Re: update on our vaginismus problem: my wife's crisis

[Guest guest]

>

> QUESTION: would my wife have similar problems with a different

> man? Does she have vaginismus because of me? Do you think

> that with a different man she would enjoy great sex?

>

I don't have vaginismus, but I have had similar feelings in the

past. I have NO idea if this could at all be a possibility, and I am

NOT implying that this is in her head in any way - I am not

referring to the pain, but to the thoughts & emotions - - Is there a

possibility that with her pain both physically and emotionally, that

she is depressed? That can have a HUGE impact on her emotions,

desires, fears. I have depression, and when it is at its worst, I

have no sex drive, I get upset and angry with my significant other,

etc.

Just a thought. If it is a possibility, maybe a doctor can help

until the worst of the worst has passed.

I really hope things work out for the best for you two.

[Guest guest]

>

> QUESTION: would my wife have similar problems with a different

> man? Does she have vaginismus because of me? Do you think

> that with a different man she would enjoy great sex?

>

I don't have vaginismus, but I have had similar feelings in the

past. I have NO idea if this could at all be a possibility, and I am

NOT implying that this is in her head in any way - I am not

referring to the pain, but to the thoughts & emotions - - Is there a

possibility that with her pain both physically and emotionally, that

she is depressed? That can have a HUGE impact on her emotions,

desires, fears. I have depression, and when it is at its worst, I

have no sex drive, I get upset and angry with my significant other,

etc.

Just a thought. If it is a possibility, maybe a doctor can help

until the worst of the worst has passed.

I really hope things work out for the best for you two.

[Guest guest]

>

> QUESTION: would my wife have similar problems with a different

> man? Does she have vaginismus because of me? Do you think

> that with a different man she would enjoy great sex?

>

I don't have vaginismus, but I have had similar feelings in the

past. I have NO idea if this could at all be a possibility, and I am

NOT implying that this is in her head in any way - I am not

referring to the pain, but to the thoughts & emotions - - Is there a

possibility that with her pain both physically and emotionally, that

she is depressed? That can have a HUGE impact on her emotions,

desires, fears. I have depression, and when it is at its worst, I

have no sex drive, I get upset and angry with my significant other,

etc.

Just a thought. If it is a possibility, maybe a doctor can help

until the worst of the worst has passed.

I really hope things work out for the best for you two.

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Thanks for your email.

> Is there a possibility that with her pain both physically

> and emotionally, that she is depressed?

She has been feeling down for a month now, and she thinks this is the

reason she has such thoughts.

> I have depression, and when it is at its worst, I

> have no sex drive, I get upset and angry with my significant other,

> etc.

As to her libido: it's not about being depressed. Some time after we

met, her libido was at her highest: once a week. The first time I

noticed she wanted less than once a week was four years ago.

Unfortunately, since then it has only been going down. I think the

last time she was willing to fool around was three months ago. She

didn't initiate it, I did, and she played along. She has been feeling

down only recently, not for the last four years. Bottom line: her low

libido is not the result of feeling down recently.

> I really hope things work out for the best for you two.

Thanks, we hope so too!

Presario

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Thanks for your email.

> Is there a possibility that with her pain both physically

> and emotionally, that she is depressed?

She has been feeling down for a month now, and she thinks this is the

reason she has such thoughts.

> I have depression, and when it is at its worst, I

> have no sex drive, I get upset and angry with my significant other,

> etc.

As to her libido: it's not about being depressed. Some time after we

met, her libido was at her highest: once a week. The first time I

noticed she wanted less than once a week was four years ago.

Unfortunately, since then it has only been going down. I think the

last time she was willing to fool around was three months ago. She

didn't initiate it, I did, and she played along. She has been feeling

down only recently, not for the last four years. Bottom line: her low

libido is not the result of feeling down recently.

> I really hope things work out for the best for you two.

Thanks, we hope so too!

Presario

[Guest guest]

Hi Presario, I apologize for not reading your entire post. AFter reading that she questons things too my advice would be for you to see a marriage counsellor who recognizes vaginismus as a real disease. But I do want to stress that the pain itself is no one's fault. Not yours or hers. It is very real. Best of luck to you both. Sandi

Yahoo! Music Unlimited - Access over 1 million songs.

Try it free.

[Guest guest]

Hi Sandi,

Thanks for your input. We appreciate it.

> I don't believe it has anything to do with you, her

> husband. I think it only natural to question it though.

