why do you always do this to me. I'm

too old for all this. Why do you bully me like this. If you keep doing this to

me I'll have nothing left to live for.' At which point I panicked and backed

down and soothingly told her she was right, I must be mad, I must have really

done all those things she said I did.

She has lost contact with every single relative apart from me (most of whom have

cut off contact with her) and sort of forbidden me from being in touch with them

(well, how could you want to spend time with your Aunt A when you know how awful

and terrible she's been with me). She makes friends really quickly (she's very

chatty and engaging) but then has big rows with them, thinks they are then

terrible people, and cuts off contact. She constantly feels like a victim, that

she is treated terribly by everyone around her (neighbours, family, friends,

shopkeepers). If I disagree with her on anything, even if completely impersonal

(i.e. immigration policy in the UK), she sulks/gets angry. If I don't affirm her

views on how badly she is being treated (oh yes Mum. you're right, they are

being awful to you, poor you) she sulks/gets angry. She gets jealous of my

friends and boyfriend (you only care about them, you don't care about me). When

she goes into a rage, her whole face changes. It's like she turns into a

different person. Its really scary. She believes really implausible things (i.e.

her elderly neighbour is recording her movements through the walls with some

equipment). If I suggest, in the nicest possible way, that maybe that might not

be the case, she gets really angry with me.

There is clearly something up but somehow I'm torn between believing she has a

disorder of some kind or believing that she is just selfish and horrid and could

be nice if she really wanted to. I'm stuck right now.

Would love to hear other people's experiences.

Thanks for listening!

SB

[Guest guest]

When I finally realized that my mother has a genuine mental illness, a

personality disorder, it came as a relief to me. It somehow made it " not my

fault " , as I had always believed. I thought I was making my mother so unhappy,

critical, and angry at me so often, that there must be something deeply,

fundamentally wrong with *me.*

So to see her behaviors spelled out so uncannily clearly and organized into an

actual category of mental illness... was like a great weight had been lifted

from my shoulders. It helped me to take her negative, hurtful treatment of me

less personally.

But each of us journeys to healing on our own path, and my path is not

necessarily yours. Its all very individual, and there are no " oughts " or

" shoulds " . It seems to me that the label isn't as important as learning to

handle the toxic behaviors so that you yourself do not continue to be

emotionally manipulated and abused by your mother, in my opinion.

-Annie

>

> Hello All,

>

> Wondering if anyone else on this list hasn't really been able to accept that

their parent has BPD? I've been seeing a therapist for around three months after

a heavy bout of depression and she has told me that she is fairly certain that

my mother has BPD. I've been reading 'Walking on Eggshells' and everything seems

to fit.

>

> - The splitting, for example - one minute I'm the best, most wonderful golden

daughter ever, the next, I'm selfish, thoughtless, and don't care about my

mother at all.

> - The rages: one of my biggest memories from childhood is her coming home from

work to find I'd left an empty yoghurt pot on the living room coffee table and

her going crazy about how I was selfish, took her for granted, was a terrible

daughter etc.

> - The gameplaying/silent treatment: she used to ignore me for weeks on end,

being chatty and friendly with her friends and giving me cold/off one-word

answers while I desperately tried to get her to be nice to me. When she was done

with that she'd explode in rage, telling me all the horrible things I'd done.

> - The manipulation/apparent lying: she yelled at me last week for ignoring

her. I tried to explain that if I hadn't been in touch as much as usual it was

probably because I was in the midst of a serious bout of depression and then she

started going on about how she'd been depressed for months too, virtually

bed-bound, totally isolated (not how she seemed when I saw her a month ago and

not how her friend described her when I spoke to him a week ago - they go out at

least twice a week at the moment according to him).

> - The inability to admit being wrong: I made the mistake of arguing with her

after she'd attacked me verbally, going through things step by step, rationally,

until we got to the point where I was thinking 'she must be able to see now that

I wasn't being horrible and that she's made a mistake.' At that point she went

completely hysterical, crying and yelling, 'Why do you always do this to me. I'm

too old for all this. Why do you bully me like this. If you keep doing this to

me I'll have nothing left to live for.' At which point I panicked and backed

down and soothingly told her she was right, I must be mad, I must have really

done all those things she said I did.

