Re: I went to a seminar with May M.D. yesterday....

[Guest guest]

Hi Caren: I understand the first 2 questions the author asks in " Eat What You

Love ... " To me " Hands on head " implies wants come from our mind, but not

necessarily our bodies. " Cross arms over chest " implies that our needs may come

from our hearts as emotional needs, not just from physical needs. However, I

don't understand the body language and words of the third question (Put your

arms out by your hips and say, " What do I have? " ) Does that question refer to

the person's physical body or the food available to eat or what? Could you

explain?

SUE

>

> ...the author of " Am I Hungry. " We got a free copy of her new book " Eat What

You Love Love What You Eat " ! It was great. Here's one exercise she had us do:

>

> Before you ask " Am I hungry " (and it's ok to eat if you aren't)

>

> Put your hands on your head and say, " What do I want? "

>

> Cross your arms over your chest and say, " What do I need? "

>

> Put your arms out by your hips and say, " What do I have? "

>

> I can't wait to read the new book.

>

> Caren

>

[Guest guest]

It means what food do you have in the house. She recommends always having lots

of choices on hand.

I like your interpretation of What do I need. I took it as more of a

nutritional question. I think I will blend nutrition and emotion for that one!

>

> Hi Caren: I understand the first 2 questions the author asks in " Eat What You

Love ... " To me " Hands on head " implies wants come from our mind, but not

necessarily our bodies. " Cross arms over chest " implies that our needs may come

from our hearts as emotional needs, not just from physical needs. However, I

don't understand the body language and words of the third question (Put your

arms out by your hips and say, " What do I have? " ) Does that question refer to

the person's physical body or the food available to eat or what? Could you

explain?

[Guest guest]

Thanks, Caren. When I first read that question " What do I have? " , I immediately

thought " celiac disease, 7 food allergy restrictions, and a recurrent bacterial

infection which I can only treat with an antibiotic which causes nausea and

reflux " . All those factors influence what I choose to eat, as well as what food

is available in my house at any moment. Although my situation is rather unique,

other people may also interpret that last 'what do I have?' question

differently.

SUE

>

> It means what food do you have in the house. She recommends always having

lots of choices on hand.

>

> I like your interpretation of What do I need. I took it as more of a

nutritional question. I think I will blend nutrition and emotion for that one!

>

[Guest guest]

Laurie,

I absolutely love everything you have said here. I think a great message for

ALL of us that tend to beat ouselves up when we overeat. Really sounds like you

are absorbing everything you are reading.

I am reading a book that is not IE related, but is self-help related and could

very well be applied to the thoughts that " I have an ugly, fat and ruined body " .

The book is by Byron and is called I Need Your Love-Is That True? I guess

she she has a previous book out called Loving What Is. What she talks about is

when we have a thought such as " I have an ugly, fat and ruined body " is to ask

" is it true? - Yes or No. And then ask how we react when we belive this thought?

Then, Who would you be without that thought? And then to find a turn around to

your thought.

I believe Gillian, our IE moderator for this group has some acronym for how to

also question our thoughts - Gillian if you are out there reading this maybe you

can chime in because I can't remember it, but I remember something you used to

say about our thoughts.

S - I would really be challenging and questioning this thought/belief that you

are having. Ask yourself if you find at least 3 things about yourself that you

do like. This could open youself up to learning to love and accept your

body/self for who and what you are just as you are.

Alana

>

> > Although my situation is rather unique, other people may also interpret

> > that last 'what do I have?' question differently.

>

> Indeed. I thought of " I have an ugly, fat and ruined body and the last

> thing it needs is eating when not hungry. "

>

> Regards

> s.

>

[Guest guest]

Who says you are not beautiful? I believe that we are all created uniquely and

individually beautiful. What basis are you using to judge yourself as not

beautiful? Fashion magazines? Pictures on the internet? Has someone else told

you you are ugly, or is this 100% coming from you and your head? One thing you

might want to check out is www.operationbeautiful.com.

Can't you find one thing about yourself that is beautiful? Maybe your shiny

hair? Maybe your eyes? Maybe how soft your skin is? Maybe you have a cute

little freckle? There has got to be one thing on your body that you can find

attractive. And if you can't find something physically attractive about your

self, what about your personality? Maybe you are a very kind neighbor? A

loving wife? A good cook? Artistic? Creative?

