Feelings, Family, etc--LONG! Sorry!

[Guest guest]

I am having trouble dealing with some mental stuff and usually when that happens I blog about it. I blogged a bit but find that there are things I can't process because family and friends read my blog, lol. So I thought I would vent a bit here, where people might actually understand me!

It seems like everyone I know is on a diet right now. AND, my mother is going to schedule weight loss surgery. I have tried sharing info with her but she believes it's the magic pill. She isn't even that heavy, but has recently been diagnosed with diabetes and thinks this will make her well somehow. She has starved herself off and on for years and I can't see this being any healthier. It breaks my heart to see her do this to herself.

But also, with nearly every other family member in the honeymoon period of their diets right now, I feel like I am being barraged on all sides. I can't say what I want to say-it would be mean, or at the very least, quite rude. And I can't call out what I feel are my successes, because not only will they not understand, but it isn't the same. I haven't 'been good'--I've been loving life and intuitive eating and letting things happen and it is rarely work and it never takes willpower and somehow I guess that makes me feel like I don't deserve accolades or something? Maybe I just don't want to be part of the culture that puts others' opinions on the pedestal?

I have been on the intuitive eating path for three years now. I do NOT want to go back. It isn't worth it! Also, from that starting point I have moved into a place of body- and self-acceptance. If I never lost another pound, I would be a happy camper. I truly believe I am built large, as well, with wide bones, and I am very sturdy and I love being sturdy! In the last year or so, I have even begun to feel sexy.

I weigh myself on the first of each month...if I remember and care to bother. For the last several months, every time I weigh myself, I am down a few pounds. Nothing major-2, 3, sometimes 5. I think this month it was 3.5. I have no idea why. I have been walking, but not for weight loss, just because I have a muscle problem in my legs that makes walking painful but, ironically, walking is the way you overcome that. I don't walk long, hard, or to any target heart rate. I just feel better if I walk, and have finally learned to separate that from the weight-loss-driven-exercise of years past. Still, even if I haven't walked much in a month, I tend to lose a couple pounds. I also eat a lot. I have been ravenously hungry (and am beginning to see a monthly pattern to that hunger)--some days so hungry that my teenage son looks at me and says, 'Welcome to my world!' LOL.

So the unintentional weight loss bothers me in a couple of ways. First, I don't feel like it's a success because I am not dieting. Secondly, it is very, very slow...slow is ok with me, as I said, I would be ok at this weight forever. I almost feel like a traitor to the FA movement to be losing weight, oddly. Additionally, since I am not making it go away, for all I know, it might come back! I don't want to say, 'well, look at me! Down 20 lbs and it's all due to intuitive eating!' and then intuitively eat my way back up (which, if my poor, dieted-to-the-point-of-low-metabolism body wants to do, I totally understand).

Anyway, that's rather rambling, but I do appreciate a forum to express it. And I am seriously considering weighing on Jan 1st and then not until Jan 1st of 2011. I actually found it easier to deal with the scale number when it went up or stayed the same than when it goes down.

~

www.jenny-fair.blogspot.com

[Guest guest]

have you read When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies? I remember reading

there about how actual weight loss can be frightening and something we end up

fighting, even on a subconscious level. I am flat out amazed that your dieting

family hasn't started turning to you seeing how you are slowly but surely

decreasing! But in a way it doesn't surprise me either - they seem to be more

focused on participating in the 'diet' rage. Is your not being 'part' of what

they are doing what bothers you?

I can very much understand how posting here is perhaps the only place where what

you say and do is not looked at as 'crazy' ;-) Good job for you to post and let

the it 'go' too

Katcha

IEing since March 2007

>

> I am having trouble dealing with some mental stuff and usually when that

happens I blog about it. I blogged a bit but find that there are things I can't

process because family and friends read my blog, lol. So I thought I would vent

a bit here, where people might actually understand me!

>

> It seems like everyone I know is on a diet right now. AND, my mother is going

to schedule weight loss surgery. I have tried sharing info with her but she

believes it's the magic pill. She isn't even that heavy, but has recently been

diagnosed with diabetes and thinks this will make her well somehow. She has

starved herself off and on for years and I can't see this being any healthier.

