Re: Tammy's First Time

[Guest guest]

First let me say thank-you to everyone for their constant love and support

for my family and myself. I wish that I was as strong as I used to be, I

wish that I had the strength to get out of bed and fight this awful illness.

I just read a post from Carmen and most of what she wrote is dead on, except

the answer to a question. How do I get out of this? I am so dead inside ,

their is nothing left in me to even make an atte-mpt at fighting this. The

very thought of it is overwhelming to me, let me rephrase that everything is

overwhelming to me. I have let everyone who knows me down, most of all my

children. I wanted my daughters chritmas vacation to be spent doing anything

together as a family. But instead Mommy spent most of the two weeks in bed

sick- vomitting, even talking made me throw up. I've been to therpy.

anti-depressants the whole nine yards, But none of it seems to matter when I

wake up to the same shit everyday of my life. I'm fully aware of the fact

that I'm hurting everyone around me but like I said I am so dead inside.

Therapy is not going to make me stronger, It's not going to make me hold down

even liquids. I'm catholic I do believe In god, I have not been to church in

almost two years but I pray to God all day long. I don't pray for a cure I

pray for strength, I also pray that my children don't inherit this from me.

I'm in a very distraught and angry state of mind right know, I'm completely

exhausted. I think about death everyday of my life -not suicide, But how this

ILLNESS Is gonna kill me. Whether I get another infection In my medi-port or

a seizure from medication, I just feel I will die young from this illness or

a complication to it. I can't eat, sleep,drink or go to the bathroom without

difficulty, I live on pain meds, I spend more time in the hospital then I do

at home. I feel like this illness Is progressing day by day . This illness

has got the best of me it has sucked the strength and the life right out of

me. My husband and family want to know why? I don't know why, I just know I'm

dead inside and out. I would like to know does anyone else feel defeated? Is

anyone just givig up like me? Am I crazy? Is It taboo to talk the way I am?

AND MOST OF ALL, CAN ANYONE TELL ME HOW TO GET OUT OF THIS? These are my

questions.

I do apoligize If I've offended or upset anyone, But this Is a support group.

Thank-you for your undying support friends-

Tammy

[Guest guest]

Dear Tammy,

This is Karyn, the moderator for this very caring group. Please know

that we hear your pain, the fear, and the exhaustion. Every word that

you have written must have been difficult to share. It describes that

empty void that this disease has created. I know that void very well.

No one can say that they completely know the depth of your pain. I

have only been living with this disease since 8/4/99. But every day

is a battle. This disease attacks us phisically, mentally,

emotionally, and spiritually. I know that when I feel spiritually

grounded, I am in a better space to look this disease in the eye and

continue to work a program of action to take care of myself

physically. And that is so hard. For every individual within this

large international network of Pancreatitis survivors, there are

probably the same number who have a routine that makes living one day

at a time easier.

That was a brave thing to do in writing this post. It is taking

action. It is often the first step in combatting the depression this

disease causes.

Love,

Karyn

[Guest guest]

Dear Tammy,

First of all, let me say that I don't have the answers to your

questions. I know they are questions we all have at one time or

another. The degree varies though.

Secondly, don't give in to it. Please. You have family and friends

that care about you. I know you feel dead inside and it doesn't seem

worth it. But that feeling is not something you can base your

decisions around, because feelings are so fickle. Please don't think

I am making light of your predicament. I am so glad you finally

posted. We are all so worried about you and care about you very much.

Please please hang on. Hang on for dear life. Hang on for what you

do have and let that be your guide. God is still there, even if it

doesn't seem possible.

Keep posting and letting us know how it is going. And please just

hold on. Hold on to the things that are important to you.

[Guest guest]

>I wish that I was as strong as I used to be, I wish that I had the

strength to get out of bed and fight this awful illness.

>How do I get out of this? I am so dead inside , their is nothing

left in me to even make an attempt at fighting this. The very thought

of it is overwhelming to me, let me rephrase that everything is

overwhelming to me.

Tammy, you describe the anguish & despair you are suffering so

eloquently. I think everyone suffering with chronic illness has some

degree of these feelings. It is only human to feel helpless,

hopeless, unable to control anything, when their life suddenly takes

a crap. You know, you're just going along, living your ordinary life,

& BOOM! everything changes, your world has turned upside down. I

hope you are letting your doctors know the depth of your depression.

If your leg was broken, you would use crutches without a second

thought. Its not your leg, its your spirit, your hope that has taken

a beating. You should use anything available - narcotic,

antidepressant, whatever it takes to get relief. You say that you

have taken antidepressants. Are you still taking them? If so,

perhaps a different one might be more helpful.

