Out, Out, Damned Guilt!

March 15, 2011

I'm sort of a " newbie " here, and I've learned so much from reading all of your

posts. I've even responded to a few posts as well. Right now, though I think I'm

beginning to feel a little like " info overload " . I've read so many books on BPD,

including SWOE, and Understanding the Borderline Mother. Plus, I've been in

therapy ever since my nada's suicide attempt last November. At my last visit

with my T, she noticed by reading my body language that I seemed to be

" exhausted " . I told her that I was feeling exhausted and " burned out " . I think

it's because I have been working so hard at trying to maintain a " healthy "

relationship with nada ( " healthy " for me at least). Nada has no idea how hard it

has been for me, and even if she did know, she would not care, since she is

incapable of seeing beyond her own selfish needs. The past 4 months, since her

suicide attempt, have been one power struggle after another. I have set new

boundaries and enforced old ones, while she has kicked and screamed all the way.

She has respected some boundaries, but has blatantly disregarded others. I still

have a LOT of unresolved anger, and I can't even stand to be in the same room

with her for very long. It takes all of the emotional energy I can muster just

to stay calm and not take the bait when she tries to antagonize me into a fight

so she can play the victim.

Anyway, my T thinks I need a break. Although I have been in LC with her for a

while, she thinks I maybe need to ramp it up to extreme LC, or even NC for a

period of time just to give myself a *mental time-out*, so to speak. I totally

agree with her, and so does my DH. The problem is, that it's not that easy,

since nada lives about 10 min. from us. There is also the issue of our 6 y/o

daughter. Nada feels that it is her God-given right to see " her grandaughter "

anytime and as often as she wants - and she has let me know that in no uncertain

terms.

I am NOT trying to keep my daughter from seeing her, but I know that it seems

that way to nada. I feel so guilty about it. I mean, just because I can't stand

to be around nada right now, my daughter lives with me, and so in a way, I am

indirectly keeping her from seeing her " nana " . My daughter loves her " nana " , and

I really do want for them to have a relationship. However, as my T put it, " if

she is too toxic for you to be around, then she is too toxic to be around your

daughter. " Intellectually, I know this is true, but emotionally, I feel like I'm

being the selfish bitch.

I'm agonizing over this. I have been ignoring nada's calls - I just let them go

to voicemail. Whenever she calls, she makes it a point to let me know that she

is not interested in seeing me or DH, because she says things like, " I'd like to

come over and see MY grandaughter " . UGH! As if my daughter is just some object

that I'm withholding from her. I don't know how much longer I can keep ignoring

her calls before she just plows over my boundaries and shows up on my doorstep

unannounced. She will NOT tolerate being ignored or feeling like she is being

shut-out for very long.

I'd be very interested to know how other parents have handled situations with

the " GRANDNADA " . Suggestions anyone??

March 15, 2011

That is a really tough situation. Recently, I made the decision to go NC with

my NADA. I started by telling her I needed a temporary separation. It was easy

in my case because we live on opposite ends of the country and there is an event

this month where we have to see each other. We had an episode in October. I

was having surgery in another state, near where I grew up. I asked her to help

me out by taking me to the doctor, which was 45 minutes from where I was

staying, and driving me back. She totally resented having to be there to help

me and only did it because she felt like she couldn't say no. 11:00 pm the

night before my surgery, in the hotel room near the hospital, she goes into a

screaming rampage about every mistake I ever made between the ages of 8 and 25.

I'm 49, so this was all old stuff. After I got back to my home state from the

surgery, we had some ridiculous e-mail exchanges, and finally, on January 1st I

sent her a letter saying I needed as break and that I would not be seeing or

talking to her before the event, which is in a week and a half. I intended to

go NC after that. If I did that, she would rarely get to see my children. My

feelings about how to deal with that loss for her was to tell her, sorry, I am a

package deal; you don't get them without me. But then a friend of mine pointed

out that my kids might end up resenting that I have taken something from them.

She's not a warm and fuzzy nana type at all, but on the other hand, she does not

abuse them and, although they are not close with her, they don't think anything

bad about her. Well, I do care about my relationship with my kids, more than

anything. And I don't want them coming back in 10 or 15 years and saying, why

did you take my grandma from me. So I have already decided that she can have

access to them. I am wavering now on whether to go LC or NC with her in my

relationship, but either way, she can call and visit my children any time, but

can't stay at my home. Of course, since she lives so far away, this will in

effect mean that she will not see them as much, but that won't be my fault, I

have said she can call them, write to them and visit any time. Having your

mother 10 minutes away is much harder. Maybe you can set limits on what days

and times she can visit your kids. And whether you will be present or not.

Good luck.

Gail

> I'm sort of a " newbie " here, and I've learned so much from reading all of your