I hate to be a bit harsh here, but if you can't find a single nice thing to say

about yourself, then get outside of yourself and go do something nice for

someone else. Go volunteer at a homeless shelter or a teen center or an old

folks home. go help out at a local food bank. Go someplace where you can be

with other people and find something attractive about other people in the world.

Maybe then you will be able to go home and realize that you really aren't that

horrible.

>

> > S - I would really be challenging and questioning this thought/belief that

> > you are having. Ask yourself if you find at least 3 things about yourself

> > that you do like. This could open youself up to learning to love and

> > accept your body/self for who and what you are just as you are.

>

> I think there is a difference between accepting that I have a fat, ugly

> and ruined body and deluding myself into something that isn't true.

>

> I'd rather work at accepting that I'm not beautiful, thin and healthy

> than trying to convince myself of something that is not true. Not

> admitting that I'm fat, not healthy and not beautiful in most people's

> eyes seems too much like denial.

>

> Regards

> s.

>

[Guest guest]

"Not admitting that I'm fat, not healthy and not beautiful in most people'seyes seems too much like denial." s., sounds to me like you are a bit depressed. But you know we are always our worst critics, whether the criticism is correct or not. I suspect that you have a lot more going for you than you have acknowledged!!

All the best,

Jeanne

[Guest guest]

s.,

You remind me so much of a few beloved family members I have. Do you happen to

be really stubborn like them, too?

I certainly wouldn't want to tell you how to think. If you really are like my

family, it wouldn't do me any good anyway . So I'll just talk about my own

perspective.

I used to be very much like you. The thought of liking myself fat seemed

ridiculous. Now I just look at it differently. I guess I really am just

starting to understand the " beauty is in the eye of the beholder " saying. And I

am the only beholder that counts where my beauty is concerned. I agree that

pretending that society is different is just pretending. But I don't have to

care what " society " says. There is no rule that says I can't create an

environment inside my own head where I'm considered gorgeous. I can move

beautifully, do my makeup and hair beautifully, walk beautifully, dress

beautifully, and take care of myself beautifully. I can feel beautiful. If I

let society define how I feel about myself, than I'm conceding way too much

power to others. I'm abdicating my own perspective to others.

Besides, who is this " society " anyway? If I took a picture of a gorgeous

celebrity defined as gorgeous by " society " around, I guarantee, I'd find a good

chunk of the populace who found flaws with that celebrity, and even found

him/her ugly on the whole. There are plenty of guys who I and others consider

quite attractive who prefer fat women such as myself. Believe me, I know, cause

they ask me out in the grocery store. What if I surrounded myself with friends

and loved ones who saw me as beautiful. Then could I legally consider myself

beautiful?

Don't forget that confidence is a big contributor to beauty. It can really

transform the way we and others look at us.

My life has only changed for the better since I got fat. I'm finally seeing

myself as beautiful, not because I'm closer to society's ideal, but because I'm

finally realizing that I don't have to compare myself to that ideal or to anyone

else. I can just like myself, and the sky doesn't fall. Only good things have

come of it.

And the standards of beauty have changed dramatically through the ages, and from

society to society. Do you have to live in a society where you're near the

ideal in order to like your body? Would your " ruined " body suddenly be your

" gorgeous " body without changing at all?

Beauty isn't a fact, it's an opinion. You don't have to convince yourself that

you're society's ideal woman, although it's a fun thing to pretend sometimes.

But the quality of your life can only improve by convincing yourself to have a

beautiful opinion of yourself, inside and out.

Good luck,

Sara

> > I

> > hate to be a bit harsh here,

>

> You're not harsh but I don't understand why it seems so hard to get that

> I don't think of it as a sensible thing to do to try to convince myself

> of something I'm not. I'm not a talented musician giving concerts, not a

> loving mother (because I have not kids) and not a million-dollar-making

> baseball star. And for sure nobody would make the sugestion that I try

> to convince myself that I am.

>

> So why not rather learn to live life as an ugly person in a beauty- and

> youth- and thinness-obsessed world than trying to convince myself that

> I'm being something I'm not?

>

> Regards

> s.

>

[Guest guest]

I can see that we all just look at beauty and ugly, lovable and unlovable

differently.

Good luck!

Sara

>

>

> > The thought of liking myself fat seemed

> > ridiculous.

>

> I think I am really not able to bring across my point. :-/

>

> Ok, last try, then I'm out: I don't need to convince myself that I'm

> beautiful to like myself. Ugly things can be as loveable as beautiful

> things.

