Old year/New year

[Guest guest]

Folks, I hope all of you have had some good holidays and look foreword to

the new year. I have been reviewing what has happened this last year and

decided to write it down. But first I would like to thank the lists for

every thing this past year, especially while I was in the hospital for a

month. Your cards and gifts meant the world to me. I never realized how

much that could mean to someone until I was the one laying there wondering

if you are going to make it. The longer I was there the more they meant

(all of them), we put them all over the place and I have to admit, I would

tear up sometimes thinking what great people. Getting back home, somedays

all I could do was read a little mail and I so missed the interaction. I am

the poster person for why there are support lists, thank you so much.

Now for my dribble:

This is not a blow for blow but a snapshot of how I got here on Dec.31. The

year started not too bad, the xmass had been good, especially to our " shock

and awe " year of 02, diagnosed on Dec.24th, we had cried through that one.

This year was different, while we thought the disease was going fast we were

getting into what we had to do, even getting me a walker for xmass (of

course I REALLY didn't need it yet except for long shopping trips, the cane

or walls were fine yet, we can fool ourselves so well... ;-), we were even

realizing that probably, in a couple of years I would need a w/c but we

would take it as it came. we were toughened now! Then Jan. 18 I woke with

my legs racked in spasm, like Charlie horses in every muscle of my legs. It

just got worse, tried all types of meds and finally put on morphine. In

April it was decided I was the perfect candidate for the pump, well we know

about my 30 days, getting ODed. I had built up to using a walker, ODed,

started all over and built up again. But throughout this I had very little

leg pain, figured it was worth it just for that. July 2nd ODed again, back

to square one again, figure okay, lets get started a 3rd time. But I got

worse, by Aug. I was as stiff and painful as before the pump. Put back on

morphine, Aug. - Mid Nov. I fall into the black depths of depression, keep

thinking, is this it for the rest of my life all this and now I'm worse then

before the pump? Pain, confined to a w/c, started really attacking my

bulbar, chocking, hardly able to talk, got a Hoyer lift to get me out of bed

and back. I was going downhill so fast we were ordering things to help me

and by the time I got them a week later, I was past using them! Around

Thanksgiving the pain lessened enough that percacet was " all " I needed and I

could start transferring from the bed to chair with help from Jen. I wrote

about Thanksgiving but have been slowly improving since.

Had my daughter's graduation party (college) and a small xmass dinner at our

house. Enjoyed them more because I learned two things from Thanksgiving. I

now know why " the old people " sit off to one side, you don't have to compete

with the other chatter when your talking. The other thing is our home is

all open, living, dining, kitchen all open. Even when everyone was in the

kitchen I never felt left out like at Thanksgiving. I could always see and

hear everything even though I was in the corner of the living room.

But, this has been the second worse Holiday we have had, even Jen says this

was the year from Hell... I had Botox two weeks ago, hardly anything,

thinking won't anything work? Another very hard thing, we found an old

film that we hadn't developed yet and got it just before xmass. It started

in Jan. with my sister visiting a week before my downturn and me standing in

the pictures like nothing wrong (could fake it for the camera yet!) Then

jumps to pictures of my first outing from the hospital to a park across the

street, 25lbs lighter, death warmed over in a w/c. At the time we didn't

know it would get worse, but what a shock to see and we lived it!

So, where does that leave me? I am very happy to say good-by to 04. I feel

like I just missed the year but it's ending better. And now this week, I

have noticed a small decrease in spastisity, and better yet, not one cramp

so far this week with a lessening of brain fog! I have hope, high hope that

05 will be better! If last xmass wasn't bad after the worst xmass ever,

well shouldn't that mean next xmass will be much better?

Hope, it's all I have and I won't let it go. Yes, I have a wonderful

family, friends but when it boils down it's hope. I know this disease will

just get worse, but I will fight it all the way with the hope that tomorrow

will be better. Hope that I can again stand, be pain free, maybe talk and

eat better (type faster again! ;-), walk???, but hope is what it is. Where

you, family, friends come in is when I am losing that hope. I believe my

wife carried me on her small shoulders and is my angel. My daughter is

there for me. Friends, I just can't say enough, express what all of you

have done for me.

Yes, life gave me this but it also gave me a very wonderful family, friends

(I count the lists in this) and it gave me hope...

Here is hoping for a much better year for everyone and if you have lost your

hope like I was, well hang in there just one more day, tomorrow could, just

might, be better. I know I sure hope it is.

Well this took me a while and has done me in, night and wishing (hoping) for

a Happy New Year to us all.

If you got this far, thanks for listening, it helped me...

dale-pls