I'm happy to hear it, however, my wife thinks that she has vaginismus

because she doesn't find me attractive enough. She thinks that with a

different man she might not have this problem.

> More likely it was an emotional or physical trauma

> ( infection, surgery, accident) or it could be vulvar

> pain in general or vestibulitis.

Nothing like this happened in her life.

> I have been severely disabled with 24/7 vulvar pain for

> 10 years. I want nothing more than to be able to walk

> and sit w/o pain.

I'm sorry to hear this. I'm glad you have a wonderful and supporting

husband. Get well and good luck!

> My husband is handsome as can be and he has

> stood patiently by me. Believe me, it has nothing to

> do with him!!!

Tell this to your husband. You are going to make him very happy!

> USe this time until she is better ( hopefully she is doing

> PT with a trained therapist) to strengthen your love.

> Cuddle, hold hands, express your love in other ways.

> Be creative. She will get better..

We try to look at it this way and try to do our best. But for me it's

going to be more difficult now when my wife thinks that I'm partly to

blame for her vaginismus and that she feels she might be better off

with a different man.

Presario

[Guest guest]

Hi Sandi,

Thanks for your email again.

> AFter reading that she questons things too my

> advice would be for you to see a marriage counsellor

> who recognizes vaginismus as a real disease. But

> I do want to stress that the pain itself is no one's

> fault. Not yours or hers. It is very real.

I know the pain is real: I saw my wife in pain many times. As to

seeing marriage counsellor, well, we haven't heard of any around, let

alone one that recognizes vaginismus. But it's a good idea and I

might research this. Thanks!

Presario

[Guest guest]

Presario..

I feel for you and your wife. I've been where she is right now.

I really think, though, that she'll find that she'll continue having these problems, no matter who she's having sex with and will be disappointed and frustrated. Assuming it is a physical problem...

I think it's natural behavior to distance yourself emotionally from someone if being with that person bring you pain, even though it might be a physical problem. I've been in this relationship for 15 years and have been experiencing these problems for about that long. At first, I was really disappointed and concerned for my marriage and went to doctors and wanted to talk about it a lot with my husband, cried a lot too. Then, I began distancing by fantasizing about other people... which, ironically, made me first anxious and then depressed. I got to where I wouldn't enjoy these fantasies at all because of my conscience and so they would never have a happy ending and I would usually end up in tears. Then, I didn't like the way my husband was so insensitive and did not like to discuss sexual matters and would resort to blaming me... so I would pick fights with him over other things... which distanced me even further to the point where we were talking about divorce. And, we really are soulmates and had a very close emotional bond and intellectual bond to begin with. Eventually, I got to a point where I started really dealing with the reality of the situation. I stopped blaming him, stopped blaming myself, and just started treating it like a medical problem. I finally had to admit to myself that it really wasn't going to be any better with anyone else... it was a physical problem that I would continue having if I didn't find the right treatment. I feel like I'm in such a better place now... dealing with everything in a much more mature way.

I do understand what she and you are going through though..... it's tough and natural to go through a sort of denial about it at first, I think.... hoping it will just go away. And maybe it will... but, I think if she says she doesn't feel attraction for you, it's probably because of all of the anxiety that comes with dealing with her sexual problems.... maybe she's experiencing an aversion to the whole experience of sex. I did.

