Re: For Dee and all ladies @ sex

July 9, 2006

HI Joyce, A real motormouth tonight hon, so fair warning. LOL

We're all different with how we handle things so I can only go by my own experience and at one time did feel like you so I know how tough that can be. I was single for 20 some yrs after a 20 yr marriage and had previously dated during that time and had relationships and during my worst times even broke up a nice long term relationship because I felt so bad for him (the physical pain for me was horrible) but emotionally I still felt worse for him and thought It wasn't fair to him.

He was as gentle and kind as could be so it wasn't his fault at all but believe it or not... you know what drove me crazy? His 'always' asking me 'Am I hurting you, are you ok?"!! It was a constant reminder and I just wished he'd shut up about it, and do it and be done with it. *sigh*

At that time though the pleasure usually overcame the pain... but things did get worse in the pain area and we just couldn't have sex. That's when I thought time for him to hopefully find someone else. It was so stupid in hindsite yet was what I needed to do but it wasn't a great love affair either so that made a difference. (Thank goodness though for down the road, as they say one door closes, another opens. *smile*)

So for the next 3 yrs I went into a shell and of course had to remain totally celibate because of the pain. I dressed down where before I loved feeling sexual and dressing with an elegant type of sensuality (but subtle I don't mean trashy) *chuckle* but then it was 'don't even look at me' because I sure didnt want to be asked out for a date. No way... same reason, how could I 'ever' tell a man about this?

I looked frumpy and dowdy and didn't want to even make eye contact if I thought someone was attracted to me. I think some co workers must have thought I was a lesbian (nothing wrong with that but I'm not) since they'd often ask why am I not dating, knowing that wasn't me or my nature.

Anyway I finally met someone (just incidentally) that I had a physical attraction to ..... and WOW did that peak my inspiration & motivation to get well BIG TIME. I'd always been highly sexual and loved it and if I could have been cursed that was it, I was sure I'd be an old maid the rest of my life.

So I was thrilled to know that the libido 'was' there and still working *chuckle* Where before I knew I needed every bit of energy to focus on 'me' to get well and couldn't be distracted with a partner that I'd have to be concerned about.

That's when I did the most thorough research ever.. determined to get well and I did....*smile* or thought I was ready to put the make on him *grin* he became a friend but I knew he was always attracted to me.

I was scared to death to finally do 'it'.... and maybe like you thinking your 80% better but maybe it's just the fear yet and it is more than 80% better and if you met the right person and I don't mean it has to be the right relationship perse but someone who really does a trick with your libido, and floats your boat, *chuckle* and you might be shocked at how your body responds. More than you even think and by the way I too am menopausal. *smile*

But seeing you mention how do you get those youthful hormones or libido back? Hon, GET on your hormone replacement and I definitely mean adding Testosterone TO your estrogen BIG TIME. (after getting your hormone levels tested ) I've been on Estradiol for probably 15 or more years and added the Testosterone about 7 years ago and would never give up either one. *smile* So I take both sublingually 'daily' 365, for my whole body benefits for my HRT, and then use both topically (peasize) with the creams just twice a week for the vulvar tissue to keep that healthy.

Anyway that person was sort of the one I used to 'test' things out with (I'm sure he didn't mind, LOL) and I didn't say much at all about my condition and just prayed I'd be ok. I was scared to death to say anything, but luckily I didn't need to as I felt pretty well healed, and things were wonderful, WOW did it feel good again, just like riding a bicycle you don't forget, LOL but he was moving away and we knew it wasn't more than that.

Anyway I did start dating again and it was fairly easy to talk about it by basically just saying 'I have this 'skin condition'' I didn't want to use big names or terms or have them fear it was something contagious, as men (esp. new men) can get so squeamish about those things and run away before there's even time to explain it.

I'd simply say I have this 'skin condition' (never say disease) and it just happens to be 'down there' and some of the time I may be just fine but other times not and he'd have to understand that it had nothing to do with him. Usually I found they were very curious about it and I never had anyone run away because of it, they were very understanding.

Of course from then on they knew about the groups and learned a lot and thought it was great to see us trying to help one another.

Oh and about the fear of having sex after not having it for so long? Believe me that even lingers for about six months afterwards (with me it did) I kept thinking each time, ''OMG IS it back?'' if there was the least little bit of tenderness, till I had to remind myself that normal women get that at times too.