>

> She has lost contact with every single relative apart from me (most of whom

have cut off contact with her) and sort of forbidden me from being in touch with

them (well, how could you want to spend time with your Aunt A when you know how

awful and terrible she's been with me). She makes friends really quickly (she's

very chatty and engaging) but then has big rows with them, thinks they are then

terrible people, and cuts off contact. She constantly feels like a victim, that

she is treated terribly by everyone around her (neighbours, family, friends,

shopkeepers). If I disagree with her on anything, even if completely impersonal

(i.e. immigration policy in the UK), she sulks/gets angry. If I don't affirm her

views on how badly she is being treated (oh yes Mum. you're right, they are

being awful to you, poor you) she sulks/gets angry. She gets jealous of my

friends and boyfriend (you only care about them, you don't care about me). When

she goes into a rage, her whole face changes. It's like she turns into a

different person. Its really scary. She believes really implausible things (i.e.

her elderly neighbour is recording her movements through the walls with some

equipment). If I suggest, in the nicest possible way, that maybe that might not

be the case, she gets really angry with me.

>

> There is clearly something up but somehow I'm torn between believing she has a

disorder of some kind or believing that she is just selfish and horrid and could

be nice if she really wanted to. I'm stuck right now.

>

> Would love to hear other people's experiences.

>

> Thanks for listening!

>

> SB

>

[Guest guest]

It's like alcoholism or OCD -- they seem like they can control their behavior so

why don't they?! Well, because they can't, not without a lot of help and

support.

Anyway, accepting that she has it or not isn't an immediate need. Learning the

skills to deal with someone with the traits of BPD is. You need to learn how to

protect yourself and stand up for yourself and that doesn't require a diagnosis

of your mother.

Good luck to you on the journey!

> >

> > Hello All,

> >

> > Wondering if anyone else on this list hasn't really been able to accept that

their parent has BPD? I've been seeing a therapist for around three months after

a heavy bout of depression and she has told me that she is fairly certain that

my mother has BPD. I've been reading 'Walking on Eggshells' and everything seems

to fit.

> >

> > - The splitting, for example - one minute I'm the best, most wonderful

golden daughter ever, the next, I'm selfish, thoughtless, and don't care about

my mother at all.

> > - The rages: one of my biggest memories from childhood is her coming home

from work to find I'd left an empty yoghurt pot on the living room coffee table

and her going crazy about how I was selfish, took her for granted, was a

terrible daughter etc.

> > - The gameplaying/silent treatment: she used to ignore me for weeks on end,

being chatty and friendly with her friends and giving me cold/off one-word

answers while I desperately tried to get her to be nice to me. When she was done

with that she'd explode in rage, telling me all the horrible things I'd done.

> > - The manipulation/apparent lying: she yelled at me last week for ignoring

her. I tried to explain that if I hadn't been in touch as much as usual it was

probably because I was in the midst of a serious bout of depression and then she

started going on about how she'd been depressed for months too, virtually

bed-bound, totally isolated (not how she seemed when I saw her a month ago and

not how her friend described her when I spoke to him a week ago - they go out at

least twice a week at the moment according to him).

> > - The inability to admit being wrong: I made the mistake of arguing with her

after she'd attacked me verbally, going through things step by step, rationally,

until we got to the point where I was thinking 'she must be able to see now that

I wasn't being horrible and that she's made a mistake.' At that point she went

completely hysterical, crying and yelling, 'Why do you always do this to me. I'm

too old for all this. Why do you bully me like this. If you keep doing this to

me I'll have nothing left to live for.' At which point I panicked and backed

down and soothingly told her she was right, I must be mad, I must have really

done all those things she said I did.

> >

> > She has lost contact with every single relative apart from me (most of whom

have cut off contact with her) and sort of forbidden me from being in touch with

them (well, how could you want to spend time with your Aunt A when you know how

awful and terrible she's been with me). She makes friends really quickly (she's

very chatty and engaging) but then has big rows with them, thinks they are then

terrible people, and cuts off contact. She constantly feels like a victim, that

she is treated terribly by everyone around her (neighbours, family, friends,

shopkeepers). If I disagree with her on anything, even if completely impersonal

(i.e. immigration policy in the UK), she sulks/gets angry. If I don't affirm her

views on how badly she is being treated (oh yes Mum. you're right, they are

being awful to you, poor you) she sulks/gets angry. She gets jealous of my

friends and boyfriend (you only care about them, you don't care about me). When

she goes into a rage, her whole face changes. It's like she turns into a

different person. Its really scary. She believes really implausible things (i.e.

her elderly neighbour is recording her movements through the walls with some

equipment). If I suggest, in the nicest possible way, that maybe that might not

be the case, she gets really angry with me.

> >

> > There is clearly something up but somehow I'm torn between believing she has

a disorder of some kind or believing that she is just selfish and horrid and

could be nice if she really wanted to. I'm stuck right now.

> >

> > Would love to hear other people's experiences.

> >

> > Thanks for listening!

