Re: Gemello's office encounter; and my recent broken friendship (rambling)

[Guest guest]

Martha:

Before I start, thanks to everyone for sharing their insight on this

subject.

Besides all the physical stuff we go through, I think this

relationship stuff is the real challenge to our success.

Thank you for sharing. I think it really helps everyone to know that

this stuff is quite common. People react unpredictably to our weight

loss. It's almost as if their world is out of kilter because we are

no longer defined as the " fat one " or " the fattest one. "

And it makes you wonder, do even people you're close to define you by

your size?

In a support group, I remember the moderator (Dr. Gity at Kaiser SSF)

telling us that when we confront and deal with our demons (food

issues and weight), it brings into sharp focus others' demons too.

They see that we're having success at dealing with a difficult issue,

and whether they realize or not, the become aware that they are NOT

dealing with theirs. This can cause jealousy and resentment even

from people who love us.

How many times have we all heard, " Who does she think she is now that

she's lost all that weight? She's acting like a (fill in the blank). "

We all know that it's hard work and takes a great deal of courage to

do what we all do. Sometimes our weight losses roll off our tongues

like it was nothing. Take a moment to think of the 100's of pounds

lost just here in our group. I'm sure it totals more that a 1000!

That's a HUGE accomplishment (no pun intended).

So the hard work continues, but the attitude I've adopted really

works for me. That co-worker of mine will continue to have drama

over everything (her life is a BIG mess). This past year I've had so

much success pulling myself out of the gossip/rumor mill. By

limiting people's access to my information, people are now afraid (or

at least very careful) about how they approach me about my weight.

Most avoid the topic entirely. Because everyone knows, if they go

over the line even a little bit, I call them on it.

I say, " I'm not comfortable talking about that. " You should see

people squirm when I say that. I'm not a b*tch about it, but I'm

firm. People hate being told that they crossed a boundary. It's

amazing how readily (not easy at first, takes practice) people hand

over that power. My information is my power. My boundary is

strong. And I no longer give a flying crap what people say behind my

back. I don't like those people, and they certainly are not the

people I love.

OK, I'm rambling... but now I have a few close friends/family who

know me and my story. They know who I am, and love whatever weight I

am. And that's all we want...to be judged by... wow, I'm feeling a

Dr. Luther King, Jr. moment.

I have a dream that one day, all people will be judged not by the

weight of their body, but by the content of their character.

I don't mean that to be in any way disrespectful of Dr. King or the

Civil Rights movement. I think that we as fat people continue to be

discriminated against in so many ways.

Ok, I'll shut up now...

Gemello

2 days until the big turkey carving

-133 lbs

> Gemello,

> Sorry about that bitch in your office. I think your email was fine,

altho

> it could provoke her to get even more dramatic since you say

you 'won't

> talk about it'. Sometimes that's a real turn-on for gossipers. But

who

> cares!? Those who go for what she says and does are no better than

she

> is. You can't get through to them. Folks of good character can

usually

> discern what's real and right, and to them she just makes herself

look

> bad. You probably know this... but if you watch for the peeps who

steer

> clear of her, they're the only ones in the office who MAY have a

shred of

> integrity.

>

> I recently lost a friendship of 22 years, and it's breaking my

heart. The

> 2 women I went to the nursing convention with stopped talking to

me. For

> the first time in our long relationship I called them on some

behavior:

> they were excluding me from conversations and otherwise snubbing me

when

> we were together during the trip. They didn't want to talk about it

at

> all and the 'leader' of our threesome reprimanded me in a very

> humiliating fashion for just bringing it up. I realized that while I

> value talking about what's going on in relationships, they clearly

> weren't gonna do that. So, following the Buddhist precept to " drive

blame

> into oneself " , I apologized for bringing it up. They both said they

> accepted my apology, and all was well or so I thought...only I

haven't

> heard from them since even though I've emailed each of them twice

> (they're usually good about writing back).

>

> Aside from being nurses together, these 2 used to be my shopping

buddies.

> L, the 'leader', is about a size 18-22; K used to be about a size

4. I

> was always the fattest of the 3 of us. We used to prowl the large-

size

> departments since two of us were X sizes, and K would be our " token

thin

> person " and give us fashion advice. Then we'd go to the regular-size

> departments and give K fashion advice. Then we'd go have lunch and

> margaritas.