But you do sort of hold your breath and hope it goes away and it did. SO that does take time to overcome the psychological aspects of it. After living with it for 10 yrs it's such a habit we 'expect' it to hurt.*sigh* and why I'm thinking perhaps you are more than 80% well (no idea of course)

Anyway guess what? I just got remarried last Christmas time. *smile* Found my prince after kissing a lot of frogs LOL and the sex is as great as ever *wink* *chuckle* (plus he's got the libido of a 25 yr old I swear) LOL whew.....and I love dressing sexy again *wink* and he knows all about everything as I sure am educating him, *grin* and it's just so easy to talk about anything at all, at this age, no inhibitions. But that's him too and he makes it easy.

In my instance hon I am well as long as I maintain a couple of times a week with my two hormone creams topically, the E & T and being well it's a lot easier to talk about it 'now'... but I sure remember how awkward it was and so hard years ago esp. being single, so I do understand and my heart goes out to all of you single people in that position. I just want you to have hope and faith that believe me things are far from over for you.

There can be a great life out there yet to be discovered and never give up that thought but I hope you do give up that 'ready for the convent' idea tho *chuckle* and menopause or not has nothing to do with it IF you get your hormones balanced you'll feel wonderful overall.

Sorry for my $1.99 cents worth tonight just rambling, forgive me and I hope others chime in with some good suggestions and I do hope those of you who have many other conditions in addition to V pain, please know I mean no offense or think it's that simple to overcome, it's not obviously, but speaking to those who have basically skin tissue problems & pain, not other major problems in addition to that. Believe me my heart goes out to you all.

HugsDee

..

July 9, 2006

Dee, Thanks for the 'ego boost.'What a 'beautiful' writing you just

sent:) I don't believe I have ever had my hormones checked??

But I do remember asking my gyn @ the " T " and she would not give me

a script for it. No idea why???? I am not sure if my GP or my

Pain Dr. would cross the line on that one.

I plan on moving slowly w/ this relationship or any other if that

happens.

Once again, thanks a bunch!!!

Joyce

P.S. Did you ever consider writing articles for a magazine etc.

b/c you have elegant writing skills????

July 10, 2006

Dee,

Thanks so much for sharing this story. I sent it to my

daughter - who dresses exactly as you described - and

who has had one relationship with a woman since vv, I

think more because she doesn't want to deal with men

than because she was attracted to the woman. She is

now 28 (11 years of vv).

I know it is risky to share personal info on the board

- and I appreciated that you did share this.

- (McTwirly)

--- DeeTroll wrote:

> HI Joyce, A real motormouth tonight hon, so

> fair warning. LOL

>

> We're all different with how we handle things so I

> can only go by my own experience and at one time did

> feel like you so I know how tough that can be. I

> was single for 20 some yrs after a 20 yr marriage

> and had previously dated during that time and had

> relationships and during my worst times even broke

> up a nice long term relationship because I felt so

> bad for him (the physical pain for me was horrible)

> but emotionally I still felt worse for him and

> thought It wasn't fair to him.

>

> He was as gentle and kind as could be so it wasn't

> his fault at all but believe it or not... you know

> what drove me crazy? His 'always' asking me 'Am I

> hurting you, are you ok? " !! It was a constant

> reminder and I just wished he'd shut up about it,

> and do it and be done with it. *sigh*

>

> At that time though the pleasure usually overcame

> the pain... but things did get worse in the pain

> area and we just couldn't have sex. That's when I

> thought time for him to hopefully find someone else.

> It was so stupid in hindsite yet was what I needed

> to do but it wasn't a great love affair either so

> that made a difference. (Thank goodness though for

> down the road, as they say one door closes, another

> opens. *smile*)

>

> So for the next 3 yrs I went into a shell and of

> course had to remain totally celibate because of the

> pain. I dressed down where before I loved feeling

> sexual and dressing with an elegant type of

> sensuality (but subtle I don't mean trashy)

> *chuckle* but then it was 'don't even look at me'

> because I sure didnt want to be asked out for a

> date. No way... same reason, how could I 'ever' tell

> a man about this?

>

> I looked frumpy and dowdy and didn't want to even

> make eye contact if I thought someone was attracted

> to me. I think some co workers must have thought I

> was a lesbian (nothing wrong with that but I'm not)

> since they'd often ask why am I not dating, knowing

> that wasn't me or my nature.

>

> Anyway I finally met someone (just incidentally)

> that I had a physical attraction to ..... and WOW

> did that peak my inspiration & motivation to get

> well BIG TIME. I'd always been highly sexual and

> loved it and if I could have been cursed that was

> it, I was sure I'd be an old maid the rest of my

> life.

>

> So I was thrilled to know that the libido 'was'

> there and still working *chuckle* Where before I

> knew I needed every bit of energy to focus on 'me'

> to get well and couldn't be distracted with a

> partner that I'd have to be concerned about.

