Re: Really confused :(

[Guest guest]

Mel,

Not too awfully long ago a young fellow came to the group with RA. His

wife, upon discovering his illness, bailed out. A similar circumstance

occured with a young woman who came to the group, and found herself sans

husband.

When a young man marries his hopes, dreams and desires are often filled by a

loving, attentive and affectionate wife. When they, or her especially,

decide to have children her affection becomes the thing of his dreams, so

wanted does he seem to be. Of course, this assumes things run their natural

course and he does not feel like he's being used for stud.

Then his loving bride gets pregnant and he's poised for all that may come...

sort of. He sees her sick and says, it'll pass soon. He dolts on her and

if things go well, the second trimester is reminiscent of times before.

Then he sees some other guys and complains about his wife being sick, or

unresponsive, or inattentive, or whatever. They all look at him, fathers

every one, and say to him with absolutely straight faces that it will all go

back to " normal " after the baby comes. He smiles, they turn away as a group

and laugh at their joke for they all know to a man that in fact things will

never be the same for this naive young buck, and his amorous yearnings will

meet with frustration.

Men as a rule enmasse don't share such " realities " with thier younger

brethren. It's like some right of passage. They had to go through it, he

can go through it too. But if he stays the course, be filled with something

considerably different -- and better. He will become someone new:

responsible, dedicated, serious in ways never imagined. He will also be

forced to grow, become patient, see his wife in a new way, etc.

My point is simple: life is a growth process. As adults we choose how to

grow. You can grow together and stronger by intent; or weaker and more

self-indulgent, also by intent. You choose.

God gave your son both a mother and a father. The Bible defines an orphan

differently than we do. An orphan in God's economy is any child without a

father. Not a child without father or mother, but one just without a

father. Thus a single mother with child whose husband had died would be a

" family " of a widow and orphan.

Think about that as it relates to our country today: By God's definition we

are rightly called a fatherless nation.

Your boy will learn from both parents that God gave him; he will learn good

things and bad things from both of you. He gave you a husband with a

specific set of instructions, and He gave your husband a wife with just as

specific a set of instructions. Rather than looking at his faults, foibles

and failures, of which there are doubtless plenty, read Corinthians to see

what his instructions are, what is required of him. Then read yours. And

before finding those very obvious faults, check the mirror for a log.

Arguments require contention. Contention is an evil spirit bent on

destruction: destroying your marriage, destroying your family, destroying

your future, destroying your child's future, destroying you and creating an

inheiritance of mistrust, failure and destruction. It appreciates being

nursed and will gladly feed on the sympathetic comments of others. Peace

need not be sought for its own sake; it will come naturally as you both WORK

to and earnestly obey your God.

Being honest takes work too. It's not necessarily an issue of mistrust,

it's more often an issue of fear -- self cowardice. And it takes WORK and

GROWTH and INTENT to become honest, especially when the risk is great.

Recognize your enemy -- it is not your husband. Who is the father of fear?

Who is the father of lies? Who is the father of confusion?

You are physically better, are you spiritually better?

Geoff

[Guest guest]

Mel,

I most certainly agree with all that Geoff said, but if you do not want to

look at it from a spiritual standpoint, think about it as what's best for your

child. Once two adults decide to have children, then the child comes first and

their own wants and desires must come second. After studying the generation

of the 70s that has now come of age, and the many divorces suffered during

that time, they now realize that divorce is NOT good for the children even if

the

parents are unhappy in the marriage. Too bad. The kids have to come first.

Whether mom and dad are in the heavenly bliss of marriage or not doesn't make

any difference to them, they don't know or understand. They are but

children. They need the security of Mommy and Daddy.

So if you have big dreams of something, time to put them on the back burner

for 20 years or so. You have a big responsibility just raising a happy and

secure child. Divorce is not an option. It's made too easy in this country and

we are not reaping any rewards from it nowadays. Even so called dysfunctional

families are still families.

Just my 2 cents worth.

Jill