It breaks my heart to see her do this to herself.

>

> But also, with nearly every other family member in the honeymoon period of

their diets right now, I feel like I am being barraged on all sides. I can't

say what I want to say-it would be mean, or at the very least, quite rude. And

I can't call out what I feel are my successes, because not only will they not

understand, but it isn't the same. I haven't 'been good'--I've been loving life

and intuitive eating and letting things happen and it is rarely work and it

never takes willpower and somehow I guess that makes me feel like I don't

deserve accolades or something? Maybe I just don't want to be part of the

culture that puts others' opinions on the pedestal?

>

> I have been on the intuitive eating path for three years now. I do NOT want

to go back. It isn't worth it! Also, from that starting point I have moved

into a place of body- and self-acceptance. If I never lost another pound, I

would be a happy camper. I truly believe I am built large, as well, with wide

bones, and I am very sturdy and I love being sturdy! In the last year or so, I

have even begun to feel sexy.

>

> I weigh myself on the first of each month...if I remember and care to bother.

For the last several months, every time I weigh myself, I am down a few pounds.

Nothing major-2, 3, sometimes 5. I think this month it was 3.5. I have no idea

why. I have been walking, but not for weight loss, just because I have a muscle

problem in my legs that makes walking painful but, ironically, walking is the

way you overcome that. I don't walk long, hard, or to any target heart rate. I

just feel better if I walk, and have finally learned to separate that from the

weight-loss-driven-exercise of years past. Still, even if I haven't walked much

in a month, I tend to lose a couple pounds. I also eat a lot. I have been

ravenously hungry (and am beginning to see a monthly pattern to that

hunger)--some days so hungry that my teenage son looks at me and says, 'Welcome

to my world!' LOL.

>

> So the unintentional weight loss bothers me in a couple of ways. First, I

don't feel like it's a success because I am not dieting. Secondly, it is very,

very slow...slow is ok with me, as I said, I would be ok at this weight forever.

I almost feel like a traitor to the FA movement to be losing weight, oddly.

Additionally, since I am not making it go away, for all I know, it might come

back! I don't want to say, 'well, look at me! Down 20 lbs and it's all due to

intuitive eating!' and then intuitively eat my way back up (which, if my poor,

dieted-to-the-point-of-low-metabolism body wants to do, I totally understand).

>

> Anyway, that's rather rambling, but I do appreciate a forum to express it.

And I am seriously considering weighing on Jan 1st and then not until Jan 1st of

2011. I actually found it easier to deal with the scale number when it went up

or stayed the same than when it goes down.

>

> ~

> www.jenny-fair.blogspot.com

>

[Guest guest]

Katcha,

Thanks so much for your encouragement! I believe I have read WWSHTB, but it may

have been a while. I suppose losing weight CAN be scary, even though I haven't

lost much. Most of the time, though, I find it's a bit of a trigger. I get

the, 'well, gee, if I can lose 3 lbs each month by doing nothing then what if I

*insert old dieting behavior here*' thoughts. Also, I don't want to give up my

whole wardrobe, now that I finally learned to love and dress my body, lol, but

I haven't lost THAT much weight, almost all my clothes still fit fine. And I am

sure that I haven't lost enough for anyone to notice, either, so they wouldn't

have any reason to ask me.

It might have to do with feeling left out, though-you could be right about that.

Also with, yet again, feeling like the loner. I have been accused of doing

things 'just to be different' and am a bit of a revolutionary in my family

(homebirthing, homeschooling, etc.). This is just another way that I am not

normal, whatever normal is.

Additionally, this morning I found out that my mother has coerced my grandmother

into paying for half her WLS, and Grandma is all confused as to why I am against

it, and I am just plain mad that I can't make everyone see the light! I struggle

with that, lol.

I did just finish reading Health At Every Size and found that helpful, btw.

