Re: Shame

[Guest guest]

Hi,

I definitely agree with reaching out and not letting shame with food keep you isolated.

I think it's a wonder that our society, via media, peers, family, etc., puts out a message of shame connected to eating. Why is eating shameful at all? It is not a sin. It is not a crime. It is a pleasure. And it is for fueling our bodies. And most of all it is no one else's business to violate our personal boundary and think they have the right to judge something as intimate as how we each care for our body and enjoyment with food.

We are each allowed to eat what we want whenever we want; it's our own decision and it's not a moral issue if we are working on having a healthier relationship with food.

I don't see anything to be ashamed of no matter where someone is on the path to a healthier relationship with food. If I ate 10 pizzas, I wouldn't judge myself, but would just notice that I felt pretty sick and would probably adjust my behavior; but it wasn't a sin or a crime or something to be ashamed of. And no one else has the right to judge me and I don't want to judge me either.

Laurie

To: IntuitiveEating_Support Sent: Tue, December 8, 2009 1:17:31 PMSubject: Shame

Today I'm thinking about shame and how it keeps me isolated. Ever since I was young, shame with food has kept me wanting to be alone. An email from a newbie today reminded me that it's really important to reach out, share, and not let the shame keep me hidden.

[Guest guest]

on another website i am on, a woman who is also a recovering alcoholic talked about when we abuse alcohol, drugs, food, sex, shopping, what have you... it's not about the substance, its about using these substances to escape from from the fear that there is something deeply, inherently wrong with us. when we are in the eating trance we dont have to think about the deep down thing that is wrong with us (the low self esteem, for whatever reason).

i dont know if this rings true for anyone else but for me this was incredibly powerful. and really rang true.so i wonder if we are secretive about eating, or feel shame, is connected to the fact that we are eating to try to forget the " real " thing that is wrong with us (and by this i do not mean our weight)? so admitting that we use this tool (eating) to escape our monster in the closet means admitting to the monster?

abby

 

Hi,

 

I definitely agree with reaching out and not letting shame with food keep you isolated.

 

I think it's a wonder that our society, via media, peers, family, etc.,  puts out a message of shame connected to eating.  Why is eating shameful at all?  It is not a sin.  It is not a crime.  It is a pleasure. And it is for fueling our bodies.  And most of all it is no one else's business to violate our personal boundary and think they have the right to judge something as intimate as how we each care for our body and enjoyment with food. 

 

We are each allowed to eat what we want whenever we want; it's our own decision and it's not a moral issue if we are working on having a healthier relationship with food.

 

I don't see anything to be ashamed of no matter where someone is on the path to a healthier relationship with food.  If I ate 10 pizzas, I wouldn't judge myself, but would just notice that I felt pretty sick and would probably adjust my behavior; but it wasn't a sin or a crime or something to be ashamed of.  And no one else has the right to judge me and I don't want to judge me either.

 

Laurie

To: IntuitiveEating_Support

Sent: Tue, December 8, 2009 1:17:31 PMSubject: Shame 

Today I'm thinking about shame and how it keeps me isolated. Ever since I was young, shame with food has kept me wanting to be alone. An email from a newbie today reminded me that it's really important to reach out, share, and not let the shame keep me hidden.

 

[Guest guest]

You think this might all be a form of self abuse maybe?

Jeanne

[Guest guest]

Abby,

This really rings true for me. My darkest fear is that deep inside there's something wrong with me -- that I'm "damaged goods." I think all my addictions are a response to this fear.

Harry

Shame

Today I'm thinking about shame and how it keeps me isolated. Ever since I was young, shame with food has kept me wanting to be alone. An email from a newbie today reminded me that it's really important to reach out, share, and not let the shame keep me hidden.

[Guest guest]

Harry, shame is something I've had to face as well. There are a lot of great

books about shame that I've read in the last few years, and I guess they've done

me a lot of good, as I just don't seem to feel that shame anymore. I think my

growing sense of spirituality has done more than anything, though.

Sara

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Hi,

>

> I definitely agree with reaching out and not letting shame with food keep

> you isolated.