all the best to you,

update on our vaginismus problem: my wife's crisis

Hi Ladies,We are writing to you with an update on our marriage and problem. Wewant to ask a serious question and we would appreciate it if you couldgive us your feedback. From now on I, Presario, will write thisemail, but my wife checked this email and contributed her thoughts.Just a quick remainder of our story: We are together more than 5years. Have been married for more than 3. We tried to have a regularsex life (i.e. to have an intercourse) for roughly 2.5 years, but withlittle success. She saw two different gynecologists during these 2.5years several times, but they have not mentioned that she hasvaginismus. They told her that her anatomy is correct and thingsshould go smoothly. We only suspect that she has vaginismus, and ofcourse don't claim that she does, because we are not specialists.However, from my Internet research it seems very likely that indeedshe has it.I posted here a couple of times to report our stories of love,disappointment, courage and work. Now I'm writing with another story.Unfortunately, this time it's a story of crisis.She started to work with dilators in February this year. She madegreat progress with dilators: now she's using #3 (out of #4). #3 isof my "personal" size. Now her vagina is stretched enough, but shefeels no motivation to try to have an intercourse with me, because shehasn't felt sexual attraction towards me in the last few months. Notethat we have not attempted an intercourse since she started usingdilators.Now I think she is in crisis, some breakdown, and sheagrees with me on that. Yesterday my wife told me that shedoesn't know whether she wants to stay with me andwhether she would be fulfilled sexually by someone else.She also wonders whether there was strong "chemistry"between us.You can imagine how crushed I was when I heard that. But now, I think,I appreciate her less. And if she wants to go, well, then she shouldgo. The problem is that she doesn't know. To some extent I appreciateher telling me this: I understand her better, don't wonder any longerwhat's the problem, and also it's a good lesson of life, though apainful one.Any thoughts? Do women with vaginismus go through such crises fromtime to time, or she just wants to leave me and doesn't know it yet?I must admit that I had similar thoughts roughly half a year ago. Theylasted two weeks, and I decided to accept our sex life rather than toleave. I decided that I should not tell my wife about my crisis,because it was not serious. Luckily, my crisis passed quickly.NOW, we have a serious question and we would appreciate it if youcould take some of your busy time to answer our question. Thiswould help us a lot.QUESTION: would my wife have similar problems with a differentman? Does she have vaginismus because of me? Do you thinkthat with a different man she would enjoy great sex?Thanks for reading,Presario and his wife

[Guest guest]

Hi Ladies,

Many thanks to all of you who responded to my post (either to the

mailing list or privately). I need to talk over with my wife many

things that you wrote. I want to respond meaningful, and so it will

take me some time. Unfortunately, this weekend we will be away, and I

will write you back on Sunday. But now just let me give you a quick

update.

I spoke briefly with my wife and she found your emails very

interesting. She found interesting especially the feedback on whether

changing a man will help her resolve the problem. During our talk I

learned a few more disappointing things.

I wrote you before that she has some online friends. Now she has two

guys with whom she keeps in contact. She told me that she finds them

more attractive than me. And, I don't think I'm ugly. I think I'm

quite handsome, I exercise regularly and have a nice body, and I know

other ladies find me attractive. So I don't think it's about me, but

about her wanting other man.

Moreover, she told me that even when we dated (this is the time a

relationship is thought to be the most passionate) she didn't find me

as attractive as she found other guys before. She told me that she

always was missing in our relationship that " spark " that she felt

towards other guys. For instance, she felt as though her legs melted

when she was with her boyfriend at the age of 16 (they dated for a

month).

Partially I understand her: I was so infatuated with my first serious

girlfriend (at 17) that I though I would die for her. Well, as years

passed I realized it was a stupid and childish behavior. Now my wife

tells me that (look, there is the difference between us) she's missing

this feeling and... I find this stupid and childish, I told her that,

and she was very upset. But we were supposed to be honest. She told

me so many hurting and disappointing things that I cried like a boy

whose pet died: long sessions of weeping for days, and she still finds

it upsetting when I make one comment that her behavior is stupid and

childish.

Still, I hope we will make it. It's a very good test of our marriage.

I will keep you posted.

Presario

[Guest guest]

Hi,

Before I go on responding to your posts, I just want to give you this link:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t92768/

This is a link to my thread about the same problem, yet from a different

perspective.

In most of the replies that I got to my thread, you write that changing

a man will not help, and that the problem will persists. My wife thinks

that it's very useful information and thanks you for it. However, she

still thinks that there is 50% chance that changing a man will help, and

50% that her pain will persist.

,

> My husband and I waited to have sex until marriage, and we were

> EXTREMELY hot and attracted to one another. Only with God's help did we

> ever last waiting - lol. So naturally, it was horribly disappointing to

> find that it was so painful.

That's a useful info. My wife thinks that maybe if she was attracted to

me, then she wouldn't feel the pain. You were extremely attracted, and

you still had this problem.

> My husband and I are incredibly in love and believe

> we will be having painfree sex oneday soon.

, I don't mean to get you down, but have you though what you plan

to do if sex will be painful even in 10 years? It's quite possible.

> I suggest agreeing to spend some non-intercourse focused

> time on each other's body, and just enjoy it. You both

> may not be in the mood, but " fake it 'till you make it "

> usually works with arousal.

We have tried it many times and got tired with it. I have more

willingness for it, but even for me not it's record-low. She doesn't

feel any need at all.

