ALOT to say.. mostly me whining. Sorry.

[Guest guest]

Today is a bad day. Today is a bad day in a string of bad days.

First off, I read Debra V.'s post about suicide being the #1 cause

of death for fibromyalgia sufferers. That is definately easy to

believe. I will openly admit, I have tried to kill myself before,

and honestly, few days that I flare go by without me thinking about

it. Today is definately one of those days.

I feel so bitter lately. I am so angry at life and I hate the world

so much. I hurt all the time. Other people don't. So far in life, I

had alot of abusive situations, my grandparents were my only

grounding, and my only real parents. They died 5 months apart.

During those 5 months (at the age of 16, I might add) I had to move

in with my grandfather and take care of him. He had leukemia,

diabetes and was a recent amputee. Ironically, it was a heart

disorder that killed him. My other grandmother died suddenly too.

After that, I had already dropped out of school, so I started

working trying to help my mom pay bills. Then my dad got sick and

lingered for 20 months with ALS. If anyone here has seen what Lou

Gerhigs (ALS) does, it is one truly horrific disease. I spent most

of my time caring for him and learning things I honestly don't want

to know, like caring for a feeding tube. This whole time, I went

through half a hundred doctors trying to get someone to believe me

about my fibro. When I found ones that did, they still didn't help.

By the way, all this occurred in a little over 2 years.

Anyway. I see myself wondering... all this has gone on in my life,

and yet, I still have to deal with this monster of a disease. How is

that fair?

I love my husband more than anything. He really is a good guy. But

somedays.. I swear he tries my patience. My mother in law has made

it clear that she doesnt like me. She informed me I would have to

grow up and go back to work. Well, I would love to. I miss working.

I miss not hurting so bad that I cry myself to sleep and wake up in

the middle of the night crying. Thanks though, going back to work

hadnt crossed my mind and I was just waiting on her to give me the

go-ahead. Good job. Anyway, when we have arguments, he calls his mom

and tells her. She is his confidant. She bad mouths me and it takes

days to fix the damage. I feel like I am fighting her for his soul.

And yes, I do believe she is evil.

Also, before we met, he got in some trouble and got arrested. Now,

he has straightened up, and like I said, is a good man, but we are

still having issues in court because of this incident. When he is

stressed out because of that, he can be difficult to deal with. Of

course, I stress out when he does, then have a flare. He is

like " Youre always hurting, why cant you deal with it? I have all

this to worry about.. " I want to scream at him " YOU HAVE THIS TO

WORRY ABOUT BECAUSE OF YOUR OWN STUPIDITY. NOT MY PROBLEM. " Like

somehow I choose to hurt. Like I dont try my best to be there for

him. Well guess what? Sometimes I need someone to worry about me

some. No one can do anything, except get me a glass of sweet tea and

dont make me be alone. I hate being alone when I hurt.

And right now.. he was up all night playing video games. So he is

asleep. And I am alone. And I am crying. And I hurt. And he knows

this.

And I cant get into a pain doctor because their fax machine isnt

working so they cant get my records and they say they cant make me

an appointment because of a stupid broken fax.

I'm sorry... I am whining.

Thanks for listening though.

--Suzanne

[Guest guest]

Hi Suzanne,

I'm so sorry you've been having such a bad time. I also feel so badly for

your having reached a point at one time that the only solution seemed tobe

ending your life. That makes me really sad. I have not attemped suicide, but

have been very close at various times. Thankfully I had someone help me when I

was at that point and I recovered. It always seemed to me that everyone would

consider suicide an option among all the other options. It wasn't until I was

under psychiatric care that I learned that most people don't. I don't know if

it's in our genes or our upbringing, but that severe a depression seems to run

in families. I'm sorry you have to struggle with that and pray that you see

hope around the corner. It will get better. I don't know when, but it will.

Do you have a doctor you can talk to? Are you on any psychiatric drugs? I am

and they definitely help me.

You have had a hell of a life. Being tossed around from person to person and

caring for the elderly and sick, gave you no sence of security. I can

understand why you are so angry. You didn't get to be a child and now this

monster is ruining your being an adult. No it is not fair. I wish I could make

life easier for you and I would if I could. You need a steady influence on your

life, one filled with hope and not despair. I hope you can get that from this

group of wonderful people. I can honestly feel your pain and want to demand it

to go away.

