Guest guest Posted June 18, 2004 Report Share Posted June 18, 2004 lois all your letters just seem to set me off. havent cryed today but got your message and the flood gates opened again..hoped to at least see a friend this weekend buy no the eyes are back to square one.... big and blood shot...puffy and I look like a panda ... a panda gone wrong... he ha .. no its not funny.... My gosh you have been to hell and back... I know who you are... and I know you.... we are family... my step father was also very violent and abused me sexually... hey its a story many people know about but its so nice when some people are free from that torment...having read your email just brought so much back to me things Ive blocked out for yrs and yrs....being raped and being beaten with a hammer... or a broom.. but hey its the past.... it just makes us who we are.... we are all strong women. I know about the smell thing.... cant stand smelling beer on a mans breath... just brings it all back... its a strange thing the brain it stores so many memorys and just certain things triger it off...cant be with a man who has a violent temper I almost want to wet myself in fear.... ha ha me the strong person has a flaw... its so funny we all have something.... we are all so much just wanting love and compassion and to be excepted for who or what we are...and for what we have gone through and for what we want for our future... my step dad we called hitler he was austrian... ( no anamosity to anyone who are austrian.) (dont know whats wrong I just keep anoying people) .. he was so violent ... some days if you didnt get up quick enough or jump to attention he would give you a back hander with a broom or a hammer or his head or he would lock you in under the house for days ( when mum wasnt home) he would burn you with a hot tong or a cig or a knife... have many scares over my body... but his worst was when mum wasnt at work late at nite he would creap in to my room.... never my sisters but mine...dont need to go further cause kids do read this stuff didnt know what kissing was about I was so nieve.... hey, he is a sick person.... and I can only say that I know now Im not over all of that... thank you I know its not just the pain, the past its all of this...so is this what one would call mid life crisis..he he Am so overwhelmed by your compassion and your kindness to me... (im not saying that people in the group havent done that) but feel a connection here with u... you daughter is so beautiful.... her smile just made my face smerk.... what a spunk... can imagine when she is well she would run rings around you.... you are a very lucky lady ... I think you know that though... my personal email is sabcha@... look forward to our emails thank you so much... you are an amazing person....give my love to your beautiful daughter and will put her in my prays.... as I will you... love and hugs always sabiLois Coulter wrote: Dearest sabi, my friend i never ment to make you cry more but when did you last let go?Have u been so brave since the injury that you never let go?Yes i am worried about you but are so pleased you feel to hold on because of your son. There have been extremley dark days in my life. 5 times in my life i have resorted to suicide. I was 9 when i first tried.My father was abusive in all sence of the word. I watched him beat my mum run her over twice in a car (she is still alive). Then when mum would l;eave dad turned on me.Both in a verbal and sexual way.There is 5 years of my life that were a lioving hell and my mum was to scared to do anything to help. My brothers who were married thought i was a naughty kid who was spoilt by my parents.I never came forward till my baby girl charlotte died(stillborn).The loss of my baby brought bypolar on and through coucelling i let go.I think i cried for 3 years after that. The flash backs were unbearable.During the abusive years i took a point 22 hunting gun and shot my fathers knee didnt do much damage damm it.Then he pour boiling water on my mum,so i boiled the jug while he was alseep and burnt a area that was important to any male.I actually felt guilty for this. To this day there are still smells and sounds that act like triggers.But i have learnt coping skills.But the tears still pop up at times. My husband is so supportive i wouldnt be here if it wasnt for him. So i do understand the crying it feels like your never going to stop. Can you send me your private email i have a thought to share fior you only. Sabi sweety i wish there wernt miles seperating us.Hugs via email are not quite there.But hope you dont mind are praying for you to cope on a daily basis. Dont be afraid to ask for help Sabi it dosnet make you weak.Yes anitdepressants made me cry more but they stopped me ending things. Your tunnel in life must feel long with no light at the end.I,m standing at the other end with all your internet friends holding a lantern and a a box of tissues. your friend no matter what lois and vickisabiha kasar wrote: Lois your letter just made me cry even more...I read it this am and now 5.25pm am writing to say thank you. Vicki is so lucky to have you, your words of wisdom and your total unconditional love I know would also give her strength to go on..Yes not having any support is hard to say the least. Sometimes I feel it would be better to bump myself off but could never do that to my son...although he lives only 20 mins away I only see him once every two weeks, he is busy with his life his job and his girlfriend. My sister only lives 15mins away but she will not come and see me she only asks for me to look after my neice or to look after there dog... she has only in the last yr and a half come to see me only 6 times... she is busy with here life. My friends are all married with kids... because I had my son so early ( I was 18) most of my friends are my age or