Guest guest Posted December 20, 2009 Report Share Posted December 20, 2009 I read several comments in the " I attended a seminar ... " and " comfortable in body " threads about the word 'ugly', especially when used by someone who is or considers themselves overweight. So I wanted to share my experience with the words 'fat' and 'ugly'. When I was very young I had a bloated tummy, which my mother considered 'fat', despite my thin limbs. So she took me to a doctor to get a weight loss diet. Although the doctor suggested just a few changes (like skim milk and less sweets), my mom used those suggestions as carte blanche permission to restrict many foods I previously ate. Eventually I learned to sneak eat foods when nobody was home and did gain enough weight to look 'chubby'. However when I started walking and playing more sports, I lost the excess weight but still experienced unexpected tummy bloat. Because my mom used to consider my bloated tummy 'fat', I believed I was fat even when the rest of my body was 'thin'. Also, as a young child, I believed my mom would love me if I were thin enough. After I lost 40 pounds in college and was 'thin', I realized my weight had nothing to do with my mom's abuse or unfair treatment of me. However, whenever I experienced unexpected tummy bloat, I condemned my body as 'fat and ugly'. Fat, because my mom considered my tummy 'fat', rather than bloated and 'Ugly', because I believed that one aspect of my appearance (my stomach) totally ruined the rest of my appearance. When I was 56, diagnoses of celiac disease, additional food allergies and intestinal infections FINALLY explained my unexpectedly bloated tummy. Those diagnoses helped me finally realize that I had never been 'fat and ugly', but only bloated after eating certain foods or contracting intestinal infections. Now I consider bloating a sign of illness, rather than 'ugliness'. I'm still very disappointed when tummy bloat makes wearing my usual clothes uncomfortable. So rather than a 'fat' and 'thin' wardrobe, I now have 'bloat' and 'flat' garments. Last summer when I was suffering bloat from a c-diff infection, I bought a fantastic 'bloat' dress that I only wore a few times, before antibiotics controlled c-diff symptoms. However, I know I have that very flattering dress to wear anytime I experience 'stomach bloat'. Perhaps the difference between the terms 'fat and ugly' and 'bloated and disappointed' is BLAME, JUDGMENT and/or SELF-CONDEMNATION. Rather than criticize myself when I notice tummy bloat, I consider that bloat a sign of accidental consumption of food allergens or intestinal infection. Based on the observation of bloat, I then decide how I want to resolve the cause of that bloat. I know I caused the bloat by either eating one of my allergens or contracting an intestinal bug. However, blame, judgment or self-condemnation really won't help me resolve whatever caused the bloat. I need to think clearly to understand and treat the bloat, rather than be overwhelmed with negative self-talk and blame. SUE Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 20, 2009 Report Share Posted December 20, 2009 Hi Sue, It sounds like you realized your mom's criticism came from her own problems and you have come to see that stomach bloat doe not mean fat or ugly. You've made a lot of progress in coming to a healthy view of what's going on without having to blame or judge yourself. It's sounds like you've done some great self-nurturing; making sure you have clothing that's comfortable whether or not your stomach is bloated and not blaming yourself are both things that come to mind. Laurie To: IntuitiveEating_Support Sent: Sun, December 20, 2009 3:18:20 PMSubject: "Fat and Ugly" I read several comments in the "I attended a seminar ..." and "comfortable in body" threads about the word 'ugly', especially when used by someone who is or considers themselves overweight. So I wanted to share my experience with the words 'fat' and 'ugly'. . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 20, 2009 Report Share Posted December 20, 2009 Thank you for sharing Sue. I remember when I was 5 years old and i was in the bathtub and my mom looked at me and said I looked like a pig because I had some stomach rolls...it hurt me so bad.. i felt like she would only love me when I was skinny...well i did get skinny many years later and the comment was.. " you don't even look like part of our family anymore " I am so glad to see that you are doing things to nurture yourself .. I am too. Thanks for sharing > > Hi Sue, > It sounds like you realized your mom's criticism came from her own problems and you have come to see that stomach bloat doe not mean fat or ugly. You've made a lot of progress in coming to a healthy view of what's going on without having to blame or judge yourself. > > It's sounds like you've done some great self-nurturing; making sure you have clothing that's comfortable whether or not your stomach is bloated and not blaming yourself are both things that come to mind. > > Laurie > > > > > ________________________________ > > To: IntuitiveEating_Support > Sent: Sun, December 20, 2009 3:18:20 PM > Subject: " Fat and Ugly " > > > I read several comments in the " I attended a seminar ... " and " comfortable in body " threads about the word 'ugly', especially when used by someone who is or considers themselves overweight. So I wanted to share my experience with the words 'fat' and 'ugly'. > > . > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 20, 2009 Report Share Posted December 20, 2009 I just have to say I am sooooo sorry you mother said that. I