5 Secrets of Happy People

[Guest guest]

5 Secrets of Happy People

By Norine Dworkin-Mc

I was meeting my friend at our favorite Brooklyn cafe to

discuss a project. " Six, sharp. I'll see you then, " I promised. And

by 6:15 p.m., there sat , with a cool margarita in front of her

and steam coming out of her ears. I breezed in at 6:30, full of

apologies and excuses. But it was no use: I was late -- again -- and

she was furious. She tartly informed me that if I kept her waiting

once more, I'd be kicked off the project.

Everyone's got bad habits such as lateness or procrastination. But

if you consistently act in ways that cause you to lose face, lose

friends, or fail when a goal is within reach, your harmless

personality quirks may have morphed into serious self-sabotage. " A

bad habit becomes destructive when your behavior causes more than

momentary regret and leaves you feeling disappointed in yourself, "

says ine Wallin, PhD, author of Taming Your Inner Brat.

Why do we derail our own happiness? Experts attribute it to a

variety of unconscious beliefs: nagging doubt about whether we

really deserve what we're striving for; apprehension that we won't

be able to handle increased expectations and responsibilities; even

fear that our achievement may isolate us from our peers or family

members.

To overcome self-sabotage, you must first identify its origin and

then take steps to interrupt the cycle. Here are five ways you might

be tripping yourself up, and suggestions for how to (finally) get

out of your own damn way.

Procrastination

Fatal Flaw #1: You procrastinate.

Tomorrow is soon enough. Besides, you excel under pressure.

The ugly truth: You're secretly afraid your work won't be perfect

and you'll be outed as a fraud. " Procrastinators tend to be very

concerned about what other people think of them, " says ph

Ferrari, PhD, a professor of psychology at De University in

Chicago. " If you worry that you will never perform as well as you

have in the past, fear of failure may be halting your progress. "

Putting off work provides a ready-made excuse: Instead of admitting

failure, you can always blame your busy schedule and overbooked

calendar. " That way, you can tell yourself the project would have

been successful if only you'd had more time, " Ferrari explains.

The fix: Play the worst-case-scenario game. The next time your grasp

on deadlines starts to slip -- something even the worst

procrastinator can recognize -- take a moment to look inward for the

source of your foot dragging. Ask yourself what's the absolute worst

that could happen. Then spin the consequences out to their most

ludicrous degree: Would your family and friends disown you? Would

you end up starving and homeless? Would the cat die? Once you've

realized things aren't so awful, you can get past the anxiety and

focus on the work, says Ferrari.

Shopping Addiction

Fatal Flaw #2: You shop yourself into bankruptcy.

You deserve to have nice things -- but unfortunately treating

yourself can lead to lively early-morning chats with bill collectors

and a colorful credit report.

The ugly truth: " Impulse shopping is another way to mask negative

feelings, " explains Dana Lightman, PhD, a behavioral psychologist in

Philadelphia. So, like emotional eaters who gorge on ice cream when

they're down, chronic spenders try to numb feelings of boredom,

depression, or inadequacy by filling up on stuff. With every shiny

new purchase, splurge-aholics tell themselves: Well, okay, so I

didn't solve that nagging problem today, but at least I cleaned out

the shoe department at Nordstrom. Some people find it easier to

decorate their lives in an effort to create the appearance, rather

than the substance, of success. Mind you, there's nothing wrong with

a little retail therapy, like the occasional lipstick or CD

purchase. But if you're sinking into debt, regularly paying your

bills late, and not achieving your financial goals, then it's a

problem you literally can't afford.

The fix: Know yourself as well as you know what you own. Carol

, an executive coach in Cleveland, suggests you use a trusty

dieters' trick to keep track of the things you normally do without

thinking -- like polish off a quart of ice cream. Or, in this case,

shop. Attach a small, thin notebook around your wallet with a rubber

band so that it can serve as a reminder to write down your feelings

whenever you're tempted to mindlessly reach for plastic. Pretty soon

you'll begin to recognize what sets you off before you click " Buy

Now! " -- and learn to find healthy distractions instead. " Go for a

run, talk to a friend, see a movie, do anything that will get you

out of a shopping mode, " says .