>

> That's when I did the most thorough research ever..

> determined to get well and I did....*smile* or

> thought I was ready to put the make on him *grin* he

> became a friend but I knew he was always attracted

> to me.

>

> I was scared to death to finally do 'it'.... and

> maybe like you thinking your 80% better but maybe

> it's just the fear yet and it is more than 80%

> better and if you met the right person and I don't

> mean it has to be the right relationship perse but

> someone who really does a trick with your libido,

> and floats your boat, *chuckle* and you might be

> shocked at how your body responds. More than you

> even think and by the way I too am menopausal.

> *smile*

>

> But seeing you mention how do you get those youthful

> hormones or libido back? Hon, GET on your hormone

> replacement and I definitely mean adding

> Testosterone TO your estrogen BIG TIME. (after

> getting your hormone levels tested ) I've been on

> Estradiol for probably 15 or more years and added

> the Testosterone about 7 years ago and would never

> give up either one. *smile* So I take both

> sublingually 'daily' 365, for my whole body benefits

> for my HRT, and then use both topically (peasize)

> with the creams just twice a week for the vulvar

> tissue to keep that healthy.

>

> Anyway that person was sort of the one I used to

> 'test' things out with (I'm sure he didn't mind,

> LOL) and I didn't say much at all about my condition

> and just prayed I'd be ok. I was scared to death to

> say anything, but luckily I didn't need to as I

> felt pretty well healed, and things were wonderful,

> WOW did it feel good again, just like riding a

> bicycle you don't forget, LOL but he was moving away

> and we knew it wasn't more than that.

>

> Anyway I did start dating again and it was fairly

> easy to talk about it by basically just saying 'I

> have this 'skin condition'' I didn't want to use

> big names or terms or have them fear it was

> something contagious, as men (esp. new men) can get

> so squeamish about those things and run away before

> there's even time to explain it.

>

> I'd simply say I have this 'skin condition' (never

> say disease) and it just happens to be 'down there'

> and some of the time I may be just fine but other

> times not and he'd have to understand that it had

> nothing to do with him. Usually I found they were

> very curious about it and I never had anyone run

> away because of it, they were very understanding.

>

> Of course from then on they knew about the groups

> and learned a lot and thought it was great to see us

> trying to help one another.

>

> Oh and about the fear of having sex after not having

> it for so long? Believe me that even lingers for

> about six months afterwards (with me it did) I kept

> thinking each time, ''OMG IS it back?'' if there was

> the least little bit of tenderness, till I had to

> remind myself that normal women get that at times

> too.

>

> But you do sort of hold your breath and hope it goes

> away and it did. SO that does take time to overcome

> the psychological aspects of it. After living with

> it for 10 yrs it's such a habit we 'expect' it to

> hurt.*sigh* and why I'm thinking perhaps you are

> more than 80% well (no idea of course)

>

> Anyway guess what? I just got remarried last

> Christmas time. *smile* Found my prince after

> kissing a lot of frogs LOL and the sex is as great

> as ever *wink* *chuckle* (plus he's got the libido

> of a 25 yr old I swear) LOL whew.....and I love

> dressing sexy again *wink* and he knows all about

> everything as I sure am educating him, *grin* and

> it's just so easy to talk about anything at all, at

> this age, no inhibitions. But that's him too and he

> makes it easy.

>

> In my instance hon I am well as long as I maintain a

> couple of times a week with my two hormone creams

> topically, the E & T and being well it's a lot

> easier to talk about it 'now'... but I sure remember

> how awkward it was and so hard years ago esp. being

> single, so I do understand and my heart goes out to

> all of you single people in that position. I just

> want you to have hope and faith that believe me

> things are far from over for you.

>

> There can be a great life out there yet to be

> discovered and never give up that thought but I hope

> you do give up that 'ready for the convent' idea tho

> *chuckle* and menopause or not has nothing to do

> with it IF you get your hormones balanced you'll

> feel wonderful overall.

>

> Sorry for my $1.99 cents worth tonight just

> rambling, forgive me and I hope others chime in with

> some good suggestions and I do hope those of you who

> have many other conditions in addition to V pain,

> please know I mean no offense or think it's that

> simple to overcome, it's not obviously, but speaking

> to those who have basically skin tissue problems &

> pain, not other major problems in addition to that.

> Believe me my heart goes out to you all.

>

> Hugs

> Dee

>

> .

>

__________________________________________________

July 10, 2006

I wonder about using the Kamasutra game - a board game

that concentrates more on touching and erotica than on

penetration. I have to admit I've bought it (Amazon)

and havn't used it with my spouse yet - I feel a

little silly - but I want him to know that I am

interested in him and I want to keep our physical

relationship alive through this - how ever long it

lasts!