> I'm in a very distraught and angry state of mind right know, I'm

completely exhausted. I think about death everyday of my life -not

suicide, But how this ILLNESS Is gonna kill me.

>I just feel I will die young from this illness or a complication to

it. I can't eat, sleep,drink or go to the bathroom without

difficulty, I live on pain meds, I spend more time in the hospital

then I do at home. I feel like this illness Is progressing day by day.

>This illness has got the best of me it has sucked the strength and

the life right out of me.

>I would like to know does anyone else feel defeated? Is anyone just

giving up like me? Am I crazy? Is It taboo to talk the way I am?

AND MOST OF ALL, CAN ANYONE TELL ME HOW TO GET OUT OF THIS? These

are my questions.

> I do apoligize If I've offended or upset anyone, But this Is a

support group. Thank-you for your undying support friends-

Tammy

Tammy, please be kind to yourself. I would bet that anyone suffering

with this disease has felt defeat & depression. How can we get out of

this? - We can't, until medicine comes up with better treatments.

Shirley just had surgery in her attempt to lead a " normal " life.

Let's hope she finds the surgery will end her pain. Perhaps that

route would be something for you to consider. You owe no apologies

to anyone for expressing your feelings; that's a large part of why

this group exists.

Hoping for better days,

jang

[Guest guest]

Tammy, please be kind to yourself. I would bet that anyone suffering with this disease has felt defeat & depression. How can we get out of this? - We can't, until medicine comes up with better treatments.

Shirley just had surgery in her attempt to lead a "normal" life.

Let's hope she finds the surgery will end her pain. Perhaps that route would be something for you to consider. You owe no apologies to anyone for expressing your feelings; that's a large part of why this group exists.

Hoping for better days,

jang

Tammy, I am so sorry you are at the bottom of the pit. I have been there many times. Oh, how I would love to help you anyway I can. I felt the same way you feel. My thoughts used to be constantly on dieing. I just knew I was going to die at a much to young of an age. I used to plan my funeral. I even told my husband and daughter how I wanted it to be. Isn't that terrible? But that is the way I felt.

Now I have hope Tammy. The pancreatectomy is letting me eat what I want to eat and not worry about fats or panc attacks. I have no pain in my pancreas. It is wonderful. That angry, mean organ that has caused me so much pain and mental and physical pain and aggravation over the years is out of my body. My islet are working and I don't have to take insulin. I don't have to use my wheelchair anymore.

My surgery had complications due to doctors here in Cin putting me on coumadin one Mon. before surgery. I had a serious bleed out but the doctors took care of that. Actually the surgery wasn't all that bad. I was on tpn for a couple of months to build me up before surgery and that helped a lot.

The roughfast part for me is the nausea. The digestive tract has to adjust itself and so it takes weeks of nausea. For me lots of nausea. I have heard from others that they didn't have that much nausea. I am 58 and almost 59 and I think my body takes longer to bounce back. But with in no time I was walking the hos. halls building strength and getting the gas out of me both ways.

Tammy, if I can answer any of your questions or help you in any way I will be happy to. Just ask me anything. I will be honest and tell you anything you want to know.

I can feel myself getting better everyday. I have not had a nausea pill today. My meals are beginning to increase in size. I eat five or six times a day very small meals. My stomach is so small from not eating for so long so I gradually have to increase my food. The surgery also limits the intake for a while but I am just now going on my sixth week since surgery and I can feel myself getting better and eating more all the time.

If you decide to have the surgery please don't even consider anyone but Dr. Sutherland from Fairview Medical Center. He is the best and they have been doing this surgery since the 1970's. All the other hospitals are just starting and don't have the islet rescue down well enough. Please Tammy of all I have said If you decide to have this surgery please, please don't go to anyone else. He is the very best and Dr. Harring is the best at collecting the islets. I personally know Sue, Gail, Mike, Whitney and Melandie who I met in the hos for another unrelated disease who had Dr.Sutherland do the pancreatectomy over 10 years ago and is still doing great. Her islet are just great. I am glad I had it done. I now don't have to think constantly of all the morbid thought cancer included. That rotten thing is gone from me forever. I hope you feel better soon and please ask anyt!

hing you want. Love, Shirley

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 01/10/2001 3:26:28 PM Central Standard Time,

shirlf3542@... writes:

<< I hope you feel better soon and please ask anything you want.

Love, Shirley >>

Tammy, I too have been at an extremely low point in my life as a result of

this disease. I have not had the same procedures as many people have, but

I've experienced the same depression and sense of hopelessness. I too am

here any time that you need to talk.