> >

> > SB

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I just finished reading 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' today. I went to a therapist

to find out what I was doing wrong in the relationship with my mother. When the

therapist started to describe a person with bpd, it was as if she had known my

mom as well as me. It was eerie. An enormous weight was lifted from me. I too

thought it was always something I did or did not do to cause her behavior. I now

see how I can only improve myself and no one else. I'm learning about

co-dependancy through al-anon. Everyday, the physical reactions my mom used to

trigger inside of me are dissipating. I do still feel angry and sad for not

having a 'normal' Mom. However, I am starting to see how the 'unkind' things my

mom says and does are not meant to actually hurt me, but, rather a way for her

to protect herself from feeling the emotion she does not want to feel. My hope

is that by 'reflecting' her true emotion back to her and setting major

boundaries she will one day seek help. However, I am still struggling with guilt

about the boundary I recently had to set for my own sanity. I am not speaking

with her unless she can speak to me with respect and kindness. I told her I am

here for her when she is ready to do that. It's just hard because she is my Mom,

afterall. I really hope she seeks help on her own soon. It brings me hope when I

read stories of re-covered bpd individuals. I didn't know that was even a

possibility.

> >

> > Hello All,

> >

> > Wondering if anyone else on this list hasn't really been able to accept that

their parent has BPD? I've been seeing a therapist for around three months after

a heavy bout of depression and she has told me that she is fairly certain that

my mother has BPD. I've been reading 'Walking on Eggshells' and everything seems

to fit.

> >

> > - The splitting, for example - one minute I'm the best, most wonderful

golden daughter ever, the next, I'm selfish, thoughtless, and don't care about

my mother at all.

> > - The rages: one of my biggest memories from childhood is her coming home

from work to find I'd left an empty yoghurt pot on the living room coffee table

and her going crazy about how I was selfish, took her for granted, was a

terrible daughter etc.

> > - The gameplaying/silent treatment: she used to ignore me for weeks on end,

being chatty and friendly with her friends and giving me cold/off one-word

answers while I desperately tried to get her to be nice to me. When she was done

with that she'd explode in rage, telling me all the horrible things I'd done.

> > - The manipulation/apparent lying: she yelled at me last week for ignoring

her. I tried to explain that if I hadn't been in touch as much as usual it was

probably because I was in the midst of a serious bout of depression and then she

started going on about how she'd been depressed for months too, virtually

bed-bound, totally isolated (not how she seemed when I saw her a month ago and

not how her friend described her when I spoke to him a week ago - they go out at

least twice a week at the moment according to him).

> > - The inability to admit being wrong: I made the mistake of arguing with her

after she'd attacked me verbally, going through things step by step, rationally,

until we got to the point where I was thinking 'she must be able to see now that

I wasn't being horrible and that she's made a mistake.' At that point she went

completely hysterical, crying and yelling, 'Why do you always do this to me. I'm

too old for all this. Why do you bully me like this. If you keep doing this to

me I'll have nothing left to live for.' At which point I panicked and backed

down and soothingly told her she was right, I must be mad, I must have really

done all those things she said I did.

> >

> > She has lost contact with every single relative apart from me (most of whom

have cut off contact with her) and sort of forbidden me from being in touch with

them (well, how could you want to spend time with your Aunt A when you know how

awful and terrible she's been with me). She makes friends really quickly (she's

very chatty and engaging) but then has big rows with them, thinks they are then

terrible people, and cuts off contact. She constantly feels like a victim, that

she is treated terribly by everyone around her (neighbours, family, friends,

shopkeepers). If I disagree with her on anything, even if completely impersonal

(i.e. immigration policy in the UK), she sulks/gets angry. If I don't affirm her

views on how badly she is being treated (oh yes Mum. you're right, they are

being awful to you, poor you) she sulks/gets angry. She gets jealous of my

friends and boyfriend (you only care about them, you don't care about me). When

she goes into a rage, her whole face changes. It's like she turns into a

different person. Its really scary. She believes really implausible things (i.e.

her elderly neighbour is recording her movements through the walls with some

equipment). If I suggest, in the nicest possible way, that maybe that might not

be the case, she gets really angry with me.

> >

> > There is clearly something up but somehow I'm torn between believing she has

a disorder of some kind or believing that she is just selfish and horrid and

could be nice if she really wanted to. I'm stuck right now.

> >

> > Would love to hear other people's experiences.

> >

> > Thanks for listening!

> >

> > SB

> >

>

[Guest guest]

sb:

My own experience was the same as yours. For many (many) years I would agonize

over carefully worded letters. Tip toe around the sharp edges of my nada,

fearful of triggering the cycle of craziness. The phone hang-ups. The loud,

defensive conversations. Waiting for the silence. Or, like a whirlygig, spinning

from one irrational state to another. Like watching a bat fly around a room,

bumping into the walls. Can you reason with a bat? A snake? Is it a good use

of your limited time on this planet to do that? I don't mean to sound cruel. I

don't believe I am a cruel person - a little angry, perhaps ; ) but not

cruel...but, here is my opinion. At some point, for your own sanity, you have to

decide what you are getting out of your interactions. Do you have to slam down

two shots of straight vodka to have a conversation with your mother? Is this

going to damage your body so that your life is shorter and you can't cope with

other things, like the good things? I don't know how the non-acceptance of your

mother's bpd is affecting your life now. But if as you said you were suffering

......-dw

P.S. the fact your therapist pointed this out I believe is a good

thing...also, I feel so fortunate to have found this group!

