Re: Dale whining again

[Guest guest]

Dear Dale,

I know you and I hope you know that you are a wonderfully funny,caring and

intelligent person!! ( I have met Dale at one of our connections) And a very

good writer! I just had to tell you that. I do not know if that will make

you feel better but I had to tell you. I also am going through the " slumpy

slump " too. I do not know if that helps but I hear misery enjoys company. I

am really sorry you have had a rough couple of weeks and I hope you come out

of this soon. Be good to yourself, chin up and cheer up!!!!

Dale whining again

> Well let's see here, I'm still fighting a sinus infection (it is getting

> better however), no word from the insurance company on the pump, my legs

or

> so tight that I can barely walk and its sleeting outside. Add to this

> several happenings in the last week and sorry folks but it's time for

> another whiny ass letter from Dale, if you don't want to read it just

delete

> it now, you've been warned.

>

> I know a lot of it is the infection but it's hard not to be a melancholy

and

> a little feel sorry for yourself. I had several instances happen in the

> last couple weeks that I realize has just gotten to me. For instance, on

> January 26 I was officially terminated from HP because there is no chance

of

> my coming back and in the last week I have had to be working with them to

do

> transfers of my 401 and pension plan into a roll over IRA. This is the

> first time in my life that I was ever terminated by a company and the last

> week, it's just made it feel so permanent. I know I will never go back to

> being able to do the work that I have loved. Along with it has gone a big

> part of how I was able to measure myself and I still haven't figured out

new

> ways to do that.

>

> It's been a little over 17 months now since my first incident and it just

> does not slow down. I can barely walk with the walker and can see a

> wheelchair in my near future unless the pump works well for me. I can

> barely do anything around the house any more but I have been able to cook

> but even that is becoming very difficult. My neighbor across the street

is

> having a big problem with his hip and left leg. He has a lot of pain and

> can barely move and is seeing a specialist today. So to help brighten up

> his day I asked his wife what is his favorite dessert is and she told me

he

> really loves peanut butter cookies. Now in the old days I could just whip

> these out real quick but now I do it in stages. The night before I get

> everything out and ready the next morning I put together the dry

ingredients

> and cream the other ingredients with the mixer. Finally, later I mix the

> two together and start the baking. What I noticed last night was that I

> could barely put the batter on the cookie sheet, my hands would just not

> work well. I was able to do it but was great difficulty.

>

> This follows on Sunday I was playing a board game that I played for years

> it's a World War II simulation game that can have hundreds of counters and

I

> noticed I could barely handle the counters anymore even using the

tweezers.

> I realized my playing days were numbered.

>

> This weekend my brother-in-law, who is a great guy, came down to do some

> jobs around the house for me. I got to watch him do all those fun things

> that I used to love to do. He brought along his little two-year-old and

she

> was great fun. One time I stood up and fell over right in front of her,

of

> course she looked at me like " what is wrong with you Uncle Dale " and of

> course I just made a funny out of it. But I started thinking that she is

> just going to know me as a gimp. In this phase depressing thoughts always

> multiply and I started thinking that when my daughter marries I won't be

> able to walk her down the aisle nor will my son-in-law or grandkids will

> know me any other way than this. I know I know, I'm just getting in to

one

> of those " poor Dale " modes.

>

> Speaking of falling, that's another new development the last couple weeks.

> Whenever I feel like I'm going to fall in my brain sends a signal to my

legs

> to tighten a muscle all my muscles in my legs lock up and I fall like a

> tree. I can even get my knees to bend so I can fall easily, even my wife

> says it looks weird.

>

> My speaking has been getting worse off and on also. Thursday night, had

> four neighbors over to discuss a few things around the table. I was real

> tired that day, and find that as I get more tired it gets difficult for me

> to keep my thoughts going and be able to speak. I started getting very

> halting and slurring and remember thinking " I'm not dumb, really! " It was

> just so frustrating watching them watching me and waiting for me to finish

> my comment. This scares me most of all because what happens if I can't

even

> talk to those people that will come to know me in the future?

>

> Because my legs are so stiff I found out this week I can't even clip my

> toenails and have to have my wife help me. Today, Jen is cleaning the

house

> and I can't help, oh I dusted for about five minutes I got so tired I had

to

> lay down. She was great, says she understands but I don't think I do, I

> hate not being able to do hardly anything. And see the a few things I can

> do, slipping away.

>

> I started this letter this morning and am feeling a little better this

> afternoon and I'm sure I will turn around again in a day or two. I'll

like

> putting these things to paper, because it seems to make me feel better and

> focus my thoughts on what is really bothering me. The other reason is I

do

> this, is to let others know, especially the newbies, that it is natural

for

> everyone to go through the stages. It's not the end of the world, this

too

> shall pass. As an old-timer on the list, (next month is my one-year

> anniversary :-) I know people hear me say you have to get over it and

accept

> what is happening to you. That we all go through these mini depressions

is

> known, the secret is trying to get over them as quickly as possible. I

> still struggling with things like: how do I measure myself so I don't feel

> worthless? How do I keep the guilt of not being able to help from eating

me

> up? And that is where family, friends, pets and especially this list,

comes

> into play.

>

> To all those people that are already at the physical stage I'm heading to,

> you have my greatest respect. I enjoy the things I can still do and am

> thankful for them but it's hard not to dwell on what I was losing. It's

> just so surreal, part of me keeps thinking, hoping, that I'm going to wake

> up from this nightmare.

>

> So there you have it, I think it's actually good that we have days like

this

> as long as we don't dwell in the cellar too long. I think most of you

know

> that in a day or two I will be back to my wonderful, cheerful self,

because

> if I'm not my wife will kick me in my butt :-). He

>

> Thanks for listening,

>

> dale

>

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>

[Guest guest]

Thanks , at least for me I have to have days like that or it just stays

hidden deep inside. But like your writing, people read that and realize

they are not alone in these feelings.

dale

Re: Dale whining again