always hope that when parents say such things to their children that they simply know not what they do. You were so young! My mother said something to me, but I'm thankful she waited until I was at least a teenager....some comment about how I had the same body as my aunt who was at least 200 pounds heavier....it was so unnecessary, and untrue - I mean, truly, what is the point to say such things? I made a deal with myself that I would never say such things to my children. Even when my kids worry about their body image (which I know comes from our culture/society), I tell them they are beautiful right now and help them through whatever they are feeling. And you are beautiful right now, too! Thank you for sharing Sue. I remember when I was 5 years old and i was in the bathtub and my mom looked at me and said I looked like a pig because I had some stomach rolls...it hurt me so bad.. i felt like she would only love me when I was skinny...well i did get skinny many years later and the comment was.. " you don't even look like part of our family anymore " I am so glad to see that you are doing things to nurture yourself .. I am too. Thanks for sharing > > Hi Sue, > It sounds like you realized your mom's criticism came from her own problems and you have come to see that stomach bloat doe not mean fat or ugly. You've made a lot of progress in coming to a healthy view of what's going on without having to blame or judge yourself. > > It's sounds like you've done some great self-nurturing; making sure you have clothing that's comfortable whether or not your stomach is bloated and not blaming yourself are both things that come to mind. > > Laurie > > > > > ________________________________ > > To: IntuitiveEating_Support > Sent: Sun, December 20, 2009 3:18:20 PM > Subject: " Fat and Ugly " > > > I read several comments in the " I attended a seminar ... " and " comfortable in body " threads about the word 'ugly', especially when used by someone who is or considers themselves overweight. So I wanted to share my experience with the words 'fat' and 'ugly'. > > . > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 21, 2009 Report Share Posted December 21, 2009 Nice to see that you've come out of this with positive self talk and treatment. I can relate to the treatment you received from your mother. I too was always put down and criticized by my mother, to this day, she puts me down and criticizes me constantly and in front of others. I was never her ideal daughter because I'm such a ton boy she always compliments other girls saying she is so beautiful, skinny and looks like a princess. I fight the negative self talk all the time and some times it catches up with me. Recently I just about left a new career because all that negative self talk came back but I fought it again and so far I'm winning. I do not have kids as I was so afraid of the way I would treat them + alcoholism is in every generation of men in mine and my husband's family. Sometimes I wonder how the heck my husband puts up with me - he's so kind, forgiving and never puts me down. I have not seen my mother all year and I'm going this weekend so I was almost rushing to get to another diet place but did not thankfully carry on with that; instead I came here and read these posts. I look at my nieces and nephews and I don't see what my mom sees thankfully. Oh, I'm sorry I'm carrying on now. Just wanted to say kudos to you for winning the battle with the negative self talk. Thanks, Jo. > > I read several comments in the " I attended a seminar ... " and " comfortable in body " threads about the word 'ugly', especially when used by someone who is or considers themselves overweight. So I wanted to share my experience with the words 'fat' and 'ugly'. > > When I was very young I had a bloated tummy, which my mother considered 'fat', despite my thin limbs. So she took me to a doctor to get a weight loss diet. Although the doctor suggested just a few changes (like skim milk and less sweets), my mom used those suggestions as carte blanche permission to restrict many foods I previously ate. Eventually I learned to sneak eat foods when nobody was home and did gain enough weight to look 'chubby'. > > However when I started walking and playing more sports, I lost the excess weight but still experienced unexpected tummy bloat. Because my mom used to consider my bloated tummy 'fat', I believed I was fat even when the rest of my body was 'thin'. Also, as a young child, I believed my mom would love me if I were thin enough. After I lost 40 pounds in college and was 'thin', I realized my weight had nothing to do with my mom's abuse or unfair treatment of me. However, whenever I experienced unexpected tummy bloat, I condemned my body as 'fat and ugly'. Fat, because my mom considered my tummy 'fat', rather than bloated and 'Ugly', because I believed that one aspect of my appearance (my stomach) totally ruined the rest of my appearance. > > When I was 56, diagnoses of celiac disease, additional food allergies and intestinal infections FINALLY explained my unexpectedly bloated tummy. Those diagnoses helped me finally realize that I had never been 'fat and ugly', but only bloated after eating certain foods or contracting intestinal infections. Now I consider bloating a sign of illness, rather than 'ugliness'. > > I'm still very disappointed when tummy bloat makes wearing my usual clothes uncomfortable. So rather than a 'fat' and 'thin' wardrobe, I now have 'bloat' and 'flat' garments. Last summer when I was suffering bloat from a c-diff infection, I bought a fantastic 'bloat' dress that I only wore a few