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Thu, May 5, 2011 8:03:54 AM

Subject: Re: Anyone not yet really accepted that their

parent(s) has BPD?

When I finally realized that my mother has a genuine mental illness, a

personality disorder, it came as a relief to me. It somehow made it " not my

fault " , as I had always believed. I thought I was making my mother so unhappy,

critical, and angry at me so often, that there must be something deeply,

fundamentally wrong with *me.*

So to see her behaviors spelled out so uncannily clearly and organized into an

actual category of mental illness... was like a great weight had been lifted

from my shoulders. It helped me to take her negative, hurtful treatment of me

less personally.

But each of us journeys to healing on our own path, and my path is not

necessarily yours. Its all very individual, and there are no " oughts " or

" shoulds " . It seems to me that the label isn't as important as learning to

handle the toxic behaviors so that you yourself do not continue to be

emotionally manipulated and abused by your mother, in my opinion.

-Annie

>

> Hello All,

>

> Wondering if anyone else on this list hasn't really been able to accept that

>their parent has BPD? I've been seeing a therapist for around three months

after

>a heavy bout of depression and she has told me that she is fairly certain that

>my mother has BPD. I've been reading 'Walking on Eggshells' and everything

seems

>to fit.

>

>

> - The splitting, for example - one minute I'm the best, most wonderful golden

>daughter ever, the next, I'm selfish, thoughtless, and don't care about my

>mother at all.

> - The rages: one of my biggest memories from childhood is her coming home from

>work to find I'd left an empty yoghurt pot on the living room coffee table and

>her going crazy about how I was selfish, took her for granted, was a terrible

>daughter etc.

> - The gameplaying/silent treatment: she used to ignore me for weeks on end,

>being chatty and friendly with her friends and giving me cold/off one-word

>answers while I desperately tried to get her to be nice to me. When she was

done

>with that she'd explode in rage, telling me all the horrible things I'd done.

>

> - The manipulation/apparent lying: she yelled at me last week for ignoring

her.

>I tried to explain that if I hadn't been in touch as much as usual it was

>probably because I was in the midst of a serious bout of depression and then

she

>started going on about how she'd been depressed for months too, virtually

>bed-bound, totally isolated (not how she seemed when I saw her a month ago and

>not how her friend described her when I spoke to him a week ago - they go out

at

>least twice a week at the moment according to him).

>

> - The inability to admit being wrong: I made the mistake of arguing with her

>after she'd attacked me verbally, going through things step by step,

rationally,

>until we got to the point where I was thinking 'she must be able to see now

that

>I wasn't being horrible and that she's made a mistake.' At that point she went

>completely hysterical, crying and yelling, 'Why do you always do this to me.

I'm

>too old for all this. Why do you bully me like this. If you keep doing this to

>me I'll have nothing left to live for.' At which point I panicked and backed

>down and soothingly told her she was right, I must be mad, I must have really

>done all those things she said I did.

>

> She has lost contact with every single relative apart from me (most of whom

>have cut off contact with her) and sort of forbidden me from being in touch

with

>them (well, how could you want to spend time with your Aunt A when you know how

>awful and terrible she's been with me). She makes friends really quickly (she's

>very chatty and engaging) but then has big rows with them, thinks they are then

>terrible people, and cuts off contact. She constantly feels like a victim, that

>she is treated terribly by everyone around her (neighbours, family, friends,

>shopkeepers). If I disagree with her on anything, even if completely impersonal

>(i.e. immigration policy in the UK), she sulks/gets angry. If I don't affirm

her

>views on how badly she is being treated (oh yes Mum. you're right, they are

>being awful to you, poor you) she sulks/gets angry. She gets jealous of my

>friends and boyfriend (you only care about them, you don't care about me). When

>she goes into a rage, her whole face changes. It's like she turns into a

>different person. Its really scary. She believes really implausible things

(i.e.

>her elderly neighbour is recording her movements through the walls with some

>equipment). If I suggest, in the nicest possible way, that maybe that might not

>be the case, she gets really angry with me.

>

>

> There is clearly something up but somehow I'm torn between believing she has a

>disorder of some kind or believing that she is just selfish and horrid and

could

>be nice if she really wanted to. I'm stuck right now.