>

> I think it's a wonder that our society, via media, peers, family, etc.,

> puts out a message of shame connected to eating. Why is eating shameful at

> all? It is not a sin. It is not a crime. It is a pleasure. And it is for

> fueling our bodies. And most of all it is no one else's business to violate

> our personal boundary and think they have the right to judge something as

> intimate as how we each care for our body and enjoyment with food.

>

> We are each allowed to eat what we want whenever we want; it's our own

> decision and it's not a moral issue if we are working on having a healthier

> relationship with food.

>

> I don't see anything to be ashamed of no matter where someone is on the path

> to a healthier relationship with food. If I ate 10 pizzas, I wouldn't judge

> myself, but would just notice that I felt pretty sick and would probably

> adjust my behavior; but it wasn't a sin or a crime or something to be

> ashamed of. And no one else has the right to judge me and I don't want to

> judge me either.

>

> Laurie

>

>

>

> _____

>

> From: lkrizkalla <LKLawrencehotmail (DOT) com>

>

> To: IntuitiveEating_ <mailto:IntuitiveEating_Support >

> Support

>

> Sent: Tue, December 8, 2009 1:17:31 PM

> Subject: Shame

>

>

>

>

> Today I'm thinking about shame and how it keeps me isolated. Ever since I

> was young, shame with food has kept me wanting to be alone. An email from a

> newbie today reminded me that it's really important to reach out, share, and

> not let the shame keep me hidden.

>

[Guest guest]

Your post about shame is a 'shame' too - why, or better yet HOW? are we to be

shamed over eating? Isn't that what we need to do to stay alive? Guilt over

crossing one's own boundaries maybe, but even that is hardly life threatening

really.

Good job to 'stretch' yourself out and test the waters for yourself. Shame seems

such an IMPOSED thing and not something positive when dealing with the you that

is in your body living your life. Hang in there and keep trying anything that

you can muster yourself up to.

BEST to you, Katcha

IEing since March 2007

>

> Today I'm thinking about shame and how it keeps me isolated. Ever since I was

young, shame with food has kept me wanting to be alone. An email from a newbie

today reminded me that it's really important to reach out, share, and not let

the shame keep me hidden.

>

[Guest guest]

Abby I've noticed that may of eating issues do parallel other 'substance abuse'

(for lack of other term) patterns. Considering how that type of living is all

about NOT being open and as mindful of one's life, it seems an easy step to

include anything that one uses to 'avoid' something else - eating included.

Being able to say - I did the best I could at the time, with what I had

available to me. AND wanting to chance to more positive means later can only be

good too. I think there is a demon - and too often its one of our own making as

well?

Happy HEALING here - Katcha

IEing since March 2007

>

> >

> >

> > Hi,

> >

> > I definitely agree with reaching out and not letting shame with food keep

> > you isolated.

> >

> > I think it's a wonder that our society, via media, peers, family, etc.,

> > puts out a message of shame connected to eating. Why is eating shameful at

> > all? It is not a sin. It is not a crime. It is a pleasure. And it is for

> > fueling our bodies. And most of all it is no one else's business to violate

> > our personal boundary and think they have the right to judge something as

> > intimate as how we each care for our body and enjoyment with food.

> >

> > We are each allowed to eat what we want whenever we want; it's our own

> > decision and it's not a moral issue if we are working on having a healthier

> > relationship with food.

> >

> > I don't see anything to be ashamed of no matter where someone is on the

> > path to a healthier relationship with food. If I ate 10 pizzas, I wouldn't

> > judge myself, but would just notice that I felt pretty sick and would

> > probably adjust my behavior; but it wasn't a sin or a crime or something to

> > be ashamed of. And no one else has the right to judge me and I don't want

> > to judge me either.

> >

> > Laurie

> >

> > ------------------------------

> > *From:* lkrizkalla

> >

> > *To:* IntuitiveEating_Support

> > *Sent:* Tue, December 8, 2009 1:17:31 PM

> > *Subject:* Shame

> >

> >

> >

> > Today I'm thinking about shame and how it keeps me isolated. Ever since I

> > was young, shame with food has kept me wanting to be alone. An email from a

> > newbie today reminded me that it's really important to reach out, share, and

> > not let the shame keep me hidden.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Maybe messages from childhood made us think there is something wrong with us when in reality there was something wrong with the message giver.