>

> That I think something is ugly or that being fat is ugly or whatever is

> ugly doesn't automatically mean it's something that isn't loveable.

>

> Regards

> s.

>

[Guest guest]

You know this thread really does make you think, doesn't it? I've been thinking

about the difference between being ugly as defined by someone else, or society

in general, and feeling ugly. I think feeling ugly is an emotion, and seemingly

a negative one. I can definitely wrap my head around the idea of acknowledging

that others may find someone ugly, but that the internal feeling is one of

acceptance, and love. But to me feeling ugly is different than being ugly in

the eyes of others. Feeling ugly just doesn't seem healthy.

Am I making any sense?

Oh, and I'm definitely not trying to argue here, I'm just sort of exploring

these ideas.

Sara

>

> Hi s.,

>

> Well I've thought a lot about " ugly " and " beautiful " . 

>

> My first thought is that we are all, every one of us, aging and none of us

will retain a youthful appearance.

>

> But we are so much more than our bodies and our looks; we can be amazing,

beautiful people based on who we are and how we treat others.  So your point

that we can be lovable regardless of outer appearance is very important and of

course very true.  It's one of the most important truths in this life, I think.

>

> Of course there's too much focus, in our society, upon outer appearance; it's

pretty much a shallow societal norm to emphasis the outer packaging over the

complexities of our personality and spiritual being. 

>

> The question is are you comfortable in your own body, because that matters

more than debates about what's ugly and not ugly? 

>

> Laurie

>

[Guest guest]

Just exploring this a little bit further. I wanted to use myself as an example

in trying to explain my thoughts on this. When I was thin, and considered

attractive to society at large, I still felt ugly. I could see in the mirror.

I could see what everyone else was seeing, but because of this feeling inside

that something was wrong with me, I would twist that mirror image to match that

inner feeling. I was attractive, but felt ugly.

Now that I'm much farther from the cultural ideal, because of the inner work I'm

doing in fixing my self-esteem, I actually feel more beautiful than I did when I

was thin. I still have extreme struggles with this, but I've come a long, long

way.

Thanks for indulging me here.

Sara

>

> Hi s.,

>

> Well I've thought a lot about " ugly " and " beautiful " . 

>

> My first thought is that we are all, every one of us, aging and none of us

will retain a youthful appearance.

>

> But we are so much more than our bodies and our looks; we can be amazing,

beautiful people based on who we are and how we treat others.  So your point

that we can be lovable regardless of outer appearance is very important and of

course very true.  It's one of the most important truths in this life, I think.

>

> Of course there's too much focus, in our society, upon outer appearance; it's

pretty much a shallow societal norm to emphasis the outer packaging over the

complexities of our personality and spiritual being. 

>

> The question is are you comfortable in your own body, because that matters

more than debates about what's ugly and not ugly? 

>

> Laurie

>

[Guest guest]

Its seems to me that 'ugly' is a negative concept and to apply that to one's

self could result in a very unsupportive, if not harmful, thing to do to one's

self. That could be why it could create ill health as one internalizes the

'label'? Certainly how one appears to others is not related the abilities and

nature of that person! But choosing to incorporate the qualities that such a

label implies has to affect that person. Perhaps thinking in terms of

unattractive instead of ugly could help make this clear? Ugly seems so judged,

put upon, while unattractive may go to the core of the concept - not being what

others find to be of attraction for them? That way the reason lies with the

OTHER people, not within one's self - beyond that person understanding if such a

condition or state of being is something they can and will chose to change.

BEST wishes for you - Katcha

IEing since March 2007

>

> > I can definitely wrap my head

> > around the idea of acknowledging that others may find someone ugly, but

> > that the internal feeling is one of acceptance, and love. But to me

> > feeling ugly is different than being ugly in the eyes of others. Feeling

> > ugly just doesn't seem healthy.

>

> It's an interesting thought. I turned that over in my head a few times

> already. It doesn't seem healthy, yes, but WHY? What's so bad about

> being ugly? And being viewed as ugly and feeling ugly would be a match

> after all. Like being viewed as a talented artist and feeling like a

> talented artist.

>

> I noticed that people don't seem to have a problem with positive

> feedback and positive feelings matching (who would?) but not with

> negative feedback and negative feelings matching.

>

> I think that " feeling ugly " is some problem and might be not healthy but

> it makes me think why. Maybe because " being beautiful " is somehow seen

> as something vital in our society?

>

> Regards

> s.

>