Re: Re: Anyone, words of wisdom? Saw pix of myself, horrified

[Guest guest]

Hi Mel,

I don't mean to knock Hollywood, Beverly Hills, etc. but you're living in the worst area re. superficial looks carrying way too much weight; it's a toxic environment where people are way too focused on diets, getting dangerously thin, and just superficial looks as all that matters. That's only my opinion, and I know that sounds like a strong opinion. I bet you can't walk out the door without messages about how we aught to look bombarding you. It's just a really tough area of the country to live in.

But have you talked with your husband about this? Because he grew up in CA but he still chose you, so maybe you're worried about stacking up because you're comparing to this superficial societal standard and maybe he's not thinking that way at all. It would be nice to find out that he isn't thinking that way and he's not comparing you, and after all he did choose you so there's a good chance he sees something in you that he didn't see in the skinny, anorexic or bulimic women with fake boobs. Maybe he doesn't care about "perfect" looks because he knows that is very superficial? Maybe he thinks you are more beautiful than them even though you don't see it that way.

Bottom line is I have no clue what your husband thinks, but you're up against a ridiculous standard of beauty that no one should need to attain, and no one aught to feel inadequate for not looking like that. Our society is wrong to promote that as the norm and as what we should be.

I listened to a podcast by Elyse Resche, one of the authors of IE, and she said that if we think the actresses in Hollywood are happy with all their money and success, we are sadly mistaken. They can't be happy because they are forced to live up to an extreme and unrealistic standard of beauty (I am paraphrasing).

I hate to bring up Brittany because it's so sad and heartbreaking, but she was only 32 and supposedly died of natural causes, a heart attack, but there had been plenty of rumors, for some time before she died, of her struggling with an eating disorder. If you look at some of her pictures where she's got a sleeveless shirt on and showing more skin, it's sad; she really does look anorexic in those pictures.

I'm not saying she had an eating disorder, but just that the rumors of it were out there.

So living up to our society ideal can kill. It's not just a nuisance, but it's dangerous to body and mind.

Laurie

To: IntuitiveEating_Support Sent: Sun, December 27, 2009 4:06:14 AMSubject: Re: Anyone, words of wisdom? Saw pix of myself, horrified

Thanks, everybody... a couple people now have asked what else was going on...You know, what was going on was a couple of family get-togethers where all my husband's beautiful, incredibly thin, extraordinarily tall, very perfect cousins were.I really, really, really thought I wasn't letting it bother me.But every time I see what he grew up with, I am painfully aware that I can never stack up.I have never felt this way about another man. I always thought I was the "best" in at least some way. I never feel like I'm the "best" anything as concerns my husband. He grew up in very-perfect southern California with skinny bullemic girls everywhere with nose and boob jobs. With all my former boyfriends and my previous husband, I felt extra-special. There is not one thing about me that is better than or even stacks up to 99% of the women my husband has known or currently knows (he works in Beverly Hills).I feel plain and

dumpy and I wish I had never moved here. I HATE IT HERE. I wish I had stayed in New Jersey. I miss home!!!Whew! I didn't even know I was thinking all of that stuff. Yikes.Hugs all around,Mel

[Guest guest]

Hi Katcha,

yes, that's so true; they don't want to have people know that she probably had an eating disorder. or overdosed. But, you know, I think it's tragic that she died at 32, but the family could really be helping others in danger if they would tell the true story about what happened to cause her death. Why is it more important to "save face" than to tell the truth and help someone else who might be going down the same path? After all, she has passed away and the truth can not hurt her anymore.