Or simply focus on all the amazing qualities you possess, rather

than on the things you own. " Consider all that you have to offer, "

suggests Lightman. " Those natural talents have nothing to do with

the kind of handbag you carry or what shoes you wear. " Maybe you

remember everyone's birthday, or you're a great cook or supportive

friend. Do something that lets those gifts shine. " By taking pride

in your best attributes, you'll feel less of a pull to spend on

things that say, 'See! I am worthwhile!' "

Diet Sabotage

Fatal Flaw #3: You binge when your goal weight is within sight.

You've earned some quality just-us-girls time with your old pals

Little Debbie, Mrs. Fields, and Sara Lee.

The ugly truth: You may not have been prepared for the male

attention your new body brings, which can make you feel vulnerable.

Or maybe your friends seem jealous of your success, and you're

uncomfortable with their scrutiny. Getting down to a healthy weight

also means maintaining it, which is a tough task unto itself. Plus,

when things don't go your way -- you get dumped or you don't get the

job you went after -- you can't use your " It's because I'm fat "

excuse. " Life often feels simpler without these issues, and it's

easier to eat a whole bag of potato chips and retreat to your

fatter, safer world, " explains Connie Tyne, executive director of

the Wellness Program in Dallas.

The fix: See yourself the way others do. It's hard to stop thinking

of yourself as overweight even after the pounds are gone. But

improving your self-image can help ease the emotional transition

into smaller sizes, says Spangle, RN, author of 100 Days of

Weight Loss. " Enroll in a public-speaking class to build self-esteem

and increase your comfort level around people. " You can also get a

boost by making a list of your greatest attributes, which is what

most people notice anyway. " Describe what you're like at your best, "

Spangle suggests. " Maybe you're energetic or you smile a lot or

regale your friends with funny stories. Thinking in terms of

confidence and strength makes you act in terms of confidence and

strength. "

Late Arrival

Fatal Flaw #4: You're habitually late.

It's never your fault -- your stockings got a run, your mom called,

the dog got sick, traffic was brutal...

The ugly truth: Being late could be your passive-aggressive way of

getting back at those who force you to adhere to their

timetable. " Blaming your tardiness on a hectic schedule is easier

than admitting you're resentful about constraints being placed on

your time, " says Spangle. Your chronic lateness may also be a sign

that you're subconsciously trying to undermine the situation, lash

out at a friend or, in the case of work, get fired. If you're late

for something that is a big taboo, like a job interview, it may show

your ambivalence about whether you really want the gig. " Rather than

risk a poor showing in the new position, you ensure that the

opportunity never arises, " says Curtis, PhD, professor of

psychology at Adelphi University.

The fix: Make up your mind. Be clear about what you want. " If it's a

career issue, ask yourself if your interest in your job is waning, "

says Cramer, PhD, author of Change the Way You See

Everything Through Asset-Based Thinking. " Being late is a way of

disconnecting. This can be a warning that it's time to take stock

and either recommit yourself or make a change. "

Bonus hint: Be proactive and adjust your actions or attitude rather

than wait to get canned. You're always better off controlling events

instead of waiting for them to control you.

Picking Fights

Fatal Flaw #5: You pick fights with your partner.

" I can't help it. He used to be great, but now he's just driving me

crazy. "

The ugly truth: Sure, he may work your last good nerve at times (and

to be fair, you're not perfect either), but it could also be that

you're testing him to find out if the relationship is really on

solid ground. Creating unnecessary drama in your relationship is

typically a holdover from childhood, explains Tobin, PhD,

clinical instructor of psychology at Harvard Medical School. While

you were growing up, a parent unknowingly may have established

conditions for love, and you've unconsciously learned that you have

to look a certain way, act in a particular manner, or achieve

certain goals before you're deemed worthy. The result: " You end up

fearing that just as you're ready to make a commitment, your partner

will see your true self and find a reason to not love you, " says

Tobin.

The fix: Don't jump to conclusions. Maybe your analysis of his

behavior is just wrong. For instance, if your boyfriend had to

cancel your big night out on the town, that doesn't necessarily mean

he wants out of the relationship. Maybe he really did have to work

late. Remember, even people who love you get caught up in their own

lives. The realization that many things have little or nothing to do

with you can mitigate the drama, says Tobin. " It's like changing the

rearview mirror in your car. If you rotate it just a little bit, you

get a whole new perspective. "