RE: another step in the journey?

[Guest guest]

I don't have any specific comments for this, but I just wanted to say that

reading what other people are going through helps me tremedously. Thanks for

posting!!!

>

> Hello all,

>

> This journey is so interesting. I'll think I have it all figured out, and then

bam, find out that there was another whole part of the road that i never even

realized was there.

>

> I started IE last November, and started McKenna's program not too long

after. It seemed to be going well. As the months went by, there were gradually

more steps forward than steps back. I was losing weight and feeling really good

about myself. My hunger was definitely lessening.

>

> But then this summer and early fall happened and I've been incredibly stressed

out and turned to food for comfort and I gained back the weight insanely

quickly. I really can't believe how fast it happened. And now I can't seem to

get my hunger and eating (it's definitely two separate things -- my appetite

increased for sure) back under control.

>

> But I think what i realized is that this happened because my body and soul

were not getting what they needed -- enough rest, freedom from unceasing stress,

loving self-care, etc. A lot of this was not under my control -- getting laid

off, finding a new job, moving to be near the new job, finding out that

credentialing for the new job was going to take a VERY long time, then finding

out that the old job had been reinstated, deciding to go back there for the

interim to the old job (expecting i'd have a month to get settled and then

finding out i had only 4 days), which means a VERY long commute and an

emotionally exhausting situation -- working in a school that i adore with

children i love. and then working at a ridiculous pace because there's so much

need for my services. even increasing the duration of my runs, in an effort to

help with stress management. oh, and not getting enough sleep because i have

lots going on outside of my work life. not getting enough rest is a guarentee

that i will be more hungry -- my body's way of making up for low energy.

>

> i basically fell apart on the phone on thursday night with my best friend. and

he practically ordered me to take friday as a sick day. which i did. and which

was wonderful. i used friday and saturday to finally finish getting settled into

my new place. living in a disorganized space is a HUGE stressor for me. i need

organization and cleanliness to feel sane. but hadn't had time or energy to work

on this since i started the job. i've also gotten lots of rest... but made sure

to more or less stay on my same sleeping schedule. so that when i go back to

work tomorrow my body wont be confused by getting up early. (that was a big part

of my fatigue before.)

>

> i let go and ate more emotionally and less mindfully than i have in a long

time. i ate in front of the TV on thursday night. it felt great, in a way, to

just throw in the towel. but i also feel bad about where my body is.

>

> but here is what i realized yesterday. my body is not the problem. nor is my

eating. my problem is that my body and soul are not getting the care that they

need. the eating is just a symptom of that.

>

> so i have committed to not going out more than two nights a week during the

work week (which is hard because i LOVE seeing my friends -- it nourishes my

soul, but at the expense of my body sometimes), and getting to bed earlier, and

just having more time to veg out and rejuvenate. it's going to take real focus

as with the long commute i have to go to bed quite early. i'm going to work on

eating mindfully again. i've already gotten out of the habit months ago of

eating while watching TV for the most part (except i've discovered a new habit

with microwave popcorn, something i never liked before... is this because i

really like it or because it's forbidden??? i think i may have finally legalized

it but we will see). but for my meals, i am now at the point where i actually

enjoy sitting down at the kitchen table by myself.

>

> i'm going to try to eat mindfully but not force myself to stop until i feel

ready to, physically AND mentally... sara, your post about this really helped

me! yesterday this went better than it had in a while.

>

> and most importantly, i am NOT going to think about my weight! i am letting go

of this! i am going to focus on taking really good care of myself during this

stressful time, and trust that the weight will take care of itself as it is

meant to.

>

> when i went out last night with my best friend, who is also my ex (we broke up

four years ago), i dressed up in tight fitting jeans (tighter than before but

who cares???) and a sexy shirt with cleavage, and put up makeup and heels...

it's good going out with him because he thinks i am beautiful no matter what --

being heavier is not a negative as far as he is concerned, there's just more

curves to admire (we actually talked about this last night)... and just said to

myself " i look great RIGHT NOW. " and i felt great! it was really liberating. i

know that my curves look good! no one thinks has any complaints about my weight

except me. well, i worry that my medical assistant judges me, but it's only

because she has weight issues of her own, and that's about her, not me...