Laurie

To: IntuitiveEating_Support Sent: Tue, December 8, 2009 5:28:09 PMSubject: RE: Shame

Abby,

This really rings true for me. My darkest fear is that deep inside there's something wrong with me -- that I'm "damaged goods." I think all my addictions are a response to this fear.

Harry

[Guest guest]

Wow, Laurie! Your comment really hit a nerve with me because it made me think about my own childhood! I'm only child, and my mother and I were really close. However, it was totally different with my father because he was emotionally distant and showed very little affection, at least my way. When I was younger, I always thought there must be something wrong with me. But later on, it dawned on me that it wasn't me so much. When I was told a little more about his earlier life (to include his wartime experiences), I realized my father was a wounded human being; how could he show or express what he didn't know how to do. Guess that is where I get my addictive tendencies too because he'd drink and his daughter overeats.

Jeanne

[Guest guest]

Hi Jeanne,

It is sad when a parent is too wounded to really provide what a child needs. I had that situation with both parents. It's also sad that a child, who depends on the parent(s), can't figure out and/or face that it is the parent who is flawed. I suppose, in a child's mind, someone's wrong and and it can't be the parent, so of course the child blames herself (himself). Then we grow up and we carry that feeling, "I'm flawed" with us until we have the courage to face our parent(s) dysfunctions. And we have to then face feelings we couldn't process as children. And some of the feelings really suck, lol!! And that's part of the story as to why we are here on the IE message board dealing with our relationship to food and eating :.)

Laurie

To: IntuitiveEating_Support Sent: Wed, December 9, 2009 9:19:27 AMSubject: Re: Shame

Wow, Laurie! Your comment really hit a nerve with me because it made me think about my own childhood! I'm only child, and my mother and I were really close. However, it was totally different with my father because he was emotionally distant and showed very little affection, at least my way. When I was younger, I always thought there must be something wrong with me. But later on, it dawned on me that it wasn't me so much. When I was told a little more about his earlier life (to include his wartime experiences) , I realized my father was a wounded human being; how could he show or express what he didn't know how to do. Guess that is where I get my addictive tendencies too because he'd drink and his daughter overeats.

Jeanne

[Guest guest]

YES!! Thanks for saying this. SO very correct.

ehugs, Katcha

IEing since March 2007

>

> Maybe messages from childhood made us think there is something wrong with us

when in reality there was something wrong with the message giver.

> Laurie

>

>

>

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: IntuitiveEating_Support

> Sent: Tue, December 8, 2009 5:28:09 PM

> Subject: RE: Shame

>

>

> Abby,

> This really rings true for me. My darkest fear is that deep inside there's

something wrong with me -- that I'm " damaged goods. " I think all my addictions

are a response to this fear.

> Harry

>

[Guest guest]

this is definitely true for me. my parents were not well equipped for parenting, and it is not until i started therapy a few weeks ago that i realized that my feeling of being damaged goods is because of their problems in not providing me the secure childhood that i needed.

i am not angry with them and i am not looking for them to solve my adult problems but it's interesting to find out where this all stems from. i know that when i curl up on the couch with food and a book or movie it makes me feel very nurtured, so that i want to keep eating even when i am not hungry... its FOR the feeling of nurturing and love. i havent entirely figured out how to make myself feel nurtured like that when i am really needing it without food, but it's a work in progress. 

 

YES!! Thanks for saying this. SO very correct.

ehugs, Katcha

IEing since March 2007

>

> Maybe messages from childhood made us think there is something wrong with us when in reality there was something wrong with the message giver.

> Laurie

>

>

>

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: IntuitiveEating_Support

> Sent: Tue, December 8, 2009 5:28:09 PM

> Subject: RE: Shame

>

>  

> Abby,

> This really rings true for me. My darkest fear is that deep inside there's something wrong with me -- that I'm " damaged goods. " I think all my addictions are a response to this fear.

