Fences to mend

[Guest guest]

I believe that there comes a time that everyone needs to try to mend fences with

those that have hurt us. (not everyone can).... but it is more healthy for the

individual to be able to forgive. I heard something long ago and it is true.

Forgiving is for you, not the person you have forgiven. Forgiving is the taking

away of all the negative things you experience emotionally. (Please don't

misunderstand, I know there are alot of people who have had such horrible

experiences with loved ones that they just cannot forgive).

I will use my ex as an example. When we broke up, it was one of the most

traumatic times in my life. It actually hurt worse than the death of my mother.

I felt so betrayed and hurt. I hated the man for doing me the way he did. I

lived for about 2 or 3 years literally hating him at the same time I loved him.

It was the most mixed emotions. I just simply could not imagine my life without

him because I took our vows to heart and would have kissed the dirt he walked on

I loved him so deeply. He did me so wrong. He said the coldest, meanest things

to me the last few months. OK.... not to offend anyone.... but Yes I did pray.

I prayed and prayed that god would remove the anger and hatred from my heart

because it was literally tearing me apart. I had several suicide attempts

during the period right before I was out of the house with him. I just could

not let go...... then the last straw ... he had sex with me the night before he

knew I was taking my 18month old

daughter and going on a plane to Texas with what I could get in suitcases.

After we had sex, he said very coldly... " dont forget you have a plane to catch

in the morning " ...

He got up like any other day, headed out the door to work at about 6 am. He

would not even take me and his 18 month old baby to the airport. He had his

cousin take us.

I cannot describe the anger, hatred and deep depression I felt.

God did not answer my prayers right away. But some 4 or 5 years later, I was

over him. I now have absolutely no feelings for him anymore... hatred, love, or

otherwise. He is just my daughter's father. We talk very civil... we don't

argue. I allow him to be a part of our daughter's life no matter when he wants

to see her. They have a pretty good relationship.

As for me, yes, all the feelings are gone... the good and bad ones.

He did ask forgiveness a few years later because he had done me so wrong. I

totally forgive him. I will tell you that he paid in his own time for

everything he did. I now just want him to be happy.

However, he has never found happiness. But nevertheless, it is not my fault

or doing.

Just some thoughts.

love and hugs,

Debra V.

---------------------------------

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[Guest guest]

I'm glad you were able to let go of the hate and bitterness towards your ex,

Debra. I know that many people say that divorce is the same as death. You

have to go through the grieving process, and the length of time it takes is

different for each person. Letting go of all our negative feelings is best

for us, but some people just can't or won't be able to do it. I know that

you are much better off having let go of the hate. Thanks for sharing your

feelings.

Jeanne in WI

>I believe that there comes a time that everyone needs to try to mend fences

>with those that have hurt us. (not everyone can).... but it is more

>healthy for the individual to be able to forgive. I heard something long

>ago and it is true. Forgiving is for you, not the person you have

>forgiven. Forgiving is the taking away of all the negative things you

>experience emotionally. (Please don't misunderstand, I know there are alot

>of people who have had such horrible experiences with loved ones that they

>just cannot forgive).

> I will use my ex as an example. When we broke up, it was one of the most

> traumatic times in my life. It actually hurt worse than the death of my

> mother. I felt so betrayed and hurt. I hated the man for doing me the

> way he did. I lived for about 2 or 3 years literally hating him at the

> same time I loved him. It was the most mixed emotions. I just simply

> could not imagine my life without him because I took our vows to heart and

> would have kissed the dirt he walked on I loved him so deeply. He did me

> so wrong. He said the coldest, meanest things to me the last few months.

> OK.... not to offend anyone.... but Yes I did pray. I prayed and prayed

> that god would remove the anger and hatred from my heart because it was

> literally tearing me apart. I had several suicide attempts during the

> period right before I was out of the house with him. I just could not let

> go...... then the last straw ... he had sex with me the night before he

> knew I was taking my 18month old

> daughter and going on a plane to Texas with what I could get in suitcases.

> After we had sex, he said very coldly... " dont forget you have a plane to

> catch in the morning " ...

> He got up like any other day, headed out the door to work at about 6 am.

> He would not even take me and his 18 month old baby to the airport. He

> had his cousin take us. I cannot describe the anger, hatred and deep

> depression I felt.

> God did not answer my prayers right away. But some 4 or 5 years later, I

> was over him. I now have absolutely no feelings for him anymore...

> hatred, love, or otherwise. He is just my daughter's father. We talk

> very civil... we don't argue. I allow him to be a part of our daughter's

> life no matter when he wants to see her. They have a pretty good

> relationship.

> As for me, yes, all the feelings are gone... the good and bad ones.

> He did ask forgiveness a few years later because he had done me so wrong.

> I totally forgive him. I will tell you that he paid in his own time for

> everything he did. I now just want him to be happy.

> However, he has never found happiness. But nevertheless, it is not my

> fault or doing.

> Just some thoughts.

> love and hugs,

> Debra V.