>

> sorry that this is so long but i guess i am feeling the need to " say this out

loud " to reinforce it to myself. it all sounds so basic, i know, but it feels

really revolutionary for some reason. when i take care of myself, i wont need

food to care for me, and my weight will sort itself out as it is meant to! and

if, as i fear, my hormones are out of whack and are going to make me gain weight

regardless... well, there's nothing i can do about that! so why make myself

miserable about it???

>

> thanks for reading,

>

> abby

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Abby,I just wanted to thank you for your post. I found it very helpful and comforting. I've also been going through a lot (losing my two senior cats in a little over a year) and I've turned to the food as a result. I hadn't thought of the correlation between taking better care of myself and turning to food, except when it comes to sleep. I know that if I get more sleep, I tend to do better with food. I really liked what you said about focusing on the food and eating until you are both physically AND MENTALLY ready to stop. I think that's what I need to do at this point and if I can at least pay attention that will help so much. One thing that I found interesting was that you said that your ex is your best friend. My fiance is my best friend. I'm surprised that you two aren't still

a couple if you are best friends. Good luck to you on your journey and thanks again for sharing. Sharon

>

> Hello all,

>

> This journey is so interesting. I'll think I have it all figured out, and then bam, find out that there was another whole part of the road that i never even realized was there.

>

> I started IE last November, and started McKenna's program not too long after. It seemed to be going well. As the months went by, there were gradually more steps forward than steps back. I was losing weight and feeling really good about myself. My hunger was definitely lessening.

>

> But then this summer and early fall happened and I've been incredibly stressed out and turned to food for comfort and I gained back the weight insanely quickly. I really can't believe how fast it happened. And now I can't seem to get my hunger and eating (it's definitely two separate things -- my appetite increased for sure) back under control.

>

> But I think what i realized is that this happened because my body and soul were not getting what they needed -- enough rest, freedom from unceasing stress, loving self-care, etc. A lot of this was not under my control -- getting laid off, finding a new job, moving to be near the new job, finding out that credentialing for the new job was going to take a VERY long time, then finding out that the old job had been reinstated, deciding to go back there for the interim to the old job (expecting i'd have a month to get settled and then finding out i had only 4 days), which means a VERY long commute and an emotionally exhausting situation -- working in a school that i adore with children i love. and then working at a ridiculous pace because there's so much need for my services. even increasing the duration of my runs, in an effort to help with stress management. oh, and not getting enough sleep because i have lots going on outside of my work life. not

getting enough rest is a guarentee that i will be more hungry -- my body's way of making up for low energy.

>

> i basically fell apart on the phone on thursday night with my best friend. and he practically ordered me to take friday as a sick day. which i did. and which was wonderful. i used friday and saturday to finally finish getting settled into my new place. living in a disorganized space is a HUGE stressor for me. i need organization and cleanliness to feel sane. but hadn't had time or energy to work on this since i started the job. i've also gotten lots of rest... but made sure to more or less stay on my same sleeping schedule. so that when i go back to work tomorrow my body wont be confused by getting up early. (that was a big part of my fatigue before.)

>

> i let go and ate more emotionally and less mindfully than i have in a long time. i ate in front of the TV on thursday night. it felt great, in a way, to just throw in the towel. but i also feel bad about where my body is.

>

> but here is what i realized yesterday. my body is not the problem. nor is my eating. my problem is that my body and soul are not getting the care that they need. the eating is just a symptom of that.

