Re: Difficult Family Relationships

[Guest guest]

Hi Judy: I hesitated to chime in with my history of physical and emotional abuse

from my narcissistic mother. However, when you mentioned having an older brother

whom your mom favors, I hurt with you. In my mom's eyes my brother could do no

wrong, but I could do NOTHING right. When I was a normal weight 6 year old with

a bloated (undiagnosed celiac disease) tummy, she thought I was fat, because my

brother was thinner. Thus began years of my mother criticizing my body and

restricting what I ate to make me lose weight. Of course I later rebelled by

sneaking food and GAINING weight. However I never gained enough to become obese

and I lost the excess weight as I became more active. Nevertheless, I wonder

whether my mother would have considered me too thin, if my brother was heavier.

Whatever I was or did, my mother never considered me as good as my brother. I

heard that even beyond her death as she bequeathed in her will specific items to

my brother (and his children) and asked that everything leftover be equally

divided between him and me. Yeah, sure ... equal division of the remainder after

he got the best. I guess I can't blame her, because I learned long before her

death to not ask for anything, because she always gave my brother whatever he

wanted and refused my requests.

I also struggled with bulimic (binge/purge) habits for years, but eventually

eliminated those habits after I learned intuitive eating. I also no longer have

to endure my mom's abuse because she died 20 years ago. Nevertheless, I hung

onto anger toward my mom and resentment toward my brother until I realized that

I was only hurting myself by hanging onto those unresolved feelings.

Although I wish that I understood while my mom was alive what I know now, I no

longer mourn the 'lost' years when I either tried to please my mom or rebelled

against her abuse. That was then and this is now. Right now I'm enjoying the

best year of my life, but who knows? Next year may be even better.

No matter what you experienced in your childhood or in your current life, you

can recover when you realize that how your parents treated you was never about

you. Their actions were totally about who they were and what they believed. You

can learn the truth about yourself when you believing what abusive parents said

to you.

SUE

> > >

> > >

> > > From: reflectionmommy <saralouwho@ ...>

> > > Subject: [intuitiveEating_ Support] Re: just a little update

> > > To: IntuitiveEating_ <mailto:IntuitiveEating_Support%40yahoogroups.com>

> > Support@yahoogro ups.com

> > > Date: Friday, November 27, 2009, 2:22 PM

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > For me, it's very important, (and very hard), to remove those labels of

> > > " good " and " bad " or " healthy " / " unhealth y " from all foods.

> > >

> > >

> > >

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> > > 01:58:00

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>

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone with critical moms who we just could never please,

Are you all sure that you're not talking about MY mother? lol

Because you are describing her as if you knew her intimately :.)

My mother preferred my brother in the most obvious way. She told me that she did not love me, in fact. She left money to him and none to me when she died. The last final rejection (angry feelings stirring and want to call her a you know what right now..)

When my mother died, I felt such a freedom from the need to gain her approval rather than her rejection. After she died I knew I'd never get her approval (which I'd always strived unsuccessfully for) but I'd never again have to face her extremely hurtful rejection either.

I feel almost guilty to say that I'm doing a whole lot better since my mother died.

I'm not saying that there weren't parts of me that loved her, but it truly is easier now just nurturing myself the way I think is right and positive.

Laurie

Subject: Re: Difficult Family RelationshipsTo: IntuitiveEating_Support Date: Saturday, November 28, 2009, 12:23 AM

Hi Judy: I hesitated to chime in with my history of physical and emotional abuse from my narcissistic mother. However, when you mentioned having an older brother whom your mom favors, I hurt with you. In my mom's eyes my brother could do no wrong, but I could do NOTHING right.

[Guest guest]

Laurie, while my mother was not like this hardly at all, my grandmother (dad's

mom) was a very critical, disrespectful, angry and discounting type person. Her

lack of love (from her parents and for herself and others too) spilled over onto

my dad and us kids too when we were around her. Her least endearing quality was

'bait and switch' - telling one grandkid how wonderful etc. a cousin was and

NEVER saying anything positive to us directly. Turns out that she did this to

all of us pretty much equally, with the exception of the oldest and MALE

grandchild who the sun rose and set for. Even when I could understand and see

that this was her own way of acting our HER pain and issues, it still did not

change the fact that she was a very unpleasant person to be around. She lived to

over 100 and none of her grandchildren were in contact with her for the last few

decades of her life - SAD.

Luckily we do not have to repeat what was visited upon us. This is our choice,

and one strongly challenged by the fact that we can only 'do' as we 'know'! In

order to positively change one must first discover what that positive would be

and then gift it to one's self too. Lots of old 'unworthy' messages trip us up,

but really, we only have this one life time to 'get it right'. I am very happy

and thankful for having IE and this group to support me as I re-evolve.

Ehugs, Katcha

>

> Hi everyone with critical moms who we just could never please,

>  

> Are you all sure that you're not talking about MY mother? lol 

>  

> Because you are describing her as if you knew her intimately :.)

>  

> My mother preferred my brother in the most obvious way.  She told me that she

did not love me, in fact.  She left money to him and none to me when she died. 

The last final rejection (angry feelings stirring and want to call her a you

know what right now..)

>  

> When my mother died, I felt such a freedom from the need to gain her approval

rather than her rejection.  After she died I knew I'd never get her approval

(which I'd always strived unsuccessfully for) but I'd never again have to face

her extremely hurtful rejection either.

>  

> I feel almost guilty to say that I'm doing a whole lot better since my mother

died.

>  

> I'm not saying that there weren't parts of me that loved her, but it truly is

easier now just nurturing myself the way I think is right and positive.

>  

> Laurie

[Guest guest]

It IS very sad about your grandmother; I was feeling really sad for a few moments today because my brother hasn't managed to re-evolve himself and develop that desire to be different from my parents as much as I have. He actually is stuck in not even understanding that what our parents did was SO wrong. So I'm very sad for him, and though he is my twin brother, we aren't close. Not at all. He's the only one in the family I would never cut off and never stop loving no matter what he does; I feel an unconditional love for him because he's my twin, but I think he is very out of touch with any positive feelings towards me, and any feelings in general; it's very, very sad because, as children, I couldn't help myself so of course I couldn't help him either.

Yes, you're right that unless we find ways to learn what's right, and to look outside of our family's definition, we won't re-evolve. I have the desire to be the loving parent to myself that my parents weren't. I think this life is too short to begin with, so we've got to make the most of it.

Laurie

Subject: Re: Difficult Family RelationshipsTo: IntuitiveEating_Support Date: Saturday, November 28, 2009, 6:57 PM

Laurie, while my mother was not like this hardly at all, my grandmother (dad's mom) was a very critical, disrespectful, angry and discounting type person. Her lack of love (from her parents and for herself and others too) spilled over onto my dad and us kids too when we were around her.