heartsick & needing friends

[Guest guest]

This is a very long, depressing message. Don't hesitate to pass on it if you want.

I've been pretty down for the last few days. As some of you know, my daughter Ginny had not spoken to me for over 2 years after I confronted her about a cell phone bill (long story). Then in January of 2003 her ex-husband & his mom both called me, saying Ginny was extremely ill, might not make it. I went to San to see her, with my other daughter Theresa & Theresa's daughter, , who is 14. I'm Sam's guardian. We didn't call Ginny, just went. I was afraid she would refuse to see me, but I had to try. She just came to me with arms out and hugged me long & hard. We have maintained contact since then, by phone & email. There are still many unresolved issues, but I decided to accept the relationship on the level that was available, although I definitely did not trust Ginny.

Ginny came to Indiana for Christmas, with a referral to see a specialist at Indiana Univ. Medical Center in Indianapolis. She's had recurrent pancreatitis for a year and has had 8 ERCP's (flexible scope down through the mouth & stomach, dye injected into the pancreatic duct system) to try to improve the drainage system in the pancreas. She has lost a lot of weight due to pain & vomiting. She got here 12/22. We had a nice Christmas Eve, with my son Brad here, along with my mom & Sam. Sam's mom Theresa & her kids didn't come until Christmas morning; several excuses, she blamed Ginny & Ginny blamed her. Anyway, Ginny was the caring, loving aunt to Sam; concerned about her recent suicide attempt (which was serious); her mother's avoidance of seeing & talking to Sam, etc. I was actually hopeful that Ginny had really had a change of heart, because she talked about realizing the importance of her family since she had been so sick.

Christmas morning, Ginny left for her dad's in Indianapolis, before Theresa got here. Theresa, Sam & the other kids went to her dad's later, along with Ginny, Brad & his girlfriend, their dad's adult stepkids & spouses. Then late Christmas evening, Ginny called & told me that her wallet with $150 was missing from her purse, as well as her stepmom's (my ex's wife Debbie) engagement ring, which had been in her underwear drawer. Ginny suspected Sam, she said, because of Sam's history (shoplifting once & stealing money using my ATM card) and that Sam had been upstairs by herself, where the purses were. I told Ginny that with a whole houseful of people, Sam couldn't have been the only one up there, but she was insistent, saying she was sorry to ruin Christmas for me. I told her it wasn't going to ruin my Christmas because that's not what Christmas is about for me. Then I hung up & called my friend Connie for advice. While I was talking to Connie, my ex-husband Allan called & said he didn't think Sam did it, that Ginny had acted funny, kept telling Debbie she needed to check on her jewelry, until Debbie finally did & found her ring missing. The next day, my son Brad called & told me he didn't think Sam did it either.

So, no proof of anything, but my gut told me Sam didn't do it. (There are some other past incidents involving Ginny that I won't go into here, but I have reasons not to trust her.) I told Sam about the missing wallet & ring, because I knew she would hear about it. I also told her that her Grandpa, her Uncle Brad & I did not believe that she took them. She was pretty upset & said that she would be uncomfortable going to Allan & Debbie's, even though I reassured her. This was all on Friday. Monday, Sam & I took Ginny to I.U. for her pre-op appt. Tuesday, Allan & I were both there for Ginny's surgery, which went very well; the specialist thinks he fixed the problem. While Ginny was still zonked out, the nurse asked if she would need a prescription for pain & I looked in her purse to see how many pain pills she had. Allan was watching & said, "Is this the missing wallet?" Sure enough, there was Ginny's wallet, with credit cards, etc. all there. So I looked in the rest of the purse & in a zippered pocket found Debbie's ring. Allan took the ring & then he took Ginny home with them Tuesday night to recover. She is supposed to return here this weekend & stay until she leaves 1/8. Allan does not intend to confront Ginny because he says she will just accuse Sam or Theresa of planting the ring & wallet in her purse. He's probably right, but I intend to confront her anyway. Of all the people to frame, she picked a 14 year old child who is very fragile emotionally, having a difficult time trusting the right people, and is on probation. I don't know if she is just totally self-centered, not considering the effect this could have on Sam, or if she is sociopathic or just plain evil. I explained it as gently as I could to Sam, reminding her that lots of people in her life love her and can be trusted. She was shocked, but seemed to take the news pretty well. I told her that she did not have to love her aunt, or even have a relationship of any kind with her. She doesn't mind if Ginny comes back here as planned, but she doesn't want to be alone with her, because she is afraid Ginny will accuse her of something else. Allan says he plans to tell Ginny that she is not welcome in his house any more, once she leaves. I can't just turn my back on her, even though I'm furious, disappointed, hurt, mistrustful, fearful. Has anyone gone through this kind of experience with their children? Ginny was a difficult teenager, and Allan & I made some terrible mistakes with her. She seemed to bring out the worst in both of us. I've tried not to make the same mistakes with Sam, although Sam tends to hurt herself, while Ginny was more reckless & put others at risk. I love her, I missed her during those years of estrangement & I want to maintain some kind of connection, but not at Sam's expense. I have lots of book knowledge about emotional disorders, but that doesn't help in this situation.

Ginny had many childhood hurts: abandoned by her birth mother after never really bonding with her, poor substitute mothering by Allan's mom until I married him, an immature father who tried, but didn't really have the tools to meet their needs, then a very unprepared step/adoptive mom (me) who didn't realize until the last few years how damaged these girls really were. I do think that Ginny's destiny is out of my hands, maybe even hers now, while Sam still has a chance, but I don't think I can detach from Ginny, even though she has done a horrible thing. Now, she may detach from me & I would respect her choice if she does. Is there a way through this mess? Many people are praying & have been praying. Sam & I are in therapy, with good therapists. Ginny & Theresa won't go. You can probably tell that I am totally lost.

Thank you for listening, those who have stuck it out this far. I don't know how I would survive without all the wisdom, love & support I have received from my neurosarc family. And I'm still working on those holiday cards! I want to show my appreciation for all of you. I have cards taped up around the doorway into my living room, so I see the cards several times a day. Just seeing them is comforting. Well, I've rambled on long enough. Your Ramblin' Rose