times, before antibiotics controlled c-diff symptoms. However, I know I have that very flattering dress to wear anytime I experience 'stomach bloat'. > > Perhaps the difference between the terms 'fat and ugly' and 'bloated and disappointed' is BLAME, JUDGMENT and/or SELF-CONDEMNATION. Rather than criticize myself when I notice tummy bloat, I consider that bloat a sign of accidental consumption of food allergens or intestinal infection. Based on the observation of bloat, I then decide how I want to resolve the cause of that bloat. I know I caused the bloat by either eating one of my allergens or contracting an intestinal bug. However, blame, judgment or self-condemnation really won't help me resolve whatever caused the bloat. I need to think clearly to understand and treat the bloat, rather than be overwhelmed with negative self-talk and blame. > > SUE > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 21, 2009 Report Share Posted December 21, 2009 Hi Jo: I don't consider your post 'carrying on'. I spent years reading about abuse and eating problems, talking about my childhood, doing self-esteem exercises and challenging my self-talk to recover from my childhood experience. However, during that process I talked to many other women whose childhood experiences influenced their disordered eating habits. Awareness of how our past experiences influenced our current beliefs and self-talk helped us begin to challenge and replace those beliefs and self-talk which no longer worked for us with. Together we can learn from our past and celebrate our present life with more loving attitudes about our bodies and our eating habits. SUE > > > > I read several comments in the " I attended a seminar ... " and " comfortable in body " threads about the word 'ugly', especially when used by someone who is or considers themselves overweight. So I wanted to share my experience with the words 'fat' and 'ugly'. > > > > When I was very young I had a bloated tummy, which my mother considered 'fat', despite my thin limbs. So she took me to a doctor to get a weight loss diet. Although the doctor suggested just a few changes (like skim milk and less sweets), my mom used those suggestions as carte blanche permission to restrict many foods I previously ate. Eventually I learned to sneak eat foods when nobody was home and did gain enough weight to look 'chubby'. > > > > However when I started walking and playing more sports, I lost the excess weight but still experienced unexpected tummy bloat. Because my mom used to consider my bloated tummy 'fat', I believed I was fat even when the rest of my body was 'thin'. Also, as a young child, I believed my mom would love me if I were thin enough. After I lost 40 pounds in college and was 'thin', I realized my weight had nothing to do with my mom's abuse or unfair treatment of me. However, whenever I experienced unexpected tummy bloat, I condemned my body as 'fat and ugly'. Fat, because my mom considered my tummy 'fat', rather than bloated and 'Ugly', because I believed that one aspect of my appearance (my stomach) totally ruined the rest of my appearance. > > > > When I was 56, diagnoses of celiac disease, additional food allergies and intestinal infections FINALLY explained my unexpectedly bloated tummy. Those diagnoses helped me finally realize that I had never been 'fat and ugly', but only bloated after eating certain foods or contracting intestinal infections. Now I consider bloating a sign of illness, rather than 'ugliness'. > > > > I'm still very disappointed when tummy bloat makes wearing my usual clothes uncomfortable. So rather than a 'fat' and 'thin' wardrobe, I now have 'bloat' and 'flat' garments. Last summer when I was suffering bloat from a c-diff infection, I bought a fantastic 'bloat' dress that I only wore a few times, before antibiotics controlled c-diff symptoms. However, I know I have that very flattering dress to wear anytime I experience 'stomach bloat'. > > > > Perhaps the difference between the terms 'fat and ugly' and 'bloated and disappointed' is BLAME, JUDGMENT and/or SELF-CONDEMNATION. Rather than criticize myself when I notice tummy bloat, I consider that bloat a sign of accidental consumption of food allergens or intestinal infection. Based on the observation of bloat, I then decide how I want to resolve the cause of that bloat. I know I caused the bloat by either eating one of my allergens or contracting an intestinal bug. However, blame, judgment or self-condemnation really won't help me resolve whatever caused the bloat. I need to think clearly to understand and treat the bloat, rather than be overwhelmed with negative self-talk and blame. > > > > SUE > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 21, 2009 Report Share Posted December 21, 2009 I say yay for that!! I just noticed I typed ton boy instead of tom boy - Freudian slip. Thanks, Jo. > > > > > > I read several comments in the " I attended a seminar ... " and " comfortable in body " threads about the word 'ugly', especially when used by someone who is or considers themselves overweight. So I wanted to share my experience with the words 'fat' and 'ugly'. > > > > > > When I was very young I had a bloated tummy, which my mother considered 'fat', despite my thin limbs. So she took me to a doctor to get a weight loss diet. Although the doctor suggested just a few changes (like skim milk and less sweets), my mom used those suggestions as carte blanche permission to restrict many foods I previously ate. Eventually I learned to sneak eat foods when nobody was home and did gain enough weight to look 'chubby'. > > > > > > However