funnies

[Guest guest]

Enjoy, Cheryl in CA

Wrapping Presents with a Cat (for cat lovers)

1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.

2. Go to closet and collect bag in which present is

contained, and shut door.

3. Open door and remove cat from closet.

4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping

paper.

5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.

6. Go to drawer, and collect transparent sticky

tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc. .

7. Lay out presents and wrapping materials on table,

to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.

8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that

has been in the drawer since last visit and collect

string.!

9. Remove present from bag.

10. Remove cat from bag.

11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box,

replace present.

12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.

13. Try and smooth out paper, realize cat is

underneath and remove cat.

14. Cut the paper to size, keeping the cutting line

straight.

15. Throw away first sheet as cat chased the

scissors, and tore the paper.

16. Cut second sheet of paper to size - by putting

cat in the bag the present came in.

17. Place present on paper.

18. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present.

Wonder why edges don't reach. Realize cat is

between present and paper. Remove cat.

19. Place object on paper, to hold in place while

tearing transparent sticky tape.

20. Spend 20 minutes carefully trying to remove

transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail

scissors.

21. Seal paper with sticky tape, making corners as

neat as possible.

22. Look for roll of ribbon. Chase cat down hall in

order to retrieve ribbon.

23. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a

two-directional turn.

24. Re-roll ribbon and remove paper, which is now

torn due to cat's

enthusiastic ribbon chase.

25. Repeat steps 13-20 until you reach last sheet of

paper.

26. Decide to skip steps 13-17 in order to save time

and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper.

Retrieve old cardboard box that is the right size

for sheet of paper.

27. Put present in box, and tie down with string.

28. Remove string, open box and remove cat.

29. Put all packing materials in bag with present

and head for locked room.

30. Once inside lockable room, lock door and start

to relay out paper and materials.

31. Remove! e cat from box, unlock door, put cat

outside door, close and relock.

32. Repeat previous step as often as is necessary

(until you can hear cat from outside door)

33. Lay out last sheet of paper. (This will be

difficult in the small area of the toilet, but do

your best)

34. Discover cat has already torn paper. Unlock

door go out and hunt through various cupboards,

looking for sheet of last year's paper. Remember

that you haven't got any left because cat helped

with this last year as well.

35. Return to lockable room, lock door, and sit on

toilet and try to make torn sheet of paper look

presentable.

36. Seal box, wrap with paper and repair by very

carefully sealing with sticky tape. Tie up with

ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst areas.

37. Label. Sit back and admire your handiwork,

congratulate yourself on completing a difficult job.

38. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and

feed cat.

39. Spend 15 minutes looking for cat until coming to

obvious conclusion. 40. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.

41. Go to store and buy a gift bag

______________________________________________________________________

Subject: Biker

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to

Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just

became too much and he could go no farther.

He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours he hadn't gotten a single person

to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of

course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a

piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the

other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going too fast to

honk the horn on his bike and he would slow down.

Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette

blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off

after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes--both going

well over 120 mph--blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the

speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had 2

Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph.

He then relayed, " And you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a

10-speed bike honking to pass. "

____________________________________________________________________________

How to clean your toilet. (for dog lovers)

1. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and put both lids

up.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.

(You may need to stand on the lid. ) The cat will self agitate and make

ample suds. (Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is

actually enjoying this.)

4. Flush the toilet three or four times. (This provides a " power-wash "

and " rinse " .)

5. Have someone open the door to the outside. (Be sure that there are no

people between the toilet and the outside door.)

6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

7. The now clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he

will dry himself off. The toilet will be sparkling clean!

Sincerely,

The Dog