> Harry

>

--

[Guest guest]

I could relate to having an emotionally 'distant' dad. Mine was outwardling very

out going, fun loving and not at all reserved with people - BUT - he really was

not able to 'connect', and in retrospect I think he was more 'on' for others and

himself too. The hardest thing I've had to discover in my re-visiting of our

relationship (he's past away now), is that not only did we not get to really

know and appreciate each other in a sincere loving way, I was doubly 'shamed'

because I was never ALLOWED to be angry nor upset with him about this. It was so

twisted into the 'must-love-one's-parent' and a sad 'contest' of who is right.

What a waste of time and loss for us both.

Katcha

IEing since March 2007

>

> Hi Jeanne,

> It is sad when a parent is too wounded to really provide what a child needs. 

I had that situation with both parents.   It's also sad that a child, who

depends on the parent(s), can't figure out and/or face that it is the parent who

is flawed.  I suppose, in a child's mind, someone's wrong and and it can't be

the parent, so of course the child blames herself (himself).  Then we grow up

and we carry that feeling, " I'm flawed " with us until we have the courage to

face our parent(s) dysfunctions.  And we have to then face feelings we couldn't

process as children.  And some of the feelings really suck, lol!!   And

that's part of the story as to why we are here on the IE message board dealing

with our relationship to food and eating  :.)

>

> Laurie

>

>

>

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: IntuitiveEating_Support

> Sent: Wed, December 9, 2009 9:19:27 AM

> Subject: Re: Shame

>

>  

> Wow, Laurie!  Your comment really hit a nerve with me because it made me

think about my own childhood!  I'm only child, and my mother and I were really

close.  However, it was totally different with my father because

he was emotionally distant and showed very little affection, at least my

way.  When I was younger, I always thought there must be something wrong with

me.  But later on, it dawned on me that it wasn't me so much.  When I was

told a little more about his earlier life (to include his wartime experiences) ,

I realized my father was a wounded human being; how could he show or express

what he didn't know how to do.  Guess that is where I get my addictive

tendencies too because he'd drink and his daughter overeats.  

>

> Jeanne

>

[Guest guest]

Fabulous efforts Abby. You are opening the door and I know you will find some

good things IN 'there' because it is withIN you too.

ehugs, Katcha

IEing since March 2007

> i havent entirely

> figured out how to make myself feel nurtured like that when i am really

> needing it without food, but it's a work in progress.

[Guest guest]

Wow, I must be into something with this discussion on family issues because I've had a very strong urge to overeat today!

Jeanne

[Guest guest]

I sent this a little earlier but don't think it went so I'm sending again.

Thanks for your comments, Laurie!

Katcha, my parents are both deceased as well. We lost my father on Christmas Eve, 1986, after a long illness. (No wonder I get a little nuts every year at this time!) My poor father was distant with everybody, except with my mother. There must have been some reason for her marrying my father, but God help me, I never really understood it. It sadden me that when my father decided to go into recovery for his drinking that an avenue never opened for my father and I to improve our relationship! After he died, I think I grieved more for what could have been!

Jeanne

[Guest guest]

You're welcome. That realization only came after lots of therapy :.)

Laurie

To: IntuitiveEating_Support Sent: Wed, December 9, 2009 1:15:03 PMSubject: Re: Shame

YES!! Thanks for saying this. SO very correct. ehugs, KatchaIEing since March 2007>> Maybe messages from childhood made us think there is something wrong with us when in reality there was something wrong with the message giver.> Laurie>

[Guest guest]

Hi Abby,

I'm very happy that you have realized where the responsibility really does lie; with your parents.

That is great insight, and therapy is something I've done also; it's helped a lot.

It's ok if you're not angry at your parents, and it's ok if someday you become angry with them (don't know if you will or not) because you can love them while still feeling anger.

In any case, it's ok that you aren't sure how to self-nurture; that will develop!

Good luck :.)

Laurie

To: IntuitiveEating_Support Sent: Wed, December 9, 2009 1:26:50 PMSubject: Re: Re: Shame

this is definitely true for me. my parents were not well equipped for parenting, and it is not until i started therapy a few weeks ago that i realized that my feeling of being damaged goods is because of their problems in not providing me the secure childhood that i needed.

i am not angry with them and i am not looking for them to solve my adult problems but it's interesting to find out where this all stems from.