>

> so i have committed to not going out more than two nights a week during the work week (which is hard because i LOVE seeing my friends -- it nourishes my soul, but at the expense of my body sometimes), and getting to bed earlier, and just having more time to veg out and rejuvenate. it's going to take real focus as with the long commute i have to go to bed quite early. i'm going to work on eating mindfully again. i've already gotten out of the habit months ago of eating while watching TV for the most part (except i've discovered a new habit with microwave popcorn, something i never liked before... is this because i really like it or because it's forbidden??? i think i may have finally legalized it but we will see). but for my meals, i am now at the point where i actually enjoy sitting down at the kitchen table by myself.

>

> i'm going to try to eat mindfully but not force myself to stop until i feel ready to, physically AND mentally... sara, your post about this really helped me! yesterday this went better than it had in a while.

>

> and most importantly, i am NOT going to think about my weight! i am letting go of this! i am going to focus on taking really good care of myself during this stressful time, and trust that the weight will take care of itself as it is meant to.

>

> when i went out last night with my best friend, who is also my ex (we broke up four years ago), i dressed up in tight fitting jeans (tighter than before but who cares???) and a sexy shirt with cleavage, and put up makeup and heels... it's good going out with him because he thinks i am beautiful no matter what -- being heavier is not a negative as far as he is concerned, there's just more curves to admire (we actually talked about this last night)... and just said to myself "i look great RIGHT NOW." and i felt great! it was really liberating. i know that my curves look good! no one thinks has any complaints about my weight except me. well, i worry that my medical assistant judges me, but it's only because she has weight issues of her own, and that's about her, not me...

>

> sorry that this is so long but i guess i am feeling the need to "say this out loud" to reinforce it to myself. it all sounds so basic, i know, but it feels really revolutionary for some reason. when i take care of myself, i wont need food to care for me, and my weight will sort itself out as it is meant to! and if, as i fear, my hormones are out of whack and are going to make me gain weight regardless.. . well, there's nothing i can do about that! so why make myself miserable about it???

>

> thanks for reading,

>

> abby

>

[Guest guest]

I'm glad if my post was helpful to others. I was worried because I know it was really long and had way too many mundane details!I wanted to add one more interesting experience to share. Tonight I went out for dinner with friends in their neighborhood, which is relatively near my new place. One of them suggested afterwards that I take a gypsy cab home, but I said, " Nah, I'm not so tired, I'll just take the subway. "  

And then after they walked away, I thought " Wait a minute! I promised to take care of myself! If taking a cab means I have 30 minutes more at home to relax and get more sleep, why am I not doing that??? " And stuck out my arm and hopped in a cab and am home with time to check email before bed, even! 

I am really focusing on how self-care does not entirely revolve around food! I really think that as I take better care of myself I won't need food to do this for me. (Once I work more regular hours I will probably be a little more focused on economizing, but right now, when I am working so incredibly hard and commuting long hours instead of resting on my laurels and enjoying unemployment benefits... this is the time to spoil myself a little!)

It's just so interesting to me how overeating is a symptom of not taking proper care of ourselves... and sometimes, focusing on improving our eating habits is just one more layer of stress! And taking care of ourselves in other ways solves " the eating problem. " sounds so simple and yet feels so revolutionary!

 

Hi Abby,I just wanted to thank you for your post.  I found it very helpful and comforting. I've also been going through a lot (losing my two senior cats in a little over a year) and I've turned to the food as a result.  I hadn't thought of the correlation between taking better care of myself and turning to food, except when it comes to sleep. I know that if I get more sleep, I tend to do better with food. 

I really liked what you said about focusing on the food and eating until you are both physically AND MENTALLY ready to stop.   I think that's what I need to do at this point and if I can at least pay attention that will help so much. 

One thing that I found interesting was that you said that your ex is your best friend.   My fiance is my best friend.  I'm surprised that you two aren't still

a couple if you are best friends.    Good luck to you on your journey and thanks again for sharing.  Sharon

>

> Hello all,

>

> This journey is so interesting. I'll think I have it all figured out, and then bam, find out that there was another whole part of the road that i never even realized was there.

>

> I started IE last November, and started McKenna's program not too long after. It seemed to be going well. As the months went by, there were gradually more steps forward than steps back. I was losing weight and feeling really good about myself. My hunger was definitely lessening.