younger and have 5 to 10 yr olds... so they are busy... and the others who were single got sick of asking me to go out and me always saying Im in to much pain. One friend told me her shoulders were not big enough to cope with my injury or what ever one would like to call it... I have lost my job, I have lost so much and just feel so empty and just dont know how Im going to keep going or what the future will hold... as I write this the tears just wont stop...my face is so swollen and my eyes are so bloated from the tears that wont stop...have never heard of the steps of grief for pain... knew about it for death... just never thought of it for me.... was a solo parent ,,, but had 2 relationships while I brought my son up... Gave all to my son... he was my life ... then I transfered that love to my job and now have nothing and dont know who I am anymore. I dont get along with my mother never have but should be grateful she is alowing me to live in one of her houses for a cheap price.... Its a nice home but would give it all up to have me back again.. Have never been so unhappy in my life... was always the one helping others and happy and now all I do is cry and cry.. I was so hopefull. that what ever this was they would fix it... having worked in medical for yrs and knowing many people I always thought they would fix it and I would be so grateful and get on with life... I was going to travel this yr.... but didnt expect this... the ongoing torment and the emotions that I never felt before...total dispare. Just wanted to say thank you for your kind letter. You are a very special person... Im envious of your daughter to have such a caring mother that she gets on with... With left arm stretched all the way to you for a one handed hug.... Thanks. But Im still crying... and yes have tried anti depressants they like all the other drugs just dont work on me... so what is this karma...... sabi Lois Coulter wrote: Hi sabi My new friend how down you sound.My heart goes out to you.This hurt both mental and emotional will level out.Its perfectly normal your feeling this way. You must have heard of the 3-5 steps of greif. It dosnet just apply to the loss of a loved one. I learnt from a old GP that to loose a body function no mater how small is the eqivalent to the loss of a loved one.You have to go through the greifing process. Denile: this cant be happening! Anger: how dare this happen to me Tearful:I cant cope i feel so alone and my life is empty(your not weak) This is not to depress you but let you know its ok to be feeling as you are for some people its years to come to a platue where you survive each day and start to find small goals and accept this is your lot in life and i can control this on the days i can, but here will be days i dont. Any RSD Crps sufferer will tell you it sucks and yes its a living hell alot of days, but hold onto the little rays of sunshine. This is how Vicki copes and beleive it seems to work.She will have 1 good day in 7 other days three or four good ones. Then the emotional spiral that only seems to know the down button. Those days are dark and lonesome.But like you there is inner strength, she will pull herself out of it. I do not claim to know the pain you or vicki suffer but it kills me to stand by and watch a bright and intelligent child suffer.Why cant i take her pain away??I wake up each day thinking I must be strong for her as she is strong at least we have each other to pick her up when she falls.It must be so much harder for you not having a support person. Re your car how frustrating it must be for you.In newZealand there is ACC which will pay for conversion of your car to a auto because of your disability do not aussie have some kind of support for this ?? Have you asked around? HAng in there please we are thinking of you on a daily basis. lois and vicki your kiwi buddies Tonia wrote: Sabi, This is actually the first Email I have received from you in the past 3 days.....I think Yahoo is really screwing up again on me and not sending me everything. Feel free to ask me anything, I'll gladly answer you the best that I can. I haven't had the Medicine experiences like a lot of the other members have had......but, I've dealt with this monster for almost 4 years now and have done a lot of research also. As for being lonely.......I know that feeling way too well. Even though my husband tries to understand as best as he can, It still flies over his head when I try to describe what my pain is like. So, technically, even with being married, it's still lonely unless your spouse/signifigant other has it also. If you would like, you can email me Privately.... my email addy until Saturday is iowa97@... After Saturday/when I let everyone know..... it will be iowa97@... Tonia -------Original Message------- Im sorry if my words hurt you... hope your hurt wasnt as much as my pain and yours.... havent at any stage had a dig at your group.... but stated how hard it was to get into the group...... and dont worry ive been slapted for my comments.... you guys in the us have an association... Im 10 hrs ahead.. so I email at nite and in the morning get 90 responses.... but have to go thru all of them to find one or two for me .... am it minded.... but dont understand this chat and email... yahoo.. have email people and not got a response so have felt defeated... and even more lonley than I do now.... Am not putting this on you or your group......just needed to vent my lonleyness and my hurt and my anger.... it was never projected on any individual... or if it was in text it wasnt ment to be.. its 11pm wed nite and havent slept for 50 hrs so need to I try sabi ____________________________________________________ IncrediMail - Email has finally evolved - Click Here Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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