Anyone, words of wisdom? Saw pix of myself, horrified

December 26, 2009

Hey, everybody! My MIL gave us photo albums for Christmas. This was the best

possible gift because there are pictures of my boys in there, and pics of the

extended family, BUT...

When I saw myself, I was in shock. I actually still am. I'm not heavier than

I've been during the past 5-ish years; actually, I go up a little, down a little

but am always right around the weight I am now. So it's not like it's something

new. But somehow, by staying out of pictures, or by standing behind someone,

I've managed to hide the truth from myself, I think.

I couldn't believe it when I saw these pictures. I'm not a little overweight.

I'm fat, plain and simple. I'm " a fat person " . When people see me on the street,

that's what they see.

I was doing SO well with Christmas--just an average-size dinner but everything

that I wanted--but seeing those pics pushed me RIGHT into " last supper " thinking

( " I'd better eat now b/c I'm going to have to do something drastic about my

weight tomorrow! " ) and weirdly, even telling myself over & over again that I'm

NOT going to diet " tomorrow, " I was overwhelmed by fear and so I weighed myself

and I am up 2 lbs. from last week. I am suspecting the turkey stuffing.

Well, what did I do but ate another plate of turkey and stuffing last night when

I really didn't need it. Then today, for lunch I had really really big portions

of turkey, stuffing and mashed potatoes. I did NOT need them. I could have done

with one portion. It was a LOT of food. I feel sort of in a crisis.

The only plus is that this didn't plunge me into full-fledged binging--that

entails, usually, literally a full night of stuffing in food, waiting for there

to be a pocket in my stomach somewhere so I can eat and not be sick and stuffing

more in...at a very fast pace, one food after the next, I'd estimate about 5000

calories or so of food (maybe more). I haven't done that this time but I have

surely eaten enough to at least keep me up at this higher weight...and looking

horrible.

How can I get past this? I can't stop seeing those pictures in my mind's eye. I

put away the photo album but I can still visualize them and I can imagine what

my husband is thinking every time he looks at me. No wonder I turn him off. I

feel awful about this.

Recommended Posts