>

> But then this summer and early fall happened and I've been incredibly stressed out and turned to food for comfort and I gained back the weight insanely quickly. I really can't believe how fast it happened. And now I can't seem to get my hunger and eating (it's definitely two separate things -- my appetite increased for sure) back under control.

>

> But I think what i realized is that this happened because my body and soul were not getting what they needed -- enough rest, freedom from unceasing stress, loving self-care, etc. A lot of this was not under my control -- getting laid off, finding a new job, moving to be near the new job, finding out that credentialing for the new job was going to take a VERY long time, then finding out that the old job had been reinstated, deciding to go back there for the interim to the old job (expecting i'd have a month to get settled and then finding out i had only 4 days), which means a VERY long commute and an emotionally exhausting situation -- working in a school that i adore with children i love. and then working at a ridiculous pace because there's so much need for my services. even increasing the duration of my runs, in an effort to help with stress management. oh, and not getting enough sleep because i have lots going on outside of my work life. not

getting enough rest is a guarentee that i will be more hungry -- my body's way of making up for low energy.

>

> i basically fell apart on the phone on thursday night with my best friend. and he practically ordered me to take friday as a sick day. which i did. and which was wonderful. i used friday and saturday to finally finish getting settled into my new place. living in a disorganized space is a HUGE stressor for me. i need organization and cleanliness to feel sane. but hadn't had time or energy to work on this since i started the job. i've also gotten lots of rest... but made sure to more or less stay on my same sleeping schedule. so that when i go back to work tomorrow my body wont be confused by getting up early. (that was a big part of my fatigue before.)

>

> i let go and ate more emotionally and less mindfully than i have in a long time. i ate in front of the TV on thursday night. it felt great, in a way, to just throw in the towel. but i also feel bad about where my body is.

>

> but here is what i realized yesterday. my body is not the problem. nor is my eating. my problem is that my body and soul are not getting the care that they need. the eating is just a symptom of that.

>

> so i have committed to not going out more than two nights a week during the work week (which is hard because i LOVE seeing my friends -- it nourishes my soul, but at the expense of my body sometimes), and getting to bed earlier, and just having more time to veg out and rejuvenate. it's going to take real focus as with the long commute i have to go to bed quite early. i'm going to work on eating mindfully again. i've already gotten out of the habit months ago of eating while watching TV for the most part (except i've discovered a new habit with microwave popcorn, something i never liked before... is this because i really like it or because it's forbidden??? i think i may have finally legalized it but we will see). but for my meals, i am now at the point where i actually enjoy sitting down at the kitchen table by myself.

>

> i'm going to try to eat mindfully but not force myself to stop until i feel ready to, physically AND mentally... sara, your post about this really helped me! yesterday this went better than it had in a while.

>

> and most importantly, i am NOT going to think about my weight! i am letting go of this! i am going to focus on taking really good care of myself during this stressful time, and trust that the weight will take care of itself as it is meant to.

>

> when i went out last night with my best friend, who is also my ex (we broke up four years ago), i dressed up in tight fitting jeans (tighter than before but who cares???) and a sexy shirt with cleavage, and put up makeup and heels... it's good going out with him because he thinks i am beautiful no matter what -- being heavier is not a negative as far as he is concerned, there's just more curves to admire (we actually talked about this last night)... and just said to myself " i look great RIGHT NOW. " and i felt great! it was really liberating. i know that my curves look good! no one thinks has any complaints about my weight except me. well, i worry that my medical assistant judges me, but it's only because she has weight issues of her own, and that's about her, not me...

>

> sorry that this is so long but i guess i am feeling the need to " say this out loud " to reinforce it to myself. it all sounds so basic, i know, but it feels really revolutionary for some reason. when i take care of myself, i wont need food to care for me, and my weight will sort itself out as it is meant to! and if, as i fear, my hormones are out of whack and are going to make me gain weight regardless.. . well, there's nothing i can do about that! so why make myself miserable about it???