> Remember what made you both attracted to each other in the beginning,

> and the heat that existed when you'd touch.

Oh, there is the problem. My wife told me that she had never felt " the

spark " towards me. Yes, she felt somewhat attracted to me, but not

much. She says that she was more attracted to other guys.

> I will be praying for you both to be blessed sexually and

> to reaffirm your commitment to each other.

Thank you. I hope you will get well too.

Presario

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Thank you so much for your email.

> I think it's natural behavior to distance yourself emotionally from

> someone if being with that person bring you pain, even though it might

> be a physical problem.

This is important information for me. I am wondering whether only she

has such problems and whether other women have similar thoughts. It's

comforting that she's not alone.

For her now the main issue is that she doesn't want children with me,

and she doesn't know why she feels this way. From this all her

questions stem.

Presario

[Guest guest]

Hi Tracie,

> It sounds like your wife is involved in an

> emotional affair, which can be/is just as

> devastating as a physical affair.

Thank you for this advice. Yes, I thought of this too before. However,

I don't think she's having an emotional or physical affair.

She wants to see one of the guys with whom she spends time online. She

says that this guy is more attractive than me. She wants to visit him

for a couple of days. Naturally, I was upset about this initially, but

I can't tell her what to do - she's an adult.

Initially she wanted to stay at a hotel, but I told her that she can

sleep at his place. I told her that this can be time to make up her

mind. If she wants to try if sex is painful with a new guy, then she

can go ahead and have sex with him - I just want to know about it, so

that we will divorce. If she wants me, she will not have sex with him.

If she wants some other guy, then I want a divorce.

Presario

[Guest guest]

You are right, you can't control her. I'm glad you realize that. She does have to make choices, and all choices have results or consequences. She definately is having an emotional affair if she wants to meet this other man. Please check out the site I gave you, It hink you will find it very helpful.

Tracie

From: VulvarDisorders [mailto:VulvarDisorders ] On Behalf Of Presario Sent: Sunday, July 09, 2006 6:23 PMTo: VulvarDisorders Subject: Re: Re: update on our vaginismus problem: my wife's crisis

Hi Tracie,> It sounds like your wife is involved in an> emotional affair, which can be/is just as> devastating as a physical affair.Thank you for this advice. Yes, I thought of this too before. However, I don't think she's having an emotional or physical affair.She wants to see one of the guys with whom she spends time online. She says that this guy is more attractive than me. She wants to visit him for a couple of days. Naturally, I was upset about this initially, but I can't tell her what to do - she's an adult.Initially she wanted to stay at a hotel, but I told her that she can sleep at his place. I told her that this can be time to make up her mind. If she wants to try if sex is painful with a new guy, then she can go ahead and have sex with him - I just want to know about it, so that we will divorce. If she wants me, she will not have sex with him. If she wants some other guy, then I want a divorce.Presario

[Guest guest]

Hi Dusty,

First off, I'm sorry that your marriage failed. I hope things will work

out for you.

> Presario - I would advise you to ask your wife outright if that man is

> someone she knows now or is currently seeing. Maybe she has fallen in

> love with one of those men you have told us she spends hours with. You

> need to ask so you know where you stand. She needs to be honest in her

> response.

She has two online friends. She met personally with both of them. She

thinks they are both more attractive than me, but she's not attracted to

them, and is not in love with them.

> You have said that your wife believes that she could have successful sex

> with another man. Is that her way of telling you that she no longer

> loves you and it's time to rethink or rework the marriage?

She says she's in love with me. She just doesn't desire me, and doesn't

know if she wants to have children with me. That makes her wonder how

it influences her love for me.

> If your wife has exceeded (in dilators) your " personal " size, why then

> don't you attempt to engage her in intercourse. Is it because you

> don't feel the love coming from her that you should feel and that the

> hours spent with those other men friends are a sticking point with you?

She doesn't feel attracted, and so she doesn't want to do it.

> It seems to me that the two of you really need to put everything on the

> table and really talk about your marriage and where it is heading.

Really, we have been arguing and talking for nearly two weeks. I'm

tired and so is she. I have learned so many painful and blunt facts

that I fear her and what she's gonna tell me next.

> Is she is in love with someone else?

No.

> Can she put that aside - as you did your crisis about

> 6 months ago and work with you to fix the marriage.

She doesn't know, and now she's thinking about it.