>

>

> Would love to hear other people's experiences.

>

> Thanks for listening!

>

> SB

>

[Guest guest]

SB -

We may be across the ocean dear, but I could have almost written your post

myself word for word about my own mother.

I have just recently discovered my mother was BPD, around the holidays last

year. At first, I knew she probably had it but kept saying to myself she wasn't

" as bad " as the descriptions I was reading of others' nada's in this group.

Sometimes I would think maybe I made a mistake in pinning BPD on her.

As I started setting boundaries with my mom, one by one, her behavior escalated

proportionately and I realized the reason she had not been as extreme as what I

was reading in here was because I had always played by her rules. Like you, I

always tried to agree with her so as not to set her off into hysterical crying

spells or getting the cold shoulder/silent treatment.

While she has a history of devaluing me one minute, idolizing me the next, I was

unprepared that boundaries with her would cause her to devalue me even more and

even though I thought it would not be hurtful, its still been really hard.

Even through my discovery of BPD and finding this group, in the last 6 months

there have been times I wondered if mom was getting better and I made a mistake

about the BPD.

I think it's that inner natural desire, like Annie talks about, of desperately

wanting a loving, healthy mother relationship and our human nature of hoping

against hope one day we will have it.

Its really really difficult to finally accept that you will NEVER have a normal,

loving mother. She is sick. She cannot mother you like she is supposed to.

So all that rambling to say I understand. Its very difficult to accept and a

path that is unique to each person. Just keep protecting yourself, your own

emotions, and be cautious letting your guard down thinking your mom is better or

doesn't have BPD. It always comes back to bite.

You will get there in your own time. I'm so sorry, but it sounds like you are

already doing a great job by recognizing so many things your mom is doing to you

that aren't healthy.

(((HUGS)))

F

>

> Hello All,

>

> Wondering if anyone else on this list hasn't really been able to accept that

their parent has BPD? I've been seeing a therapist for around three months after

a heavy bout of depression and she has told me that she is fairly certain that

my mother has BPD. I've been reading 'Walking on Eggshells' and everything seems

to fit.

>

> - The splitting, for example - one minute I'm the best, most wonderful golden

daughter ever, the next, I'm selfish, thoughtless, and don't care about my

mother at all.

> - The rages: one of my biggest memories from childhood is her coming home from

work to find I'd left an empty yoghurt pot on the living room coffee table and

her going crazy about how I was selfish, took her for granted, was a terrible

daughter etc.

> - The gameplaying/silent treatment: she used to ignore me for weeks on end,

being chatty and friendly with her friends and giving me cold/off one-word

answers while I desperately tried to get her to be nice to me. When she was done

with that she'd explode in rage, telling me all the horrible things I'd done.

> - The manipulation/apparent lying: she yelled at me last week for ignoring

her. I tried to explain that if I hadn't been in touch as much as usual it was

probably because I was in the midst of a serious bout of depression and then she

started going on about how she'd been depressed for months too, virtually

bed-bound, totally isolated (not how she seemed when I saw her a month ago and

not how her friend described her when I spoke to him a week ago - they go out at

least twice a week at the moment according to him).

> - The inability to admit being wrong: I made the mistake of arguing with her

after she'd attacked me verbally, going through things step by step, rationally,

until we got to the point where I was thinking 'she must be able to see now that

I wasn't being horrible and that she's made a mistake.' At that point she went

completely hysterical, crying and yelling, 'Why do you always do this to me. I'm

too old for all this. Why do you bully me like this. If you keep doing this to

me I'll have nothing left to live for.' At which point I panicked and backed

down and soothingly told her she was right, I must be mad, I must have really

done all those things she said I did.

>

> She has lost contact with every single relative apart from me (most of whom

have cut off contact with her) and sort of forbidden me from being in touch with

them (well, how could you want to spend time with your Aunt A when you know how

awful and terrible she's been with me). She makes friends really quickly (she's

very chatty and engaging) but then has big rows with them, thinks they are then

terrible people, and cuts off contact. She constantly feels like a victim, that

she is treated terribly by everyone around her (neighbours, family, friends,

shopkeepers). If I disagree with her on anything, even if completely impersonal

(i.e. immigration policy in the UK), she sulks/gets angry. If I don't affirm her

views on how badly she is being treated (oh yes Mum. you're right, they are

being awful to you, poor you) she sulks/gets angry. She gets jealous of my

friends and boyfriend (you only care about them, you don't care about me). When

she goes into a rage, her whole face changes. It's like she turns into a

different person. Its really scary. She believes really implausible things (i.e.

her elderly neighbour is recording her movements through the walls with some

equipment). If I suggest, in the nicest possible way, that maybe that might not

be the case, she gets really angry with me.