>

> thanks for reading,

>

> abby

>

--

[Guest guest]

Abby,

Thanks for sharing this. You could not have said it any better - it's not about the food, or your body, or whatever else you take your stress out on. It is that neglect of mind and body, or body and soul as you put it. Self-care is one of the most important things we need to be aware of and allow ourselves to take the time to do it. Self-care can change lots of things around you. It can change your relationship with your spouse, it keeps overwhelm from growing, it shows self-respect to yourself which increase self-esteem. And for us, the best part is it keeps the urge to eat when we aren't hungry away. The non-hunger eating is just a way of coping, but getting our needs met, like self-care will do the job in a much better way.

Sometimes when I talk about self-care I'll get comments like, "I don't care about taking a bubble bath", or something along those lines. I'm not a fan either. Self-care is defined by you and what you enjoy doing. What fills you up? If you don't know, it's time to start thinking about it. I suspect some of you haven't even considered self-care for years and you don't remember what is fun for you or relaxing or rejuvinating.

Maybe we could share some ideas here. What do you do for your own self-care?

Thanks!GillianGillian Hood-son, MS, ACSM

Get your report, "The 6 Steps to Guilt-Fr*e Eating" at http://www.HealthierOutcomes.com Follow me on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/gillianhood

From: IntuitiveEating_Support [mailto:IntuitiveEating_Support ] On Behalf Of Abigail WSent: Sunday, September 20, 2009 5:12 AMTo: IntuitiveEating_Support Subject: another step in the journey?

Hello all,This journey is so interesting. I'll think I have it all figured out, and then bam, find out that there was another whole part of the road that i never even realized was there. I started IE last November, and started McKenna's program not too long after. It seemed to be going well. As the months went by, there were gradually more steps forward than steps back. I was losing weight and feeling really good about myself. My hunger was definitely lessening. But then this summer and early fall happened and I've been incredibly stressed out and turned to food for comfort and I gained back the weight insanely quickly. I really can't believe how fast it happened. And now I can't seem to get my hunger and eating (it's definitely two separate things -- my appetite increased for sure) back under control. But I think what i realized is that this happened because my body and soul were not getting what they needed -- enough rest, freedom from unceasing stress, loving self-care, etc. A lot of this was not under my control -- getting laid off, finding a new job, moving to be near the new job, finding out that credentialing for the new job was going to take a VERY long time, then finding out that the old job had been reinstated, deciding to go back there for the interim to the old job (expecting i'd have a month to get settled and then finding out i had only 4 days), which means a VERY long commute and an emotionally exhausting situation -- working in a school that i adore with children i love. and then working at a ridiculous pace because there's so much need for my services. even increasing the duration of my runs, in an effort to help with stress management. oh, and not getting enough sleep because i have lots going on outside of my work life. not getting enough rest is a guarentee that i will be more hungry -- my body's way of making up for low energy.i basically fell apart on the phone on thursday night with my best friend. and he practically ordered me to take friday as a sick day. which i did. and which was wonderful. i used friday and saturday to finally finish getting settled into my new place. living in a disorganized space is a HUGE stressor for me. i need organization and cleanliness to feel sane. but hadn't had time or energy to work on this since i started the job. i've also gotten lots of rest... but made sure to more or less stay on my same sleeping schedule. so that when i go back to work tomorrow my body wont be confused by getting up early. (that was a big part of my fatigue before.)i let go and ate more emotionally and less mindfully than i have in a long time. i ate in front of the TV on thursday night. it felt great, in a way, to just throw in the towel. but i also feel bad about where my body is.but here is what i realized yesterday. my body is not the problem. nor is my eating. my problem is that my body and soul are not getting the care that they need. the eating is just a symptom of that. so i have committed to not going out more than two nights a week during the work week (which is hard because i LOVE seeing my friends -- it nourishes my soul, but at the expense of my body sometimes), and getting to bed earlier, and just having more time to veg out and rejuvenate. it's going to take real focus as with the long commute i have to go to bed quite early. i'm going to work on eating mindfully again. i've already gotten out of the habit months ago of eating while watching TV for the most part (except i've discovered a new habit with microwave popcorn, something i never liked before... is this because i really like it or because it's forbidden??? i think i may have finally legalized it but we will see). but for my meals, i am now at the point where i actually enjoy sitting down at the kitchen table by myself. i'm going to try to eat mindfully but not force myself to stop until i feel ready to, physically AND mentally... sara, your post about this really helped me! yesterday this went better than it had in a while. and most importantly, i am NOT going to think about my weight! i am letting go of this! i am going to focus on taking really good care of myself during this stressful time, and trust that the weight will take care of itself as it is meant to. when i went out last night with my best friend, who is also my ex (we broke up four years ago), i dressed up in tight fitting jeans (tighter than before but who cares???) and a sexy shirt with cleavage, and put up makeup and heels... it's good going out with him because he thinks i am beautiful no matter what -- being heavier is not a negative as far as he is concerned, there's just more curves to admire (we actually talked about this last night)... and just said to myself "i look great RIGHT NOW." and i felt great! it was really liberating. i know that my curves look good! no one thinks has any complaints about my weight except me. well, i worry that my medical assistant judges me, but it's only because she has weight issues of her own, and that's about her, not me... sorry that this is so long but i guess i am feeling the need to "say this out loud" to reinforce it to myself. it all sounds so basic, i know, but it feels really revolutionary for some reason. when i take care of myself, i wont need food to care for me, and my weight will sort itself out as it is meant to! and if, as i fear, my hormones are out of whack and are going to make me gain weight regardless... well, there's nothing i can do about that! so why make myself miserable about it??? thanks for reading,abby