[Guest guest]

I can definitely relate to a dad who was emotionally distant and plus didn't want me to express any feelings about what was lacking relationship wise. I don't know if your dad thought he was ALWAYS right about everything and never open to others perspectives but mine was like that.

Laurie

To: IntuitiveEating_Support Sent: Wed, December 9, 2009 1:37:38 PMSubject: Re: Shame

I could relate to having an emotionally 'distant' dad. Mine was outwardling very out going, fun loving and not at all reserved with people - BUT - he really was not able to 'connect', and in retrospect I think he was more 'on' for others and himself too. The hardest thing I've had to discover in my re-visiting of our relationship (he's past away now), is that not only did we not get to really know and appreciate each other in a sincere loving way, I was doubly 'shamed' because I was never ALLOWED to be angry nor upset with him about this. It was so twisted into the 'must-love-one' s-parent' and a sad 'contest' of who is right. What a waste of time and loss for us both.KatchaIEing since March 2007>> Hi Jeanne,> It is sad when a parent is too wounded to really provide what a child needs. I had that situation with both parents.  It's also sad that a child, who depends on the parent(s), can't figure out and/or face that it is the parent who is flawed. I suppose, in a child's mind, someone's wrong and and it can't be the parent, so of course the child blames herself (himself). Then we grow up and we carry that feeling, "I'm flawed" with us until we have the courage to face our parent(s) dysfunctions. And we have to then face feelings we couldn't process as children. And some of the feelings really suck, lol!!  And that's part of the story as to why we are here on the IE message board dealing with our relationship to food and eating  :.)> > Laurie> > > > > ____________ _________ _________ __>

From: J W ELLER <jimbodog02@ ...>> To: IntuitiveEating_ Support@yahoogro ups.com> Sent: Wed, December 9, 2009 9:19:27 AM> Subject: Re: [intuitiveEating_ Support] Shame> >  > Wow, Laurie! Your comment really hit a nerve with me because it made me think about my own childhood! I'm only child, and my mother and I were really close. However, it was totally different with my father because he was emotionally distant and showed very little affection, at least my way. When I was younger, I always thought there must be something wrong with me.  But later on, it dawned on me that it wasn't me so much.  When I was told a little more about his earlier life (to include his

wartime experiences) , I realized my father was a wounded human being; how could he show or express what he didn't know how to do. Guess that is where I get my addictive tendencies too because he'd drink and his daughter overeats.  > > Jeanne>

[Guest guest]

my dad was extremely narcissistic (my mom thinks he had narcissistic personality disorder) and had a wicked temper and the whole household had to revolve around him. we were all afraid of him, including our mom. and he was jealous if she paid too much attention to us kids. it was hard to grow up in a home that felt scary and unsafe a lot of the time. 

and yes, laurie, my dad was the only one who was ever right. god forbid we could even THINK that we knew better! as an adult, i was the only person that he seemed to fully respect. i was able to maintain good boundaries with him, and he never acted out with me. and he was loving and very proud of me, in his own self-involved way. his relationship was much more volatile with my siblings; my brother especially is still working out his issues with this.

my dad passed away nearly two years ago -- 12/20/07 -- from a brain tumor. it's amazing how much growth has happened for all of us since then. my mom is slowly discovering herself after more than 40 years in a suffocating marriage. i cant say that i feel happier now that he is gone because as an adult we were ok, but i suspect my mom is.

i cant believe i am writing all this down and sharing it! feels very forbidden. i guess this is what i was talking about when i mentioned the shame and the feeling that there is something wrong with me that i have to keep hidden. funny how we can still feel like our parents' issues were our faults!

abby

 

I can definitely relate to a dad who was emotionally distant and plus didn't want me to express any feelings about what was lacking relationship wise.  I don't know if your dad thought he was ALWAYS right about everything and never open to others perspectives but mine was like that.

 

Laurie

To: IntuitiveEating_Support

Sent: Wed, December 9, 2009 1:37:38 PMSubject: Re: Shame 

I could relate to having an emotionally 'distant' dad. Mine was outwardling very out going, fun loving and not at all reserved with people - BUT - he really was not able to 'connect', and in retrospect I think he was more 'on' for others and himself too. The hardest thing I've had to discover in my re-visiting of our relationship (he's past away now), is that not only did we not get to really know and appreciate each other in a sincere loving way, I was doubly 'shamed' because I was never ALLOWED to be angry nor upset with him about this. It was so twisted into the 'must-love-one' s-parent' and a sad 'contest' of who is right. What a waste of time and loss for us both.