>

> There is clearly something up but somehow I'm torn between believing she has a

disorder of some kind or believing that she is just selfish and horrid and could

be nice if she really wanted to. I'm stuck right now.

>

> Would love to hear other people's experiences.

>

> Thanks for listening!

>

> SB

>

[Guest guest]

My nada and yours sound like twins. I've been through so many of the same things

you've listed. Maybe minor details are different (I didn't always line up the

ashtrays perfectly as she wanted or I missed a piece of lint on the carpet under

the table after I vacuumed - both of which meant I was rotten and trying to kill

her). The stories are endless.

But yes, I know what you mean. My nada wasn't diagnosed as BPD by a therapist or

counselor. It was a counselor that was working with my husband that pointed it

out that my mom is most likely BPD. My nada still acts as she has for 80+

years; people ask me if she's getting dementia and I say she's always acted like

this. So most likely she is BPD. But there are times I wonder if I'm being

unfair to label her as such. But her behavior is so textbook that if she's not,

she's a good mimic.

Right now she's in the frantic, waif stage where she needs me every day for some

thing and I'm the only one that can help her. This morning she called because

she heard a noise in the chimney, thought her house was on fire. The

chimney/fireplace is non-functioning but she needed me to solve the problem. Of

course I'm her hero. Next week she may cut me off because I didn't do something

I should have known she wanted done. Whatever.

>

> Hello All,

>

> Wondering if anyone else on this list hasn't really been able to accept that

their parent has BPD? I've been seeing a therapist for around three months after

a heavy bout of depression and she has told me that she is fairly certain that

my mother has BPD. I've been reading 'Walking on Eggshells' and everything seems

to fit.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi, SB.

With the exception of thinking she's being spied on, just about everything else

you said about your nada sounds exactly like mine. Exactly.

I went years hoping that someday I could get her into therapy, someday things

might change. I went years hearing about how badly her sister treated her, how

badly her brother treated her, how badly her mother treated her. How Grandad

molested her when she was a teenager. Honest to God, she really *looked* and

*sounded* like someone who wanted to get better, who wanted to get into therapy,

who *could* actually improve.

She even was in therapy twice and dropped out both times. Hopes raised, then

dashed.

About six years ago her behavior got so annoying, then alarming, that I started

to do some digging. Apparently she left therapy when her therapist told her she

had serious problems and needed intensive help, and assigned her some homework

he wanted her to do. Apparently that big blowup in church that led to her

leaving the choir and her and my stepfather leaving the church he'd been a

member of since before he'd even known her actually went more like, She was

asked to leave because she was carrying tales and starting trouble between other

members. When my brother graduated from police academy she was on the outs with

me because I disagreed with her about something, and she spent the entire

evening huddling behind my brother's current girlfriend, shooting tragic looks

at everyone as if to say, " She's being so mean to me! " The tension was so thick

you could cut it with a knife. It was a horrible evening.

Then came the clincher. It seems that the evil sister who had treated her so

badly her entire life, who had borrowed thousands of dollars and not paid her

back, who talked about her behind her back...actually was molested when *she*

was young...BY NADA.

This was the point at which I finally gave up.

I know that such a person is never going to face up to her own pathology. As

long as I stayed in contact with her, things were going to stay the same or

worse. Her constant upsets and emotional tantrums and vendettas against other

people were going to rule my life, for the rest of my life.

I had been fantasizing about running away from home since I was four. I just

granted myself permission to do it.

I wish I could say life has been happy ever after since then. Unfortunately I

have screwed my life up so many ways through being raised in this family that

some of the damage can never be undone. I also made the mistake of signing up

to be power of attorney for a couple of mentally ill relatives who are turning

out to be wayyy more of a handful than I ever imagined in my worst nightmares.

So, I can't say life's been a bed of roses. But I do have one great

relationship--with my wonderful husband, a person who's so happy, well adjusted,

and upbeat that I don't even know how he picked me. And I don't have this

screaming banshee whining on and on and on, sending me 12 emails a week about

Bush being a Satanist, poison chem trails in the air, and God knows what

else. (She finds every kook on the web and believes everything they say, I

swear.)

Some BP's get better. Ours may not have the capacity.

(((((hugs))))

.

[Guest guest]

I think many of us could have written your letter,word for word We are part of a

club we would not want to belong to by choice. Having  a BPD in your life is

exhausting and we always keep hoping the BP will somehow realize how harmful

their behavior is . Hope springs eternal! Letting go of that hope is so hard to

do but is part of the journey that will free you of the guilt and the sadness

..You have many friends who understand this struggle and are there to help.You

are not alone!