Laurie

To: IntuitiveEating_Support Sent: Sun, December 27, 2009 11:26:57 AMSubject: Re: Anyone, words of wisdom? Saw pix of myself, horrified

Heart attack may be the 'actual' death cause but what it is is the failure of that vital muscle after being ravaged by other things - dieting, drugs etc. Most famous people have 'heart attack' listed because it sounds more 'normal' than self induced physical abuse.KatchaIEing since March 2007> she was only 32 and supposedly died of natural causes, a heart attack,

[Guest guest]

I don't know anything about Brittany , but normal, healthy, far from pre-menopausal women don't have heart attacks. i'd bet " dollars to donuts " as my mom would say (i have no idea what the expression means, but i think it's hiliarious, especially for our group) that she was anorexic and/or bulemic. that is a common reason for a heart attack in a young woman.

a thing i read in a book that helped me is: many, if not most, of us date men who are far from perfect [looking, or otherwise]. and even if your husband is FABULOUS looking, did you marry him for his six pack abs? 

looks are fun for the first few dates but they are not what carries a relationship over the years.i am sure your husband married you for who you are. and who's to say that he's [physically] attracted to skinny girls anyway?

 

, could it be that the reason your husband married YOU was because you're perfect!

 

All the best,

Jeanne

[Guest guest]

,I'm so sorry that's the case... but I do believe that whether he really does or does not love you is NOT about your weight. maybe he has his own issues that your weight triggers, but that is about him. 

i'm sorry that you dont have a secure and loving home for yourself.  you deserve to be loved unconditionally. as do we all.abby

 

Hi, dear! A couple of people said this and I figured I'd answer the first one--that was you! (Lucky thing you...) The thing is, I was much, much, much thinner when I met my husband. My " fatness " only really started after the birth of our first son together (my second son). Until then I was always able to " diet " and " control " my weight. I don't want to sound like a whiner but my DH is definitely not the type to say " I love you and think you're beautiful no matter what! " unless he's saying it as sort of a sarcastic joke.

Before me he dated someone he considered unattractive--he always says he has no idea why and he picks a lot on how she used to look.

But his very first girlfriend was a model, five-foot-eleven and 125 pounds. This is the stuff that always runs through my head. At the time of marrying him, I did not think he was shallow/superficial--too much about him seemed " for real " --but now I wonder.

He is definitely displeased with how fat I am. He definitely doesn't gravitate toward me with love in his eyes, if you know what I mean; he may sometimes be affectionate but it is definitely not in his eyes. It's more like it's a chore.

This all sounds really bad and I'm sure the answer is " leave him " but I've tried and he threatened to keep the kids...he's the one with the money for lawyers, so I don't doubt him. And then at times we do seem like good friends...but I never, ever feel like he really loves me.

I did when we first met and I looked great...at the time I thought he really did love me and it was for who I was deep down, but now I don't think so any more.

So that's a lot of stuff and it won't all be solved by an internet forum...but...just wanted to explain. I think when the kids are grown, my husband and I probably won't be together any more.

[Guest guest]

I hate to say this about your husband, but I can't resist, so I apologize ahead of time, but I have to say it!!!!!!! He sounds way too superficial; the things that seem to matter to him are just not the things of substance in life!!!!! He doesn't sound like a caring, loving, accepting empathic sort of person. OK, I really do apologize, but I've had a 6oz glass of red wine, and my inhibitions are down, and I have to say he sounds like a jerk!!

I'm really sorry that you don't have someone with more depth as a husband; someone who can appreciate that your body got a little larger because you gave birth to a miracle baby for both of you.

I am not telling you what to do, but if it were me I wouldn't go to the effort to change my body for him! I'd just stick to my IE for my own health and well-being.

Laurie

To: IntuitiveEating_Support Sent: Sun, December 27, 2009 3:46:47 PMSubject: Re: Anyone, words of wisdom? Saw pix of myself, horrified

Hi, dear! A couple of people said this and I figured I'd answer the first one--that was you! (Lucky thing you...) The thing is, I was much, much, much thinner when I met my husband. My "fatness" only really started after the birth of our first son together (my second son). Until then I was always able to "diet" and "control" my weight. I don't want to sound like a whiner but my DH is definitely not the type to say "I love you and think you're beautiful no matter what!" unless he's saying it as sort of a sarcastic joke.Before me he dated someone he considered unattractive- -he always says he has no idea why and he picks a lot on how she used to look.But his very first girlfriend was a model, five-foot-eleven and 125 pounds.

[Guest guest]

sue wrote:

> I suspect you saw yourself in

> the mirror during the past 5ish years and accepted yourself.

It's not a surprise anyway. Photos ARE different.

Regards

s.