KatchaIEing since March 2007>> Hi Jeanne,> It is sad when a parent is too wounded to really provide what a child needs.  I had that situation with both parents.   It's also sad that a child, who depends on the parent(s), can't figure out and/or face that it is the parent who is flawed.  I suppose, in a child's mind, someone's wrong and and it can't be the parent, so of course the child blames herself (himself).  Then we grow up and we carry that feeling, " I'm flawed " with us until we have the courage to face our parent(s) dysfunctions.  And we have to then face feelings we couldn't process as children.  And some of the feelings really suck, lol!!   And that's part of the story as to why we are here on the IE message board dealing with our relationship to food and eating  :.)

> > Laurie> > > > > ____________ _________ _________ __>

From: J W ELLER <jimbodog02@ ...>> To: IntuitiveEating_ Support@yahoogro ups.com> Sent: Wed, December 9, 2009 9:19:27 AM

> Subject: Re: [intuitiveEating_ Support] Shame> >   > Wow, Laurie!  Your comment really hit a nerve with me because it made me think about my own childhood!  I'm only child, and my mother and I were really close.  However, it was totally different with my father because he was emotionally distant and showed very little affection, at least my way.  When I was younger, I always thought there must be something wrong with me.  But later on, it dawned on me that it wasn't me so much.  When I was told a little more about his earlier life (to include his

wartime experiences) , I realized my father was a wounded human being; how could he show or express what he didn't know how to do.  Guess that is where I get my addictive tendencies too because he'd drink and his daughter overeats.  

> > Jeanne>

--

[Guest guest]

Excellent connection awareness Jeanne!! Not that that alone will help overcome

these issues, but it does make working on them easier when you know about them

Katcha

IEing since March 2007

>

> Wow, I must be into something with this discussion on family issues because

I've had a very strong urge to overeat today!  

>  

> Jeanne 

>

[Guest guest]

Jeanne, my mom died just before Thanksgiving so that is a 'tougher' time for me

than for others as well. Add to it that dear mom was the 'hub of the wheel' for

our family and her being gone pretty much 'ended' the festive spirit and desire

to get together. I totally understand about your dad and you too. But hey, we

are living and improving too. Maybe that is another type of legacy for us to

create for ourselves? Good job that you grieved, I really wonder if I ever did

really for my mom who I still miss after 28 years.

Take care and BEST to us all - Katcha

IEing since March 2007

>

> I sent this a little earlier but don't think it went so I'm sending again.

>  

> Thanks for your comments, Laurie! 

>  

> Katcha, my parents are both deceased as well.  We lost my father on Christmas

Eve, 1986, after a long illness.  (No wonder I get a little nuts every year at

this time!)  My poor father was distant with everybody, except with my mother. 

There must have been some reason for her marrying my father, but God help me, I

never really understood it.  It sadden me that when my father decided to go into

recovery for his drinking that an avenue never opened for my father and I

to improve our relationship!  After he died, I think I grieved more for what

could have been! 

>  

> Jeanne

>

[Guest guest]

Sorta - he was very intelligent and 'quick', but it was more a 'challenging'

type attitude (lets see if you can best the old man!) than encouragement for my

benefit. I am very sure that this is an attitude he got from his parents/family

too. But not being able to 1) admit to self and 2) choose to do differently

worked to keep people (emotionally) 'away' from him.

And in response to another posts comments about why dear mom married dear dad -

in my parents case I think it was because something in dad recognized that mom

was able to do this (she really did make tough conscious decisions to NOT be

like her less than wonderful childhood). So I guess in the long run we can

either be like them or not - our decision. (rather like IE vs. dieting too :)

Ehugs, Katcha

IEing since March 2007

>

> I can definitely relate to a dad who was emotionally distant and plus didn't

want me to express any feelings about what was lacking relationship wise.  I

don't know if your dad thought he was ALWAYS right about everything and never

open to others perspectives but mine was like that.