[Guest guest]

This is the first post I have read on this message board and it sounds

suprisingly like my own situation with my mother. I am completely dumbfounded

and, at the same time, relieved that I am not the only one going through this. I

do feel like I am walking on eggshells with my mother. I never know what to say

to avoid triggering a complete meltdown.

Like many of those on the board I am sure, my mother and I have a very intense

and stormy relationship. I let the nice mother in but then she turns into the

nasty mother and I am angry at myself for letting her hurt me again. It has

always been like this. I am charmed and conned and then horribly, horribly

disappointed. I feel so resentful of her but at the same time desperately seek

her approval. My husband says I need to distance myself so she can't hurt me

anymore but how? I don't want to let her in anymore, but I don't want to hold on

to all this anger and resentment either.

Any suggestions?

[Guest guest]

This is a very good topic of discussion because I think we all have been in this

place at least once. I discovered my nada has BPD after seeing a therapist for

about 2 months. I was telling her how my nada rages, denies, isolates,

threatens, manipulates,etc. She told me, " you know what, Adrienne? I think your

mom has borderline personality disorder. " Those words changed my life. I read

" Walking on Eggshells " and it literally turned on a light in a dark room. I

became voracious with information. Read everything I could about it. I learned

how to deal with nada. I still wanted a relationship with her after I knew, but

setting boundaries was like lighting a fire near gasoline. It just resulted in

an explosion every time.

My life has been wonderful without her. I miss my mom, but I have a nada instead

and I just have to deal with it. the problem I have is when I say to myself " I

wish I had a normal mom " . You have to deal with the reality of the situation.

>

> Hello All,

>

> Wondering if anyone else on this list hasn't really been able to accept that

their parent has BPD? I've been seeing a therapist for around three months after

a heavy bout of depression and she has told me that she is fairly certain that

my mother has BPD. I've been reading 'Walking on Eggshells' and everything seems

to fit.

>

> - The splitting, for example - one minute I'm the best, most wonderful golden

daughter ever, the next, I'm selfish, thoughtless, and don't care about my

mother at all.

> - The rages: one of my biggest memories from childhood is her coming home from

work to find I'd left an empty yoghurt pot on the living room coffee table and

her going crazy about how I was selfish, took her for granted, was a terrible

daughter etc.

> - The gameplaying/silent treatment: she used to ignore me for weeks on end,

being chatty and friendly with her friends and giving me cold/off one-word

answers while I desperately tried to get her to be nice to me. When she was done

with that she'd explode in rage, telling me all the horrible things I'd done.

> - The manipulation/apparent lying: she yelled at me last week for ignoring

her. I tried to explain that if I hadn't been in touch as much as usual it was

probably because I was in the midst of a serious bout of depression and then she

started going on about how she'd been depressed for months too, virtually

bed-bound, totally isolated (not how she seemed when I saw her a month ago and

not how her friend described her when I spoke to him a week ago - they go out at

least twice a week at the moment according to him).

> - The inability to admit being wrong: I made the mistake of arguing with her

after she'd attacked me verbally, going through things step by step, rationally,

until we got to the point where I was thinking 'she must be able to see now that

I wasn't being horrible and that she's made a mistake.' At that point she went

completely hysterical, crying and yelling, 'Why do you always do this to me. I'm

too old for all this. Why do you bully me like this. If you keep doing this to

me I'll have nothing left to live for.' At which point I panicked and backed

down and soothingly told her she was right, I must be mad, I must have really

done all those things she said I did.

>

> She has lost contact with every single relative apart from me (most of whom

have cut off contact with her) and sort of forbidden me from being in touch with

them (well, how could you want to spend time with your Aunt A when you know how

awful and terrible she's been with me). She makes friends really quickly (she's

very chatty and engaging) but then has big rows with them, thinks they are then

terrible people, and cuts off contact. She constantly feels like a victim, that

she is treated terribly by everyone around her (neighbours, family, friends,

shopkeepers). If I disagree with her on anything, even if completely impersonal

(i.e. immigration policy in the UK), she sulks/gets angry. If I don't affirm her

views on how badly she is being treated (oh yes Mum. you're right, they are

being awful to you, poor you) she sulks/gets angry. She gets jealous of my

friends and boyfriend (you only care about them, you don't care about me). When

she goes into a rage, her whole face changes. It's like she turns into a

different person. Its really scary. She believes really implausible things (i.e.

her elderly neighbour is recording her movements through the walls with some

equipment). If I suggest, in the nicest possible way, that maybe that might not

be the case, she gets really angry with me.

>

> There is clearly something up but somehow I'm torn between believing she has a

disorder of some kind or believing that she is just selfish and horrid and could

be nice if she really wanted to. I'm stuck right now.

>

> Would love to hear other people's experiences.

>

> Thanks for listening!