when I started walking and playing more sports, I lost the excess weight but still experienced unexpected tummy bloat. Because my mom used to consider my bloated tummy 'fat', I believed I was fat even when the rest of my body was 'thin'. Also, as a young child, I believed my mom would love me if I were thin enough. After I lost 40 pounds in college and was 'thin', I realized my weight had nothing to do with my mom's abuse or unfair treatment of me. However, whenever I experienced unexpected tummy bloat, I condemned my body as 'fat and ugly'. Fat, because my mom considered my tummy 'fat', rather than bloated and 'Ugly', because I believed that one aspect of my appearance (my stomach) totally ruined the rest of my appearance. > > > > > > When I was 56, diagnoses of celiac disease, additional food allergies and intestinal infections FINALLY explained my unexpectedly bloated tummy. Those diagnoses helped me finally realize that I had never been 'fat and ugly', but only bloated after eating certain foods or contracting intestinal infections. Now I consider bloating a sign of illness, rather than 'ugliness'. > > > > > > I'm still very disappointed when tummy bloat makes wearing my usual clothes uncomfortable. So rather than a 'fat' and 'thin' wardrobe, I now have 'bloat' and 'flat' garments. Last summer when I was suffering bloat from a c-diff infection, I bought a fantastic 'bloat' dress that I only wore a few times, before antibiotics controlled c-diff symptoms. However, I know I have that very flattering dress to wear anytime I experience 'stomach bloat'. > > > > > > Perhaps the difference between the terms 'fat and ugly' and 'bloated and disappointed' is BLAME, JUDGMENT and/or SELF-CONDEMNATION. Rather than criticize myself when I notice tummy bloat, I consider that bloat a sign of accidental consumption of food allergens or intestinal infection. Based on the observation of bloat, I then decide how I want to resolve the cause of that bloat. I know I caused the bloat by either eating one of my allergens or contracting an intestinal bug. However, blame, judgment or self-condemnation really won't help me resolve whatever caused the bloat. I need to think clearly to understand and treat the bloat, rather than be overwhelmed with negative self-talk and blame. > > > > > > SUE > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 22, 2009 Report Share Posted December 22, 2009 I am so very sorry about how your mother treated you. I know just how you feel. If I'd been your mom, I'd have hugged and held you and told you what a beautiful person you were and are. You sound bright and sensitive and just great. You were a deserving child and now you're a deserving adult. But our parents didn't always have all the tools to raise us in a both logical and loving way. Your mom was wrong about this and now you know it. Hugs your way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 22, 2009 Report Share Posted December 22, 2009 Thanks, . However, I'm uncertain whether you addressed your comments to me or to others who posted about abusive parents and how that affected their eating habits. Nevertheless, I appreciate your kind comments. I regret describing so much of my childhood experience, because I wasn't really seeking sympathy. Instead I was trying to describe how we can learn from our experiences, especially when we don't blame ourselves, but instead logically challenge beliefs which we developed during painful experiences. What we as children decided was true may have helped us through difficult situations at that time. However thos same beliefs may hinder our attempts to function effectively as adults. I also realize that my (and perhaps other abusive parents) were the victims of abuse. So they only knew one style of parenting and one way to react to stress (abuse). Fortunately I never conceived, because of undiagnosed celiac disease. However, I've noticed and tried to change my own abusive habits in my adult intimate relationships. Just like eating habits, changing interpersonal habits requires awareness and commitment to change. SUE > > I am so very sorry about how your mother treated you. I know just how you feel. If I'd been your mom, I'd have hugged and held you and told you what a beautiful person you were and are. You sound bright and sensitive and just great. You were a deserving child and now you're a deserving adult. But our parents didn't always have all the tools to raise us in a both logical and loving way. Your mom was wrong about this and now you know it. Hugs your way. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 25, 2009 Report Share Posted December 25, 2009 Hi all, hope you all are having a wonderful Christmas Day! Apologize for being so quiet lately but we were changing our internet service and didn't get back on line until yesterday! I've missed you all! Reading these posts about comments made by mothers made me think of when I was about 13 and wanted a two-piece swimsuit like my best friend. Mom said she'd buy me one if I'd lose my belly. Don't think she really meant to hurt me in anyway. But I've always wondered if my internalization of that comment (because she was probably the biggest influence in my life) caused me to embark on the dieting madness. I recently came across a picture of my best friend and I taken about that time. Granted, I did have a belly but the rest of me (arms and legs) looked pretty normal and healthy for a 13-year-old girl. Anyway, thanks for listening! All the best, Jeanne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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