Take care of yourself and keep writing,

Marti

Suzanne wrote:

Today is a bad day. Today is a bad day in a string of bad days.

First off, I read Debra V.'s post about suicide being the #1 cause

of death for fibromyalgia sufferers. That is definately easy to

believe. I will openly admit, I have tried to kill myself before,

and honestly, few days that I flare go by without me thinking about

it. Today is definately one of those days.

I feel so bitter lately. I am so angry at life and I hate the world

so much. I hurt all the time. Other people don't. So far in life, I

had alot of abusive situations, my grandparents were my only

grounding, and my only real parents. They died 5 months apart.

During those 5 months (at the age of 16, I might add) I had to move

in with my grandfather and take care of him. He had leukemia,

diabetes and was a recent amputee. Ironically, it was a heart

disorder that killed him. My other grandmother died suddenly too.

After that, I had already dropped out of school, so I started

working trying to help my mom pay bills. Then my dad got sick and

lingered for 20 months with ALS. If anyone here has seen what Lou

Gerhigs (ALS) does, it is one truly horrific disease. I spent most

of my time caring for him and learning things I honestly don't want

to know, like caring for a feeding tube. This whole time, I went

through half a hundred doctors trying to get someone to believe me

about my fibro. When I found ones that did, they still didn't help.

By the way, all this occurred in a little over 2 years.

Anyway. I see myself wondering... all this has gone on in my life,

and yet, I still have to deal with this monster of a disease. How is

that fair?

I love my husband more than anything. He really is a good guy. But

somedays.. I swear he tries my patience. My mother in law has made

it clear that she doesnt like me. She informed me I would have to

grow up and go back to work. Well, I would love to. I miss working.

I miss not hurting so bad that I cry myself to sleep and wake up in

the middle of the night crying. Thanks though, going back to work

hadnt crossed my mind and I was just waiting on her to give me the

go-ahead. Good job. Anyway, when we have arguments, he calls his mom

and tells her. She is his confidant. She bad mouths me and it takes

days to fix the damage. I feel like I am fighting her for his soul.

And yes, I do believe she is evil.

Also, before we met, he got in some trouble and got arrested. Now,

he has straightened up, and like I said, is a good man, but we are

still having issues in court because of this incident. When he is

stressed out because of that, he can be difficult to deal with. Of

course, I stress out when he does, then have a flare. He is

like " Youre always hurting, why cant you deal with it? I have all

this to worry about.. " I want to scream at him " YOU HAVE THIS TO

WORRY ABOUT BECAUSE OF YOUR OWN STUPIDITY. NOT MY PROBLEM. " Like

somehow I choose to hurt. Like I dont try my best to be there for

him. Well guess what? Sometimes I need someone to worry about me

some. No one can do anything, except get me a glass of sweet tea and

dont make me be alone. I hate being alone when I hurt.

And right now.. he was up all night playing video games. So he is

asleep. And I am alone. And I am crying. And I hurt. And he knows

this.

And I cant get into a pain doctor because their fax machine isnt

working so they cant get my records and they say they cant make me

an appointment because of a stupid broken fax.

I'm sorry... I am whining.

Thanks for listening though.

--Suzanne

---------------------------------

Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

[Guest guest]

Suzanne, you have had a very tough life. I don't envy all that you have

been through in your young years. I'm surprised that you have your sanity and

you can deal with you mother-in-law (mil). My second mil made my life

miserable in many ways, because I was 13 years younger than her son and she

started

becoming a great grandmother by the time I had my third child and she didn't

think that it was right.

Anyway, you are doing great to be trying to cope and deal with what life has

handed you.

Love and gentle hugs,

Debi/So. Cal.-54

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Be a good e-mail buddy, and ALWAYS

protect your friends from email address harvesters which can lead to more

Spam, unwanted mail, and even viruses.

Copy and paste into a new email and place parenthesis around the addresses.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**************************************See AOL's top rated recipes

(http://food.aol.com/top-rated-recipes?NCID=aoltop00030000000004)