>

> Now I'm the thinnest of the 3. To make matters worse, K has been

gaining

> wt. and is now probably about a size 8. On our trip, for the first

time

> the 2 of them didn't want to go shopping. [Digression: Instead they

MADE

> me go to Disneyland (I'd never been). Hahaha, I hated it! The rides

were

> okay, it was lunch that made me throw up! But you guys know what a

> curmudgeon I am...if I'd been with a kid it mighta been okay.

Hrrmph.]

>

> Anyway... It never occurred to me that my weight could be the issue

until

> a friend pointed out that that's the only thing that's really

changed

> after 22 years of friendship.

>

> Jay threw the I-Ching for me and it says to not do anything more

about

> this. Well, that's Confucius for ya-- Don't do anything unless the

house

> is burning down. But the old guy is probably right. I've reached

out to

> them and they're not answering. Not much else I can do except

mourn: I'm

> sleeping too much and I feel a physical pain in my belly. But I'm

trying

> to avoid eating over it.

>

> Martha

[Guest guest]

Gemello

wouldnt that be the "little turkey carving " now that you are smaller LOL ?

ColleenGemello DiGiovanni wrote:

Martha:Before I start, thanks to everyone for sharing their insight on this subject.Besides all the physical stuff we go through, I think this relationship stuff is the real challenge to our success.Thank you for sharing. I think it really helps everyone to know that this stuff is quite common. People react unpredictably to our weight loss. It's almost as if their world is out of kilter because we are no longer defined as the "fat one" or "the fattest one."And it makes you wonder, do even people you're close to define you by your size?In a support group, I remember the moderator (Dr. Gity at Kaiser SSF) telling us that when we confront and deal with our demons (food issues and weight), it brings into sharp focus others' demons too. They see that we're having success at dealing with

a difficult issue, and whether they realize or not, the become aware that they are NOT dealing with theirs. This can cause jealousy and resentment even from people who love us.How many times have we all heard, "Who does she think she is now that she's lost all that weight? She's acting like a (fill in the blank)."We all know that it's hard work and takes a great deal of courage to do what we all do. Sometimes our weight losses roll off our tongues like it was nothing. Take a moment to think of the 100's of pounds lost just here in our group. I'm sure it totals more that a 1000! That's a HUGE accomplishment (no pun intended).So the hard work continues, but the attitude I've adopted really works for me. That co-worker of mine will continue to have drama over everything (her life is a BIG mess). This past year I've had so much success pulling myself out of the

gossip/rumor mill. By limiting people's access to my information, people are now afraid (or at least very careful) about how they approach me about my weight. Most avoid the topic entirely. Because everyone knows, if they go over the line even a little bit, I call them on it.I say, "I'm not comfortable talking about that." You should see people squirm when I say that. I'm not a b*tch about it, but I'm firm. People hate being told that they crossed a boundary. It's amazing how readily (not easy at first, takes practice) people hand over that power. My information is my power. My boundary is strong. And I no longer give a flying crap what people say behind my back. I don't like those people, and they certainly are not the people I love.OK, I'm rambling... but now I have a few close friends/family who know me and my story. They know who I am, and

love whatever weight I am. And that's all we want...to be judged by... wow, I'm feeling a Dr. Luther King, Jr. moment.I have a dream that one day, all people will be judged not by the weight of their body, but by the content of their character.I don't mean that to be in any way disrespectful of Dr. King or the Civil Rights movement. I think that we as fat people continue to be discriminated against in so many ways.Ok, I'll shut up now...Gemello2 days until the big turkey carving-133 lbs> Gemello,> Sorry about that bitch in your office. I think your email was fine, altho> it could provoke her to get even more dramatic since you say you 'won't> talk about it'. Sometimes that's a real turn-on for gossipers. But who> cares!? Those

who go for what she says and does are no better than she> is. You can't get through to them. Folks of good character can usually> discern what's real and right, and to them she just makes herself look> bad. You probably know this... but if you watch for the peeps who steer> clear of her, they're the only ones in the office who MAY have a shred of> integrity. > > I recently lost a friendship of 22 years, and it's breaking my heart. The> 2 women I went to the nursing convention with stopped talking to me. For> the first time in our long relationship I called them on some behavior:> they were excluding me from conversations and otherwise snubbing me when> we were together during the trip. They didn't want to talk about it at> all and the 'leader' of our threesome reprimanded me in a very> humiliating fashion for just bringing it up. I realized that while