>

> Laurie

>  

> I could relate to having an emotionally 'distant' dad. Mine was outwardling

very out going, fun loving and not at all reserved with people - BUT - he really

was not able to 'connect', and in retrospect I think he was more 'on' for others

and himself too. The hardest thing I've had to discover in my re-visiting of our

relationship (he's past away now), is that not only did we not get to really

know and appreciate each other in a sincere loving way, I was doubly 'shamed'

because I was never ALLOWED to be angry nor upset with him about this. It was so

twisted into the 'must-love-one' s-parent' and a sad 'contest' of who is right.

What a waste of time and loss for us both.

>

> Katcha

> IEing since March 2007

[Guest guest]

Hi Abby,

I'm glad you are writing and sharing your experiences; it's such a burden when we have to keep it all to ourselves. And you are sharing with others who probably have had similar experiences and can relate, and may even take your example and decide to share also.

thanks for that,Laurie

To: IntuitiveEating_Support Sent: Wed, December 9, 2009 3:28:23 PMSubject: Re: Re: Shame

my dad was extremely narcissistic (my mom thinks he had narcissistic personality disorder) and had a wicked temper and the whole household had to revolve around him. we were all afraid of him, including our mom. and he was jealous if she paid too much attention to us kids. it was hard to grow up in a home that felt scary and unsafe a lot of the time.

and yes, laurie, my dad was the only one who was ever right. god forbid we could even THINK that we knew better!

as an adult, i was the only person that he seemed to fully respect. i was able to maintain good boundaries with him, and he never acted out with me. and he was loving and very proud of me, in his own self-involved way. his relationship was much more volatile with my siblings; my brother especially is still working out his issues with this.

my dad passed away nearly two years ago -- 12/20/07 -- from a brain tumor. it's amazing how much growth has happened for all of us since then. my mom is slowly discovering herself after more than 40 years in a suffocating marriage. i cant say that i feel happier now that he is gone because as an adult we were ok, but i suspect my mom is.

i cant believe i am writing all this down and sharing it! feels very forbidden.

i guess this is what i was talking about when i mentioned the shame and the feeling that there is something wrong with me that i have to keep hidden. funny how we can still feel like our parents' issues were our faults!

abby

[Guest guest]

When I read that your mom made a conscious decision to not be like her parents, it brings a tear to my eyes because I know how much determination that takes, and it shows how loving a mother she was; not wanting to revisit anything upon you, to the best of her ability. I wish my mother could have done what yours did, but she couldn't.

Laurie

To: IntuitiveEating_Support Sent: Wed, December 9, 2009 6:48:28 PMSubject: Re: Shame

Sorta - he was very intelligent and 'quick', but it was more a 'challenging' type attitude (lets see if you can best the old man!) than encouragement for my benefit. I am very sure that this is an attitude he got from his parents/family too. But not being able to 1) admit to self and 2) choose to do differently worked to keep people (emotionally) 'away' from him. And in response to another posts comments about why dear mom married dear dad - in my parents case I think it was because something in dad recognized that mom was able to do this (she really did make tough conscious decisions to NOT be like her less than wonderful childhood). So I guess in the long run we can either be like them or not - our decision. (rather like IE vs. dieting too :)Ehugs, KatchaIEing since March 2007>> I can definitely relate to a dad who was emotionally distant and plus didn't want me to express any feelings about what was lacking relationship wise. I don't know if your dad thought he was ALWAYS right about everything and never open to others perspectives but mine was like that.> > Laurie>  > I could relate to having an emotionally 'distant' dad. Mine was outwardling very out going, fun loving and not at all reserved with people - BUT - he really was not able to 'connect', and in retrospect I think he was more 'on' for others and himself too. The hardest thing I've had to discover in my re-visiting of our relationship (he's past away now), is that not only did we not get to really know and appreciate each other in a sincere loving way, I was doubly

'shamed' because I was never ALLOWED to be angry nor upset with him about this. It was so twisted into the 'must-love-one' s-parent' and a sad 'contest' of who is right. What a waste of time and loss for us both.> > Katcha> IEing since March 2007