IE all the way

[Guest guest]

Thanks Martha for your

thoughts and words! Every single post I read helps! It truly does.

I think I’ve

dabbled in IE in the past, yet always kept dieting on the back burner –

like “if this (IE) doesn’t work out” then I can go back to

dieting.

I try to talk to my

husband about it – and he, naturally slim, and an IE naturally his whole

life – he has no clue what I’m even talking about! He is

loving and supportive, but he just does get “it”!

I want to bash my

scale and burn my diet books, and the calendars I’ve logged my weight in

for 4 years, and delete FitDay (calorie counting program) off my computer.....BUT

could I just put everything in a big tote in the basement....for now?

I’m afraid that

if I keep it in a tote...then I might dig everything back out again

someday. But I’m nervous about getting rid of stuff – what if

my husband wants to weigh himself occasionally – or what if someday I

write a book and need those calendars and information.....

I guess what I’m

saying is.....as long as my calendars and FitDay, and diet books and scale are

out, I’m not sure I can fully embrace IE....kind of like being an

alcoholic who works in a bar! (Maybe that’s a bad example.)

But yet, getting rid of everything seems so drastic and such a waste of

money....

I want to not only visually get rid of these dieting crutches

(so I’m not seeing them/walking by them/tempted to use them, but also do

the physical act of packing them

away or getting rid of them as a “sign”

to myself that now I am fully embracing the IE lifestyle.

Having a scale in my

bathroom (or probably my house) is just too tempting at this point – and for

me, if I’m weighing, then I’m either “on” or “off”....”good”

or “bad”.....”black” or “white”....

I don’t want to

be “on” a diet anymore – b/c if I’m “on”,

then I’m “good”...and if the scale doesn’t go down,

when I’m “good” then I’m mad and feel cheated and mad

and tempted to binge. If I’m “off”, then I want to

binge, b/c “Yay, I’m off plan – let’s eat!”

I feel like Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde – on and then off – bingeing and

then dieting.....establishing all my self-worth around what the scale says, how

I ate (or didn’t eat) that day, etc.

It’s.

Just. Not. Working.

I want to be ‘gray’.

I want to eat intuitively. I want to be done bingeing. I want to

grow up and not have food be the “be all, end all” in my

life. I want the self-hatred, guilt and shame to end. I want my

life to be about something else. 40 years of my life have been wasted on

food, weight and self-hatred....it is time for a new chapter and a new life.

Why do I feel like I’m

about to step off the edge of the Grand

Canyon though?

Jolene

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It is only with the

heart that one can see rightly;

what is essential is

invisible to the eye.

-Antoine de Saint-Exupery (The Little Prince)