> It is not at all uncommon Presario, for one or both

> of a married couple to get a crush on or " love " another

> person during a marriage. The trick is to use our heads,

> think back to our commitments to one another and what

> we have been to one another and choose the marriage

> over the crush.

I think this way: I would look at prettier women than my wife and I

would think: I love my wife, she's my woman and she's my crush. It's

amazing how great that worked! I was looking at my wife as at the

embodiment of beauty and love.

Now, however, after all her revelations, I look at other women and I

think: wow, there are so many beautiful women out there, much more

beautiful than my wife. And again, it's amazing how that works - such a

swift turn just after my wife revealed how she feels about me. I'm

sorry to write that she's no longer my queen.

Presario

[Guest guest]

Hi Tracie,

> She definately is having an emotional affair if she wants to meet this

> other man. Please check out the site I gave you, It hink you will find

> it very helpful.

Why do you think so? You can want to meet a friend, right? It doesn't

have to be your emotional or physical lover.

I was aware of this website for quite some time, but thank you so much

for the link. We were thinking about their emotional needs

questionnaire half a year ago, but thought that we knew each other quite

well and didn't need it. This time, I think, we need it and we are

working on it now.

I still don't think she's having an affair. She has had many online

friends whom she met over the last 2 years. Maybe there were 10 people.

I don't think she's having emotional affairs with all of them or with

just a half. There is the risk that she's having an affair with one of

them now, but I can't and don't want to spy on her to find out. For now

I trust her that she'll tell me if something happens.

Presario

[Guest guest]

Hi Presario The women in this group care for you very much and most of us see that your wife is having emotional affairs with men, online. We also hope that you will take us serious when we say that experiencing a major breakdown in marriage is serious and hurtful. But----before you throw in the towel, PLEASE get professional help.. such as a couples' counselor or marriage counselor. So very often, a person who is trained in couples' relationships can help you sort out problems that you and your partner have not been able to deal with alone. Usually it is because one or both of you have drifted apart for some reason and is feeling lonely and unfulfilled. It happens in the best of marriages. When partners become unhappy in the marriage, they often THINK they are falling in love with someone else. But the truth is, they are really mourning the loss of what they USED to have with their wife or husband, in the past. During this time then, it feels so right to think you never shared love with your partner- it is kind of like a candle has grown grows dimmer and dimmer. It is so easy to believe"the grass is greener on the other side of the fence" with a new partner. In reality however, if one makes a sudden jump to that other side of the fence, it can end up worse. And then, it is too late to go back. None of us ladies nor I can not see into your wife heart nor

yours, but we do know many marriages can start to fall apart because of stress and communication problems. Again Pres, we women care about you very much. We would not want you or your wife to throw away your marriage, if you can rediscover the love you both had for each other. We hope you will talk to your wife about getting some counseling. Hopefully then, the two of you can heal and slowly gain back the love you once had. This happy thing takes place with so many couples who initially feel hopeless about their marriage. GOOD LUCK! :)Presario wrote: Hi Tracie,> It sounds like your wife is involved in an> emotional affair, which can be/is just as> devastating as a physical affair.Thank you for this advice. Yes, I thought of this too before. However, I don't think she's having an emotional or physical affair.She wants to see one of the guys with whom she spends time online. She says that this guy is more attractive than me. She wants to visit him for a couple of days. Naturally, I was upset about this initially, but I can't tell her what to do - she's an adult.Initially she wanted to stay at a hotel, but I told her that she can sleep at his place. I told her that this can be

time to make up her mind. If she wants to try if sex is painful with a new guy, then she can go ahead and have sex with him - I just want to know about it, so that we will divorce. If she wants me, she will not have sex with him. If she wants some other guy, then I want a divorce.Presario

Sneak preview the all-new Yahoo.com. It's not radically different. Just radically better.

[Guest guest]

Presario,

I don't know if anyone has mentioned this or not but here goes.

Has she been evaluated for depression? Depression rates in the

chronically ill are quite high. And one of the symptoms of

depression is lack of libido for some people.

Also, does depression run in her family?

And also, (yep, just thought about this) when was the last time

her thyroid was checked out? The thyroid if it's malfunctioning

can cause all kinds of problems. I was curious about this one.

Kristy

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Yes, I agree. I know you must feel like you've been really working hard lately on trying to solve your marital/sexual problems but we can only share our personal experiences and aren't really qualified to give expert advice as a professional counselor would be.