Sandy

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 01/10/2001 3:26:28 PM Central Standard Time,

shirlf3542@... writes:

<< I hope you feel better soon and please ask anything you want.

Love, Shirley >>

Tammy, I too have been at an extremely low point in my life as a result of

this disease. I have not had the same procedures as many people have, but

I've experienced the same depression and sense of hopelessness. I too am

here any time that you need to talk.

Sandy

[Guest guest]

Dear Tammy, I too have felt your exact feelings. To see nothing beyond the pain and suffering will overwhelm you. It will make you think of such depressing thoughts and actions. To feel lost and alone and the thought of simply existing like this would be to pray to God to either take this illness from my body or take me now from this pain.

I didn't want to die, but I would pray to die instead of continueing to live like this.

When I would lie in bed with such agony and pain I would talk out loud to my God. I would ask him to help me and give me the strength that I needed to overcome this moment of hell. I would plead to please take this pain from me and this awful feeling of something words cannot explain. I questioned my God ,Why? Why must I suffer? What must I learn from this awfulness inside me? Show me mercy dear lord and help me to overcome this illness and all that it brings with it. All I see is darkness and I pray to see the light. Continue to believe and talk to God out loud, where you can hear yourself as you speak in an anguished voice. Hear yourself and your thoughts, tell yourself that this too shall pass. Heal yourself from your heart and tell yourself that the love you have for yourself is worth fighting for and you will win no matter what it takes. Try to focus on something else instead of the pain, find a way to meditate at least to try and cut off the edge of the pain. I will pray for you and we will not abandon you when you need us the most. I know that it seems that there is no way out, but there is because I remember being in your place and now I am a little better where I can function at least. Keep the Faith.

A Friend Carmen

[Guest guest]

Dear Tammy, I too have felt your exact feelings. To see nothing beyond the pain and suffering will overwhelm you. It will make you think of such depressing thoughts and actions. To feel lost and alone and the thought of simply existing like this would be to pray to God to either take this illness from my body or take me now from this pain. I didn't want to die, but I would pray to die instead of continueing to live like this. When I would lie in bed with such agony and pain I would talk out loud to my God. I would ask him to help me and give me the strength that I needed to overcome this moment of hell. I would plead to please take this pain from me and this awful feeling of something words cannot explain. I questioned my God ,Why? Why must I suffer? What must I learn from this awfulness inside me? Show me mercy dear lord and help me to overcome this illness and all that it brings with it. All I see is darkness and I pray to see the light. Continue to believe and talk to God out loud, where you can hear yourself as you speak in an anguished voice. Hear yourself and your thoughts, tell yourself that this too shall pass. Heal yourself from your heart and tell yourself that the love you have for yourself is worth fighting for and you will win no matter what it takes. Try to focus on something else instead of the pain, find a way to meditate at least to try and cut off the edge of the pain. I will pray for you and we will not abandon you when you need us the most. I know that it seems that there is no way out, but there is because I remember being in your place and now I am a little better where I can function at least. Keep the Faith. A Friend Carmen

Dear Carmen, that is beautiful. I know that that came from the heart. I have done that so many times. I lay in bed and plead and talk to our Lord so many times. Thank you, Love, Shirley

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 01/13/2001 12:02:48 AM Central Standard Time,

LMNOCDBDIS@... writes:

<< Continue to believe and talk to God out loud, where you can hear yourself

as

you speak in an anguished voice. Hear yourself and your thoughts, tell

yourself that this too shall pass. Heal yourself from your heart and tell

yourself that the love you have for yourself is worth fighting for and you

will win no matter what it takes. Try to focus on something else instead of

the pain, find a way to meditate at least to try and cut off the edge of the

pain. I will pray for you and we will not abandon you when you need us the

most. I know that it seems that there is no way out, but there is because I

remember being in your place and now I am a little better where I can

function at least. Keep the Faith.

A Friend Carmen >>

Carmen, you expressed a wonderful way to cope with the terrible pain that

comes. Sometimes just coping long enough to get through the really difficult

times that we often have is all we can do. I like you and Tammy have been in

the same place, with pain so severe that I too felt like dying would bring

peace. I too use prayer to help, but to pray in the manner you describe

might be very beneficial for me. During the difficult times I cry in agony,

however I tend to not allow myself to really release the full intensity of

the pain or the feelings associated with the pain. Praying with the full

intensity of the feelings could be a wonderful way for me to truely release

the intensity that builds up inside me. I guess I have always been so

fearful that

expressing the intensity of the pain will scare others away. However, I

think if those around me know what to expect and are given permission to

express their pain in the same way, this could be very healing.

A friend in Christ,

Sandy