RE: Re: a question - what made you start?

[Guest guest]

Okay, here's my story and I'm sticking to it.

First of all, a little about me for new people who are wondering " Who is

this bossy, irritating, woman who acts like she knows it all? "

First of all, I don't know it all. I'm learning just like everyone here,

but I find that when I teach my own understanding is strengthened. I'm a

teacher who joined Weight Watchers in February of 2002 and hit my goal

weight in December of 2002, having lost 92 pounds. Since then I've hit

below my personal goal, going from 222 to 115. Even though I hit my goal

over a year ago, I still do Weight Watchers every single day;

journaling, counting points, earning activity points.

So what got me here? Well I kind of took the scenic route. Oh, settle

back, grab a cup of coffee, splash some sugar-free daVinci syrup into

it...you're in for a long read.

About three years ago I was visiting my family. Now it's never been any

secret that I'm odd man out in my family. My sisters and brother are all

gorgeous. None of them have ever dealt with a weight problem. I've

always been odd looking (curly hair, heavyset, etc.) and never really

fit in with them. In my family I am " Just Tory " as in, " Oh, it's just

Tory " as in not really that important, but handy when a computer needs

fixing or someone's kid needs babysitting. My family had moved away the

year before and I was visiting them in California. My mom sat me down in

her rec room where on the wall were dozens of pictures of my sister, my

brother, my nieces and nephews, and my other sister. Of my husband and

I? There was one small wallet sized picture in a tiny frame that I'd

sent her the previous year. She piled into my lap a number of scrapbooks

that she wanted me to go through. They were great! Lots of pictures of

everyone in California, some pictures of fun things we'd done together

as kids, and some more recent pictures of us when they visited us and

when we'd visited them. But then upon looking closer I noticed that I

looked even MORE odd in all of the pictures. The recent ones were

digital and in every picture she had either made me look thinner by

stretching the picture (so I looked like some sort of frizzy-headed

giantess), or placed a plant, a flower, or piece of completely random

clip-art to cover up my fat.

My cheeks burned I was SO angry and so hurt! I mean come on, it was no

secret that I was nobody's favorite, but I was okay with that. But the

idea that every time I walked into a room my own mother was doing a

mental inventory of what was wrong with me just hurt! It sort of all

became clear...the lack of photos on the wall, the outings where we'd

take pictures and she'd organize everyone into the picture and have me

take it, the time when we had family photos taken and while I stood to

the side, she had the photographer take about a dozen shots of JUST the

other kids (the pretty ones), the times I'd visited and they'd go out to

dinner and not invite me, leaving me behind because " You don't need to

eat that stuff anyhow, there's a salad in the fridge. " All that sort of

made me realize that my weight was a BIG issue for my mother. In fact,

it seemed a much bigger issue for her than for me.

So I went home and I had thought about it a lot, talked to Roy about it,

and finally just sent a letter to my mom that said " I am a fat woman. I

will probably always BE a fat woman. Anyone who cannot accept me

completely the way I am, is not someone I need in my life. "

She agreed. As always, she didn't get it. See I don't think she was

concious of any of her hurts and slights.

So you'd think that would drive me to diet. It didn't. It made me think

a LOT about being acceptable to my family. I was SO hurt and then one

day I realized that I was actually expecting my mother to love me JUST

THE WAY I WAS! BUT, and this is a big butt...err, but...I was NOT

requiring the same unconditional love OF myself!

Whoa! Big time epiphany there! It was one of those " do as I say, not as

I do " things!

So right then and there I decided to start requiring the same respect

from ME as I was desiring from others. I went on sort of a year long

" journey " of self-love. I read books like " Fat? So! " and " Wake Up, I'm

Fat! " and " Self Esteem at Any Size " and I learned that I am not a more

valuable person, nor am I less valuable person simply due to the number

of the scale. In fact, I was pretty darn awesome EXACTLY the way I was!

Wait a minute. That doesn't seem right! Don't most people embark on

weight loss because they are disgusted with themselves? Well yes they

do, and I am absolutely convinced that this is why the statistics say

that MOST people who lose weight do not keep it off. Because if you hate

yourself fat, you're going to hate yourself thin. Fat is not the cause

of everything that ails, nor is it the answer to a happy fulfilling

life. It is simply adipose tissue that many of us surround ourselves

with because we are so unhappy in other ways. It becomes the excuse for

why we don't go for things that would make us happy, not the cause of

our unhappiness.

So about a year later I'm feeling pretty darn self confident. My self

concept has risen dramatically. I realize that I have always been a

valuable, strong woman who deserves to have all the love and respect

that anyone else gets. It was great. So you're thinking " Yeah, and when

did the weight loss come in? "

Well there came a point where I couldn't continue to live this double

life. Either I loved and respected ALL of myself, or I didn't. I said

it, I felt it, but I wasn't SHOWING it. I wasn't proving to myself that

I loved myself. I didn't realize it at first. It was, well, the voice.

Yes, the voice. Stop laughing. Coffee will come out your nose and that

is so NOT attractive. Stop it!

All of a sudden I'm hanging out, I'm eating chocolates, I'm feeling fine

and this voice says, " So let me get this straight...you say you love

yourself, right? "

" Yesh " I murmer around a mouthful of Sees.

" Yet you're doing this to your body. "

*Glower*

" Shut up, here have a chocolate. "

A few days later she's back. The voice.

" If you love yourself so much then why are you abusing your body in this

way? "

" Bite me! " I snap, spraying cookie crumbs on the front of my shirt.

" I mean I'm just saying...let's say you had a kid. Would you tell a kid

'I love you' and then feed her poison? After all, isn't that what you're

doing to yourself? Slowly poisoning yourself with food? "

" LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!!! I can't HEAR you! " I screamed, getting cookie

crumbs in my ears.