I> value talking about what's going on in relationships, they clearly> weren't gonna do that. So, following the Buddhist precept to "drive blame> into oneself", I apologized for bringing it up. They both said they> accepted my apology, and all was well or so I thought...only I haven't> heard from them since even though I've emailed each of them twice> (they're usually good about writing back). > > Aside from being nurses together, these 2 used to be my shopping buddies.> L, the 'leader', is about a size 18-22; K used to be about a size 4. I> was always the fattest of the 3 of us. We used to prowl the large-size> departments since two of us were X sizes, and K would be our "token thin> person" and give us fashion advice. Then we'd go to the regular-size> departments and give K fashion advice. Then we'd go have lunch and> margaritas.> > Now I'm the

thinnest of the 3. To make matters worse, K has been gaining> wt. and is now probably about a size 8. On our trip, for the first time> the 2 of them didn't want to go shopping. [Digression: Instead they MADE> me go to Disneyland (I'd never been). Hahaha, I hated it! The rides were> okay, it was lunch that made me throw up! But you guys know what a> curmudgeon I am...if I'd been with a kid it mighta been okay. Hrrmph.]> > Anyway... It never occurred to me that my weight could be the issue until> a friend pointed out that that's the only thing that's really changed> after 22 years of friendship. > > Jay threw the I-Ching for me and it says to not do anything more about> this. Well, that's Confucius for ya-- Don't do anything unless the house> is burning down. But the old guy is probably right. I've reached out to> them and they're not answering. Not

much else I can do except mourn: I'm> sleeping too much and I feel a physical pain in my belly. But I'm trying> to avoid eating over it.> > MarthaColleen

[Guest guest]

Hi Gemello,

First off . . . I so admire how you have taken control of your

boundaries. It is not aggressive or confrontational - it is just a

strong, assertive sense of self. I seek to be the same. I am pretty

open with most folks, but I do have boundaries.

About relationships . . . I have several friends and acquaintances who

are very large. Sometimes, when I am around them, I am uncomfortable

about my happiness about my weight loss - as though I don't want to hurt

them. I know that this is my problem, not theirs. So far, I have been

very fortunate that they have not done anything to make me feel shunned.

There are times when I wish that they would be interested in wls for

themselves - but I have told most of them that I would not recommend

this surgery for anyone else. I always clarify that I think the surgery

is a godsend & would do it again if I had to, but each person must come

to it on her/his own because of the commitment to changes that it

requires and the risks it involves. I then offer to share with them

anything & everything I know about wls, if they are ever interested.

I have to share with you about one of my friends. She is so refreshing

.. . . I can always feel her delight for me. She is about my height

(5 " 1 " ) and weighs about 210 or 220 - so she is no skinny little thing.

But somehow, I never feel uncomfortable around her. I was at her home

yesterday and I noticed that she kept looking at me and grinning. I

finally asked about it . . . she just said that she was so happy for me

that she couldn't help smiling. A bit later, she said, quite happily,

" You're smaller than I am. " I know that she weighs less than I do and I

would love to have her muscle tone, so I challenged, " Where? " She

looked at me critically and said that she thought her hips were bigger

than mine. We actually measured to see - I couldn't imagine being

smaller. Well, she was right - and, she was delighted for me. Wow!!!

Just thinking about how unself-consciously supportive she is just about

brings me to tears.

I'm being long-winded again. Enough, already.

All the best,

Kay

open RNY 12/1/03

Gemello DiGiovanni wrote:

> . . .

>

> Besides all the physical stuff we go through, I think this

> relationship stuff is the real challenge to our success.

>

> Thank you for sharing. I think it really helps everyone to know that

> this stuff is quite common. People react unpredictably to our weight

> loss. It's almost as if their world is out of kilter because we are

> no longer defined as the " fat one " or " the fattest one. "

>

> And it makes you wonder, do even people you're close to define you by

> your size?

>

> In a support group, I remember the moderator (Dr. Gity at Kaiser SSF)

> telling us that when we confront and deal with our demons (food

> issues and weight), it brings into sharp focus others' demons too.

> They see that we're having success at dealing with a difficult issue,

> and whether they realize or not, the become aware that they are NOT

> dealing with theirs. This can cause jealousy and resentment even

> from people who love us.

>

> . . .

>

> I say, " I'm not comfortable talking about that. " You should see

> people squirm when I say that. I'm not a b*tch about it, but I'm

> firm. People hate being told that they crossed a boundary. It's

> amazing how readily (not easy at first, takes practice) people hand

> over that power. My information is my power. My boundary is

> strong. And I no longer give a flying crap what people say behind my

> back. I don't like those people, and they certainly are not the

> people I love.

>

> OK, I'm rambling...

>

> Ok, I'll shut up now...

>

> Gemello

> 2 days until the big turkey carving

> -133 lbs