[Guest guest]

Reading this post gave me the willingness and desire to sit down and have lunch in the lunchroom at work instead of at my desk while i am at working.

I think that is one self care activity I would like to do more of -- taking a quiet lunch break by myself.

It just reminded me that some of my less IE happens when I am stressed at work and giving to others but not focusing on my needs.

To: IntuitiveEating_Support From: gillian@...Date: Thu, 24 Sep 2009 20:31:12 -0700Subject: RE: another step in the journey?

Abby,

Thanks for sharing this. You could not have said it any better - it's not about the food, or your body, or whatever else you take your stress out on. It is that neglect of mind and body, or body and soul as you put it. Self-care is one of the most important things we need to be aware of and allow ourselves to take the time to do it. Self-care can change lots of things around you. It can change your relationship with your spouse, it keeps overwhelm from growing, it shows self-respect to yourself which increase self-esteem. And for us, the best part is it keeps the urge to eat when we aren't hungry away. The non-hunger eating is just a way of coping, but getting our needs met, like self-care will do the job in a much better way.

Sometimes when I talk about self-care I'll get comments like, "I don't care about taking a bubble bath", or something along those lines. I'm not a fan either. Self-care is defined by you and what you enjoy doing. What fills you up? If you don't know, it's time to start thinking about it. I suspect some of you haven't even considered self-care for years and you don't remember what is fun for you or relaxing or rejuvinating.

Maybe we could share some ideas here. What do you do for your own self-care?

Thanks!GillianGillian Hood-son, MS, ACSM

Get your report, "The 6 Steps to Guilt-Fr*e Eating" at http://www.HealthierOutcomes.com Follow me on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/gillianhood

From: IntuitiveEating_Support [mailto:IntuitiveEating_Support ] On Behalf Of Abigail WSent: Sunday, September 20, 2009 5:12 AMTo: IntuitiveEating_Support Subject: another step in the journey?