--- jteachit wrote:

> OK, so I have met a man and it could turn into

> something??

> However, I have purposely NOT had a relationship for

> 7 years

> b/c of the possible burning/pain that may never go

> away:(

> I still have @ 20% pain today and it has never relly

> totally

> disappeared. And of course, menopause. How and

> what do I do for

> the 'lack of young hormones' that no longer work for

> the possible

> ease of sex??? ANd how does one tell a new man in my

> life, what I have

> and what I deal w/ everyday of my life??? I feel so

> helpless trying to

> start a relationship w/ any man. I'm not looking to

> marry, but I feel as

> if I should be in a convent at this point. So many

> of you have told

> of your dealings w/ sex and this disease, that I'm

> afraid of going there

> ever again.

> Thanks for all the input.

> I just love this group and only wish I could give

> you all a group hug.

> Joyce

>

__________________________________________________

July 10, 2006

Becky, Thank you for the suggestions. You/Dee have been so

inspiring @ a very delicate topic. Since I have joined this board,

I read the posts just @ everyday and learn something new too.

Your heartful caring means a great deal to me as a woman. I have copied

and pasted these posts onto my computer, so when I become down @ this

horrible disease, I can read them and know there are women here

that have sooo much to teach to me and share their most personal

experiences.

I love and respect all of you sooo very much.

Thanks again and I'll keep you posted @ this new man in my life.

Hugs:)

Joyce

July 10, 2006

Becky, Thank you for the suggestions. You/Dee have been so

inspiring @ a very delicate topic. Since I have joined this board,

I read the posts just @ everyday and learn something new too.

Your heartful caring means a great deal to me as a woman. I have copied

and pasted these posts onto my computer, so when I become down @ this

horrible disease, I can read them and know there are women here

that have sooo much to teach to me and share their most personal

experiences.

I love and respect all of you sooo very much.

Thanks again and I'll keep you posted @ this new man in my life.

Hugs:)

Joyce

July 10, 2006

Becky, Thank you for the suggestions. You/Dee have been so

inspiring @ a very delicate topic. Since I have joined this board,

I read the posts just @ everyday and learn something new too.

Your heartful caring means a great deal to me as a woman. I have copied

and pasted these posts onto my computer, so when I become down @ this

horrible disease, I can read them and know there are women here

that have sooo much to teach to me and share their most personal

experiences.

I love and respect all of you sooo very much.

Thanks again and I'll keep you posted @ this new man in my life.

Hugs:)

Joyce

July 10, 2006

Hi there,

This question has come up before in this group and I know that not everyone

agrees with the way I may do it, but how I would go about it is to date for

a while and then let him know when the relationship turns more serious

physically (or if it gets serious emotionally first then that would be the

time). I know that some people may say that something this serious should

be shared asap, but I just don't agree. Most men and women don't tell their

new relationship to be " who how often and when " and there are a number of

other serious topics that people generally accept as something to be shared

when a relationship gets more serious. I think that VV or VVS falls in that

catagory. Once the two of you have gotten to know eachother a bit and know

the many different possitive things you have to offer eachother then I would

go the route that the other gals have already mentioned and casually mention

the " skin condition " or " pain syndrome " you deal with and how some days are

good and some are bad. This may seem like understating things, but while

VVS and VV as well as LS can be very disabiling, they are not contageous.

Also, in my opinion (and this may seem a little sexest...if so I apologise)

men tend to take ques from us emotionally. If we freak out about something,

then they will over react too, and if we seem calm and collected about the

whole thing they can take it in stride. Once that initial talk goes well,

it would probably be a good idea to talk off and on about it and the impact

it is making on your relationship and let him know how he can help. Men

deal with our issues a lot better and are more accepting of them when they

feel like they can help or be supportive (sorry more sexest

assumptions...but based on my experience).

I guess I just feel that a relationship has a better chance of going forward

after a talk like this if two people have had a chance to get to know

eachother first. If a guy brought up his penis disfunction on the first few

dates before I got to know him or even find out how I really felt about him

I would probably be wierded out a little, but if he told me once chemestry

had really started to spark and we had had a few dates (but before things

got really serious) I would be grateful he told me and would have had a

chance to see all the other positive things about him.

Anyways, just my opinion on how I would handle it having suffered myself

from VVS for over 10 years now. I am fortunate that I found a doctor who

was able to help me. My husband and I have for the most part a normal sex

life now thanks to that doctor. But many years it was truly a struggle. I

sympathise with the added burden of having to start a relationship while

working through this.

Bunny

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July 10, 2006