Hello (long & rambling... please delete if you're not in the mood!)

[Guest guest]

Hi Y'all,

I just wanted to tell all of you that I Love you and have been thinking of you! I haven't been posting, but I have been lurking lightly.

My grief over Gregg has been heavy at times... Fate has decreed that I get involved with a man who reminds me of him in deep ways. This makes it both easier and more difficult - Being with feels like being with Gregg (only better, because is more emotionally mature than Gregg and we have so much more in common to share...), so I want to make it into what I had with Gregg, though I know that's not fair to him or me! And then, when I run into a difference (like not being able to see each other more than about once a week) that makes me wish for Gregg. It seems so unfair to have to be going through this again when I really had everything I wanted with Gregg before he got sick (and for the first time in my life too...). Monday morning, was standing next to his bike, waiting for it to warm up. He was wearing his leather jacket and smoking a cigarette and at that moment he looked just like Gregg (it was uncanny). They don't really look alike, but the overall impression is very similar. Folks who knew Gregg and who've met invariably remark upon it.

and I went to Lodge together, with Yellow Horse Man (the Cherokee Elder who married me & Gregg) 3 weekends ago. I felt Gregg's presence at the Lodge - but in a very diffuse and impersonal way. I grieved so effectively that, the next day when and I were leaving, a song came on the radio that was very important to me & Gregg ("One More Day" by Diamond Rio) and I was able to sing along and didn't shed a single tear! It's a back and forth proposition, though! Some days I don't cry at all; others, I seem to do nothing but!

The 4th day after Gregg passed on, I had a brief but very wonderful contact with his Spirit. Yellow Horse's 3.5 year old daughter, Crystal Rain, had told him "My Brother has passed through the stars and every star he passed shined it's light on him and now he's completely healed!" I found that message very wonderful, as you might imagine! And during a meditation, I saw him. He was standing just to the left and behind Archangle - with his own sword - mimicing everything did. He was being funny and I felt him as every bit as whole and happy as I always knew he could be, but never was in life. Sometimes I feel cheated that we couldn't be together when he was totally himself!! This was a guided meditation with 3 people participating. Afterwards, the other members commented on seeing Gregg before I did.

Gregg's son no longer lives with me. He is now living with his Aunt Lynn (Gregg's step-sister) and I think he will do MUCH better there. I'm afraid he and I will never understand one another. Before Gregg and I married, I told him "Your world is ugly. It would kill me to live there. If you want us to be together, you're going to have to come and live in MY world." And he agreed and did so to the best of his ability. It wasn't perfect, but it was enough. Young Gregg never made that comittment and always resented me and my world. I've come to understand that it's not unkind to allow him to go back to the world he knows. I'm very thankful he is not living with me now. It's been 2 months and my house is a home and a refuge again! My two natural sons (Ian - almost 13 and - just turned 9) and I are having the time of our lives without worrying that we might hurt someone's feelings or make someone feel left out or anything!

I hope you all will forgive me for being silent. I really have found that I have no stomach for news of The Disease lately. I expect I won't feel so much like that at some point in the future. I still care deeply for all of you and your difficulties! I expect I'll not be so silent when I've built my reserves back up a bit more! You are all my family, though, and I Love you and think about you - sending good vibes!

Lots of Love,

Jeri