You know who I think the voice was? I think it was my inner child.

Little brat.

A few days later she pipes up again.

" Did you know that at your weight you are at an increased risk for heart

disease, cancer of the digestive system, diabetes, and a host of other

lifestyle related illnesses? "

" Who asked you? "

" Did you further know that every day you walk around with this extra

weight on, you are wearing down the joints in your ankles and knees. AND

FURTHERMORE... "

" When did you get so smart all of a sudden? " I glowered at her.

" Hey, you're the one who wanted the Masters Degree. "

" Shut up! Here, have a cookie. "

I tried to shut her out, but she was there like a bad penny. I'd be

eating dinner, and she'd drop in murmering the calorie content of the

Big Mac I was wolfing down. I'd be sitting in the mall and see a skinny

girl walk by and I'd think " Man, I'd do anything to look like that " and

she'd helpfully intone, " Yes! Anything but eat right and exercise! "

Oh she was EVIL!

But she was right, dammit. I was talking the talk, but I wasn't walking

the walk. I realized that if I loved myself then I really needed to not

just SAY it, but do it! This was about November 2001. I started talking

to my husband about it (not mentioning the voice, no reason to cause him

concern). We started researching weight loss options together and one

day I stumbled across Weight Watchers. In January I discovered that

Wwers had an online component! That was it! I signed up on February 2,

2002. I started my first day of Wwers on February 3, and the rest is

history!

So it wasn't that I finally got disgusted with myself, but more that I

finally realized that I am much too valuable a person to allow me to go

on and abuse my body! I want to live long and more importantly, I want

to live long in a healthy manner!

[Guest guest]

Tory~ I have been reading your blog since last July and I just love your

attitude. I think it was reading it that help me bring myself to a place

where I was ready to work on this part of my life. Thank you for

that. You really are a true inspiration on how to make the best life for

yourself. Not just with weight loss but all areas. I really have had a

hard time with always giving up on weight loss because I would start out of

disgust and frustration with myself and as soon as I started to lose enough

that I liked myself or got compliments I would stop losing. I started to

think, I'm OK now everyone else seems to think so, so why fight this

anymore. Any time I have reached a low weight I have never held it for

more than 2 weeks. I really think that it is because I started for the

wrong reasons. I actually have a overall good self image so it didn't take

much for me to be ok again. I am starting this journey without beating

myself and just expecting the best of myself and nothing less because I

deserve it and my kids to deserve to grow up with a healthy roll

model. Not to mention it would be nice to be the Hot little league mom

that all of the other moms snicker at because they are jealous, LOL.

Anyways thanks for sharing your story!

Ang

[Guest guest]

Tory~ I have been reading your blog since last July and I

> just love your

> attitude. I think it was reading it that help me bring

> myself to a place

> where I was ready to work on this part of my life. Thank you for

> that. You really are a true inspiration on how to make the

> best life for

> yourself. Not just with weight loss but all areas. I really

Thank you! What a wonderful compliment! I really appreciate that. Hey I

figure you only go around once in this life. You need to embrace it,

learn to enjoy where you're at, while striving for better things.

> have had a

> hard time with always giving up on weight loss because I

> would start out of

> disgust and frustration with myself and as soon as I started

> to lose enough

> that I liked myself or got compliments I would stop losing.

> I started to

> think, I'm OK now everyone else seems to think so, so why fight this

> anymore. Any time I have reached a low weight I have never

> held it for

> more than 2 weeks. I really think that it is because I

> started for the

> wrong reasons. I actually have a overall good self image so

> it didn't take

> much for me to be ok again. I am starting this journey

> without beating

> myself and just expecting the best of myself and nothing less

> because I

> deserve it and my kids to deserve to grow up with a healthy roll

You do deserve it! It sounds like me that you defined your worth based

on your weight, and when you considered yourself " worthy " you would stop

dieting. So you were equating both weight and dieting in negative tones.

Neither really are negative. Yes, we are striving to lose weight for our

health, and other reasons, but it doesn't make us " bad people " to be

fat. Neither is monitoring our food intake! I know personally one of the

reasons I hadn't started a weight loss program with dedication before is

that I thought I'd have to give up so much to do that. Turns out I

didn't really give up anything! I just gave up eating EVERYTHING in

sight! LOL!

So now you realize that you are a wonderful person DESPITE your weight

and that you're worth it. I know it totally sounds corny, but I kind of

think of taking care of my body as a " gift " I give to someone I love on

a daily basis...me. (Dorky dorky dorky...but you know what I mean.)

> model. Not to mention it would be nice to be the Hot little

> league mom

> that all of the other moms snicker at because they are jealous, LOL.

LOL! Hey, I have to admit that I kind of snicker a little when I get

those " skinny b--ch " comments.

> Anyways thanks for sharing your story!

> Ang

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Oh I hear you! When I was 8 my mother told me to go on a diet! Yeah,

like I had ANY idea what that even meant! I know what it did to me,

though. It made me feel ugly. (Not blaming my mother for my weight loss,

but that wasn't cool.)

> Re: a question - what made

> you start?

>

>

> Thank you so much for sharing your story, Tory. I can totally

> relate to your family situation. Not the sibling issue but the

> parental approval. I can remember so many situation where my dad

> would say, " Why don't you go on a diet or something? " or " Are you

> planning to diet this year? " My mom once sat down with me and

> yelled at me for being fat and told me to " run around the

> neighborhood " > I was 11! What did I know about proper diets or

> exercise routines?! Maybe if my parents actually gave me realistic

> tools and educational.....

>

> Anyway,

> Cheyenne

>

>

>

>