It's hard because it's usually when there is a serious crisis that all of these thoughts and feelings come to the surface and it's got to be a tough blow to your ego, too, hearing her say she's not attracted to you. Attraction is a funny thing.... I used to feel a strong physical attraction only to a very select few men but now.... not that often. Once in a blue moon maybe. Maybe because of my bad experiences.... I seldom meet a guy I think I'd actually like to sleep with if I weren't married... as soon as the thought enters my mind all of the bad stuff comes back and kills any initial attraction I may feel. With my husband.... I find him to be an attractive person with a charming personality(sometimes) who I have a strong emotional bond with but rarely does that translate into actual sexual attraction. But, initially when I got together with him there was a very strong physical attraction there. But, that doesn't mean that I don't enjoy being with him sexually because I have so.... I think if she's looking for someone she's always hot for, that may just be unrealistic..... or maybe there are folks out there who have that person in their life they are always physically attracted to... I don't know. Sex is just more of an emotional thing and less of a visual thing for many women I think. I tend to feel attraction for people I feel emotionally close to and less attracted to people I feel distanced from emotionally. When I feel estranged from my husband I feel absolutely no physical attraction for him... when I feel more understood and loved I want to be more intimate. But, sex is always problematic because of the vulvar problems so it's always something to feel anxious about.

That's my two cents,

Re: Re: update on our vaginismus problem: my wife's crisis

Hi Presario

The women in this group care for you very much and most of us see that your wife is having emotional affairs with men, online.

We also hope that you will take us serious when we say that experiencing a major breakdown in marriage is serious and hurtful. But----before you throw in the towel, PLEASE get professional help.. such as a couples' counselor or marriage counselor.

So very often, a person who is trained in couples' relationships can help you sort out problems that you and your partner have not been able to deal with alone. Usually it is because one or both of you have drifted apart for some reason and is feeling lonely and unfulfilled. It happens in the best of marriages.

When partners become unhappy in the marriage, they often THINK they are falling in love with someone else. But the truth is, they are really mourning the loss of what they USED to have with their wife or husband, in the past.

During this time then, it feels so right to think you never shared love with your partner- it is kind of like a candle has grown grows dimmer and dimmer.

It is so easy to believe"the grass is greener on the other side of the fence" with a new partner. In reality however, if one makes a sudden jump to that other side of the fence, it can end up worse. And then, it is too late to go back.

None of us ladies nor I can not see into your wife heart nor yours, but we do know many marriages can start to fall apart because of stress and communication problems.

Again Pres, we women care about you very much. We would not want you or your wife to throw away your marriage, if you can rediscover the love you both had for each other.

We hope you will talk to your wife about getting some counseling. Hopefully then, the two of you can heal and slowly gain back the love you once had. This happy thing takes place with so many couples who initially feel hopeless about their marriage.

GOOD LUCK! :)Presario wrote:

Hi Tracie,> It sounds like your wife is involved in an> emotional affair, which can be/is just as> devastating as a physical affair.Thank you for this advice. Yes, I thought of this too before. However, I don't think she's having an emotional or physical affair.She wants to see one of the guys with whom she spends time online. She says that this guy is more attractive than me. She wants to visit him for a couple of days. Naturally, I was upset about this initially, but I can't tell her what to do - she's an adult.Initially she wanted to stay at a hotel, but I told her that she can sleep at his place. I told her that this can be time to make up her mind. If she wants to try if sex is painful with a new guy, then she can go ahead and have sex with him - I just want to know about it, so that we will divorce. If she wants me, she will not have sex with him. If she wants some other guy, then I want a divorce.Presario

Sneak preview the all-new Yahoo.com. It's not radically different. Just radically better.

[Guest guest]

Pesario:

I have be reading about your problems with your wife, but have not posted. I am at the age where pretty much everyone I know has cheated. People do not go to hotels unless they are going to have sex. They do not sleep over someones apartment unless they are going to have sex. You are in denial, which is very normal.

As mentioned your wife has choices. Why are you making it so easy for her? You have choices too. Right now she has her cake and is eating it too, she doesn't have to make a choice. I feel for you.

Sherri

-------------- Original message --------------

You are right, you can't control her. I'm glad you realize that. She does have to make choices, and all choices have results or consequences. She definately is having an emotional affair if she wants to meet this other man. Please check out the site I gave you, It hink you will find it very helpful.

