another step in the journey?

[Guest guest]

Hello all,

This journey is so interesting. I'll think I have it all figured out, and then

bam, find out that there was another whole part of the road that i never even

realized was there.

I started IE last November, and started McKenna's program not too long

after. It seemed to be going well. As the months went by, there were gradually

more steps forward than steps back. I was losing weight and feeling really good

about myself. My hunger was definitely lessening.

But then this summer and early fall happened and I've been incredibly stressed

out and turned to food for comfort and I gained back the weight insanely

quickly. I really can't believe how fast it happened. And now I can't seem to

get my hunger and eating (it's definitely two separate things -- my appetite

increased for sure) back under control.

But I think what i realized is that this happened because my body and soul were

not getting what they needed -- enough rest, freedom from unceasing stress,

loving self-care, etc. A lot of this was not under my control -- getting laid

off, finding a new job, moving to be near the new job, finding out that

credentialing for the new job was going to take a VERY long time, then finding

out that the old job had been reinstated, deciding to go back there for the

interim to the old job (expecting i'd have a month to get settled and then

finding out i had only 4 days), which means a VERY long commute and an

emotionally exhausting situation -- working in a school that i adore with

children i love. and then working at a ridiculous pace because there's so much

need for my services. even increasing the duration of my runs, in an effort to

help with stress management. oh, and not getting enough sleep because i have

lots going on outside of my work life. not getting enough rest is a guarentee

that i will be more hungry -- my body's way of making up for low energy.

i basically fell apart on the phone on thursday night with my best friend. and

he practically ordered me to take friday as a sick day. which i did. and which

was wonderful. i used friday and saturday to finally finish getting settled into

my new place. living in a disorganized space is a HUGE stressor for me. i need

organization and cleanliness to feel sane. but hadn't had time or energy to work

on this since i started the job. i've also gotten lots of rest... but made sure

to more or less stay on my same sleeping schedule. so that when i go back to

work tomorrow my body wont be confused by getting up early. (that was a big part

of my fatigue before.)

i let go and ate more emotionally and less mindfully than i have in a long time.

i ate in front of the TV on thursday night. it felt great, in a way, to just

throw in the towel. but i also feel bad about where my body is.

but here is what i realized yesterday. my body is not the problem. nor is my

eating. my problem is that my body and soul are not getting the care that they

need. the eating is just a symptom of that.

so i have committed to not going out more than two nights a week during the work

week (which is hard because i LOVE seeing my friends -- it nourishes my soul,

but at the expense of my body sometimes), and getting to bed earlier, and just

having more time to veg out and rejuvenate. it's going to take real focus as

with the long commute i have to go to bed quite early. i'm going to work on

eating mindfully again. i've already gotten out of the habit months ago of

eating while watching TV for the most part (except i've discovered a new habit

with microwave popcorn, something i never liked before... is this because i

really like it or because it's forbidden??? i think i may have finally legalized

it but we will see). but for my meals, i am now at the point where i actually

enjoy sitting down at the kitchen table by myself.

i'm going to try to eat mindfully but not force myself to stop until i feel

ready to, physically AND mentally... sara, your post about this really helped

me! yesterday this went better than it had in a while.

and most importantly, i am NOT going to think about my weight! i am letting go

of this! i am going to focus on taking really good care of myself during this

stressful time, and trust that the weight will take care of itself as it is

meant to.

when i went out last night with my best friend, who is also my ex (we broke up

four years ago), i dressed up in tight fitting jeans (tighter than before but

who cares???) and a sexy shirt with cleavage, and put up makeup and heels...

it's good going out with him because he thinks i am beautiful no matter what --

being heavier is not a negative as far as he is concerned, there's just more

curves to admire (we actually talked about this last night)... and just said to

myself " i look great RIGHT NOW. " and i felt great! it was really liberating. i

know that my curves look good! no one thinks has any complaints about my weight

except me. well, i worry that my medical assistant judges me, but it's only

because she has weight issues of her own, and that's about her, not me...

sorry that this is so long but i guess i am feeling the need to " say this out

loud " to reinforce it to myself. it all sounds so basic, i know, but it feels

really revolutionary for some reason. when i take care of myself, i wont need

food to care for me, and my weight will sort itself out as it is meant to! and

if, as i fear, my hormones are out of whack and are going to make me gain weight

regardless... well, there's nothing i can do about that! so why make myself

miserable about it???

thanks for reading,

abby