A new person's intro. :-)

[Guest guest]

Here is my introduction to y'all. I found this group a few days ago,

and I've been lurking. I'm planning on staying around for a while,

though. I have the WW materials and will be doing WW at home until I

am able to afford face-to-face meetings-- then I NEED to get to those.

I need the accountability.

Anyway, here's a bit about me. It's sort of long-- sorry!

I'm not new to WW by any means. I first became a " Lifetime " member of

WW when I was 12. Yep, 12-- that's not a typo. I lost 32 lbs that

time. In high school I started gaining, and was off-and-on WW appx.

15 times from the time I was 18 until I was 26. At the age of 27, I

was at my highest weight of 354 lbs., and all was hopeless to me. I

literally wanted to die, and drastic times called for drastic

measures, so . . . I had gastric bypass surgery, and over the course

of a year and a half lost 191 lbs. The surgery was in many ways a

lifesaver for me, and I would do it again. However, one would think

that, following surgery, I would not have any more weight issues, right?

LOL. Of COURSE that's not true! Stomach surgery doesn't affect the

head, and while having a smaller stomach makes eating large amounts of

food more difficult, I can still graze and make bad food choices, as

evidenced by the 26 lbs I've gained from my lowest weight. :-( So

here I am-- trying to re-learn good habits, address the head issues

that constantly plague me, and get back into a regular exercise

routine. I also need to be accountable to myself for my food choices,

because " just a bite " can really add up if you're having 20 bites in

an hour, you know? WW has always been a rational means of eating for

life, and so I'm back. I cannot afford to attend F2F meetings, or

enroll in WW online, but I have an old book (from before FlexPoints,

but it's a points-based book) and points calculator, and will use

those, as well as online support, to stick with the program. My

weigh-in day will be Monday mornings at home (once I get to a WW

meeting in my area, I'll be going on Saturday AM's).

Some of you might think that I should go find a surgery support

group-- that since I took " the easy way out " (although I could argue

quite convincingly that there is NOTHING easy about being sliced from

sternum to navel, and STILL having head hunger issues!!!) I should get

support from surgery support groups. Believe me, I've been to WW

meetings even after surgery where I tell folks how much i've lost, and

I get lots of praise, and then I tell them how, and a hush falls over

the room and people stop talking to me . . . <sigh> . . .

*But* I find a lot of my issues, while the same as other people with

weight loss surgery, aren't dealt with properly on WLS support boards.

There are a lot of folks out there who have the surgery and fool

themselves into thinking surgery cures all your food issues, which it

DOESN'T. There are folks who tell themselves they can eat all they

want, and when they gain weight they just accept it as a " normal "

effect of being further out from the surgery and don't address their

negative behaviors, even though they gain 60 lbs or more. Those people

then think they need MORE surgeries (revisions of the bypass, or

plastic surgery) to lose MORE weight, even though they've ALWAYS had

the power to address their own eating habits. I do not want to fall in

that same trap. I need to be among people who DO hold themselves

accountable for their food choices and lack of exercise, and DO

SOMETHING ABOUT THEM. In that sense, I have more in common with

y'all. If that makes any sense.

Some things regarding my relationship with WW, and weight loss, are

different this time around, I think. I know myself better than I ever

did before, and I *like* myself more now than I did at my heaviest.

It's easier to take care of your body if you like your body a little

bit. It's also far, far easier to change my eating habits right now,

with only 30 lbs to lose, than it was at my heaviest.

Also different is that I'm slowly moving away from the idea of me

being a fat person. This may not make any sense, but I think for so

long my identity was wrapped up in being a fat person. It was who I

was. I'm starting to believe that I can be something OTHER than a fat

person (i.e., a " normal " sized person), and I'm choosing to look

towards that future, rather than stay mired in the past. They say in

defensive driving that you steer your car in whatever direction you

are looking. In the past, I've always looked at being fat-- of course

I'd return to a fatter weight, no matter how much I temporarily lost!

Now, I'm looking in a different direction. I want to be " normal " .

I also know that, in the past, I used my fat as a shield from the

outside world. It was my protection. I'm allowing myself to be more

vulnerable, and although it is a struggle at times, I know that the

vulnerability is a trade-off for the obesity. One can hurt me, but

the other can kill me. When put in those terms, it makes complete

sense to welcome vulnerability. ;-)

And, as I stated above, I'm journaling. Talking to friends and my

husband about food issues (also have a history of eating disorders--as

if I needed any MORE complications to my story! LOL). Mapping out a

course of action. Taking responsibility for my choices. Only weighing

in once a week (in the past, I've used the scale being " down " as a

license to eat more--ack!). I'm hoping these make me a success in my

goals-- the first to become more physically active, the second to cook

more healthfully for my husband and I, the third to get back to

wedding weight, and the fourth to surpass the wedding weight and lose

the additional 6 lbs to my WW goal.

I'm looking forward to getting to know you all. I also want to know

more about the various challenges and how to get involved. :-)

Sorry for being so long of a message-- I've been thinking A LOT over

the past few weeks about all of this, and it's only started to make a

bit of sense in the past two days. I don't know if I wrote it in a

way that makes sense, but here it all is on your screen. (Sorry!)

Have a good day!

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