Tracie

From: VulvarDisorders [mailto:VulvarDisorders ] On Behalf Of Presario Sent: Sunday, July 09, 2006 6:23 PMTo: VulvarDisorders Subject: Re: Re: update on our vaginismus problem: my wife's crisis

Hi Tracie,> It sounds like your wife is involved in an> emotional affair, which can be/is just as> devastating as a physical affair.Thank you for this advice. Yes, I thought of this too before. However, I don't think she's having an emotional or physical affair.She wants to see one of the guys with whom she spends time online. She says that this guy is more attractive than me. She wants to visit him for a couple of days. Naturally, I was upset about this initially, but I can't tell her what to do - she's an adult.Initially she wanted to stay at a hotel, but I told her that she can sleep at his place. I told her that this can be time to make up her mind. If she wants to try if sex is painful with a new guy, then she can go ahead and have sex with him - I just want to know about it, so that we will divorce. If she wants me, she will not have sex with him. If she wants some other guy, then I want a

divorce.Presario

[Guest guest]

Pesario:

I have be reading about your problems with your wife, but have not posted. I am at the age where pretty much everyone I know has cheated. People do not go to hotels unless they are going to have sex. They do not sleep over someones apartment unless they are going to have sex. You are in denial, which is very normal.

As mentioned your wife has choices. Why are you making it so easy for her? You have choices too. Right now she has her cake and is eating it too, she doesn't have to make a choice. I feel for you.

Sherri

-------------- Original message --------------

You are right, you can't control her. I'm glad you realize that. She does have to make choices, and all choices have results or consequences. She definately is having an emotional affair if she wants to meet this other man. Please check out the site I gave you, It hink you will find it very helpful.

Tracie

From: VulvarDisorders [mailto:VulvarDisorders ] On Behalf Of Presario Sent: Sunday, July 09, 2006 6:23 PMTo: VulvarDisorders Subject: Re: Re: update on our vaginismus problem: my wife's crisis

Hi Tracie,> It sounds like your wife is involved in an> emotional affair, which can be/is just as> devastating as a physical affair.Thank you for this advice. Yes, I thought of this too before. However, I don't think she's having an emotional or physical affair.She wants to see one of the guys with whom she spends time online. She says that this guy is more attractive than me. She wants to visit him for a couple of days. Naturally, I was upset about this initially, but I can't tell her what to do - she's an adult.Initially she wanted to stay at a hotel, but I told her that she can sleep at his place. I told her that this can be time to make up her mind. If she wants to try if sex is painful with a new guy, then she can go ahead and have sex with him - I just want to know about it, so that we will divorce. If she wants me, she will not have sex with him. If she wants some other guy, then I want a

divorce.Presario

[Guest guest]

Pesario:

I have be reading about your problems with your wife, but have not posted. I am at the age where pretty much everyone I know has cheated. People do not go to hotels unless they are going to have sex. They do not sleep over someones apartment unless they are going to have sex. You are in denial, which is very normal.

As mentioned your wife has choices. Why are you making it so easy for her? You have choices too. Right now she has her cake and is eating it too, she doesn't have to make a choice. I feel for you.

Sherri

-------------- Original message --------------

You are right, you can't control her. I'm glad you realize that. She does have to make choices, and all choices have results or consequences. She definately is having an emotional affair if she wants to meet this other man. Please check out the site I gave you, It hink you will find it very helpful.

Tracie

From: VulvarDisorders [mailto:VulvarDisorders ] On Behalf Of Presario Sent: Sunday, July 09, 2006 6:23 PMTo: VulvarDisorders Subject: Re: Re: update on our vaginismus problem: my wife's crisis

Hi Tracie,> It sounds like your wife is involved in an> emotional affair, which can be/is just as> devastating as a physical affair.Thank you for this advice. Yes, I thought of this too before. However, I don't think she's having an emotional or physical affair.She wants to see one of the guys with whom she spends time online. She says that this guy is more attractive than me. She wants to visit him for a couple of days. Naturally, I was upset about this initially, but I can't tell her what to do - she's an adult.Initially she wanted to stay at a hotel, but I told her that she can sleep at his place. I told her that this can be time to make up her mind. If she wants to try if sex is painful with a new guy, then she can go ahead and have sex with him - I just want to know about it, so that we will divorce. If she wants me, she will not have sex with him. If she wants some other guy, then I want a

divorce.Presario

[Guest guest]

Yes, and as for these internet relationships... even if two people email back and forth I don't think they really know each other until they spend some time together in person. I've personally known two girls, both in their teens, who hooked up with guys online and met them in person and were raped. So, it can be dangerous too.