Hello all,This journey is so interesting. I'll think I have it all figured out, and then bam, find out that there was another whole part of the road that i never even realized was there. I started IE last November, and started McKenna's program not too long after. It seemed to be going well. As the months went by, there were gradually more steps forward than steps back. I was losing weight and feeling really good about myself. My hunger was definitely lessening. But then this summer and early fall happened and I've been incredibly stressed out and turned to food for comfort and I gained back the weight insanely quickly. I really can't believe how fast it happened. And now I can't seem to get my hunger and eating (it's definitely two separate things -- my appetite increased for sure) back under control. But I think what i realized is that this happened because my body and soul were not getting what they needed -- enough rest, freedom from unceasing stress, loving self-care, etc. A lot of this was not under my control -- getting laid off, finding a new job, moving to be near the new job, finding out that credentialing for the new job was going to take a VERY long time, then finding out that the old job had been reinstated, deciding to go back there for the interim to the old job (expecting i'd have a month to get settled and then finding out i had only 4 days), which means a VERY long commute and an emotionally exhausting situation -- working in a school that i adore with children i love. and then working at a ridiculous pace because there's so much need for my services. even increasing the duration of my runs, in an effort to help with stress management. oh, and not getting enough sleep because i have lots going on outside of my work life. not getting enough rest is a guarentee that i will be more hungry -- my body's way of making up for low energy.i basically fell apart on the phone on thursday night with my best friend. and he practically ordered me to take friday as a sick day. which i did. and which was wonderful. i used friday and saturday to finally finish getting settled into my new place. living in a disorganized space is a HUGE stressor for me. i need organization and cleanliness to feel sane. but hadn't had time or energy to work on this since i started the job. i've also gotten lots of rest... but made sure to more or less stay on my same sleeping schedule. so that when i go back to work tomorrow my body wont be confused by getting up early. (that was a big part of my fatigue before.)i let go and ate more emotionally and less mindfully than i have in a long time. i ate in front of the TV on thursday night. it felt great, in a way, to just throw in the towel. but i also feel bad about where my body is.but here is what i realized yesterday. my body is not the problem. nor is my eating. my problem is that my body and soul are not getting the care that they need. the eating is just a symptom of that. so i have committed to not going out more than two nights a week during the work week (which is hard because i LOVE seeing my friends -- it nourishes my soul, but at the expense of my body sometimes), and getting to bed earlier, and just having more time to veg out and rejuvenate. it's going to take real focus as with the long commute i have to go to bed quite early. i'm going to work on eating mindfully again. i've already gotten out of the habit months ago of eating while watching TV for the most part (except i've discovered a new habit with microwave popcorn, something i never liked before... is this because i really like it or because it's forbidden??? i think i may have finally legalized it but we will see). but for my meals, i am now at the point where i actually enjoy sitting down at the kitchen table by myself. i'm going to try to eat mindfully but not force myself to stop until i feel ready to, physically AND mentally... sara, your post about this really helped me! yesterday this went better than it had in a while. and most importantly, i am NOT going to think about my weight! i am letting go of this! i am going to focus on taking really good care of myself during this stressful time, and trust that the weight will take care of itself as it is meant to. when i went out last night with my best friend, who is also my ex (we broke up four years ago), i dressed up in tight fitting jeans (tighter than before but who cares???) and a sexy shirt with cleavage, and put up makeup and heels... it's good going out with him because he thinks i am beautiful no matter what -- being heavier is not a negative as far as he is concerned, there's just more curves to admire (we actually talked about this last night)... and just said to myself "i look great RIGHT NOW." and i felt great! it was really liberating. i know that my curves look good! no one thinks has any complaints about my weight except me. well, i worry that my medical assistant judges me, but it's only because she has weight issues of her own, and that's about her, not me... sorry that this is so long but i guess i am feeling the need to "say this out loud" to reinforce it to myself. it all sounds so basic, i know, but it feels really revolutionary for some reason. when i take care of myself, i wont need food to care for me, and my weight will sort itself out as it is meant to! and if, as i fear, my hormones are out of whack and are going to make me gain weight regardless... well, there's nothing i can do about that! so why make myself miserable about it??? thanks for reading,abby

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