~

www.jenny-fair.blogspot.com

[Guest guest]

Hi ,I can really empathisize with your feelings with being afraid of losing weight. I have been struggling with that as well. One, because I dont want to feel like there is something wrong with my body the way it is now, and being happy about losing weight makes me feel that way. Even though there's other aspects to weight loss that I like, like my clothes fitting better. But in learning to embrace IE i find that thinking about weight loss sort of upsets me, at times anyway. it's a suprising finding for me.

also, i feel like dieting is such a huge part of our culture. refusing to do it is definitely a revolutionary act! in a great way, i think, but it can make me feel a little out of the loop to not participate in those conversations sometimes. 

mostly i just want to say that i really appreciated your post. and i love hearing how comfortable you are in your body, and how you feel sexy. that's awesome!abby

 

Katcha,

Thanks so much for your encouragement! I believe I have read WWSHTB, but it may have been a while. I suppose losing weight CAN be scary, even though I haven't lost much. Most of the time, though, I find it's a bit of a trigger. I get the, 'well, gee, if I can lose 3 lbs each month by doing nothing then what if I *insert old dieting behavior here*' thoughts. Also, I don't want to give up my whole wardrobe, now that I finally learned to love and dress my body, lol, but I haven't lost THAT much weight, almost all my clothes still fit fine. And I am sure that I haven't lost enough for anyone to notice, either, so they wouldn't have any reason to ask me.

It might have to do with feeling left out, though-you could be right about that. Also with, yet again, feeling like the loner. I have been accused of doing things 'just to be different' and am a bit of a revolutionary in my family (homebirthing, homeschooling, etc.). This is just another way that I am not normal, whatever normal is.

Additionally, this morning I found out that my mother has coerced my grandmother into paying for half her WLS, and Grandma is all confused as to why I am against it, and I am just plain mad that I can't make everyone see the light! I struggle with that, lol.

I did just finish reading Health At Every Size and found that helpful, btw.

~

www.jenny-fair.blogspot.com

-

[Guest guest]

, after turning thirty, I have become the odd man out on everything,

too. I planned a home birth (but risked out at the last moment due to crazy

blood sugar), I attachment parent, I nursed my children until they were over 2,

I unschool, and I IE. When everyone else is talking diets and hating their

weight, I ask questions, and gently insert a compliment about their current body

or something like that.

I can't say I really wanted to be different than anyone else. In fact, at first

I felt really uncomfortable. But I had gained just enough confidence to do what

I felt was best regardless of what others were doing. Now at 36, I find that

the more I focus on accepting and loving myself, strengths and weaknesses, I'm

actually enjoying being the weird one. People give me the odd looks over how I

do, and I just feel warm with pride for myself now. I'm not on everyone else's

hamster wheel. I chart my own course, and I'm really enjoying it all!!!

My life has become more about trust. Trusting mine and my children's natural

instincts.

Nice to meet another person who has chosen " the road less traveled. "

Sara

[Guest guest]

Abby,

My gosh, you hit it exactly! I feel like a traitor to myself, that there was

something wrong with my body 20 lbs ago, or now, if it insists on losing weight.

That can't be, though, can it? Isn't it that something is RIGHT with my body

and so it is adjusting itself, fine-tuning itself? That's just part of it being

the wonderful machine that it is (at whatever weight it decides it belongs at).

Also, yes, at times I do enjoy being a revolutionary. At times, though...it

wears me out!

:-)

www.jenny-fair.blogspot.com

[Guest guest]

Sara,

" Not on every one else's hamster wheel " Oh my gosh, that is so great. I feel

like I should embroider it.

Oh, and nice to 'meet' someone of similar choices :-)

~

www.jenny-fair.blogspot.com

[Guest guest]

I can kind of relate to what you guys are talking about, but in the opposite.

For me, I find that I have to guard against celebrating any weight loss.

Feeling good about weight loss ruins my progress in feeling that my body is

perfectly right whatever size it decides to be. If I celebrate being thinner,

then I'm agreeing with society that something was wrong with my body before,

that my body was too fat. If I do that, then I get sucked right back into a

dieter's mentality. Sometimes I think it's sad that I can't celebrate my IE

progress, but then I realize my IE progress isn't in weight loss. It's in peace

with food, and love in my body at all sizes.

Sara

[Guest guest]

Sara,

" Sometimes I think it's sad that I can't celebrate my IE

progress, but then I realize my IE progress isn't in weight loss. It's in peace

with food, and love in my body at all sizes. "

This is very true. I think we will get to the point one day where we can do

both.