I also know a woman who met a guy online while she was still married, met him a few times in person, ended up divorcing her husband over it, and then years later got together with this guy. Everything went well for a few years and then she found out he had several other girlfriends and had run all of her credit cards up to the max.... she kicked him out and spent the next few years avoiding the creditors calling her because she could not pay the bills. You just never know. : ( Another guy I worked with had a wife who did not work, stayed at home all day chatting on the internet with guys. She met a guy in London, left my friend for him, and then ended up splitting up with the guy a year later. I guess it's an easy out for folks who are having trouble dealing with real life stuff. Sometimes you do get to a point in a relationship where you're not happy and feel stuck..... and so maybe that's just a way people deal with that.... because on some level at least they've made up their minds already they want to get out of the relationship.

RE: Re: update on our vaginismus problem: my wife's crisis

Pesario:

I have be reading about your problems with your wife, but have not posted. I am at the age where pretty much everyone I know has cheated. People do not go to hotels unless they are going to have sex. They do not sleep over someones apartment unless they are going to have sex. You are in denial, which is very normal.

As mentioned your wife has choices. Why are you making it so easy for her? You have choices too. Right now she has her cake and is eating it too, she doesn't have to make a choice. I feel for you.

Sherri

-------------- Original message --------------

You are right, you can't control her. I'm glad you realize that. She does have to make choices, and all choices have results or consequences. She definately is having an emotional affair if she wants to meet this other man. Please check out the site I gave you, It hink you will find it very helpful.

Tracie

From: VulvarDisorders [mailto:VulvarDisorders ] On Behalf Of Presario Sent: Sunday, July 09, 2006 6:23 PMTo: VulvarDisorders Subject: Re: Re: update on our vaginismus problem: my wife's crisis

Hi Tracie,> It sounds like your wife is involved in an> emotional affair, which can be/is just as> devastating as a physical affair.Thank you for this advice. Yes, I thought of this too before. However, I don't think she's having an emotional or physical affair.She wants to see one of the guys with whom she spends time online. She says that this guy is more attractive than me. She wants to visit him for a couple of days. Naturally, I was upset about this initially, but I can't tell her what to do - she's an adult.Initially she wanted to stay at a hotel, but I told her that she can sleep at his place. I told her that this can be time to make up her mind. If she wants to try if sex is painful with a new guy, then she can go ahead and have sex with him - I just want to know about it, so that we will divorce. If she wants me, she will not have sex with him. If she wants some other guy, then I want a divorce.Presario

[Guest guest]

Dear Ladies,

Thank you so much for pointing out the possibility that my wife has an

emotional affair - you were right. I appologize that I don't feel

like replying to your previous posts in detail - I just feel down.

I thought of her having an emotional affair. Yes, I have considered

that, but would find countless reasons and " facts " why this is not so.

I have never spied on my wife, because I would trust her. Now I know I was living in denial.

Now I know that she had an emotional affair and not just one. She had

several of them with her online male friends. But among all of them,

she found her crush: it was a 33 year old guy. I know that because I

read the archive of her instant messanger. She offerd him to leave me,

and live with him. All she waited for was his consent.

I moved out and want a divorce. Now I live with my parents. I'm 28 and

I'm back at my parents house. This is depressing. But I'm looking for a

bright future. I will keep you posted!

Presario

Pesario:

I have be reading about your problems with your wife, but have not

posted. I am at the age where pretty much everyone I know has

cheated. People do not go to hotels unless they are going to have

sex. They do not sleep over someones apartment unless they

are going to have sex. You are in denial, which is very normal.

As mentioned your wife has choices. Why are you making it so

easy for her? You have choices too. Right now she has her

cake and is eating it too, she doesn't have to make a choice. I

feel for you.

Sherri

[Guest guest]

Presario,

I'm SO SO Sorry.... you've got to be going thru hell right now. You are young and I know your heart is broken (nothing is more damaging than a person leaving for another) but like they say there are no mistakes, just learning lessons and wishing you the very best down the road.

With all you know with listening to us women chat, some day you'll make a wonderful partner for another woman. *smile* Not to diminish what's going on now at all. But time will heal (if things just can't be worked out) and life will go on. It's going to be a hard road for you but hang in there.

Again just so sorry.

Hugs

Dee~

..