Re: dieting family members

[Guest guest]

Hi Thea,Well, I'm no expert with moms, but one thing i learned in graduate school is that trying to teach people about something (ie how to quit smoking) when they are not interested in quitting is pointless. you can plant a seed, but getting into it beyond that doesn't accomplish anything. i think it can even be destructive to the relationship. 

it sounds to me like your mom is not ready to hear about IE. she believes that the latest diet & gym will solve her problem. i'm sure it's incredibly frustrating for you to watch this, and especially to have to listen to her talk about it, but that's where she is right now -- there's nothing you can do to help her.

i do think it's fair to ask for what you need from her. and that you can tell her you are trying to eat intuitively, and get away from dieting, and that hearing her talk about dieting is hard and stressful for you, so would it be ok if you guys didnt talk about it? you can even say " i know you want to help me, but this is the best way you can help and support me right now. " sort of like agreeing to disagree, acknowledging her good intentions (that she cares about you and that's the reason she talks about it -- she really thinks it could help you) and choosing to talk about other things instead. 

just my $0.02. family stuff is hard! good luck!abby

 

hi all,

So many interesting things here to respond to, and I will, but I just have to get this one thing off my chest.

My mother has in the past year or two really started devoting a lot of energy to exercising and losing weight, though not succeeding particularly. She's not especially overweight, maybe 15 pounds or so, I don't even know, I'm just guessing what she would say. She looks normal.

Anyway, she's always been a dieter, more or less, or at least always concerned about weight. Just today, she told me that she had just joined this Curves-like gym where she is obligated to go at 8am, even though she doesn't like to be up that early. The reason she picked this gym is that it has an accompanying diet plan where she is supposed to eat 100 grams of protein every day and drink the classic 60 oz of water. She really thinks that the protein in particular is going to help her lose weight, and she's now starting to ask me about my protein intake.

I find this annoying and upsetting. I really want to somehow bring up the idea of intuitive eating or " when women stop hating their bodies " to her, but I don't think she'd listen, and I feel like she would just think I was being lazy or letting myself go or whatever. I gained a lot of weight this year and I think that hurts my credibility with her.

She won't actually lecture me about my weight, but neither does she say I am fine the way I am or anything like that. I think she thinks we both " know " I'm not fine the way I am, so she's being tactful in not saying so. Maybe that's paranoid. I don't know.

I'm never going to count another calorie again in my life, and I am happier for it, even if also heavier, for now. I really see things changing for me, and I think more women should know about IE. But I don't know how to bring it up with my mother or even if I should.

thea

[Guest guest]

Thea, you have come a good long way on your IE journey! To me that is progress

in and of itself. Your awareness has grown and you are able to exam and resolve

your own challenges. Yet none of us lives in an IE 'bubble' and some days it

seems that the rest of the (diet mentality) world must delight in bursting the

delicate barrier that we have made. Some days I feel secure if I picture that

barrier as solid tempered glass, but in reality its simply a 'force field' of my

own desire for protection?

Like Abby (in another recent post), turning my focus back to self care taking

ends up much more rewarding to me than to waste energies trying to change the

'rest' of the world (so I can be comfortable).

Seeing how you know that what your mom thinks of you is important, perhaps you

might also benefit if you understand how YOU think of yourself? When you work

from your own self as the source of your comfort, you do NOT make it a contest

between your mom (or rest of world) then requiring you to defend YOUR position?

Dieting is all about making one feel and act as if THEY are 'flawed' and

incapable of managing their own life. IE reclaims your life for YOU. If you can

center your thoughts and set your position, then simply share with your mom YOUR

comfort with what you are doing with YOUR (eating) life it becomes a statement,

not a salvo to HER position. Mutual respect is a better starting point for

building a loving relationship than where one imposes upon another person. Stick

to a simple statement about how YOU are at this point in time and while you

don't share her 'methods', you respect her choices and you very much appreciate

that she does likewise.

BEST to you, Katcha

IEing since March 2007

>

> hi all,

>

> So many interesting things here to respond to, and I will, but I just have to

get this one thing off my chest.

>

> My mother has in the past year or two really started devoting a lot of energy

to exercising and losing weight, though not succeeding particularly. She's not

especially overweight, maybe 15 pounds or so, I don't even know, I'm just

guessing what she would say. She looks normal.

>

> Anyway, she's always been a dieter, more or less, or at least always concerned

about weight. Just today, she told me that she had just joined this Curves-like

gym where she is obligated to go at 8am, even though she doesn't like to be up

that early. The reason she picked this gym is that it has an accompanying diet

plan where she is supposed to eat 100 grams of protein every day and drink the

classic 60 oz of water. She really thinks that the protein in particular is

going to help her lose weight, and she's now starting to ask me about my protein

intake.

>

> I find this annoying and upsetting. I really want to somehow bring up the

idea of intuitive eating or " when women stop hating their bodies " to her, but I

don't think she'd listen, and I feel like she would just think I was being lazy

or letting myself go or whatever. I gained a lot of weight this year and I

think that hurts my credibility with her.

>

> She won't actually lecture me about my weight, but neither does she say I am

fine the way I am or anything like that. I think she thinks we both " know " I'm

not fine the way I am, so she's being tactful in not saying so. Maybe that's

paranoid. I don't know.

>

> I'm never going to count another calorie again in my life, and I am happier

for it, even if also heavier, for now. I really see things changing for me, and

I think more women should know about IE. But I don't know how to bring it up

with my mother or even if I should.

>

> thea

>