>

> SB

>

[Guest guest]

Its a process, and it takes as long as it takes for each of us to finally accept

the reality that the way our mother treats us isn't because of anything we did

or didn't do, accept that she's not just angry at us, accept that she's not just

difficult, or that she's not just " having a bad day " ... we have to accept that

she is mentally ill.

Personality disorder is a genuine, severe mental illness and it doesn't " go

away " or " get better " without the patient acknowledging that she needs help and

earnestly seeking treatment and staying in treatment.

Our problems as KOs are:

To accept that we didn't cause our parent to be mentally ill, and we can't " fix "

it.

To accept that we are not responsible for our mentally ill parent's happiness.

Nothing we can possibly say or do can make someone with bpd be happy inside

herself. No human being can fill the empty void of nothingness that is at the

deepest core of the bpd person, where normal people have a sense of self-hood.

To accept that what we are feeling is *misplaced* guilt and *inappropriate*

responsibility for our parent's feelings. We've been trained (brainwashed) from

birth to feel guilty and responsible if mommy or daddy is feeling sad, or

feeling angry at us, or feeling suicidal, or whatever.

To accept that we were not put here on this earth to be anyone's emotional

punching bag, substitute spouse, slave, or to be our mother's parent. That is

emotional abuse. Each human being has the right to his or her own life, and

each adult is responsible for his or her own happiness. Including YOUR mother

or father.

So, we have a lot of de-programming to do on ourselves. The brainwashing is

hard to un-do, but its possible. If you're feeling stuck and mired in the

inappropriate guilt and repeating the same cycles of accepting abuse over and

over again, then therapy (with the right therapist) can be really helpful.

-Annie

>

> This is the first post I have read on this message board and it sounds

suprisingly like my own situation with my mother. I am completely dumbfounded

and, at the same time, relieved that I am not the only one going through this. I

do feel like I am walking on eggshells with my mother. I never know what to say

to avoid triggering a complete meltdown.

>

> Like many of those on the board I am sure, my mother and I have a very intense

and stormy relationship. I let the nice mother in but then she turns into the

nasty mother and I am angry at myself for letting her hurt me again. It has

always been like this. I am charmed and conned and then horribly, horribly

disappointed. I feel so resentful of her but at the same time desperately seek

her approval. My husband says I need to distance myself so she can't hurt me

anymore but how? I don't want to let her in anymore, but I don't want to hold on

to all this anger and resentment either.

>

> Any suggestions?

>

[Guest guest]

Me too. It is almost like I am stuck into feeling miserable. That is where I am

comfortable. I go NC for a while but then breakdown and sent something for

mother's day. Only because she pays for my daughter's private school. Her thing

is always thanking and acknowledging a gift. so she gets it on friday and i dont

hear a word. i break down and call yesterday and she admitted that she got it on

friday.  we chatted briefly and then i said i wanted to make sure she had

gotten

the gift and she makes the mistake of saying that she wanted to force me to

call

her. i laughed and said she won. she laughed too. i can see that it is nothing

more than a sick, twisted way of controlling. she wants a phone call. she is

going to get a phone call so that i can listen to her talk about her illness,

her negativity.

it was so revealing that she doesn't have any concern about me and her

granddaughter. she wants emails from my daughter with autism. my daughter can't

stand her. i can't find work so i should get something temporary even though

that is not as easy as it sounds.

i want to get unstuck and healthy because i am going to have to deal with my

son's issues. the whole dysfunction was past onto my children because i have

atrocious taste in men.....stemming from being treated like shit from both of my

parents.

it is hard to accept especially since for many years my childhood was idealized

and my abuse was denied. would a private therapist help? thanks in advance.

 

Felicia Ward

Remember that people often have different perceptions of the same reality. You

can both be right, and no one has to be wrong, if each of you is willing to let

the other person have his or her perceptions and if both of you are willing to

compromise. 

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Fri, May 6, 2011 7:07:39 PM

Subject: Re: Anyone not yet really accepted that their

parent(s) has BPD?

 

This is the first post I have read on this message board and it sounds

suprisingly like my own situation with my mother. I am completely dumbfounded

and, at the same time, relieved that I am not the only one going through this. I

do feel like I am walking on eggshells with my mother. I never know what to say

to avoid triggering a complete meltdown.

Like many of those on the board I am sure, my mother and I have a very intense

and stormy relationship. I let the nice mother in but then she turns into the

nasty mother and I am angry at myself for letting her hurt me again. It has

always been like this. I am charmed and conned and then horribly, horribly

disappointed. I feel so resentful of her but at the same time desperately seek

her approval. My husband says I need to distance myself so she can't hurt me

anymore but how? I don't want to let her in anymore, but I don't want to hold on

to all this anger and resentment either.

Any suggestions?